[Seeing The Light]

I seem to be cycling through bargining and depression and maybe a little acceptance. I'm a little concerned that anger hasn't popped into the cycle yet, especially with an EA going on.  I'm afraid I'll turn into Carrie when it finally decides to surface, lol. 

I hate to be the heretic again... But psychological stages are approximations, and not cast in stone. They're helpful in knowing what to expect and to accept them as normal, but it's not inevitable to go through them all. So if you don't get angry, don't worry, it doesn't mean that there's anything missing from your process. If you do get angry, don't worry. Many people do.

There's an article somewhere on resources which talks about this, and many examples in psychology which now demonstrate that stages are typical but not inevitable patterns.

Thanks Mermaid!  I don't think you are a heretic, just sharing another perspective.  And you are right, there is some discussion in the resources about the steps not always happening. 

That reminder helps... I do get snippy annoyed from time to time but not full blown anger and I just wanted to make sure that something wasn't wrong.  It may be also that I'm focusing on addressing my own issues right now that created my anger in my R that it's just going away.  Dunno.  All I can control is me and myself... and being reactive to things is not the place I want to be anymore, and that's where I saw a LOT of my anger in the past. 

[Mara]

I think I m slowly entering the acceptance stage.
There have been months of shock and depressive feelings, where I thought I will never be at least ok again.
But I am Ok.

don t I wish things would be different: Yes I do. If I had to choose, I would choose this all never would have happened.

But this 26 months did give me not only hurt and depression, it gave me some gifts. I did find me. The me I was meant to be. I also find my place in life/in the world in the job, I should have chosen 20 years ago, if h did not hold me to do that (because he was concerned about me....). Me and my children are under one roof and living intensely and free together, not walking on eggshells as we did for years. My kids growing up in a healthy environment. Yes missing their father, but not living in a system were we constantly had to watch our steps because of an instable father.

But I am still standing. I pray for my husband daily to find his way back to where he belongs. Because he s not doing well at all. Being in massive depressions all the time, trying to commit suicide, having debts, being unemployed, not seeing the kids on regular bases, although nothing from my side is stopping that.
Sometimes doubting my stand, sometimes having this mood of 'I want to cry" (then I pull back and do my crying).
And then being sure again I continue to stand. The man I married is still the man I love.

I am been in stages of denial, of anger, of crying, of not daring to live. all to get to the stage of living my life, taking my responsabilities (working two jobs), having fun, being OK and more than OK.

Wanted to share and hope I can encourage lot of you with it.

Mara x

[Kat0465]

That was a beatiful post Mara! Thanks for sharing

[Beacon]

Great Post Mara,

I believe we are on the same timeline and I very much agree that even though we wish this all never happened we find out that we are OK. Taking the time to find our true selves and get ourselves back on track is very healthy. I'm glad you have reached this point and hope that one day the newbies will also reach this point.

[ChrissYAH]

Its been 3 yrs since BD Im moving into acceptance but still cycle back to anger.  I'll get there eventually.

[Shocked]

Mara that was a great post. I am 70% in the acceptance stage and 25% in the depressions stage. I guess that's good progress. The remaining 5% will always be in the Shocked stage!!!!

[ChrissYAH]

Shocked, Im about the same as U! slowly getting there. :-)))

[BStrong]

It helps to read that most of you cycle through those stages. I am past denial, a little depressed, more angry and getting to acceptance. I cant put a number on any though except there is no denial anymore - of course there are thoughts I wish it never happened but it did!

Each day when I wake up the first thought I have is "What really happened to my life, our lives?". Each day the thought lingers for lesser and lesser time. It doesn't bring me down for the rest of the day as it used to. I do sleep better. I even laugh and have a good time with kids and sometimes friends. Its just when sometimes I see him (kids pick up or such) the anger comes rushing back up even though I don't talk to him.

I seem to have accepted that he left. But how do you accept the OW....

[heroIam]

BofH
We are on the same timeline.  How have you been?
Any new developments?

I think I'm at 90% acceptance now.  Other 10% is my hope with all of this.  Don't get as depressed or even angry anymore.  Disbelief at times creeps in.  I'm also doing ok.  Glad to hear most of you are doing ok.

[Clara 12]

Attaching 😊