[ZaMunky]

I have come across this article on "What is Midlife Crisis".  Very interesting and soooo MLC Script, thought I would share with all the beautiful souls whose lives have been touched by the medically non-existent/non-recognized MLC epidemic......apparently we too are living a dream/nightmare (definitely no fantasy 👺)!

My MLCer told me that he needed space and that I deserved better....yes I certainly did and do 😂.  Guess you have to see the funny side of their lunatic behaviors 😬. He also told me that he left me because I wore flannelette pyjamas pants to bed....excuse me they are comfortable and I stopped wearing the sexy lingerie after kids, for obvious reasons.  For many years it did not bother him.  They came off easier and quicker for intimacy then lingerie 💋For the record I now wear sexy lingerie....for me....he is missing out....after participating involuntarily in the MLCer LBS Diet (😜) my body is in good shape....he is missing out big time lol.  I am beginning to think that I might be good enough 👡👗👠👡💃👸 after having my self confidence destroyed and shattered.  Such a dark period for a once very confident woman to endure 😢. 

Looking back we see the pathetic excuses for what they are. Yes they appear to be script for so many of us. ❤




MLC Script: Reasons for leaving and justifications for behavior many MLCers give

I need space.
I need to be on my own. 
I need to go away and find myself.
I need to be alone.
I want a new life.
I’m becoming the man I always should have been.
 
I need to find happiness. 
It’s time for me to be happy.
I haven’t been happy for years.
 
I want to be selfish for once in my life. 
It’s my turn to be selfish now.
I’m tired of spending my life doing what everyone else wants.
 
I feel like I’m dying.
I was suffocating. 
You suck the life out of me.
If I didn’t leave, I’d die.
 
I had to leave.
I tried.
 
The marriage is killing me.
I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.
 
I love you but I’m not in love with you.
I don’t love you the way I should.
I haven’t loved you for 10 years, but I was stuck and too lazy to do anything about it.
I never loved you.
I never should have married you.
 
We didn’t work.
We’re not compatible.
We drifted apart.
We’ve become different people.
 
We’re more like brother and sister.
We're more like roommates.
 
In my head I decided you don’t love me.
 
You changed. 
You never change.
Now we can become the people we were meant to be.
 
I felt so alone.
I’m so unhappy. 
It’s a crime to the universe to be this unhappy.
I’m not happy and you are the cause.
Nothing I did made you happy.
All I ever did was try to make you happy.
Nothing I did was good enough for you.
 
Why do you always have to be right about everything?
You emasculated me.
You didn’t make me feel wanted.
You pushed me away.
You abandoned me.
You don’t admire me.
You don't respect me.
You micromanaged me.
You were too controlling.
I’m nothing but a paycheck to you.
 
I didn’t abandon you guys, I still give you money.
You are the one in denial.
You need to move on. 
We’re over and you’re not accepting it.
You’re too independent.
Our marriage was over 5/10/15/20 years ago.
I am never coming back.
 
Why can’t I have both of you?
The affair is not why I left.
The other woman has nothing to do with why I left.
The affair is irrelevant.
The affair doesn’t matter.
The other woman listens to me
The other woman admires me.
The other woman adores me.
The other woman is a fantasy.
The other woman is a distraction.
The other woman makes me feel safe.
The other woman makes me feel sane.
 
You should date other people.
You’ll find someone better than me.
I’m not good enough for you.
I hope you find someone to give you the happiness I couldn’t.
I’m sorry I wasted your time.
I’m sorry I wasted so much of your life.
I hope we can be friends.
I don’t want to make any promises or give you false hope.
 
I’m not leaving the kids, I’m leaving you. 
I did not leave the children.
The kids will be fine with me leaving.
The kids are better off.
The kids are happier now that I’m happy.
I’m a better dad now.
I’m happier now than I’ve ever been.
 
I hope we can settle this amicably, without the need for lawyers.
Maybe we can get back together when all the debts are settled.
Posted by whatismidlifecrisis

OMG, that MLC Script is PERFECT. Its only been a couple weeks and I think I heard 50% of those already. But again, its early, I still have a chance to hear them all!!!

[Medusa]

LP, a fantastic explanation (to Passi) of something incredibly complex. Even though I worked most of this out a couple of years ago, your writing reminds me of how complicated their issues are.

Thank you.

[sparklestar]

Tyks I meant wife!

I'm so glad someone has posted the abandoned wife atydrome thing I saw the site and book and was too scared to read it as it looked so final. I now see fork these comments that possibly the AWS abandoners are likely MLCRs...

The OW in my case has daddy issues and totally did the 'my boss is so great' thing (H is her boss). He was recently made more senior and is pulling out all the stops to play the part (I could see through it and even mentioned a few things like why wasn't he as 'in' with the other directors for e.g. And was shot down in flames - I should add I have always been more succesful, better paid etc so maybe that was an issue in the end).

And OW played the 'poor me, rescuer me I'm a damsel in distress' card perfectly by making up an ex BD who abused her.

It's textbook really.

All the points outlined in the abandoned wife syndrome post are spot on (apart from BD not occurring at a mundane moment) I recognise them all and much of the 'script' from the very early posts...

Doesn't really help with the 'what next' these MLCRs spins round in a fig for sometimes forever..... and the AWS stuff seemed to imply they've gone, move on and give no info as to what may happen with the abandoner so not taking into account the MLC process that they may come out at some point etc....

[karmirtsaghik]

My MLC er said at the BD (October 14, 2014)

Marriage was dead long time ago (two months prior to that he was telling me that I was the love of his life, and these difficulties will pass, etc) My S4 was named after him, and definitely was a child of love.
Love is gone long time ago
I told him about finding looking outside the marriage (whereas I was telling him, that if people do not connect in marriage they eventually look outside to satisfy their needs)
I excommunicated him from house (justification for spending 1,5 year prior to BD in garage)
I got clod on him after kids were born. (apparently  I forgot to change his diaper. )
I am controlling
I am money and status monger
We are incompatible
It is better for children, as I am taking out my anger towards him on my children.
March 27, 2015 (6 months post-BD) after the short-lived affair (3 weeks long) with OW,
1. Marriage was good there was a lot of good stuff in marriage
2.He always felt better and happier when life with me was an option
3. He wants to reconcile whats to know my opinion.
4. It is better for children to grow up in complete families with loving mother and father.
July 2015
I am the love of his life. He loves me again, the feeling, as he said came back, literally overnight. Wants to be a better husband.
September 2015 asks what are my conditions for him to come back home. I provided with very reasonable conditions like counselling, exclusivity in marriage, personal and financial responsibility, etc.
Says he is not jumping through my loops. I only said sorry, these are not loops these are real work that we need to do in order to live together like husband and wife.

Completely second what LP wrote concerning MLC er and OW. My H. was a combination of Knight in Shining Armor ( who was saving OW from her abusive husband, helping her with finding cure from inexplicable debilitating pain (a.k.a opiod addiction) . OW btw had 10 pages long criminal record, ranging from child abuse, writing worthless cheques, prostitution), etc. But in his eyes she was perfect, because she was striking his vulnerable ego. Telling him that he is a great father, (sure, who is getting ready to leave his children and wife and move in with her to support her very expensive addiction habits)
To all others he presented himself as a devoted father, who suffered greatly from his abusive wife, and needed to set himself free. That he is doing it for the best of our children.

[BrenM]

Makes you wonder what is really going on in that mixed up brain

[karmirtsaghik]

Rossbren,

I do not wonder anymore. He is now telling friends that the reason for me not wanting him to come back is because I already found somebody else. And that "somebody"is none other than my friend's husband a father of one child. The reason for him not being back with me, of course, cannot be that he refused to do the work, because that would have forced him to look at himself, which MLC ers cannnot/are not able to.
And this is highly educated man, with Phd, who held rather high positions in the major International Organization. Sad, very sad to waste that potential.

[Tyks]

Okay, so I just love this thread. I know now that I am not crazy. I actually sent that article to my h. I know, against the rules and I never do that stuff. But I thought that if he actually read something it might snap him out of the fog. Nope..  so I decided to post his response here to get thoughts on it. I had said in the email to him that the separation agreement would be final and to please make sure that that is what he wants.

So this was his response. I am really looking forward to what people have to say about this email. I had asked him not to respond if he did not have anything positive to say

This email does not require a response either i only hope it gives you some insight on what I am thinking.

I am not so sure this is a response to your email but it is something I have been meaning to do and have been thinking about doing for the last few days.

The reality of were we are weighs heavy on me. I know my silence makes you think I don't care about you and your multiple attempts to try to re connect with me some way, some how. Since we have separated I have done what I usually do in situations where you and I don't agree or where we face confrontations. I have remained quite for the most part. It does not mean I don't care, what it means is we don't communicate very well at all and we never really have. Alot of that is to do with me shutting down, giving in or up or going along just to keep the peace and not to hurt anyone's feelings. 

The situation is not fair to you at all. You have not done anything to deserve this type of treatment. I don't mean to be mean. I don't mean to be unfair. I am not a bad person or at least i keep telling my self that.

Let me explain why I believe separation is best for us.

You and I are opposites. And for years that worked well for us. I supported you with my positivity and encouragement you looked out for and supported me and took care of the house and the kids and most everything else that needs to be taken care of to raise a family. We had a good life, not perfect but good. Of course perfect will never likely happen. There were issues like anyone's relationship. I could never satisfy you sexually. I don't think thats anyones fault just the reality. That always weighed on me. But it was something we lived with and adapted to. And of course other issues some bigger some smaller. Our communication as mentioned before sucked and we are both at fault for that.

There is no excuse for me to have looked outside our relationship for what I subconsciously thought i was lacking. But for some reason I did and more than once. That is not right and not fair to you or the vows we took. It wasn't until we separated that I really realized that. We all deserve someone who is committed to us and not seeking the company of others. The fact that I did/do this is a big factor in my decision I don't want to disrespect you like that ever again. You don't deserve that. No one does. I know I wouldn't like it.

One of the reasons that I did seek out another, in hindsight, was to connect with some one who was like me, personality wise. Everybody is different of course, and as I said before you and I are opposite in alot of ways personality wise. I have been getting tired of that for some time and of course rarely saying much about it. quite frankly until all this went down in September i didn't know why i was being agitated and spending more time outside and not feeling like being intimate, but I believe that is how it started. Tired of us being on different sides of things, of thinking of things differently, tired of being the positive one.

I have not been able to try really to get us back on track because of many things but the last one is the biggest reason. While it worked for us for a long time I am to the point now where the ying and yang thing is not working for me. And I feel that is why I have said we have drifted apart. There are things we could change, things we can do different but we are who we are.

I know that this separation changes everything, our future, our lives, obviously our relationship and I feel embarrassed, at times ashamed, at times lost. But I am trying to be honest with myself and you. I know it hurts and it sucks but I am trying to listen to myself which is really hard because it is not something I have ever really done. Maybe I am reading myself wrong I don't know but I am doing my best to try and do the right thing for me and us.

I hope this brings some clarity to you on how things are from my perspective.

[Enyo]

Things my H said at BD

You are controlling
You are needy
My ED is your fault (ouch!)
We have never been happy (for 34 years?)
I don’t want to be your carer
You dress like Waynetta Slob around the house ~ just goggle 'Wayne and Waynetta slob' and you will see just how insulting that one was.  BTW I wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt around the house.
You are socially inept
You are the reason I have no friends
I married too young
and I never got to do what I wanted!

When we met and married we were both in the RAF, I stayed in the RAF for 9 years after our marriage and only left when our children came along.  H stayed in for another 11 years.  Life in the forces was good and H traveled all over the world with his job so 'never go to do what I wanted' where the hell did that come from?

Enyo

[BrenM]

Their brains are in meltdown.  Unbelievable.  It amazes me that they don't direct their venom to others?  Why is it only the LBS and sometimes children?  Don't people in their workplace see that there minds are not the same?  Apparently not 😳

[Velika]

Tyks, is this how your husband wrote before bomb drop? Did he send long letters and use this style?

I am wondering because my MLC H was always very direct, simple letters with a little humor. Post bomb drop lengthy texts, letters, soliloquies, monologues, lectures. Oftentimes in a sort of flowery or overwrought style or else like the one you have posted, like a letter someone might compose in a Merchant Ivory film.

I have seen things written by other MLCer and it is like they all have this same writing style. My thinking (I just made a similar comment to Lioness) is that it is the emotional mind trying to sound rational. (Limbic brain without full input of prefrontal cortex function.)