I haven't seen anyone suggest that hope is an impediment to healing, XYZCF. All of us have hope or we wouldn't have come to this forum. Hope, without awareness however, can make the difference between a person struggling to survive and having some semblance of stabilty. Maslow makes clear that a person must first have basic needs met.
Viktor Frankl is a good example, because one of his major points is that nothing has meaning until we apply meaning to it. Meaning (or hope) ultimately cannot come from the external without being susceptible to being dashed or taken away. Each of us applies meaning to our own situations. Frankl created the meaning that he believed helped him to survive Auschwitz, when others in the same circumstances applied different meaning. The meaning itself did not come from anyone else. That was the key to his survival.
So while the blog provides information, so that each person who comes here can make informed decisions about their lives, security and economic stability, it does not take away hope. And meaning is not something that RCR or anyone else can apply to a person's life or be responsible for. That is something one must determine, and hold onto, for oneself or people are simply applying another person's meaning to their life and depending on someone else's hope and faith rather than their own to carry them through.
If one LBS determines that the meaning of MLC is to torture and destroy them, then it likely will. If another LBS determines that the meaning of MLC is to be a catalyst for growth and development, that will be their truth. Each of us holds the key to our own meaning and thus our own hope. The message coming from the board can't determine that for others, because varying issues are at play in every individual circumstance. Different LBSs have different situations, different levels of economic security and resources, different career, housing, and income options, have children of varying ages and circumstances, are of varying ages and degrees of health, are from different states and countries with different matrimonial and child custody laws and differing provisions for healthcare, retirement, etc. Each of those differences must be considered by each LBS when making the decisions we must make along the way to protect ourselves. For RCR to send a message that differs from what is bearing out is potentially damaging to the LBS and his/her future as well as their children's.
Legal action is expensive, it is frightening and anxiety producing, and is a signifcant amount of effort at a time when an LBS is already overwhelmed. It is very tempting to avoid all of that when one is in such a vulnerable place, especially if a person thinks it is likely, or there is a 50/50 chance, that a spouse will return anyway. That has been a mistake for a number of people including some on this forum and by the time they realized that it was too late, money had been squandered by the MLCer, a family home lost, a shared business run into the ground, marital assets destroyed or hidden, the OW pregnant and demanding child support along with the LBS needing it for her children, martial debt significantly increased unbeknownst to the LBS, etc.
People must protect themselves, and especially the less monied spouse, which is still more commonly women, due to child bearing and rearing. Separation and divorce thrust many women and children into poverty worldwide, so one of the most supportive hopeful acts that we can do on this forum is to educate each other, sooner than later, about the realities and encourage self protection (put on one's oxygen mask first). Then, from that more stable/secure place, a person can have a sense of peace, as well as hope and can stand as long as one chooses, knowing that they and their children are more protected from the financial fallout that often accompanies MLC.
One can say that an LBS who is not aware, from the start, that their marriage is less likely to reconcile, will still act expediently to protect themselves, but that is not always the case. Believing/hoping all will work out, deters some from taking action until it's too late or their financial situation is deteriorated resulting in a much lessor settlement than was possible early on. Time and again, people post here saying that they wish they had protected themselves earlier, but I don't recall anyone saying it was a mistake that they had.
Hope is encouraged here, but an LBS must also secure themselves, and the motivation to do so sometimes only comes when one faces reality and genuinely understands the odds. None of us wants to take away hope, but hope without knowledge and action to protect oneself has devastated some LBSs adding to the trauma and stress, making it more difficult to stand, and doing nothing to preserve hope or increase the chance for reconciliation.
Many here still have children dependent on us for a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, their education, healthcare, and general wellbeing. Early on, we have to be able to face that our marriage may not reconcile so we can act accordingly for their sake and for our own. This is separate from the very personal decision to stand, the meaning people apply to their individual life and their hope and faith in the outcome of their own marriage. Where there is life, there is always hope.
Phoenix
Reconciliation: If You Stand, Will Your MLCer Return?
Author
Topic: