[krathos]

Keep believing l   Like you know you are wrong but you do it anyway . You push the lbs away but yet want then there to wait.

That is the part that I can't wrap my head around either. My W has hinted at the same feeling, she knows that she is wrong in what she is doing but continues on with the whole affair.
I have been NC since the 24th and she hasn't contacted me since Christmas morning, but I ignored her, don't know if she is pissed about it or what but I do know that she has tried D several times.
I'm just kind of tired of playing this game with her, you tell me that you don't want me but you can't let go either, it is just one big game and I for one am sick of playing, I don't like sharing her with OM and I won't, time to really detach.
The sad thing is that part of me can't remember her here anymore, I guess that is good???

[denjef31]

In response to the rock bottom. Yes some of our spouses will never hit rock bottom because they will continue to run from it. Some spouses are not happy and they are not miserable so you think they will never hit rock bottom. What makes a person happy? Rock bottom doesn't have to come because the end of a relationship. Many things can influence rock bottom. I had a high paying job, a nice home, a H who I knew still loved and wanted to be with me, great kids, and OM who wanted to be with me. I still hit rock bottom!

Rock bottom for me was not about OM, it was about my own sh$t internally that I still did not address. I was running, and running as far and as fast as my little legs could carry me, withdrawing from my true family but I was still not happy. If you saw me I looked like the life of the party, drinking, smiling, laughing, joking around, on the go. Going on nice vacations, posting pics on FB, the socialite. All of that was a façade...BS!!!!

When I went home and I was finally alone to myself, my thoughts would flood in. I would take ambien, or clonazepam trying to go to sleep I didn't want to think. I escaped it for as long as I possibly could. I had it all or so it seemed. None of the things and people I was around truly made me happy, but I tried so hard to make it work. I tried hard to make this new life feel right but it never did. My old life was in the shadows and I was still drawn to it. I couldn't totally forget or give up that life. So I held on to it secretly.

What most of you are dealing with is a spouse who cant explain why they feel the way they feel, some are trying to figure it out themselves but they have no answers. They just feel a strong pull to seek whatever it is that is out there. You are seeking answers because you are hurting, they are seeking answers because they are mentally confused and torn. I had my rock bottom almost the same time I noticed H pulling away. Maybe I felt it intuitively before anything else. It was like waking up and the damn house is on fire! I woke up to freaking chaos around me. My life, marriage, relationships were all in shambles and I had no idea how bad it was until that very moment.

Yes I knew I was not returning calls, absent from family events, not spending quality time with the kids, ignored and abandon my H, but I just didn't know the depths of what I was doing until then. So it becomes a time of trying to fix things. The awareness that I was losing H happened around the same time I was coming out of the fog. That's the only reason I was able to recognize and start trying to fix it.

Remember when we are in the fog we don't really care too much what you do. We throw breadcrumbs to keep you right where you are, we in fact usually encourage you to move on go find someone to be happy with. All of this is script because deep down we really don't want that to happen but we say this to relieve our guilt so we can say we told you to move on. When in reality we say that because we are so confident that you love us that you will not move on and we are free then to continue doing what we are doing.

Denjef31

[Nas]

Thank you for this, denjef.  As always, your description of what it's like on the other side is so incredibly helpful.

Remember when we are in the fog we don't really care too much what you do. We throw breadcrumbs to keep you right where you are, we in fact usually encourage you to move on go find someone to be happy with. All of this is script because deep down we really don't want that to happen but we say this to relieve our guilt so we can say we told you to move on. When in reality we say that because we are so confident that you love us that you will not move on and we are free then to continue doing what we are doing.

My H has never told me to find someone else, even though he's run so far away from me and has never once wavered from saying he doesn't love me and he acts like he's not the least bit attracted to me. 
When I found out about OW, I asked H how he would feel about me being with another man.  He hunched over and said, "I wouldn't like it." Then he went into the bathroom and when he came out his eyes were bloodshot.
A few months later, when he told me he was moving 1000 miles away to be with OW, he also told me that OW's husband (from whom she had separated) has a new girlfriend.  I asked him why he, OW and OW's husband all have someone to spend time with and yet he had been stringing me along for a year at that point.  I asked him why I was the only one who wasn't totally free to find someone. (I know in reality I was.  I could do whatever I wanted.  He was throwing crumbs but I didn't have to accept them.)
He didn't have a response for me - he just looked away and his eyes filled with tears.

Rock bottom for me was not about OM, it was about my own sh$t internally that I still did not address. I was running, and running as far and as fast as my little legs could carry me, withdrawing from my true family but I was still not happy. If you saw me I looked like the life of the party, drinking, smiling, laughing, joking around, on the go. Going on nice vacations, posting pics on FB, the socialite. All of that was a façade...BS!!!!

When I went home and I was finally alone to myself, my thoughts would flood in. I would take ambien, or clonazepam trying to go to sleep I didn't want to think. I escaped it for as long as I possibly could. I had it all or so it seemed. None of the things and people I was around truly made me happy, but I tried so hard to make it work. I tried hard to make this new life feel right but it never did. My old life was in the shadows and I was still drawn to it. I couldn't totally forget or give up that life. So I held on to it secretly.

I'm glad I read this today.  H seems to be settling into his new life.  He's finally changed his location on his online profile from the city we lived in together to his new city where he lives with OW.  And he's starting to exhibit the kind of smugness and "grandiosity" he had for a few months right after BD.   Makes me think he thinks his new life is "working for him" and he's on a high from it.
A few weeks ago he wrote me an email saying he didn't want our D to drag out any longer. (Meanwhile, he did absolutely nothing for 19 months and just had papers drawn up when he found out I was moving 700 miles away.)
So he doesn't want it to "drag out" any longer, yet I've emailed him twice to move it along and got no response from him. 

It is so very hard to wrap my head around how he could be living so far away and starting to really build his life there (changing his online profile location, moving in with OW, switching to a local bank there) and yet he isn't making ending our marriage a priority.
I would think if he is intent on living a new life there, he would feel a strong need to "wrap up" his old life so he can be free to really live his new life fully. 

His issue, which he verbalized pretty clearly for a while before he moved away, is not feeling "good enough."
I don't know where his rock bottom will be.  I think if he finds himself not happy in his new life either, he won't think it's because he needs to find happiness within himself.  He'll think it's because he's "not good enough" for his new life.  And that I feel will take a very, very long time to work through, if he ever does. 
I believe we will be divorced and he will continue on for years, but I do pray every day that he gets through it, because the man I married was more than "good enough."

[denjef31]

He popped out had moments of clarity and he was emotional. The same thing that causes him to get emotional also caused him to run back in the tunnel where it is safe. He doesn't want to feel guilt, or sadness. He just wants to run, run, run. He feels this is the only way. He knows deep down what he has done, he knows it isn't right but he has suppressed some of it, the part that would give a glimpse of your pain. You are doing the best thing, let go of the situation and leave it to god. He either comes out of the tunnel or he doesn't. It could take years. You sound very strong, and I pray for peace and happiness in your life god bless! 

[Cat66]

Thank you so much for the post today Denjef, it was so very, very insightful and helpful.  It has given me further understanding of why my H is behaving the way he is.  I'm struggling today as New Year's Eve approaches and I know H will take ow to our friends' party.  However,  I believe what you said about about your new, fun life being a facade is the same for my H, he told me earlier this year his "happiness" is just a mask.  I needed to read this tonight and remind myself that not everything is as it seems.  Thanks again and wishing you great things for 2017.

[Never say never]

Denjef, ditto what Cat66 says!!  THANK YOU!!

[krathos]

Denjef, I to want to say thank you for the post, when I feel like giving up , which is happening more and more lately, I read your posts and I see exactly what you are saying in everything W is doing, how she is acting, all her seeking around.
She can't possibly be happy with this new life she has created for herself, her problems didn't go away they are just worse, I wasn't the problem like she has a habit of telling me, her life isn't better now, why she refuses to let me back in yet is crazy, in some ways she treats me like her husband still and in other ways no chance. But I guess time is on my side, in a lot of ways I'm better off without her, especially financially and I think it bothers her.
 Anyways thank you for keeping me rooted.

[Shelly7435]

A BIG THANK YOU!  This is exactly what I need to hear.  My H says I should find someone all the time.. well for about 2 years. My favorite part is he has picked out the people for me... BTW they are all married... seriously.. I am not you Mr. MLCer. 
I find it interesting that they would say that but secretly not really want you to move on and that they are confident that LBSer love them enough not move on. 
Thank Denjef!!!

[Keep believing]

Den,
When you started to repair your relationships , how was it different than the superficial relationship you had with people.? Kids?  Can you describe how you reconnected with your h? Was it slowly? Did you test the waters first? Didyou verbalize anything to him?  Why were you afraid to go to him if you knew he was " waiting for you" you knew he loved you. How long did it take you to start the proces of rebuilding with kids ? Then h ?

[Keep believing]

Den, after reading reply 117 again, could you explain the best way not to fall in to h pursuit? My h asked to get a cup of coffee . Weeks ago.  That sday i first said no then called him later and asked if he still wanted to meet. We did .it went ok.  Should i not have gone? Can you play out a scenerio of how we are not supposed to quote" you back off if he pursues"   Once again a fine line ofbeing there for him or do yuo back off if they pursue?