[Ready2Transform]

Joe Beam has a new audio that really digs deep in describing the three stages of limerent affairs like most of us are experiencing the effects of (not referring to the same limerence that RCR talks about as a stage of MLC). Dr. Beam's overview relies heavily on Dr. Helen Fisher's work on limerence if any of the rest of you have found it in your research.

http://www.marriageradio.com/the-3-phases-of-limerence-joe-beam

If you're questioning, "Why does my spouse love THEM but hate ME?" - listen.

I looked at the other topics and didn't see one that I thought this fit into, but if the mods want to move it, feel free.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I heard about him last year. His podcast really helped me to get through the aftermath of the divorce. The constant posts on FB and all other social media was just infuriating. But, it made sense. Now, that limerence seems to have run it's course, he's back in the state. She's not with him and he's trying to reconnect with my younger girls. Crazy how it ends.

[Ready2Transform]

It's never any less fascinating how predictable it is. Even when he talks about the ones that marry and stay with the alienators, the way he describes how they stay to 'make it work' makes sense in my case. Glad to hear in this that there's a new study in the works.

[Velika]

It's never any less fascinating how predictable it is. Even when he talks about the ones that marry and stay with the alienators, the way he describes how they stay to 'make it work' makes sense in my case. Glad to hear in this that there's a new study in the works.

R2T how long does limerance last? In a case like mine is this likely what will end up happening? Are there signs that limerance is ending or is it abrupt?

[Ready2Transform]

According to Joe Beam, it *always* ends (but does not always equate with returning to the marriage). He puts a timeline of anywhere between 3 months and four years for the actual ending of the dopamine "love". One person ends it in the couple before the other, and the other will likely try to pull them back in. I have no clue if yours will be like mine (I would have guessed my xH would have pulled back to the marriage long before now, so I'm a bad judge. ). But from an outsider's perspective, the fact that yours is having a child with another woman and he's made no effort to even live with her or make quick work of divorcing you (even though you have proceedings, he sure is dragging it out) - I can't see him making a long term commitment to her other than child support. Just my opinion.

[Anjae]

I still can't understand the difference between limerance and infatuation. Both equal infatuated love.

In the podcast, Joe Beam says Limerance is being madly in love. If so, why not just use madly in love?

Sometimes I think there is a need to complicate, and used terms just for the sake of it.

What I don't think is that all MLCers are madly in love with their alienator. I doubt Mr J was ever madly in love with OW2. With O1, yes.

So, why is he with OW2? Trying to make it work. He threw everything away for OW1, she left him, OW2 come in place, lets make this thing work, because I have nothing else.

Ssince Limerance has mostly likely also happened for LBS & MLCer, and the relationship lasted past it, why couldn't the relationship with the alienator last past Limerance?

Which would mean that, the problem, is not Limerance, since that fades. The problem is that, even afterwards, MLCers tend to stay with their alienator until something breaks the relationship. 

And there are far more complicated thing that traps some MLCers than OW/OM, like the addictive lifestyle they chose and the friends they surround themselve with.

[beyondblessed]

To me, the very descriptions of limerence and infatuation make them virtually synomous.  Yes, this feeling will always because that's what happens to feelings.  But....just because the feeling goes away, it does NOT mean that the attachment does.  Infatuation and limerance can, and do sometimes lead to love.  This is a painful reality that we all must accept.  Just because we don't want to believe a relationship started like the ones we were dumped as a result of will make it, doesn't mean they won't last.  Our exes  (spouses) let themselves fall into this state, it wasn't accidental.  Maybe it was innocent enough at first, but at some point they (both parties) knew lines were being crossed, but still continued.

[Velika]

Beyonddone, I think you have a good point. My feeling is that you have to take the big picture and pattern of behavior.

I think that if there is a lot of bizarre behavior then it is likely a limerance/infatuation combined with altered brain chemistry that is unlike the chemistry of a "normal" person in limerance/infatuation.

I think everyone here has been infatuated but there is likely a limit to our behavior, no matter how much we felt like we were walking on sunshine.

R2T yes my MLC-H and his OW do not share a residence although typically they are together at one residence or the other. I think though he would be so ashamed to leave two women in rapid succession.

[Anjae]

So, Joe Beam happent o be a guy that left his wife to be with another woman. Uhhhhh...from what he tells on the Podcast, he had a MLC. It is textbook MLC. If you ask me, he is using Limerance instead of MLC. Or Limerance to explain how MLCers become infatuated. 

And, by the way, he says Limerance is love. One kind of love, a short kind of love.

There is hardly any love left between a MLCers and an alienator after the infatuation is gone. Plus, the failure rate for an adulterous relationship is of abour 95%. And of those, most will also not last.

Attachment, yes, I can see that. In a bad way, but yes, MLCer and alienator could remain attached for all thr wrong reasons.

Of course they knew lines were being crossed and carried on. On his letetr to OW1 Mr J says pretty much the same Joe Beam says in the podcast, he put his values aside, he had to cross is values off the list to do it. Mr J knew what he was doing was wrong. He could not stop.

And we have LBS here whose husband is on OW6 or more. No love there, just running from one infatuation to the other.

But MLC is much more than infatution/limerance. It is a bests of its own. Even if, listening to Joe Beam 's stroy, one could be forgived to think he had a MLC. His story is textebook MLC.

Many people have affairs, but do not consider leave and team up with the affair partner. MLCers always seem to go for the affair partner. 

MLCers, after a while, this a while can be a few years, become miserable. None of them is happy. If there was love, they would be happy, right? If their lives were good, they would be happy. They are not.
 

[sparklestar]

Fantastic resource - I heard an earlier broadcast on the subject by him - someone out it in my first thread - it really helped so thanks for sharing! I do have a question which maybe no one can answer but how does limerance fit with MLCrs that feel 'nothing' there's many a story where the MLCr actually never felt anything for the OW they just liked how she made them feel (ego based affairs)..... any ideas?