[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef, I'm curious from your experience what happens to a MLCer who makes a "big" decision that is either difficult or impossible to reverse. For example, marrying OW, moving far away, having a baby with OW, etc.

Would the MLCer in this situation need to recover and come out of MLC outside of the context of the LBS? Would the LBS likely never see any resolution?


If you had made a very permanent decision in the fog what do you think might have been your response and how might that have changed the outcome of your crisis?

Thank you!

I was wondering the same thing. Mine with the whole using the kids, and AD to try to provoke me post Divorce. This idea that they don't want us, but don't want anyone else to be with us either. What causes this confusion? Since I have a boomerang clinger it's really getting irritating. Do they come to believe that there is a point of no return, or do they continue to live in denial?

[denjef31]

Denjef

Firstly I want to thank you again for everything you have shared.

I have done a huge amount of research collating hundreds of pages of MLC views/experiences/reflections (some I have posted on here) and where there are comforting similarities between some of them, there are so many things to learn by reading new experiences as people articulate their experiences in different ways.

But I do have some questions for you, if you don't mind?

You mention your awakening and I have read through your past posts and cannot find the details of this (forgive me if I have missed it)

But
What caused your awakening?
Was it sudden?
What did it feel like to you did you feel like your old self, did you feel threatened by it, did you feel more able to cope...etc?
and what did you start to do, what was your behaviour like in the days, weeks months following your awakening?


Thanks again and I wish you and your H the very best xx

Well I thought I wrote about it, maybe I didn't. My awakening it was very sudden. I pretty much was a functioning zombie to be honest, feeling something but not really nothing. Makes no sense and that's just the point. Awareness of a total fu#$ up I was but powerless to really do anything to make changes. I would cry in bed honestly every night cursing god, friends, and family. I felt really alone and I didn't have the answers of why or what was causing these feelings. I had my opinions, it was my job, then it was my marriage, and then the kids. I searched internally for answers but never coming up with anything that made sense. I would push those feelings of needing answers to the side and self medicate. At first I tried what my doctors and counselor suggested, but it just was not getting any better. So I took matters in my own hands and I started to find my own way to cope.

That involved partying and OM. None of that crap for me lasted very long, as I just had some idealizations of how life should be. The euphoric feelings wore off on it's own. Nothing had changed, OM wanted something serious, I just couldn't put my finger on why I couldn't go further with the romance. I knew deep down what I felt was euphoric but it was not love. OM couldn't erase the feelings I felt for H, he couldn't erase the memories, he just was not my H. Meantime I am treating my H like dirt, but what I felt on the inside was totally different from how I treated him during that time.

My H stood without either of us knowing that was what he was doing for almost 3 years. I remember having a big breakdown or release of the feelings of emptiness in my room just crying and crying. While I am crying I am thinking about H, all the bad things I told myself and anybody who would listen were a deal breaker and why I was leaving him I couldn't recall anymore. I just couldn't think of a good reason to throw it all away. All of his kindness, all of his tears, his sadness, his pain just washed over me in my bedroom that night. For the first time in 3 years I thought about how I treated him, what he must have been feeling, how I was so cruel, thoughtless and mean to him. How I had betrayed him, belittled him. I felt so much guilt and remorse and I just kept crying asking god to help me help myself. I asked him to fix me, heal me, show me what is my purpose in life as I truly did not know.

I woke up the next day and I felt clear headed. I felt like everything is not perfect, but I felt for the first time I could cope. I started being nice to everyone. I was scared to say anything to my H so I just observed him, was nice and kind, but quiet. I did this for a few months scared of how to proceed, unsure if I can even fix what I had done or if he even wanted me back. I started re-inserting myself in family functions but still quiet not telling my H nothing as I wanted to see what he was doing. All the changes he had made were they real or fake. I yearned for him and it was very difficult to not tell him what I was thinking but I couldn't trust myself just yet. I kept going to counseling but I refused to take any medicine. I just kept meditating, talking to god at night, and journaling my feelings in a notebook I had bought.

My H at some point started being distant, but I had already had my awakening by then so it made me speed up my desire to let him know I was ready to be a wife and I would do what it took to save us. From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did. The reason I believe this because I always had an awareness of what I was doing and that I still loved my H. I told him several times when he would plead to be with me that I would take him back one day. I knew what I was doing wouldn't last, nor did I want it to. Regardless I still felt a strong pull to do it anyway.

The awakening goes in stages, it is like waking up and realizing what you have done, I sat and pondered for quite some time on what to do next, I started doing the only thing I felt comfortable in doing at first was being a mom and being friendly to him, all my bad behavior stopped, and I told OM it was done. I worked on being H friend, and we were friends for 3 or 4 months before I was honest with him that I wanted to work on the marriage. Then I started putting my words into actions and trying to show him by being thoughtful and totally opposite of what I had been for 3 years. It was gradual but I felt rushed into stepping up. Maybe that is what I needed as I am not sure if he didn't start distancing himself if I would not be in the same limbo rut going back and forth on how to begin to fix things.


Denjef31

[No expectations]

Thank you Denjaf.  I know this must be so painful for you to keep reliving, yet it is so helpful to those of us LBS.  It really shows that GAL is so important, whether or not your spouse will ever come back.

[em5731]

My husband left 14 months ago. We have not spoken since . I thought he would come to me eventually. But nothing yet. He has a horrible relationship with our 8 year. Is it because she is so close to me. Did you have any emotions with your kids. He just goes thru the day with her and could really care less.

[1trouble]

Thank you Def for a very honest and heart felt reply.
I am truly grateful to you for taking the time to answer my question in such detail and so quickly

xx

[devoted]

Attaching

[Thunder]

" From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

I wish EVERY LBS would read that statement!  I've heard this from 3 different MLCer's now.

You need to let them go!
Thank you, den.

[Nas]

" From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

I wish EVERY LBS would read that statement!  I've heard this from 3 different MLCer's now.

You need to let them go!
Thank you, den.

I couldn't have read this at a better time!  Thank you so much, Denjef.  These threads are so great to read and I imagine it can't be easy for you to write some of what you have written but you are amazing for doing this for us.

I have had to completely let go of my H.  I believe he is in the deepest, darkest part of his journey and back to treating me the way he did immediately after BD, as if I am the worst person in the world and he hates me.  He has blatantly avoided dealing with legal paperwork for over a year and is now demanding I sign the D papers and saying I have been the hold up, which is absolutely absurd. 

He seems really angry that I moved to another state, even though he moved 1000 miles away from me in June.
I went very dark/dim right after he moved, only contacting him about the legal issue.  In September, I stopped contacting him altogether. 
He didn't contact me either but then when he found out I was moving in November he quickly had his lawyer draft up papers and is back to being angry and hateful, even using my beloved dog as a means of lashing out at me.  He took my dog with him when he moved so I don't even get to see him anymore - he knows I miss the dog terribly and now he is saying he's likely going to have to put the dog to sleep due to his health issues.

I know it's MLC but I still often have a hard time wrapping my head around such cruelty.  Even with all the knowledge I have gained, the lashing out at me still takes a toll.  I feel the only thing I can do is not contact him and continue rebuilding my life in my new home while he builds his new life with OW. 

[Christina13]

I'm living through the same cruelty Nassau. I can't understand what drives him.
 I wanted to touch on Velika's question about big decisions made during the crisis. In her case her husband now is expecting a child.
 My husband I believed was angry because I spoke to his mom and she confronted him and he walked in and filed for divorce on his own without a lawyer. After claiming that's where all his money goes.
He never told me he filed and I've never received papers. He only brings it up when confronted with something. Like money. I'm not sure he realuzes this is real life here. Or the gravity of a divorce under these circumstances.
 Denjef ,
What are your thoughts on these decisions they make knowingly or in Velika's situation I'm sure was not planned.
Thank you in advance. I know you're trying to hard to answer everyone. Your perspective is invaluable.

[strength]

Nassau, I have the same situation going on right now.  For a while H was calming down a bit and the other night H called me and hurt me like I have never been hurt before.  H said the meanest things ever.  I cried all night.  I can no longer talk to H.  I can't do it anymore.  It all makes me ill and I don't want to get sick for my children.  I have nothing left to say anymore.  H is happy with OW and they are living their lives.


Denjef, Thank you posting.  It is a huge help to LBS.  The MLC is complicated for us who don't understand where our spouses went to.  I will continue to read your posts.  God Bless You for sharing and reliving the pain to benefit others.