[denjef31]

Someone asked a question in this thread about a spouse who remarried or had a baby with OW/OM. I do not have personal experience with this so this is just a theory from what I was feeling and thinking at the time and what I have seen with my own H during his MLC. I absolutely was not so far infatuated that I ever completely removed myself out of H life. I frequently checked the anchor so I was totally aware that at some point I did indeed want to return to the marriage. I was also aware that if I got pregnant, took a man around my kids, or flaunted OM in front of my H that those could possibly be un-repairable deal breakers for my H. I still did what I wanted to do so that's where the lying, and running comes in. We really don't want to hurt you and some are consciously aware that the future involves you but they cant help themselves from exploring this OW/OM.
 
There are some MLC's who actually have bought into the whole euphoric feelings the fog brings on and they are temporarily blinded by their own destructive behavior and see nothing wrong with pursuing what they feel brings them happiness even at the cost of hurting their spouse and kids. When you have this type of MLC yes it is very possible they will marry OP and/or have a baby with this person feeling they have met the love of their life and you although they love you were not the love of their life. That is irrational thinking and behavior. The feelings do evaporate and then they are left with the choice of staying and trying to make it work with OP knowing once the fog has lifted they actually don't have much in common with the person, and actually hate the choices they made but they feel compelled to stay out of embarrassment. They have messed up so many people lives in the process it just doesn't feel fair to cut and run again. So they stay in a miserable relationship and suffer the bed they made.

Now, that is a very small few. If they walked out on you and your children, that means they are capable of waking up and getting out of the relationship they feel was a mistake and entered in when they were not thinking clearly. They will test you, see if they have a chance with you before any decisions are made. They have to feel their is a chance for them to go through the drama of hurting people again. Yes, once the fog has lifted they can and do return back to their marriages. They do make arrangements to be a father to the child they created with OP but they go home to their spouses hoping to blend their family and seek your forgiveness. I read countless stories of this being the case.

My H I believe felt as I did when I was depressed. Even deep in his fog there are certain things he must have thought about that could not happen if we were to ever get back together in the future. He out of the blue one day in early spring when he was still in the thick of the fog that he would never marry anybody and he would never have any children with another woman. I think these are personal deal breakers for him and so he made a promise to me to never do that to me.

Some OW/OM can be very deceptive and manipulative so while your spouse has no intention of doing these things, sometimes things are out of their control. While other things such as marrying the OP are more about keeping the euphoric feeling going. If I marry him/her then they will not withhold this love, this feeling that I feel when I am with him/her so If this is what I must do to keep him/her happy then I will do it as being with them makes me happy. When the fog lifts, they realize just how stupid the decision was and just like that they want out, and you will see them sniffing around looking for any breadcrumbs that they could come back.

[denjef31]

Denjaf,

It was initially my idea for H to go, this was before I realized the extent of MLC.  This was after I discovered the EA w OW, and h was telling me how broken he felt.  I suggested the therapist we'd been to quite a while ago.  Once he reached out to her, he started going to IC eagerly.  After a few sessions, I also went to IC.  Then, at his suggestion, I started going w him, not really MC, more like I was there for his IC.  He thought (and the therapist thought) that it would help us to communicate.  We did this a couple times, then the therapist went out on medical leave.  H has said he couldn't wait until after the first of the year, when she returns, to go back.  I think he realizes it is helping HIM.  We haven't gotten to the point that it is about US, he's not ready for that and I do understand that.  If he chooses to return, it's up to him, and it will continue to be about him as long as he needs/wants it.

Thanks

This is good, as long as he is initiating it. I encourage you to go under those circumstances but I will caution you to be more of an active listener. You can learn a lot of good things about what your husband is thinking or feeling by just listening. You seem to have a good handle on what you need to do so I look forward to reading more about how H is coming along in the new year.

[No expectations]

Yes, I have learned to be a good listener.  I know if I make it about US, or ME, that he will shut down.  So I am learning.  One day at a time...  Thank you again, a million times over.  I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if I hadn't found this site!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef,

Thanks for your honesty, and for being open. This frank decision is one of the best that I've read on HS. It's insightful, and you have helped many of us with. This is now making some sense. It was really crazy for a long time, but now I'm at peace.

I'm still NC and now he's trying to connect with the kids, I'm not interfering. My OD is so out of control, all I can do is just make sure she's not going to self destruct.

I've detached to the point were I can say his name again without calling him the EX. I can say the AD's name without having any twinges of anything. I'm happy, and so are my Younger 2 girls.

This thread has helped me tremendously with staying in "ghost mode". Thanks for your help, it's truly appreciated.

[Keep believing]

Question: don't you think when you areconfised and trying to make decisions the the affair partner doesn't help matters? Why not get rid of them ? And I still don't understand this emotional attach emery . Can you give an example ? Maybe in a conversation they may have or action ? That part really confused me .  Explain this emotional attachment pleas . I just don't get it .

[gman242]

Keep believing, I understand part of it. It's up or mania phase of the mood swing or part of the MLC phase.

In the beginning, you don't care; it's just too much fun. When you're not doing it, all you can think about is doing what ever it is and this often helped through social media.. keeping the energy going while at work or other duties. You do things you normally wouldn't do.. I once spent 300$ of rent money on alcohol and going out to clubs (not all at once). You just feel this need to do it. We all have the desire to buy something special that we don't because it's frivolous and then once in a blue moon, we give in. Amplify that impulse times 1000 and make it every day.  That's how it is..

Then it begins to wear off. We can talk ourselves back into the "up" swing, but you start coming down faster and faster. Then you begin to bargain with and make excuses for yourself. I'll do this now and get over it later.. I'll just be ok if I can.. Once I get to, then I'll.. Life becomes a blur of looking directly down at your feet and counting the cracks in the sidewalk and then leaves, then the ants and then the grains in the concrete as you plod along day after day.

After that, people usually start throwing crap at the wall, hoping something sticks and will provide them with their first hand or foot hold out. They may try new jobs, change their style of dress again, hang out with a different crowd, watch different tv shows.. It's still escape and avoid, but this time, when they see something that offers a way out, they'll take a chance on it.

None of whatever is going on is real. It's more about the choice the person makes to do it, to give into the impulse to get carried away and not have to live with rules. To give themselves permission to buy that special bottle of perfume or that fancy watch. It's more about the illusion of control they feel by trying to define themselves by their new lifestyle more than it is any kind of love for the other person.

[Thunder]

I always heard the OP is like a drug that gives them a high.  They are depressed and feel nothing, then this addiction comes along and wow you feel again.  When you're away from them you start to go through a withdrawal...so you keep going back to get your high again, no matter how bad that person is for you or how much destruction they cause.

I don't think it's so much the ow/om having power, it's the addictive high the MLCer get from them.  So yeah, they listen to them because they don't want that high to leave them.  Like a drug addict who will sell their soul for that drug.

At least that's my take on it from what I've read.  I still think, in their state of mind, the ow/om could be anyone and they would listen to them.

denjef?  I'm sure you have a better explanation.   

[gman242]

Thunder, it's an addiction plain and simple.

[strength]

Thunder, I agree with what you are saying.  I see the addiction with my H and OW.  I don't know how they break that addiction and become normal again.  I have seen it a big part of H's life with OW, and H can't get enough with the child.  It is so disgusting.  When they are not together they sex text.  How normal is that?  When you have a family, life is not all about sex, it is about life and living life with your spouse in a healthy way.

Denjef,  What stage are you in the fog? 

[Keep believing]

Thanks . I totally " saw my h in the beginning fun part. He always seemed happy but he was always drinking . Anyway he is way past that. Over an odd feeling he keeps saying to himself , one last time with ow. To much to explain of why I feel this .  But beside the big you get what is this emotional bond.   Like someone said she. Making a decision whether to go home or not,they would be with their h feel good but then go back to om for emotional well being .what is the difference?   I understand the addiction thing  , that's not emotional. I also believe that could be true of the mlc saying if you stopped begging I would have woke up sooner a little but isn't it over when the crisis is over. All about them. Is that just another excuse or putting blame on the lbs that the crisis last longer..   I'm a recovering alcoholic . Now I could say thAt a million times. If only he did oft hey would do .... It wasn't until I was emotionally empty. Now if the begging and pleading stop and help the Mlc to get to that empty place then it makes sense.