[Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?]

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes

65 (70.7%)

No

17 (18.5%)

Don't Know

10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

[Whyus]

My Ws mother is German, father Sicilian. W is the eldest of 4 children. All one year apart.
FIL also had another son from OW who unfortunately died a few years back. He was born within the 4 years where the others were born.
When the kids were young they moved to Sicili. FIL was mostly away driving a truck around europe. MIL had several afairs in Italy. After 4-5 years back to Germany. Never had much money. W being the eldest had to basically do the housework and play "mother" for her brothers and sisters.
MIL has left FIL 3 times but always came back. They are now happily married.
W has often said that she wont end up like her Mother! Need I say anymore 
I guess im pretty much firetrucked 

[BrenM]

Oh bugger....another case of genetic repetitive MLC......😧

[UrsaMajor]

About the poll results, I wonder how many of those who answered "No" actually don't really know. Could it be that some MLCers have hidden the abuse from their spouses? I mean it would be harder to hide abuse by parents, but say the abuse was by a family friend or clergy, would the LBS actually know for sure?

I agree. That is why I modified the Poll (Sorry Rossbren) to add the option of "Don't Know" 

[BrenM]

About the poll results, I wonder how many of those who answered "No" actually don't really know. Could it be that some MLCers have hidden the abuse from their spouses? I mean it would be harder to hide abuse by parents, but say the abuse was by a family friend or clergy, would the LBS actually know for sure?

I agree. That is why I modified the Poll (Sorry Rossbren) to add the option of "Don't Know" 

Don't be sorry UM at all - I think many would like to see the final results.  Surprisingly I don't think many of us will be surprised as we all ready know.  Thanks for your input UM - feel free to amend it accordingly 🤙.  It would be great to get as many replies as possible from all HS members 😁

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Rossbren,

In answer to the original question in the subject line - I personally think that it is because MLC is still viewed in society at large as the fat old bald guy with gold necklaces and an open shirt driving the red sports car convertible with the 20-something blond with big ... uhhhmmmm... shall we just say "overendowed" and long legs... It has been stigmatized like that for SO long that this is what the immediate mental picture is when someone says "Mid-Life Crisis." No one takes it seriously....

Any OTHER set of symptoms (like the ones that we all witness) are attributed to other things - Bipolar, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Manic-Depression, Borderline, Co-dependence, whatever...

I believe my W MLC is to do with her child hood and how her mother neigleted
Her from the age of 4 when she remarried. Her sister went to live with the father and W would spend her time at school
Or in her bedroom. W has become just like her mother with how she treats our sons with lies and no interest in them unless OM is not around. Her 2 MC session suggested she see someone to discuss her child hood issues resulted in her running back to OM and back into reply.

Same here... My Mid-Lifer is trying to reenact her parents D where FIL(RIP) went off into MLC-Land.... W was left to fend for herself and care for her siblings for a while. BIL went after a time to live with FIL (RIP) because MIL could not deal with him (much like S is being pushed in my direction) while MIL glommed on to SIL (much as my Mid-Lifer is glomming onto our D6..... the pattern repeats itself with a few "minor" exceptions... I'm not moving a continent away like FIL did (a bit odd since HE was the MLC one and my W is following in HIS footsteps). I refuse to let my mid-ifer have 100% of D6 and, since I live 8 km away, she can not demand that.... I'm not the one stirring up unneeded court proceedings (like FIL(RIP) did).... Basically, I am probably prolonging the whole situation because I am NOT behaving like I am supposed to - like her parents...

FWIW - FIL was a Refugee baby in WWII - His mom took him and fled the backlash persecution of the Displaced Germans in Poland immediately after the war and he must have seen some pretty evil stuff =- stuff that he was simply never able to process... His brother was too small to travel and stayed with FIL's father (who was a serial flianderer with multiple affairs) until after the war when he was released from captivity and they returned to the area around Cologne.

[BrenM]

Your story about your FIL is so sad Um.  No one would ever get over that.  It would definitely mess up your head irrespective how you try to cope.  I just find it very intriguing that MLC seems to repeat itself to the children of the MLCer...a domino effect.__.   I have told my kids that I will be watching them closely and that under no circumstances will they be allowed to do what their dad has done lol

[UrsaMajor]

Your story about your FIL is so sad Um.  No one would ever get over that.  It would definitely mess up your head irrespective how you try to cope.  I just find it very intriguing that MLC seems to repeat itself to the children of the MLCer...a domino effect.__.   I have told my kids that I will be watching them closely and that under no circumstances will they be allowed to do what their dad has done lol

Yep, agreed... What I find interesting is that 1) our MC (later my IC) told me that she was sorry that this happened but that she was not surprised as W had "built a wall around her that was nearly impossible to crack." 2) FIL(RIP) was a high-energy type of the n^th degree with a monster streak a mile wide whereas my Mid-Lifer (his D) is a low-energy type (after the initial outburst/outbreak) with very little (read subtle & covert) monster ... Where he woudl drag people into court for frivolous stuff, my W confines herself thus far to the occasional snarky comment... More of a provocation than a real monster attempt...

If either of my kids pull this kind of nonsense, we are both going to have to go to the hospital... Me to get me foot out of my shoe and the offender to get my shoe out of their a$$!...

[gman242]

I think the reason that it's not recognized is because there's not one set cause nor manifestation of symptoms; like how recently they've declassified a bunch of personality disorders into spectrums or clusters, since no one falls firmly into one thing and there's a variety of causes, even though a large majority of them are rooted in insufficient or abusive upbringings.

To me, it's one of two things.. either this person is a jerk, isn't in love with you, just put up with you or whatever and wants out. Or, this person is genuinely having a break down, an identity crisis, or some other form of lapse that most likely stems from them having serious issues they put off dealing with, typically by over focusing on a spouse, career family or some combination of.

If the case is the latter and the person is seeking help and wants to fix things, why shouldn't we let them try? I think in society we're too easy to dismiss those that have stumbled. Too quick to shun those who have cracked under some pressure and make them outcasts and blow them off because that person has "problems". We have a mental health crisis in the US, without a doubt, because we walk past people in need and say "it's none of my business" or "they have issues". Yeah, they do. Don't they deserve understanding, help, patience and kindness as human beings who are suffering?

Off my soap box and I'm not saying it's ok to be a doormat either.. but we do have serious, serious issues with being aware of and discussing mental health issues as s society.

[LEC16]

I have thought about this a lot and I believe it is because of the affair.

I think the affair is unfortunately a symptom that masks the condition. For this reason -- and to "raise awareness" -- I think it is important for LBS to describe the situation to others in a way that fully reflects the scope of the situation, including physical, personality, and spending changes.

I actually feel people on this forum should not describe this to others as a "midlife crisis." I have talked to several doctors, neurologist, former psychiatric nurse, drug rehab specialist, chiropractor and was told by each one that this is biophysical illness or drug reaction.

Another major hurdle is that therapists are not medical professionals. This means that oftentimes the first expert we turn to after bomb drop is unlikely to suggest this is a medical problem. Moreover, it is difficult to get help (or even a consultation) from a neurologist or psychiatrist when you are not the person who requires a consultation.

Anyhow, great topic to discuss!

Drug reaction really hit home for me about a month ago. W is a doctor and has access to free samples. I found injection pain medication sample containers in her car and she said that they fell out of her lab coat. I later found the same medication in her work bag but thought perhaps it was because she was working off site.  Finally I found a vanilla envelope hidden under towels under her sink cabinet in the bathroom. This made me realize that there was a problem. My first thought was she was injecting her mom who is a listed med seeker. Later I realized it was probably for her. I also found some hidden in our closet. The secretive nature and frequency of my findings opened my eyes. I also found out her male doctor friend was a big advocate of this type of pain medication.

The kicker is that one of the rare side effects is
Personality change. W has weird intolerance to medication and seems to always get the rare side effect. She got narapothy and bad IBS which were both rare side effects of different drugs. I will be honest, I am skeptical about over medicating mostly based on experiences and stories my W shared. I'm not saying this was the reason for mlc, but I find it interesting. 

[Thunder]

I agree with gman.

I also don't think it's the lawyers, I think it's more the big pharmaceutical companies.  They would make no money because there is no drug to help MLCer's.  So no interest there.