[megogirl]

When Harvey Weinstein's victim said "his eyes were black", that struck a chord.  Hey, my MLC'er's eyes also turned black! 

It would seem that rage is the common denominator between the two.  The fact that Harvey Weinstein worked in Hollywood is happenstance.

He could be a janitor with black-eyes.

     

[OffRoad]

It does seem that there is a correlation between emotions and pupil dilation. This would explain the blackness. But  the distant look is almost disassociative, as if they have stepped outside their own normal, disconnected from certain emotions, maybe. If that is what a person has seen in their MLCer , then likening an MLCER(who appears to have a distorted perception of what is acceptable behavior) to a serial killer (who obviously has distorted perceptions of what is acceptable behavior) is not that far a stretch. We've seen reports of mid life people killing their families. 

It's fair to theorize that MLC could be a mild form of mental illness, or a lessening of inhibitions that might keep personality disorders under check. So it would be fair to liken an MLCER who had mild PD traits that they usually kept in check but jumped to the forefront at MLC to someone who had always been that way.  It might be a temporary comparison, but fair depending on how crazy the MLC behavior.

Someone asking "is this possible that these things might be connected?" does not paint everyone with the same brush. It's a theory to be explored should anyone want to do it. It's a valid theory until proven, with facts, otherwise.

[Thunder]

OffRoad, I sure don't know.

They sure can act mentally ill sometimes, can't they?  Plus there are a rare few who never come out of it.

I was very close to a couple years back, happily married for years.  The H went crazy and started acting like a nutty teenager, W divorced him, he was in his 40's.

I saw him at a wedding awhile ago and he was still partying, drinking, had 2 young girls on his arm...and he is now 70 years old.   

[Anjae]

It's called a vow.  For better or worse, and that was just the "worse."

It is called being in an abusive relatioship. Mask it with "it is called vows" is turning a blind eye to reality.

There is a difference between a rough past in a relationship/marriage and abuse. Your husband was abusive pre-MLC.

Therefore, why are you standing (if you are)? He is not going to magically stop being who he was before MLC.

Maybe his MLC is an opprtunity for you to think things through. We don't support abuse of any kind, and we certainly do not support standing for a pre-MLC abusive spouse.

I am not saying we will not support you, we will, I am saying that, despite HS being geared at those that do not want a divorce from their MLCer (but often find themselves divorced or have to divorce for protection), HS does not support abusive relationships.
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Megogirl, I think you have a lot of thinking and self-work to do. And that is far more important than your marriage.

He could be a janitor with black-eyes.

You know that there are people who naturally have black, or very dark brown eyes, don't you? That does not make them Harvey Weinstein. Or an abuser or a psychopath. Most Portuguese people have very dark eyes, we aren't Harvey Weinstein.

Anyway, what is Harvey Weinstein's eye colour?

Sorry, OR, but I don't agree one bit. Linking a MLCer to someone like Harvey Weinstein or a psycopath does not make sense. MLCers go back to normal once the crisis is over, this people will always be the way they are.

Rage is not the main thing for MLC, depression is. Rage/anger is there but as consequence of depression.

That is not what megogirl did. She picked what someone said about Harvey Weinstein and decided it is how MLCers eyes look. It isn't. Besides, we don't know more than "his eyes were black". Was he in the dark? Was he really angry/in rage? We don't know. Being a predador and being in rage are different things.

I doubt most MLCer had mild PD traits before MLC. PD are very obvious, even if mild.

Being a midlife person and being in MLC are two different people. There are also young people who kill their familes and old people who kill their families. And the US have no shortage of very young mass murderers, some of them with very light eyes.

Lets not start to make eye colour an indication of PD or of being a murdered. Some murderers, including serial killers, had beautiful, light, innocent looking eyes.

Mr J is a totally crazy behaviour MLCer, it would never cross my mind to link/compare him to Harvey Weinstein. And, like I said, Mr J's eyes never turned black when he was in a rage, including when he was being physically abusive. He has greenish car shinning eyes and they remained the same colour without the shinning.

Comparing MLC, that, for most, is temporary, with people who have always been a certain horrible way, is like comparing oranges to apples.

[megogirl]

Therefore, why are you standing (if you are)? He is not going to magically stop being who he was before MLC.

No, he won't...but that's where I see his MLC as a (potentially) good thing.

If the crisis changes them, I believe it will change him for the better! 

Because his noggin is weeding out all his crap from yesteryear, the end result will be that's he's finally CLEAN....so, no more raging!

That's just what I believe. and to answer your question I am Standing for S15.  If he did not exist, I might not be.

[Anjae]

Doubt a MLC changes an abuser into non-abuser. Even for MLCer that were not abusive before MLC, MLC does not always change them for the better. Often they are just who they were, but different. That is all.

An MLCer always changing for the better after MLC is a myth. And a narcisist is not going to stop being a narcisist because, unlike MLC, Narcisist PD is permanent. At least until someone finds a way of solve/cure it.

Because his noggin is weeding out all his crap from yesteryear, the end result will be that's he's finally CLEAN....so, no more raging!

That would most likely be the case if he only had started the abusive behaviour in MLC. But the behaviour was already there. You do need to think things through, megogirl. You were (are) married to an abuser. You have an husband with far bigger problems than MLC.

and to answer your question I am Standing for S15.  If he did not exist, I might not be.

Sorry, but this does not make sense. S15 is not the marriage. And what good is for S15 to have mum back with abusive dad? I have the same question for you I have for everyone who had children with abusiver partners, why did you had a child with such man?

Exactly what example do you thing you are giving to your son by had remained married to an abusive man, let alone stand for such man because of him?

[megogirl]

She picked what someone said about Harvey Weinstein and decided it is how MLCers eyes look. It isn't.

I can only speak from my own experience....and MY MLC'ers eyes turned jet-black!

My only frame of reference is IN MLC.  Do his eyes turn black otherwise??  Nothing I've ever seen.

[megogirl]

S15 is not the marriage. And what good is for S15 to have mum back with abusive dad

Because he is a GREAT KID.  The last thing he needs is to have his family destroyed.  So as H loses his mind, I am trying to keep the peace.

As far as being abusive - you are probably right.  But no one is perfect, forgiveness is possible, and people *do* change. 

I believe his MLC will act as that catalyst.

[xyzcf]

megogirl

As far as being abusive - you are probably right.  But no one is perfect, forgiveness is possible, and people *do* change.

There is a difference between no one being perfect and domestic violence...a huge difference. If your husband has abused you prior to his MLC, then staying with him for the sake of your son is not a healthy thing to do. Indeed, it may very well be very dangerous if his violence escalated to the point of serious injury or even death....indeed even death to you and your son.

As many others have stated, I urge you to get some help from an organization that deals with domestic violence. Perhaps they can explain to you the term "Cycle of violence" and they certainly will have the resources to help you...if you want help...you have to be ready to really face the reality of your married life...and how the violence may have escalated over the years....leading you to believe that it wasn't that bad as you accept each escalation because you have been already desensitized.

"live as though he is never coming back" are some of the truest words that I have learned in the last 9 years.....you stated:

I believe his MLC will act as that catalyst.

I don't believe this to be true. If he has been abusive to you for years, this crisis is not going to change that in him.

I don't want to upset you or have you think that you are not supported here...but a thought I have when reading your story is that you may be clinging to the label "MLC" hoping that this is what has happened to your spouse..aha, the lights go off and you can finally explain his behavior by attaching a label...MLC.....I am not saying he isn't in a crisis but I know that the label helps me to "accept" the way I have been treated without having to "accept" the man he has become.

Our marriage prior to the suddeness of his announcing that he needed space was a wonderful and loving marriage...he never even raised his voice at me, he was kind, thoughtful, caring, hard working and he never ever belittled me or put me down.

Your comments:

Yes I've always known certain things have been "off."  For example, making me defriend certain people on FB, and screaming at me until that happened.  That was a red flag that something wasn't right.

I wouldn't say I "accepted" it....any more than I accept all of the crap he's doing now. 

It's called a vow.  For better or worse, and that was just the "worse."

I know he isn't superior to me, but he believes he is

suggest that this has been a long time pattern for you...maybe now is the "gift of time" as OP is so find of saying, for you to really consider for real, how your marriage has been all these years.

I do understand "standing"  and the meaning of that sacred vow.....I am really sorry that you have been treated so badly by him, not just recently, but it sounds like throughout many years of your marriage.

[Anjae]

I can only speak from my own experience....and MY MLC'ers eyes turned jet-black!

Then you shoud not have though it happens to MLCers. Because it does not. What most of us, if not nearly all, see is dead, listless, eyes, not black eyes.


Son being a great kid is not a reason for you to take an abusive husband back. Your case is different than most of ours, you already had an abuser. Son's family is already destroyed. In fact, since your husband was an abuser, it already was. Keep the peace?

If you want to keep the peace, you need to make sure your abusive husband does not return.

As far as being abusive - you are probably right.  But no one is perfect, forgiveness is possible, and people *do* change. 

Forgiveness as nothing to do with remaining in an abusive relationship, let alone taking back an abuser. No one is perfect, but not being perfect and being an abuser is different. People do change, but abusers seldom do.

Why do you make excuses for your pre-MLC abusive husband? You are behaving like abused women often do, thinking the abuser will change.

I believe his MLC will act as that catalyst.

Doubt. Are you paying attention to what I write? I've wrote it before, if someone was an abuser before MLC, that is not likely to change with MLC.

You didn't answer why you had a child with an abusive man. Were you thinking the child may change him as well?

megogirl, try to understand that your husband is an abuser and nothing serves as an excuse for his abusive husband.

I think you need to stop thinking your husband is like most of our husbands, who were not abusive pre-MLC. It is unfortunate he is the way he is, but you remained married to him, who knows why.

Like Xyzcf said, he may be having a MLC, abuser, addicts, people with pre-existing mental illness have MLC, but MLC will not change those issues, maybe aside from addicts that may reach rock bottom while in MLC.