[Anjae]

Can we sticky this thread?

I reread it all the time when i need a boost and more great info just keeps getting added to it.

No, we can not. We already have too many sticky threads. 


MLCers are very strange creatures. Mr J left more about 10 years ago. He is still living with OW2, with whom he has been for over eight years. Yet, he still makes it as hard as possible for us to divorce. Go figure.

In our case, we do not talk to each other, we do not see each other, so he does not have his LBS fix, then go back to OW.

He just never seemed to really want a divorce, only opening court cases for appease OW. There was a time I was pushing for the divorce, and, of course, he was make my life a hell. If I want something he does not. I stop caring about it (remaining legally married is not going to stop me from a new relationship), he still does nothing to make it go ahead. One of these days I may push again, but, for now, I am busy with other things.

[denjef31]

Indeed MLC'er are strange. I cant speak from experience on exactly your H thought process as he is what I guess some say is a vanisher? I do know his reluctance and no real effort to get a divorce means he doesn't want to make anything permanent with OW, and he doesn't want to finally close the chapter on the marriage either. This could go on forever I suppose as OW probably is content with having him as long as he returns to him and you have totally removed yourself from the situation and have moved on with your life.

He too is stuck in time. Weeks, months, and years are different for people who are depressed. Time just stands still and before you know it months and years have passed and no real changes and no real efforts are being made. We just accept the status quo existing but not existing. Never truly happy, but too stuck to do anything about it so we take the easy path, the road less traveled.

[Anjae]

He is a vanisher because I made him be one. Otherwise he would remain the champion of clingers. At a point, I could no longer allow communication with him. He was draining my energy and soul.

OW is not happy at all with the situation. He only runs to court, or pretends he is doing something, because she is unhappy with things. But, of course, he can always say, well, legal things take time. They do. And, around here, a lot of it. We are still waiting for a court document to sign, saying we agree to divorce out of court. In the past, I would have called the court and speed them up. Not this time.

I know that depressed people lose time perspective, but, come on, it has been more than 10 years since he left. He knows how old he is now and that it is 2016. Or, at least, I think he does.

For me, it would be important to have him come out of the fog because that way he would no longer oppose the legalities and would pay all the money he owns me. In the tunnel, he just fights, screams and delays. 

His easy path seems a very hard one to me. Always miserable, drunk, sleep deprived, with a woman that on his own words he "does not give a firetruck about", clubbing and djing like he was a kid. A miserable kid. OW2 can have him while he is at it. I don't want an unhappy, grumpy, drunk, miserable man around me.

If he is not capable of become unstuck, there is little I can do. I suspect one of these days OW is going to have enough of him and his MLC party ways. Then, he finds a new OW or something. 

it is quite sad to see someone that used to be a good, interesting man turned into a boring drunk, leading a self destructive life, but it is up to him to make changes.

The only advantage in this situation is that, while we remain legally married, if anything happens to him, I am his heir (that is the law in our country), OW gets nothing. Other than that, there is nothing of interest in it.

But I may want to get married again. I wanted to in the past, before my life become filled with many other things, and I may again. What happened when I wanted to be married again? Of course Mr J made sure that he found every single legal way of dragging, not being available, saying yes to a settlement, then have it canceled. You name it.

By then I was very upset and very pushy, then I got bored with his antics.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef,

I've been divorced for a year, and the AD seems to be the one that is hellbent on causing drama. Using my OD to try to provoke me. Hanging out with her, and even went so far as to try to friend my MD on Facebook. The EX got upset because MD undfriended him on FB. He posts everything that he and the AD do together, she was sick of it. The 2 younger ones can't stand the AD, and they found out about her on FB. So, he's not winning any points.

My ExH won't adhere to the divorce agreement of the custody agreements (that were all in his favor). I've asked for everything to be sent by post, and he still emails and texts.

I have a question: He initiated the divorce and I gave it to him. Why the game playing still? And what does this achieve? He even asked MD if she wanted to have a relationship with him. She's 16! He's upset that the girls don't reach out to him ( he only texts, doesn't call ), and refuses to send me anything in the mail, no matter how important.

I don't contact, or even reply unless it's absolutely necessary. Now he's using the kids to try to provoke me. What's the deal?

[denjef31]

I agree with you 100% while time does stand still for the MLC, 10 years is a bit much. He is just stuck and wallowing in his empty life. OW will get tired eventually if she has any sense in that brain of hers and yep he will just move on to the next as he doesn't appear capable of wanting to face his issues so he avoids and treats it with alcohol and adultery. It is quite sad but that is his problem and his losses.

I do hope you are able to get a resolution in the near future for the legal matter because it appears that is all it is at this point a legal matter.

[denjef31]

Denjef,

I've been divorced for a year, and the AD seems to be the one that is hellbent on causing drama. Using my OD to try to provoke me. Hanging out with her, and even went so far as to try to friend my MD on Facebook. The EX got upset because MD undfriended him on FB. He posts everything that he and the AD do together, she was sick of it. The 2 younger ones can't stand the AD, and they found out about her on FB. So, he's not winning any points.

My ExH won't adhere to the divorce agreement of the custody agreements (that were all in his favor). I've asked for everything to be sent by post, and he still emails and texts.

I have a question: He initiated the divorce and I gave it to him. Why the game playing still? And what does this achieve? He even asked MD if she wanted to have a relationship with him. She's 16! He's upset that the girls don't reach out to him ( he only texts, doesn't call ), and refuses to send me anything in the mail, no matter how important.

I don't contact, or even reply unless it's absolutely necessary. Now he's using the kids to try to provoke me. What's the deal?

The deal is he is miserable. All the running he has done and still has not found an ounce of happiness! What his affair partner and her daughter see are all a façade. He is not happy and realizes this life he left to go pursue with OW has not brought him the joy he thought it would so he torments you, hoping you don't move on and find happiness he was unable to achieve.

The reaching out to people who are close to you are attempts to reach you for a reaction without seeming like he is. These are teenager games I use to play when I was like 17 years old. Seriously it really is that simple, he has regressed back to the mind of his teenage years. I don't see your XH being able to come forth in any meaningful way anytime soon. For 1 you do not wish to communicate with him, and 2 he is not capable of being an adult at this point and putting it all on the line.

The affair partner does not require anything from him but a warm body beside her obviously because if she paid attention she would see is not capable of having a healthy adult relationship right now. But that is just it that is all she knows of your XH so to her it seems normal, but to others who know him they know something is off and he is irrational person right now but he does it in the most sneaky way. Monkey braining game playing... continue on with exactly how you are.

[strength]

To all of you who responded to me, thank you so much.  This thread has helped me so much.  Def, H has been with OW 2 1/2+years and still going strong.  Trust me, when I speak to my H, I am always up and doing well.  I moved 1000 miles away so H has no idea what I am doing.  I have done therapy, talk to my priest, exercise and I have met many great people.  I have come a long way since I left 1 1/2 years ago.  Everyone tells me how strong I am.  I never bring up OW to H.  I let the OW do what she does to try and hurt me.  I say nothing to H, other than send H copies of everything OW sends me.  H has told me in the last month - "You are a beautiful person inside and out.  I respect you and know you would do anything to help me with my health".  H knows i have worked hard on myself and done very well.  I have pushed the D, but he is dragging his feet.  H told me his head is really f..... up.  No one can believe H is still with OW because of the 40 year difference.  OW holds on to H for her life.  I don't call H anymore, nor text.  I am done trying to reach out to H.  It hurts too much.  I have read and reread your responses to others.  I provides me strenght and  makes me realize that all MLC'ers are the same.  Everyone tells me "he is not the man anyone of us ever knew"  I pray constantly but I live now with little hope.

[Velika]

Denjef, this thread is so helpful.

My husband is in year two (15 months) of MLC. He filed for divorce eight months in after his OW became pregnant ("unplanned"). She moved close by but they do not live together. I am not sure why. I am not sure if the mask has slipped. She has gained a lot of weight since the pregnancy and he as well does not look good.

My husband is a lawyer but arrives totally unprepared to mediation and owes me now six figures in alimony. He has turned in no disclosures.

He is very upset I do not want to be friends. I am almost no contact except when I need to communicate about our son, and this is all text message.

I feel that in our situation there is no hope, because even if he realizes he made a mistake he won't abandon OW and new baby. Also, he had followed emotional abuse script and with this baby there would be so much to overcome.

The hardest part for me is having to let our son spend 50 percent of time with his dad who I am not sure is even sane. My lawyer said I can't push back unless he does something overtly crazy or irresponsible.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on pregnancy and MLC (and how you might have responded had you gotten pregnant in the fog) as well as kids and MLC.

Thank you for all this information!

[strength]

I worry about OW getting pregnant all the time.  OW is 24 and H soon to be 63.  OW takes pregnancy tests all the time.  i found them when I was home.  I am sorry for you.  H's don't realize how they are ruining their lives and their families lives.  We are stuck in this MLC that we never thought was possible in our lives.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I worry about OW getting pregnant all the time.  OW is 24 and H soon to be 63.  OW takes pregnancy tests all the time.  i found them when I was home.  I am sorry for you.  H's don't realize how they are ruining their lives and their families lives.  We are stuck in this MLC that we never thought was possible in our lives.

The best part of all of this with the OW? If she does get pregnant, guess who will be stuck with raising a baby all by herself when he comes to his senses. I remember the woman who had twins at 66 and was shocked at home much work newborns were. The quest to stay young really is fun for a while, but the reality of having to be up with a baby all night? Good luck with that. She's trying to get pregnant so that she feels like she can trap him. Pure and simple. His swimmers aren't as young as they used to be, and she's risking a baby with lots of issues.

Don't torture yourself with those kinds of thoughts, she's a child that is living in a fantasy world. If you block her texts and calls, you'll have more piece of mind. Don't give her anymore attention, you won't be fun to play with if you don't. The best way to play the game is not to play. I noticed that the AD in my case is constantly trying to get under my skin. She can't, I don't even acknowledge her existence. Don't let yourself get caught up in her drama. She feels empowered tormenting you. Take away her power: ignore her. Far more effective than telling your husband, and will get to her more than her taunting you ever could.