[Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?]

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes

65 (70.7%)

No

17 (18.5%)

Don't Know

10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

[LEC16]

Wow on the results of the Child Abuse question above.

In reference to some people not knowing how to answer Yes, No, or I don't know to the child abuse question:

It took me several minutes to decide how to answer because I believe that the emotional abuse that my H suffered during childhood was actually a result of the actions of H's older brother, who had serious anger issues as a teenager. Although H's father has always been a bit of a cold fish, and left his family for an OW with children the same age as H and his brother. (no one has ever referred to FIL as having had an MLC....but sure sounds like it was one to me).

To clarify for others, I assume childhood abuse does not necessarily have to be from a parent or guardian only?

I answered "No", but I should have put don't know as my FIL was fired from his teaching job due to inappropriate contact with a middle school girl. I also found out that there was sexual abuse in FIL family.  W aunt was abused sexually. W said she had childhood issues to deal with but never discussed what they were. W councilor said she needs advanced treatment and out MC asked if she was sexually abused. I think IDK would have been a better answer.

[Roma]

I posted yes because I didn't think that Rossbren knew yet that there were many other possible factors w/ MLC. Is there a way to change my answer?

Thanks UM for the adjustment to the poll.

[Not Applicable]

I'd say having your father arrested for abusing a teenage girl would probably be as psychologically damaging as having it happen to yourself. The death of a parent could also probably have the same effect as abuse.

I once had a colleague who told me about the hell of her teenage years that she went through because her father was falsely accused of some sort of corruption. He was raked over the coals on the front page of the New York Post every day. All of NYC thought he was guilty. That's how bad it was. She had to go to school with everyone thinking her father was a crook. And it affected her father as well. When he was finally exonerated, he changed careers and went to law school to become a lawyer, to defend the falsely accused.

[BrenM]

I posted yes because I didn't think that Rossbren knew yet that there were many other possible factors w/ MLC. Is there a way to change my answer?

Thanks UM for the adjustment to the poll.

Thanks Elegance, you are definitely correct.  There are so many factors to consider.  This was just a simple poll to get a  rough indication from the members of this forum who read my posting.  It would be great if the moderators of this site could somehow do another poll from all members on this forum as they log in - not just the people visiting my posting etc. 

[BrenM]

I posted yes because I didn't think that Rossbren knew yet that there were many other possible factors w/ MLC. Is there a way to change my answer?

Thanks UM for the adjustment to the poll.

Elegance -I am unsure if I can do this...maybe a moderator could assist?

[LEC16]

I'd say having your father arrested for abusing a teenage girl would probably be as psychologically damaging as having it happen to yourself. The death of a parent could also probably have the same effect as abuse.

I once had a colleague who told me about the hell of her teenage years that she went through because her father was falsely accused of some sort of corruption. He was raked over the coals on the front page of the New York Post every day. All of NYC thought he was guilty. That's how bad it was. She had to go to school with everyone thinking her father was a crook. And it affected her father as well. When he was finally exonerated, he changed careers and went to law school to become a lawyer, to defend the falsely accused.

It seems her father was dismissed but charges were never brought against him. I heard that the girls family didn't want her to go through the process. This was in the mid 80's. I did confirm the story, but IDK if my W even knows as she never discussed it with me. I just wonder if based on his dismissal for inappropriate behavior, the history of sexual abuse in FIL family, and W not having childhood memories, if abuse wasn't a possibility.  The connection to her mom's behavior is more obvious though, and W started using medication in April of last year.

The crazy thing is I can see medication, abuse, situational stress/anxiety, family history, spiritual/supernatural, and depression all as being potential factors. All that means is she has been through enough to have a good reason for going crazy.

[Jackolar12]

Jackolar12 thankyou for your reply.  You have me entrigued..... I have tried googling Midus survey by Brim et al. (2004) to no avail.  I can see an abstract on the research but nothing else.  Can you please suggest where I can get access to this?

hi Rossbren it is an American national survey from 2004, try a google scholar search. If you can't find it I will try to locate it for you and email it to you. Try looking at the dark triad of character traits of machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy as well and see if any of them apply to your Mlcer. I have an online survey monkey study on the dark triad and links to low empathy and cheating running at the moment for my dissertation and I believe that people in MLC show these traits. I was going to do one on MLC but there was not enough empiricle evidence other than brim et al and Jim Conway to make it worth doing.
Kind regards
Jackolar 12

[Standingstrong1]

I have thought about this a lot and I believe it is because of the affair.

I think the affair is unfortunately a symptom that masks the condition. For this reason -- and to "raise awareness" -- I think it is important for LBS to describe the situation to others in a way that fully reflects the scope of the situation, including physical, personality, and spending changes.

I actually feel people on this forum should not describe this to others as a "midlife crisis." I have talked to several doctors, neurologist, former psychiatric nurse, drug rehab specialist, chiropractor and was told by each one that this is biophysical illness or drug reaction.

Another major hurdle is that therapists are not medical professionals. This means that oftentimes the first expert we turn to after bomb drop is unlikely to suggest this is a medical problem. Moreover, it is difficult to get help (or even a consultation) from a neurologist or psychiatrist when you are not the person who requires a consultation.

Anyhow, great topic to discuss!

I find this a very interesting thread.  I just wanted to share my understanding and experience of my H's situation.  H's MLC is very complex,  a mixture of nature and nurture, physical and mental changes over the years that ended up in the perfect storm.  The affair is definitely the most visible and painful symptom which overshadows the depth of the issues and makes getting support for LBSer's standing difficult.

I saw my doctor first, who recognized the possibility of his depression and/or ADD.  He surprisingly got treatment, but I think the psychiatrist overmedicated him as he became more manic after he began taking the meds.  That is a danger of antidepressants, according to my therapist.  That was when his MLC really was exacerbated.

In the beginning, I read authors who seemed to have an in depth understanding of MLC.  It helped me a great deal.  Therapists do not believe it is a real thing because it's not in the DSM.  But the behaviors are so much alike why isn't it?   Maybe because it is so complex and can be labeled as depression or anxiety or as a personality disorder or even sadly, as a bad marriage?

The last time he moved out, I described his situation differently and got a different response from loved ones, more support and less judgment.  Before, everyone just accepted it as the status quo, "people change, welcome to the divorce club," they'd say, "it happens, move on, you deserve better, etc."  But this time, I said he was suffering from depression and what a terrible disease it is.  "He is getting treatment," I'd say. "Please pray for him," I would ask.

Anyway, I think he was abused as a child.  Father probably cheated on mother in his 40's.  Lot's of anger in that family.  Huge family history of depression.  He learned poor coping skills and chose one of the most stressful jobs in the world with the absolute worst commute, began drinking heavily and partying, and just lost his mind.  I also believe the concussions he suffered as a teenager playing football likely did some damage which showed up in the latent personality changes such lack of empathy and impulsiveness.  He was always a bit impulsive, but pretty steady in most ways for daily living.

Anyway, as I said it's complex.  It was the perfect storm. I also believe there is a  spiritual component at play, a spiritual void.  Throw in some evil temptations with this vulnerable soul, and what have you got?  MLC!

[LEC16]

Lots of good stuff here. I think the fact that so many of the prognosis have similar symptoms is the most difficult part about labeling the mlc. The lack of empathy, mood swings, racing throughts, dark soul less eyes, and personality changes can all be from a disorder or a side effect of medication. Many mlc'ers uses meds or drugs. The rejection of faith is likely to eliminate guilt, but when you factor in the other symptoms it seems like a spiritual sickness or even possible possession. The sudden onset could be caused by repressed memories or feelings being stirred up by stress and anxiety, but why do they reject us and cheat to heal. Regression is also bizarre. I think depression is the only thing we know for sure is a factor, but what drives it, stress or repressed memories?  I guess it definitely seems like an emotional maturation process, but why do they need to destroy their lives to make that happen?  I see so many different elements. I think depression and stress are the driving force but there is so much going on with mlc'ers.

[nah]

but why do they reject us and cheat to heal.
but why do they need to destroy their lives to make that happen? 

I have a very stereotypical MLCer.  He has checked every single box.

I feel like he rejected me and destroyed our lives b/c it was the last thing on the list.

He tried everything else and I was the last one standing.

He tried changing his looks - - tattoos, dying hair, Ed hardy T-shirts (he's an old fat guy, btw, so it was far from flattering)
He changed his job -- 25+ years with the same company was suddenly filled with issues.
Popping vitality pills to hang on to his vitality -- handfuls of "megamen" and pills off of the internet everyday.
New hobbies - - guns, gym, rejoined his band from the '80s

None of these things worked, I supported every decision he made, didn't matter.... something was wrong with HIM.  If he wasn't happy, and he tried everything, what was left that he could change "to be happy"?

Me.

I was the only thing left that he hadn't tried to change so it must be me.