[Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?]

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes

65 (70.7%)

No

17 (18.5%)

Don't Know

10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

[BrenM]

About the poll results, I wonder how many of those who answered "No" actually don't really know. Could it be that some MLCers have hidden the abuse from their spouses? I mean it would be harder to hide abuse by parents, but say the abuse was by a family friend or clergy, would the LBS actually know for sure?

Great point!  The poll results have got me seriously thinking.  I pray that my kids don't suffer a similiar MLC episode when they are older.  Surely it won't be a domino affect?

[nah]

   He was angry with me b/c in his words, "everyone says I'm stupid, I'm not stupid you know".  He kept repeating this same phrase again and again to me at one of our divorce hearings.  He calmed down when I finally said that I had no idea who called him stupid and I never said anything to anybody about him being stupid.

Nah, for some unknown reason my husband has made reference to me during contact (which is almost non existent) that he is not stupid.  He has repeated this several times.   I always reply to him that I have never called him stupid and would never say that because he is not.......unsure if this is something that his father constantly said to him when he was growing up and in his confused state blames me?  Everything seems to be my fault in his eyes ATM 😢

I am one of the lucky few who had the opportunity to get a glimpse into what was really happening in MLC land after the fact.  More details are in some of my old threads but after about two years of me breaking HS rules and stalking my husbands band page with a broken heart as my former friends welcomed the girl and husband with open arms I was told the truth.

In pictures everything looked like they were having the times of their lives but I was told after husband was kicked out of the band that ALL the wives either turned their backs or right out ripped them apart to their faces.  Most normal people aren't happy when a long term marriage gets broken apart by an obvious home wrecker. 

Also, his former coworkers (he has been fired) and former hockey friends (she won't let him play) all friends for over 20 years have confirmed that yes they were calling him stupid for leaving me.  I didn't know this at the time.  Of course, in true MLC fashion they can't look at themselves and their actions so they blame the LBS for manipulating these people.  I wouldn't be surprised if there were others that gave him/them a hard time that I don't even know about.

[nah]

I also think that there isn't money to be made on this issue which is why it fails to be addressed at the medical and professional levels. 

What do you mean there isn't any money to be made on this? Do you know how much money I've paid to divorce lawyers? That's why nothing is done about it.

Yes, and as we all know.... most marriage counselors are really divorce counselors.

[BrenM]

In pictures everything looked like they were having the times of their lives but I was told after husband was kicked out of the band that ALL the wives either turned their backs or right out ripped them apart to their faces.  Most normal people aren't happy when a long term marriage gets broken apart by an obvious home wrecker. 

This part gets me so confused.....why do they paint a story to everyone that they are happy?  More lies?  I was told that my ex-h spent 4 hours in the gym on Christmas Day, who in a new HAPPY relationship does that?  How can the OW think that this is normal?  I would be offended personally if i was her.  Our Christmas's have always been spent with lots of Family, enjoying time together.  When I was told this it confirmed my faith in the whole MLC process.

[Kintsugi]

I also think that there isn't money to be made on this issue which is why it fails to be addressed at the medical and professional levels. 

What do you mean there isn't any money to be made on this? Do you know how much money I've paid to divorce lawyers? That's why nothing is done about it.

I am sorry, MyBrainIsBroken.  I didn't think of lawyers when I posted that.  Yes, they make money off MLCs for sure. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

There's no need to apologize Belle. I knew what you meant. I also know the divorce industry makes a lot of money from MLC divorces. I don't believe the divorce industry is discouraging MLC research but I don't think the divorce lawyers are standing up and saying something isn't right here. They just continue dismantling marriages and raking in their fees.

[FaithWalker]

I voted yes.  While he never said anything to indicate any form of abuse in his childhood, I have been around his F enough to suspect emotional abuse.  I see it with the way that FIL talks to his wife sometimes as well.  Both FIL and MLC'er are very "authoritarian" and often broke myself and the children's spirits. 

I pray that my own kids can break the cycle.  I have prayed against generational curses. 

I think it is recognized in society, but with an absolutely skewed version/vision of what it really is.  I only wish that it was recognized medically.

[Roma]

I'm late yet wanted to add there are other factors in MLC other then abuse. There is abandonment, neglect and other things. Sometimes it's as small as the child didn't feel loved.
 
So while I agree with C4E and Rossbren, people really have got to realize that a MLC is healing childhood issues and has nothing to do with the MLCers present state in the least.

Sometimes it's just so private, whatever it was in the MLCers childhood, the LBS just may have no clue.

It really is a shame the MLCer went their entire life avoiding the issues or they were dug so deep in their subconscious the MLCer just was never able to talk about it years ago yet unresolved childhood issues exactly what MLC/MLT  are from.

It's also a real shame for the innocent LBS that had no idea where this came from at all.

[Jackolar12]

Mid life crisis. That's not a real thing is it?

Well, it depends who you ask.

Over the last few days I have been finding myself quote on several posts for LBS's to not mention to people in the  REAL world about standing for our partners during their Mid Life Crisis....in fear that firstly that they would think that you are absolutely CRAZY and secondly they have no idea what you are on about....isn't MLC about buying a sports car?   

Over the last 2 years I have read  thousands of articles about MLC.  Ironically, I have found out that I am not alone in my train wreck life, but there are thousands of people, from all parts of the world, that have/are experiencing similar or identical issues with their long term partners.   There are forums everywhere, other people telling MY story,  yet I do not know them.

I have spoken to my Doctor about my husbands MLC, and he shot me down and bluntly said that MLC does not exist and is a falicy.  'People use it as an excuse to justify bad behaviour".  Hmmmmm.....this could possibility be true.

One thing I know is that we are not crazy.  All of our spouses are playing out their scripts so well, academy award nominees! 

It has got me confused as to why MLC is not recognised?  Surely some very well educated medical guru would have done a thesis on MLC?  There are far too many occurrences for it not to be recognised.  MLC has been going on for years. If not centuries?

Does anyone have any thoughts/theories?

Ps - I know we should be focusing on ourselves.  But sometimes in life you need to ask why?

Take care fellow LBS's, sending you all lots of long hard hugs (that only a LBS would understand the importance of) 😘😘😘

Hi Rossbren, try reading the Midus survey by Brim et al. (2004) it is the only empirical evidence for midlife crisi I know of, 26% of those who participated said they had a midlife crisis.
Kind regards
Jackolar12

[BrenM]

Jackolar12 thankyou for your reply.  You have me entrigued..... I have tried googling Midus survey by Brim et al. (2004) to no avail.  I can see an abstract on the research but nothing else.  Can you please suggest where I can get access to this?