[Savoir Faire]

Mine was a clinger when he was still at home - first 12 months.  He was a boomerang straight after that, then a vanisher for several months and now he is a boomerang again.

He only contacts with monster, never anything else but he sure checks in, not in person, text or email only (coward).

When he was home he was SOOOO horrible, aggressive and in monster most of the time, tried to convince me I was completely mad.

Life was terrible with a clinger but it gave me a good picture into where he was at all the time and that does the LBS no good at all.

H left about 18 months ago and life is much better with very minimal contact and just leaving him to it.  Much easier for me to get a life and continue to heal from all he has done.

Don't want him back in the house with me until he's  had many months of psychotherapy!!

[Snowdrop]

Vanisher.  Left right after BD, made his announcement and loaded up his truck and left.  Lived in a local for a few days then got himself a luxury home to live in.  Met OW on vacation and they married right away.  Still together.  No contact with the kids, no support, nothing.  Although today out of the blue, there was an envelope for the kids......a new years card with a photo of him and ow on it!!!!!  D didn't open it and said to throw it out.  He doesn't speak to the kids ever.  He is a sick man. 

I rarely think of him these days and feel grateful he is a vanisher.  While it was extremely painful at the beginning, especially when looking for answers or any kind of indication of what was going on, overall it has allowed us to heal.  My heart breaks for the kids to have a father who abandoned them but their healing was much better I think due to not having to see him or hear from him.  He is disgusting towards them.  This is the man who flaunted his relationship and wedding to the kids when he visited for less than an hour....only spoke of him and ow and insisted they look at his ring.  This is what we were dealing with.  I am thankful he has gone and can't imagine dealing with one still living at home or locally.

As always though when he is in touch in any way it throws me off for a day or so, used to be a week.  I have grown.  I would never go back to how it was. 

As for him, he lives in a warm climate and lives the life he always wanted and it seems life with ow is somewhat okay if they are still together.  Doesn't matter, all I know is that I am here for the kids and we are very connected.  H can carry on his journey.  I don't see him ever wanting to c'ome home.  That's okay, we aren't sitting around waiting. 

Problems are no financial support and our court process came to a standstill.  I think they are sitting waiting for me to do something so they can get their money from the house....only thing they are interested in.  I think ow will stick around at least for that.  Who knows.  I do think they seem happy as they've been together over 3 years.

[heroIam]

any comments about a touch and goer?  are they considered boomerangs?  not sure what mine is tbh.

[Anjae]

Mr J was an über clinger early on. He would be around nearly everyday, call from work, text, you name it. Then I had to move back home. He still clinger but he could not come by. So it was email.

And at a point he quit his job and went and work for his local branch of the company I had come work to. He had made sure he was given the same position I had which meant we needed to had daily professional contact. My local branch closed a year and a few months after I return home.

Since then I have removed myself more and more and Mr J pretty much turned into a vanisher because I do not wanted to carry on talking with in on messenger and gmail chat. If I had wanted he would still be clinging like there was no tomorrow.

Oh, and he loved to have arguments. It really did not matter, since he was getting attention anything was valid. I tired of it, he did not like it.

Mr J has another, inderect, way of clinging, his court cases. But now it seems that even those are over.

I find it much more peaceful to have a vanisher. No more arguments, endless going nowhere talks, attempts of trying to upset me, etc. And no more mood swings, angry outbursts and mania around me. 

Here are the links for threads about the different types of MLCers:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0 -  VANISHER 2

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=676.0 - Clinging Boomerangs

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang

http://mlcforum..com/index.php?topic=305.0 - Off-and-On

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0 -  VANISHER 2

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=676.0 - Clinging Boomerangs

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=305.0 - Off-and-On

[Medusa]

Mine started as a clinger then shifted to an Off-On (not really discussed in the resources) once o asked him to leave.

Pros of a clinger: you can to temperature checks very easily. Living with one can push us to be the one to make the decision that they have to leave--meaning, we find our strength and begin taking control of the situation in a way that's best for us.

Cons of a clinger: living with the disrespect drags out our healing. We take steps forward only to be shoved back. The pain mine inflicted during the 8 months he was a basement dweller was horrible.

Pros of an Off-On: temperature checks still happen, but the opportunities for monstering are a lot less. We are able to heal without their interference; we are spared their drama most of the time.

Cons of an Off-On: Having an off-on makes you wonder if he really has let go, and you can still be the target of his wrath.

[Snowdrop]

I find it much more peaceful to have a vanisher. No more arguments, endless going nowhere talks, attempts of trying to upset me, etc. And no more mood swings, angry outbursts and mania around me. 

Same here.  What a relief it was for all three of us when H went when it came to that.  He would argue or pick a fight over anything and everything then turn it around as if it was me....then he would try to get the kids to side with him .  After the initial shock and pain of BD we definitely noticed a huge change in the atmosphere at home .....no more anger and daily fights. I love the peace that we have now.  Maybe OW gets that from him now.  Unfortunate for her but as D said to me today, "She was stupid enough to marry him so its her own fault"

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I got into it with mine just 4 days ago. Our 21st anniversary would have been the 21st of this month. Go figure. I guess the fact that I'm not contacting him ( court ordered, we're only supposed to have contact over the kids; take a wild guess to who has been in contempt of court ever since ) He's using the kids to cling for the most part. He boomerangs in 7-9 day cycles. I called him on it, maybe he'll quit. I don't know.

I agree with the trying to pick fights and get into arguments for them to get attention. Bad attention is better than no attention. Although why they need it from us is a mystery. All over email and texts mind you. He doesn't have enough of a set to talk over the phone.

He's also in flux with the Touch and Goes. Those are fun.  I was hoping there would be a real OW by now. One that would be getting all of his attention. As far as I can tell: I'm his favorite person to bug and try to piss off. There's a shock. 

Funny thing is, he came for Christmas and spent 3 days with me and the kids. Didn't monster once, then he put up a picture on Facebook of who he was supposed to be dating. The infantile narc tactics do get tiring. But, monster he did the other day. It really was a pathetic attempt at getting the best of me. Man, the control and power issues he has are astounding even me.

He's also clinging through cyber space. Lovely. Technology makes it easy, even for vanishers to know what's going on with you.

[Medusa]

Technology makes it easy, even for vanishers to know what's going on with you.

Sure it does, and while that can be a bad thing, it can also be a good thing because once we do the important mirror-work and GAL, we truly do become the a Living Better Spouses--and that is by far the best revenge any of us can have!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Technology makes it easy, even for vanishers to know what's going on with you.

Sure it does, and while that can be a bad thing, it can also be a good thing because once we do the important mirror-work and GAL, we truly do become the a Living Better Spouses--and that is by far the best revenge any of us can have!

Medusa, I've always said that you are a class act. Truly you are.

[Anjae]

Mine started as a clinger then shifted to an Off-On (not really discussed in the

resources) once o asked him to leave.

Off-On are not much discussed on the resources, but there is a little bit on the

Contact Types article:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html

And there is the thread about them: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?

topic=305.0

heroIam, check the thread for Off-On (mentioned above) and the one for Boomerang http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0

They are not exactly the same, but there are similarities.

I don't think I could handle having Mr J on my Facebook. Luckely the Facebook (and Twitter) trend only come along a while after Mr J left. When he left the it thing was MySpace. Yes, it was that long ago. 

Better Living Spouse is so much better and nice than Left Behind Spouse. Even because, after a while, we are no longer the one Left Behind. The Left Behind one is the MLCer. And will be until they do the work on themselves.