[OffRoad]

**Disclaimer: What I'm about to post means nothing.

I'm in total agreement with all that has been said about mirror work, self-focus, standing doesn't mean standing still, etc.  I'm reading all with great interest.

Today I was procrastinating for an hour instead of starting a very boring work assignment.  I read through the first 12 pages of the members list.

**Again, this information means nothing...or something, or everything, depending on how you look at it:

There are 30 members listed on each page.
In the first 12 pages, I collected a list of 17 members, 15 who have not been active in years, whose statuses were "rebuilding."
At least 1 per page, or at least 1 in 30, which, again, means nothing scientifically or really otherwise.
There's no way to know if the 15 inactive members successfully rebuilt.  There's no way to know if they were not successful either.

In addition to the 17 rebuilding, I also found 3 with statuses of "home after a brief separation." 
Maybe those became successfully rebuilt marriages.
Maybe those were failed early returns.
Who knows?

The majority of inactive members on those first 12 pages had not filled out their profiles. 

So do I have a point?  Not really.  Just that
a) I really, really, really wanted to avoid my boring work project. 
b)we don't know what happens to a huge majority of members, but
c) there is hope, especially if you look for it, and
d) the most important thing is still focusing on ourselves, protecting ourselves, taking responsibility for own happiness, knowing who we are and what we want for ourselves, moving forward and, if we want to remain standing, choosing to see hope...even if sometimes it appears to be hiding itself from us.

Thank you, Nassau. For those of us who like statistics, it's wonderful when someone else procrastinates at something else enough to gather some stats for individual use when we don't have the time to gather such stats ourselves.

Multas gratias vobis ago.

[calamity]

Good points Nassau. 

Thinking back, if I needed hope I went looking for it and no amount of reasoning would have convinced me.

Also, Disraeli?:  "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

[Ready2Transform]

There are 30 members listed on each page.
In the first 12 pages, I collected a list of 17 members, 15 who have not been active in years, whose statuses were "rebuilding."
At least 1 per page, or at least 1 in 30, which, again, means nothing scientifically or really otherwise.
There's no way to know if the 15 inactive members successfully rebuilt.  There's no way to know if they were not successful either.

What board were you looking at, Nassau?

Think it was the Members pages: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=mlist

[1trouble]

At the beginning of the year I went through the members list (it was to kill time inbetween xmas and new year and when I was looking for some inspiration and hope)

Adding to Nas's stats post, I also found threads which were not lilac or purple or where the status had been changed to "home and rebuilding".  I found stories where the status may have said "done" or been left as it was when they joinedo and yet the LBS was reconnecting with their spouse or their spouse was home, there wasn't many but there were some and I didn't even go through all of the pages.

I am not into peddling false hope here but I believe there are more reconciled MLC couples than we think, some LBS's like Seeking has not changed her icon to lilac and still feels she is in a touch and go.......hopeandfaith was missing off the list of lilac purple icons, so was Rainbowgal I think.
Then there is withgodshelp who reconciled after 6 years and her H had a baby with his BP OW.

I think I started compiling a list of reconciled threads I will see if I can find it.

But the main reason for revisiting this thread is because I too have been thinking a lot about this subject since I last posted and in my view, there are a lot of people saying things along the line of wishing they had known all the information at BD, saying its more realistic to tell newbies their isn't that many reconciliations, those who think its important the LBS knows from the off what they are up against etc etc.....

I know everyone comes from a point of trying to save another person from going through what they went through or are still going through, I know everyone on here feels the pain of newbies BUT you are further on in your journeys and so I think, IMO you are sitting judging this from a stronger view point

you are looking back.....................and we all see things differently with the benefit of hindsight.....

I also want to make another suggestion here.......there have been some who have mentioned about the board having members who are discussing dating and have queried whether this is the place.....personally I don't have a problem with this, these people still love their spouses IMO but they have been forced into moving on and this is what they have chosen to do, it is part of the LBS journey some will have.......it doesn't mean under the veneer these people are not still missing their spouses or not still hoping for reconciliation.

This has always been a safe place for them so its natural they want to stay here as their journey continues and as this site matures there will be more at various stages and by keeping people posting we may even get some more data on returns.
This site is maturing and maybe the current set up is outdated where all our threads are just put together in one huge list

So my suggestion is to may be have a place on the site for various stages of people to come together....
newbie people
Parents
Divorced LBS's
Dating LBS's
and maybe even a section for MLC'ers
and also a café section were some funny humorous things can be put to give this all balance

[1trouble]

As I mentioned in my last post here is the list of reconnecting or reconciled user ids I compiled from here

This was early this year, there maybe more
1994 - M
31 counting
adult condor
affaircare
almost there
angelgirl 4/11
Azione
Back to me plus 2 2015
barbiedoll 2013 dec
battlefield 2013
bennhurr
bernall 2015
Blindsided
BonBon
Chloe77
Crazyforhim
dadspearl
destinyschild
eternity
Evas
feelingbetrayd
finding nemo
FI foolish idiot
flybelove
foreverstander
foursiordias
Gallagher
Herefornow
holdinon2hope
Hope4ever
hopeandfaith
hopeful2
Hopelessly Optimistic
Howmanytimes 2015
hyperglad
JD
JustFine&Dandy
kappy
karmirtsaghik
kindler
kylique
Looking4Hope
Mamma Bear
Mermaid
Midlife Madness
neverg1veup
NoLongerHandlessMaiden
NotGivingUpOnU
OSB
Opportunity to Grow
Patience
primwluv
RainbowGal
really???
Rebel Yell
Resilient
rubyhearted
sada
Sassyone
Seekingpatience
SleeplessnSville
smileonmyface
Smitty2929
standingmale
StandingScared
Stargazer313
stayingthecourse
Stepping Stone
STP
Strong girl
Strongerthanthat
summer progress
superdog
SWH
Terry1957
The Navigator  male not many posts
The New Me femaiil not many posts
tigrlily12000
Trying to hold on
Undaunted
Verrat
WarriorSprit
watching and waiting
windrow
Windsofchange
wondering
WorkInProgress4Life

[Thunder]

1t, I understand what you are saying, but I see Anjae's blood pressure going up.  lol

She does so much of the technical stuff on this board and to add all these different type's of groups would be a lot of work for her.

The way I look at it is, if a person doesn't like a thread, just ignore it.  If you read an article that doesn't sit right with you, there are so many others that will.

I don't think giving people a little reality is bad.  Possibly it may help some.
I don't think it's bad to point our a lot of MLCer's don't return.  It's the truth.  I think RCR put it in a gentle but honest way.

Of course newbies don't like to hear that, none of us like to hear it, but I think giving too much hope is bad too.
From day one I knew the chances were not in my favor but I thought my H would be different so reading that wouldn't have changed anything for me.  That was "other" MLCer's, not mine.   

[lawprofessor]

Stp is no longer reconciled. 

[Braveheart]

Stp is no longer reconciled.

When I read accounts of those that were in R a while ago I got the impression that there was a lot of Rug sweeping on the part of the LBS, their spouses still messed up and potential false returns. Female MLC'ers appear very unlikely to return.

[OldPilot]

OK so I counted 87 people many of whom are already on the lists that we already have, some are not reconciled, some we have never heard from again.

So now what does it mean?

[Trustandlove]

I thought one of the points of this forum was NOT to have many different boards....  before this one existed I was on another one where there was just that, the categories suggested above, and it really was unwieldy.  And people would jump between categories; those with CBs would jump from reconciled to not to back again....  it was very hard to follow.

One of the lovely things about this board is the way we keep one thread for a long time, it makes it easy to follow someone's story, and yes, if you don't want to read about dating, for example, you just don't read that person's thread!

But back to the original topic, of course we all know that there are fewer reconciliations than not, but here, this forum, is where I thought we were safe in playing the long game.  Everywhere else tells you to give up. 

In one of her intro articles RCR says that she believes that there would be fewer divorces if more people took a stand.  And that is what so many of us are here to do.