[Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?]

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes

65 (70.7%)

No

17 (18.5%)

Don't Know

10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

[Roma]

I feel differently. I feel saying it's 'just a crisis' is insulting. My H went to a few doctors and therapists to find out what was wrong with him and got a diagnosis somewhere.

My H was the one that told me a few years ago, what was going on with him.

That was then. Now when he really needs medical help, he refuses to go back probably because of how he was treated and because MLC is not recognized by the medical community.

[Sally Wood]

I would like to submit that male menopause is a serious contender.   Consider that some women go through menopause without too much trouble, others not so good.  Men the same.  Testosterone drops as men age just as estrogen drops for women.  Of course men would never talk about the fact that they have male menopause or andropause.  Heaven forbid. 

Look at what they will do to keep the magic boner alive even in their 70's - Viagra even it it kills them with a heart attack! -and we are talking about men MLCers in their late 40's to early 50's who suddenly find that the machine doesn't work quite the way it used to.  For men that is a biggie.  Couple that with all of a sudden realizing they are getting older.  Serious ego issues arise.  The quest for eternal youth is on!  Diet, exercise, clothes that might look a bit too young and of course the much younger woman. 

I heard it myself. "I'm getting old"  Well sorry but it happens to us all.  Accept it and move on.  But it's not so easy for some people - including women.  I've read about women reaching menopause years and going off the rails - having sex with much younger men, dressing inappropriately etc. etc.

There is no question that hormones are powerful.  And, when you look at how weirdly similar the MLCers talk and behave as if there was some script,  I can't help but consider the effect that the changing hormones have on the brain and they are exactly the same hormones.  So if the brain chemistry gets rocked by certain hormones and it affects certain parts of the brain - well why not andropause.  That, at least, can be addressed medically.

Sally

[Velika]

I feel differently. I feel saying it's 'just a crisis' is insulting. My H went to a few doctors and therapists to find out what was wrong with him and got a diagnosis somewhere.

My H was the one that told me a few years ago, what was going on with him.

That was then. Now when he really needs medical help, he refuses to go back probably because of how he was treated and because MLC is not recognized by the medical community.

This is not an uncommon story. I think many realize that something is wrong but are either able to hide it or don't get answers from medical professionals.

I was very frustrated last year after going to three therapists with my MLC-H. To each one, I said: something has happened, he is a different person, this isn't who he used to be. Not one suggested seeing a doctor, and yet radical personality, behavior, and spending change are all widely accepted reasons to see a doctor.

[Thunder]

Sally,

I couldn't agree more.
I believe my H's crisis was mostly hormonal.  Hot flashes and all.

Velika,

That doesn't surprise me about the therapists.  They just don't want to believe in this crisis.
Like I said, my doctor was concerned and thought it could be a brain tumor.  But I never mentioned  MLC to him because I learned not to call it that.
No one takes you serious. 

[bluerose]

I have read up on male menopause and i believe it plays a huge role in this too.  I wonder what a doctor would say about it?

[Velika]

 I was noticing a very common thread in all of our stories is how suddenly and dramatically the spouse appears to change.

I know that there is more going on under the surface leading up to bomb drop, but there is also a point -- especially for those with extreme MLCers -- where they seem to "snap" and lose their empathy and even core personality. It seems like once this happens there is no turning back.

It seems unlikely that all of these spouses have had strokes or aneurysms, but it does seem like there is some sort of tipping point that isn't just psychological.

I was trying to think of other parallels and one was parents of children with autism. Many have noted that something happens, maybe virus or fever, digestion symptoms, and the child after that is totally disconnected, flat, aggressive.

Is it possible that what we are witnessing is related in some way? Are there parallels? Can you think of any other medical condition that could lead to this sudden "snap"?

[Not Applicable]

My MIL lives with us and she has been starting to have memory issues and acts very aggressive sometimes and she wasn't like that before. Something related to aging I am sure. I raised this with several family members because I was getting nowhere getting my husband to realize it. When I would tell him about her being aggressive toward me just so he knew what was going on and ask him not to say anything to her he would still go after her and tell her to knock it off.

The thing is he is acting the same, has memory problems and of course monster is aggressive. He also worries he will wind up like his mother someday and so I think he has been in denial about her state.

However, last week there was a breakthrough in his noticing the changes in his mother. We don't have natural gas piped in here and have to use gas bottles with the stove. The bottle had run out and my husband and I changed it together. The previous time he and I changed it together. He came to me after and said, "My mother is insisting she is the one who changed the gas bottle last time." He knew this was not the case. I said to him, "Did you notice at lunch time when she asked what a certain dish was and we told her it was made from eggplant and then two minutes later she asked again what it was?" He just said, "God help her."

[Not Applicable]

I know that there is more going on under the surface leading up to bomb drop, but there is also a point -- especially for those with extreme MLCers -- where they seem to "snap" and lose their empathy and even core personality. It seems like once this happens there is no turning back.

Has anyone noticed a stage between anger and replay where they actually draw close and become quite lucid with you? My husband's BD preceded replay but there was a period after BD and before replay where we drew closer than we ever had before and understood eachother better than we had before and then as soon as OW was in the picture that's when things really snapped and he lost his empathy and core personality. I noticed someone else, I forget who, described something similar here the other day.

[BrenM]

I know that there is more going on under the surface leading up to bomb drop, but there is also a point -- especially for those with extreme MLCers -- where they seem to "snap" and lose their empathy and even core personality. It seems like once this happens there is no turning back

Definitely a huge SNAP (along with a crackle and POP)!   In all the years I have known my husband, I have never witnessed him being so aggressive and abusive towards anyone!  To see him screaming obscenities in his sons face at very close range, to see him push his kids and me in violent ways, to witness him verbally abuse his "princess" daughter....the ANGER is just poisonous for us all....it just doesn't make sense at all!

[Loyal]

My theory is that extreme CB`s have the strong need to spew out venom to their LBSers and in a lot of cases their children, whom they had always idolised pre to their MLC. IMHO they do it in order to "feel alive" rather than a "deep emptiness".

From all the information I`ve read and looked at in the past few years (thousands of articles, threads, various MLC Forums, YouTube, etc., etc.) and my own experiences with P,  it appears as though they spew the most venom at times when things haven`t been going so well in their new lives.

So to say, the NOVELTY has worn off in regards to OW/OM and/or anything else for that matter, whether it be the NEW sports car, motorcycle, hobbys, partying, friends, etc., etc., that enabled the MLCer to "feel something" and unfortunately the ones closest to the MLCer, which happen to be the LBSers and the children are those who are on the receiving side.