[Ready2Transform]

So l'm not sure about making them accountable or maybe l just did it wrong , gotta be careful about it l think and the way it's said but l was pretty damn pissed and had been carrying that inside for 3yrs and letting her of Scot free.
Gotta admit though ,bc of the sitch with my d now , l really wish l'd just shut the fk up at the time and not poked the bear .

Still hoping in time we can get back on track and it blows over.

Hawk, with all due respect, the reason you are now not talking and it is difficult for matters regarding d isn't because you said something to her (or even HOW you said it), it's because of HER reaction, which SHE is responsible for!! SHE is the reason there is a problem. Your reaction of making it YOUR fault is because you have been emotionally abused by her! It is a common reaction by all of us, male and female, and I saw my own father do it for decades with my bpd mother. He was not responsible for ANY of her actions or reactions, just as you are not. I'm sorry it makes it difficult for and with your daughter, but if it wasn't THIS, it would be something else. You really have to know this and you really have to allow her to own her own problems without taking responsibility for them - for ANY of them.

We all come here abused by them and seeking to fix it, but I really want to encourage you to go deep in your mirror work and get your power and peace back. And power is not about "then you can attack her" - it's about "and then you can no longer accept less than what is reasonable" from anyone, including her. If she can't deliver, then you'll learn there's probably a lot less you have to communicate with her about regarding your d anyway (your d directly, teachers, and other third parties as needed can fill you in instead).

We fail here when we encourage people to mitigate abuse instead of end it.

[beyondblessed]

Hawk....you did nothing wrong in calling her out.  In my eyes, it serves absolutely no purpose to continue to placate to these people who have treated everyone around them as bothersome nconveniences and destroyed everything else in their way.  Nothing wrong with a truth dart that manages to pierce their fantastical little bubble.  The truth hurts....with the guilt and shame...no surprise she's kept her distance.  Now she knows you see thru her bs.  Just sorry she's manipulating the situation and taking it out on your D.  Truly selfish.

[Braveheart]

I called my X out when I found out she was moving in with the OM, we had to meet up at the DMV to transfer the ownership of one of our cars. When we were done I looked her and said, " I don't know how you could do this to us and our family, even if you been a paraplegic for the last 20 years I'd never have done what you did, I'd have stuck by you to the end". She ran off and I've not had more than a dozen words with her since....I worried about being that blunt early on, but felt much better for saying what needed to be said. Now I realize I was right,  and she'll never be in any doubt about my integrity and devotion to our family and marriage.

[beyondblessed]

Braveheart, I did the same to my xh very early on...about a month after he filed the D and just 4 months post BD.  Told him everything I had enough of the 16 years of our M because even by that point, I knew I didn't want anything else to do with him.  All he could do was try....but I didn't let him, to weakly monster.  It was the moment I lost all respect for him and saw him as the coward he continues to be to this day.  My life is so much better without him.

[stayed]

Hawk it made me sad to read that you REGRETTED calling out your wife about the credit card incident.  Every word Ready2Transform said is true.  Trust us when we tell you, one way or another your wife was not going to be talking to you at this time.  That's the way MLCer work.  No matter what you say or do, YOU ARE THE ONE AT FAULT in their mind.

Please my dear, stop regretting what you said.  It doesn't matter whether she had it coming or not.. you said it, SO WHAT? Don't let her or ANYBODY manipulate you.  You did and said NOTHING wrong. 

Hugs Stayed

[Keep believing]

I agree with stayed 100%.

[Loyal]

That's the way MLCer work.  No matter what you say or do, YOU ARE THE ONE AT FAULT in their mind.

Please my dear, stop regretting what you said.  It doesn't matter whether she had it coming or not.. you said it, SO WHAT? Don't let her or ANYBODY manipulate you.  You did and said NOTHING wrong. 

So true.

[beyondblessed]

If telling someone the truth is the wrong thing to do in any relationship, then I just give up that relationship .  Period.  A true, lasting relationship is one where honesty, loyalty, respect and devotion thrive.  It is one where communication and dedication abound.  Not one of walking on glass, measuring every word, so as not to offend the other party by pointing out your own position.  If the person truly loves you, he or she will understand what you are saying.

Bottom line, these people know what they are doing.  They are not simply on auto pilot, with someone else "flying the plane".  Acceptance of this truth is what leads to your forward movement.

[Dji76]

Some excellent posts here... 2.5 years post bd and my x still acts like a bratty teenager when things dont go her way. Not attractive. I do recognize that the old me would have felt how Hawk did. It is a learned behavior as a response to living with such a difficult person. Do the mirror work and you can break that cycle for yourself.

[stayed]

Bottom line, these people know what they are doing.  They are not simply on auto pilot, with someone else "flying the plane".  Acceptance of this truth is what leads to your forward movement.

I so agree about that tocslave! My h told me so.  Now, I have had RCR and some others tell me that we can't ALWAYS believe what a recovered MLCer says, because their views are skewered, you know, having had a mid life crisis and all.  Their minds were in a fog the entire time and they don't remember what they did.  According to my hubby, that is total POPPY COCK!  He knew!  He remembers!  He knew it was wrong!  He CHOSE to do it anyway because he felt he DESERVED to have his happiness, no matter who it hurt or effected. 

I honestly believe that MLC is a depression of one sort or another.  I truly believe that.  I do NOT believe that they have AMNESIA once it is over.  I think people being people, will do anything to hide their wrong doings.  They will do anything to not feel badly about themselves.  The problem is, BETRAYAL is a particularly heinous crime.  It's not something that sends a person to jail generally, but nobody likes to be known as a lying, cheating, disloyal abandoner. 

Sadly that is what our MLCer's are now.  They have to own that about themselves and if they don't, I'm not sure that an LBSer can actually get past this.  That cannot be done in any TWO week period of time.  Anybody who believes they have only two weeks to get the truth from their returner is a fool, in my opinion.  They didn't take two weeks to be crazy, they took as long as it took, well the same applies to the LBS.  Sorry, but that's how I see it!

Again, just my opinion. 

Hugs Stayed