[Absolutely Fabulous]

Onward, I think Hardwork meant by stages not actual maturity level. 

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

All I can say is my IC therapist who is one of the best in our area affirmed I was emotionally abused by H during the 18 month MLC crap I lived with prior to BD. It's called withholding abuse and IS considered domestic abuse. It wore on my mental state. I fantasized about leaving him on numerous occasions but wanted so bad for my marriage to work. I'm done because of that abuse and the monstering abuse after BD. I will NEVER allow someone to abuse me again even if it's subtle. So, I am grateful for this thread. Domestic abuse isn't just physical. Most of us have been abused by our MLCERS here but excuse it as MLC behavior, mental illness,whatever. Sorry, but I am the happiest I've been in years thanks to my NC and D decision. Please respect that this is what I needed to do to be whole and happy again. I don't judge any standers.

[Slow Fade]

This is a distraction, and has nothing to do with the what I originally posted. If you need more clarification, then why don't you  let some other people post for a while, and see what they say. It may just be you. Your perception is noted. Not my responsibility to repeat myself. I don't even do that with my kids. You either get it, or you don't. If you feel that's rude, than you'll have to live with it. It is what it is. My thread, I set the tone, you can chose to read and respond or not. Your choice. IF you take something the wrong way, that's truly on you.

  Wow. Words I've heard almost verbatim from some MLC'rs.......

Domestic abuse isn't just physical. Most of us have been abused by our MLCERS here but excuse it as MLC behavior, mental illness,whatever.

  I have never heard any of the mentors or RCR use MLC as an excuse for abuse. In fact I'm sure they are pretty clear about protecting yourself financially, emotionally and physically in all cases no matter what. What is being discussed here, if I understand My3girls correctly, is the CHOICE to either be dim or dark or no contact as a tool to help an LBS heal and cope with the MLC behavior. Abuse is totally outside of any advice given otherwise. If you are being abused, get out and get help immediately.

What is NOT advocated by this site, is thinking that dim and dark or no contact is some kind of road-map to follow in order to cause a reconciliation. As far as I know, there is no formula or steps to follow. You have to do what works for you. Dim/dark and no contact are used when you need to step back and get your equilibrium again. Its a time out in order to gather strength and consider options. Its an emotional safety zone for the LBS when needed.

[Ready2Transform]

When I saw "D&D" on the thread title I thought it mean "divorced and done", not dim and dark. I agree with Calamity that if you're not standing, contact type doesn't matter because you have no reason to take a contact stance (and are free to tell them to get lost if that's what you want).

That was the original reasoning behind this thread. The hope that we could talk about our new lives to encourage and give hope to one another. Can you please clarify if that's why you are posting, just make sure we're on the same page. If not, that's up to you, but this is supposed to be a clearing of the head type of thread, with the focus on the LBSer not the MLCEr.

I like the reason behind this. I think so many times we just circle back to the MLCer all the time, and there's plenty of places to talk about them if we need to. That's one reason I don't "identify" as a stander - it just wraps a big part of my identity around someone else, and I'm finally to the point of detachment where I don't want that.

I have to encourage you guys that if you do hit financial rock bottom because of an MLCer, there's hope on the other side. I'm about half way through the bankruptcy process and it has not been as awful as I was expecting. I have modified my home loan in order to keep my house, and will need my bankruptcy judge to sign off on that, but it's all good. I've spent so much time focusing on 'saving' myself in every direction, it almost feels weird to not have that on my plate. It's all given me a newfound confidence that I can handle whatever happens. I've suffered with so much anxiety my whole life, but between my spiritual beliefs and the actions I'm taking, I don't feel it nearly as much. Empowerment helps. There's a future for us.

[Finding Hope]

My3girls,

I haven't read your thread or know you personally, but in this post I hear a lot of anger. Which sometimes seems to be a trend on this site. I've been at this going on 6 years, and knowing what most of the people have gone through you would think that you could offer more kindness with others who disagree with you. Your totally right, there are more opinions and you should give them the right to express them, no matter what they are. Just saying..........................
FH

[Absolutely Fabulous]

That was the original reasoning behind this thread. The hope that we could talk about our new lives to encourage and give hope to one another. Can you please clarify if that's why you are posting, just make sure we're on the same page. If not, that's up to you, but this is supposed to be a clearing of the head type of thread, with the focus on the LBSer not the MLCEr.

I like the reason behind this. I think so many times we just circle back to the MLCer all the time, and there's plenty of places to talk about them if we need to. That's one reason I don't "identify" as a stander - it just wraps a big part of my identity around someone else, and I'm finally to the point of detachment where I don't want that.

I have to encourage you guys that if you do hit financial rock bottom because of an MLCer, there's hope on the other side. I'm about half way through the bankruptcy process and it has not been as awful as I was expecting. I have modified my home loan in order to keep my house, and will need my bankruptcy judge to sign off on that, but it's all good. I've spent so much time focusing on 'saving' myself in every direction, it almost feels weird to not have that on my plate. It's all given me a newfound confidence that I can handle whatever happens. I've suffered with so much anxiety my whole life, but between my spiritual beliefs and the actions I'm taking, I don't feel it nearly as much. Empowerment helps. There's a future for us.

This is exactly what I was trying to convey. Thanks RTR, you get what I've been trying to say all along. I never implied that this thread was for standers or non standers. I simply asked a few questions, and prefaced it with where I was coming from. I've referred to D&D as Dim and Dark on previous threads. I thought that the context in which it was written was clear. Apparently not in the title, but definitely in the first post. This should clarify it.

Finding Hope, don't confuse anger with frustration. There are times when people go off on tangents ( I find that it happens a lot on the spouse due to not reading previous thread posts ) because of misunderstandings before clarifying. What you were reading was my frustration, not anger. If I was angry, I would have had no problems saying so. And even if I were, that's okay as well. This is the place to be able to express thoughts, opinions, and feelings, even the ones that make others uncomfortable.

[strongFaith34]

I would like some advice from the veterans....been through monster and H's emotional rollercoaster for 18 months....I know this isn't a long time but the damage that has been done is too much....Just reviewing the things H has done and rereading his texts made me realize I am done. Why am I holding onto someone who lives in a different reality? Who gets joy out of making me suffer?
He dropped out of the kids lives and moved 20 minutes away with a male roommate for 10 months and, barely visited the kids.

He hired a lawyer and filed for divorce, he decided to fight for 50% custody because I wouldn't agree to a quick divorce on his terms. When I hired a lawyer, he suddenly moved down the street and started taking the kids to his place more frequently. He does not want to pay me child support.
I was holding off on the divorce, but now I am thinking I should serve him and finish it quickly. He was barely spending time with the kids until I hired a lawyer; now he is trying to prove he deserves 50%. He set up their bedrooms and bought them furniture at his apartment. Any advice? Should I quickly file?

[Absolutely Fabulous]

What is NOT advocated by this site, is thinking that dim and dark or no contact is some kind of road-map to follow in order to cause a reconciliation. As far as I know, there is no formula or steps to follow. You have to do what works for you. Dim/dark and no contact are used when you need to step back and get your equilibrium again. Its a time out in order to gather strength and consider options. Its an emotional safety zone for the LBS when needed.

.


The whole reconciliation question is just part of a series of questions, and really isn't that big a part of the entire equation. Just one part. It seems to be what you're stuck on. If anyone is thinking of reconciliation. I've meet people that went NC and years later the MLCer wanted to come back. So in the grand scheme of things: we really don't know if contact is really necessary. There are sites and therapists that will tell you that it's essential, and others will tell you it doesn't make much of a difference. It depends on who you talk to, and who and what you believe.

I know that time is the one thing that makes a difference, and I do believe there is someone here on the spouse that left, and moved to another country to get away, and her husband went after her and found her. Don't know if she was NC, but it does make one wonder if they don't feel more confident knowing that the LBSer is going to wait for them no matter what they do. I personally believe that as long as they feel they can keep you waiting they will. If they know without a doubt that you will wait for them, they may make you wait for the rest of your life. Which seems to suit some of the MLCers ( especially the ones that have remarried and stayed married, just fine ). Waiting for a shadow might not be such a good idea, but to each his own.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I would like some advice from the veterans....been through monster and H's emotional rollercoaster for 18 months....I know this isn't a long time but the damage that has been done is too much....Just reviewing the things H has done and rereading his texts made me realize I am done. Why am I holding onto someone who lives in a different reality? Who gets joy out of making me suffer?
He dropped out of the kids lives and moved 20 minutes away with a male roommate for 10 months and, barely visited the kids.

He hired a lawyer and filed for divorce, he decided to fight for 50% custody because I wouldn't agree to a quick divorce on his terms. When I hired a lawyer, he suddenly moved down the street and started taking the kids to his place more frequently. He does not want to pay me child support.
I was holding off on the divorce, but now I am thinking I should serve him and finish it quickly. He was barely spending time with the kids until I hired a lawyer; now he is trying to prove he deserves 50%. He set up their bedrooms and bought them furniture at his apartment. Any advice? Should I quickly file?

The real question is: What do you want? Do you want to do this quickly? Is there a financial issue where you need to get this resolved fast? Are you feeling pressured? What does your lawyer say?

Are you Dim and Dark right now?

[in it]

I thought D&D mean divorced and done too..

MoreWillBeRevealed:

Nice post. I feel the same way throughout most of the relationship. A man will not ever abuse me on any level again. Actually I allow no one to.

I have been way to tolerant with quite a few of my same gender friendships too. I make excuses for them and let things slide.They get out of balance and one sided. I get hurt by these friends being pretty harsh.

Then they try to dismiss it or blow it off. I don't want that in my life.

I actually had a friend of mine try to manage me down a few ways and one of them was by saying " When you get hurt you tend to shut down"

Well who wouldn't ..what are you supposed to do open yourself up to more abuse? I've been NC with her for a few months.