[Roma]

I went NC as soon as I read about it, about 6 months after BD. Except it was a 'Not to contact me' boundary because my H is a clinging wallower (new category I suppose). It is him that constantly contacts me and I had to put a stop it it at times for me to have space and heal.

He is now (6 months later and a year after BD) is much more aware and really respects the boundary when I place it.

It depends on the sitch yet for me, I has been a gift!

[Anjae]

If I had it to do over again, I would have gone NC and divorced right away.

So would I, but for myself. I doubt it would have had any effect in Mr J's crisis. And it had, it would be the one it had when I started to cut contact more and more. He went deep and deeper into crisis and drinking.

No Contact is not going to bring a MLCer out of MLC. Let alone a clinger like Mr J was. RCR does not advice No Contact. If one has any interest in reconciling, No Contact is not going to be of help.

Of course some of us need to protec our selves and our mental sanity, but No Contact is not of use for every LBS.

[Thunder]

I really HATE to say this, but I agree.

I wish I had divorced right away, too.  Instead I dragged it which only cost me more money for attorney fees....still ended up divorced.

[Anjae]

I'm still legally married. Crazy, I know. But it has cost too much money and it has also made me not to be allowed to benefit from the by then divorce law that was very generous in case of adultery. So, it has cost me twice, in legallities and in not receiving money.

But divorcing the MLCer, especially for financial protection, and No Contact are different things. One can divorce the MLCer and remain in contact. One can still be legally married to the MLCer and no contact or No Contact.

It may sound repeating myself, but neither divorcing the MLCer and/or No Contact is going to bring a MLCer out of their crisis faster. They will take as much as they need to. The big difference if for us. For our finances, our mental sanity, or well being. It makes zero to little difference to the MLCer crisis.

[Velika]

Anjae, though, do you think that for some, no contact is a dose of reality/boundary that, while won't push them out of MLC, forces them to progress in a certain direction?

I can see in certain cases where the MLCer has made overtures, even if they are monstering, no contact has a different role. But in the type like my husband -- consisistent demands to divorce, lots of monster, fantasy thinking -- I feel like being forced to depend on OW for emotional support etc is more likely to help them "progress."

My feeling is that if the LBS can find a way to avoid being recipient of anger the MLCer will have to turn it on someone else or look to himself. I don't know if this will lead to faster recovery. I guess I'm just wondering aloud.

I have hit point where no contact is just for me. I feel I have a truly crazy MLCer whom I don't want to be around anymore. There is nothing in it for me. In my case it doesn't stop monster. I still get long monologues with accusations.

[Roma]

I can't say for sure if a NC boundary will 'make them' come out faster yet I do know that boundary and others cut the monster behavior down significantly. They KNOW you aren't playing and they have gone far enough, so at least my H will and cut it out.

The problem for me is that his behavior is so bad quite often, I just have to remind myself and say, 'yeah, that's not true, I don't believe you' and place the boundary. And he cuts it out immediately.

Sometimes I don't remember and it goes on and on, until I do.

[Reallytrying]

There is no evidence that no contact makes them come out of "it" faster or progress any faster.  No contact is not for the MLCer it is for the LBS to be able to regain some equilibrium. It's not a consequence or a punishment. I think the most common misconception is that no contact & boundaries are the same thing. I have lots of contact but I also have boundaries. No talking about OW, no monster type behavior. Those are hard boundaries for me and he respects those. I have read many many books and programs about MLC and nowhere is no contact advocated to speed up the process. Detachment is advocated which is an emotional state which can occur with contact.

I am not advocating contact though that is what I have chosen and in my personal opinion if reconciliation is your long term goal then opportunities to maintain connection are helpful. However, it is very dangerous to suggest that no contact moves something along faster, makes them see what they are missing, etc when there is no evidence of that. I would actually argue that having detached contact also makes them see what they are missing by them getting to see and interact with a newly in control LBS.  They can bear witness to your growth.

Cases of abuse are the only times where I might advocate no contact right away but in those situations I may also not advocate standing since physical abuse is a personal hard boundary for me.

What I think is most important is that we not try to push one way or the other but instead learn from each other the different ways that people handle these situations and support each other's choices. Someone who has chosen no contact will never get a note from me saying that they should speak to their MLCer. Likewise people who want to remain in contact and pave the way - or not should not be made to feel that no contact will get them to their desired outcome sooner.

What we need to advocate is people regaining control over their emotions, focusing on their own growth,  and being treated with respect. That can occur with or without contact with the MLCer.

[Thunder]

Well said, Really.   

[Roma]

@ReallyTrying,

NC is a boundary. When I used it at first it was because I was under the wrong assumption my was having an a and was used as a consequence, as stated in RCR articles.

I've also used it for me to have space to get control of my own emotions. Again, I got that from RCR articles.

It' helped me as well as my H  I can only speak for myself he's really come a long way. who knows if it was my use of NC from time to time?

[Absolutely Fabulous]

RT, You say that there is no evidence that it helps the MLCer go through the tunnel faster. I don't see any evidence that going NC doesn't.

There is no evidence either way, because there are still people out there who don't even believe that Midlife Crisis exists at all. It's like people who argue that there is no God, because there is no proof that He exists. There's no real proof that He doesn't.

My point is, we don't know either way. This is not a discussion for people to get defensive. It's just to find out what people's results are. Period. Notice the title: No Contact Early On, What Were Your Results? There was a reason that I was asking this question. So that we could get some evidence. Call it research, or better yet a small poll if you will.

It's obvious to me that there are only 2 camps: the die hard "paving the way" ( who get all the support and kudos ) and the other of go NC quickly that get attacked for their stance. The thought that someone could embrace NC and see results in less time seems to rub some here the wrong way. Instead of telling other LBSers that's great, there seems to be a lot of resentment towards those who are seeing results with NC.

Let me say this, it's not about judging those who pave the way. Again, it's not about judging those who pave the way. It's about those who haven't being able to share their results. The fact that I've seen quicker results prompted me to ask the question to see if others have seen the same thing. It's not an indictment, it's just a fact that my situation is moving faster. It's also making me reconsider not standing. I had made the decision not to stand because of how things were. Now, I'm slowly but surely starting to reconsider standing because of this.

NC is a boundary, it's the ultimate one. I have a clinging boomerang. It's the only one that really makes an impact. I was told if he wants to go, let him go. Once I did, there was a change in ME. If it's not about the MLCer as you say, then what is the real issue here? It doesn't seem to be the NC, it looks like the results are working at least with the people that I have been in contact with. My EX has said that: he regrets the divorce, has taken full responsibility for what's happened, and apologized to the kids ( all 3 ). If that's not evidence, then I don't know what is.

I doubt seriously this would have happened had I not let him go, and stayed in NC.  There are times when I have to be DD for the kids, but that's it. It wasn't for him, it wasn't to punish or hurt him, it was for me and my kids to move on and not stay stuck. We were stranded in this process, but refused to stay stuck. I would have been stuck had I not gone NC.

Again, it is about the situation, but this discussion is also for those of us who chose to go NC. Not to argue or defend ourselves from those who didn't. Not be rude, but that's the truth.