[bluerose]

     Gate crash away my friend! The floor is yours.

[BrenM]

An interesting read to share.....

APRIL 23, 2015
Here Is What Happens When You Run Away From All Of Your Problems
Heidi Priebe

When you run away from your problems, it works. Initially.
There is a certain rush that comes from running – it’s the liberating realization that not all problems necessitate solutions. That not all queries require clarification. That not all of the puzzles we face up to with intensity and passion need be solved, settled and packed neatly away on a shelf – labeled “Fixed this” or “Figured out that.” We do not possess the patience or perspective that is needed to arrive at our solutions, so we instead take the easy way out. We run away. And it all seems as simple as that.

“You become afraid to love anything fully, live anywhere completely, invest yourself entirely in any new person or venture, for the underlying fear that eventually you are going to leave.”

When you run away from your problems, you feel empowered. You are taking your life back by ignoring all the parts of it that do not particularly please you. Mess something up at your job? Not a problem. Fail at a meaningful relationship? No worries. Your problems don’t exist here in this new physical place that you’ve arrived at. Out of sight, out of mind, and for a while you can get off on the absence. You have new things to focus on. You’re thriving.

Except when you run away from all of your problems, you eventually start tripping. First over little things – the cute guy who asks you out but never texts you back. The interview you go to that you inexplicably tank. The things you’re running from don’t explicitly appear in front of you but linger just beneath your mind’s surface – cooing taunts at your newest undertakings.
 
The problem with running away is that we’re trying to apply a definitive solution to an indefinite, ongoing problem. We’re attempting to tie up the loose threads of our lives before we’ve detangled any of them. We’re putting a bowtie on a monstrosity. We all want resolutions as simple as purchasing a plane ticket, updating our “Current City” on Facebook and moving on with our lives, but we forget that our emotional ties run deeper than that. We forget that we can never fly far enough away from ourselves to escape what it is that lies unresolved within us.

Because the thing is, our issues aren’t imbedded in the places we leave behind or the people we no longer see every day. Our unresolved emotional clutter seeps into every facet of our lives, stealthily enough to remain eternally undetected. It’s the hesitation deep in your gut that balks when new opportunity arises. It’s the sense of self-doubt that creeps in when you’re challenged. It’s the same old pain of trying to write a new chapter without finishing the old one – you do not have a frame of reference to carry on forward. You’re trying to grab at something new with full hands and yet you cannot figure out why you keep dropping it.

J.K. Rowling once stated that “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it,” And I find this to be largely untrue. Pain can be avoided almost entirely but the bleakness that accompanies avoiding it cannot. When you constantly run from the past, it wears away the present with a vengeance. You become afraid to love anything fully, live anywhere completely, invest yourself entirely in any new person or venture, for the underlying fear that eventually you are going to leave. That you aren’t going to stick around when the going gets tough. That you’ll be gone and with you will fade all of the sweet, unfinished memories, all of the plans, all of the careful devotions that you promised with uncertain lips. When you’re the person who runs away from everything, you don’t get to be fully present anywhere. You know you won’t be staying so you check out. You check out from everything that makes you the most alive.

When you run away from all of your problems, you eventually run from yourself. You forget the person you could be if you stayed in one place, worked through your downfalls, accepted your shortcomings and then overcame them. You forget that there’s a version of you who is reliable and passionate and strong. You lose the sense of pride you used to have from persevering.

Because when you run away from all of your problems, you run right into infinitely more. You create a world within yourself that must be tiptoed through and gets over-turned with ease. You are a land mine of unfinished wounds that bleed again at the slightest scratch. You find yourself having to constantly run further, harder, faster, to avoid what you are carrying within yourself. The further you run from your problems, the further you run from yourself. And the harder it becomes to eventually find your way back home.

[bluerose]

     I hope thats true.

[BrenM]

 Me too....i always say that the Vanisher can't keep running forever....maybe this is why a lot of Mlcers crash and burn?

[sparklestar]

There are some people in life that just keep messing up and moving on and as old men may look back and regret - I've seen it several times a dad of a friend etc that never really quite managed happiness after the mess up of a relationship or finally able to admit they messed up but it's retrospective from a long time in the future. I do think these things can sometimes take a c v long time and that's the worry. Like I said in my thread my IC has a client that left his wife 20 years ago and stayed with the ow and was unhappy everyday of those 20 years and bitterly regretted it. He had just spilt with the ow and was then mourning his first wife heartbroken that he left and wished he could return - 20 years later! And what kept him away? Admitting to himself and others he was wrong.......

So this is always my worry - 20 years down the line my H might be like 'yeah I messed up' but that he may try and find a better life and avoid this Until then just thinking 'oh well something will turn up, it will get better' and it takes time to realise that it doesn't......

[Loyal]

And what kept him away? Admitting to himself and others he was wrong.......

[/color]

This is something that I have been thinking about a lot as I have heard from numerous people including those that he hardly knows how badly he speaks about me. One example is that a neightbour, with whom I`m on very good terms but he hardly knows, told me about 2 weeks ago that about 1 1/2 years ago P started bickering to her about me and said that I don`t take proper care of me doggie and hardly ever take him out for his walks. She said she was perplex when he said that, as it was me who she always saw walking him and not P.

[BrenM]

Oh Loyal...don't they just love to blame shift on order to make them out to being the good guy.  It doesn't take much for people to recognize the truth...it is just very sad.  I often wonder if they know what they are doing or is this apart of the deep fog?

[nah]

I often wonder if they know what they are doing or is this apart of the deep fog?

They know what they are doing.

How many of your MLCers are alcoholics?  Probably all of them.

I was at a sushi bar the other day with my boyfriend.  It was early, we were the only ones at the bar (eating sushi).  A guy sat a few seats away and ordered a drink then loudly proclaimed that there was nothing wrong with having a drink as he was only having one.  He told the bartender, he told us, he repeated it several times, I guess to himself, "NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING ONE DRINK!!"

We looked at each other and said, "pffft... that guy's an alcoholic"  He just protested (when no one was asking) way too much.

Why did he protest so much?  Easy, he KNEW he was a alcoholic.  I wasn't yelling about how it was ok to eat sushi in the afternoon.  I wasn't worried about anybody judging me b/c I didn't have an issue with what I was doing.

If someone I knew saw me eating sushi, I wouldn't run out the back door.  I don't feel the need to hide what I'm doing, to lie about what I'm doing, to pretend to like it even if it makes me want to puke.  I don't care what others think b/c I'm living an authentic life. 

Why are our spouses hiding?  Why can't they look at us? 

It's not rocket science.  It has nothing to do with them being indifferent or not caring.... just the polar opposite.  They KNOW they are fire trucked up.  Some may try to push it down, like a heaping pile of vomit but they know it is there.  It bubbles up and they push it back down.

Just like there are different kinds MLCers, we all know different kinds of alcoholics, right?  Some are practicing full out fall down drunks, some are functional, some don't drink but are not sober (that was the Leaver), some are sober (my boyfriend).  Some want everyone to join the party, some are closet drinkers, and many fall somewhere in-between.

Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic, who wants that?  However, they do have a choice to drink or not to drink, the actual drinking is their choice.  They might fall off of the wagon sometimes, and might need some help to finally get truly sober but it can be done.  Unfortunately, some alcoholics keep running from the real issues.  They/we can blame the bartenders, the friends, their family (well, dad and granddad were alcoholics) or even the alcohol itself....OR they can get their heads out of the toilet, look into the mirror and CHOOSE to do something about it. 

I see no difference between the OP and the bottle, between MLC and alcoholism. 

Do they know?  Yes they know.  The question is, are they strong enough to do something about it.

[beyondblessed]

Thank you, Nah, for posting those insights.  It was a tough read because it's the hard, honest truths all of us desperately want to be untrue.  We want with every fiber of our beings for our runaway spouse to finally wake up.  The problem is that they are and always have been awake.  They are not simply passengers on a plane that someone else is flying.  Tough to hear??  You bet.  They claimed and vowed to love you, but walked away like those words were never spoken....and hey between the projection and gaslighting that seems pretty damn likely that they sure didn't take those vows seriously at all.  Yes sir, that is one huge, bitter horse pill we would rather choke on ourselves than have to swallow.

The fact is they don't have any sort of grasp as to whats going on internally to stand up and face it.  So run they do.  And it will work, on some level, good or bad, until they finally decide to make it stop.  Sadly, most never get to this place, and if they do, it's too late to recapture what they've lost.  It's a sad, sick place to be, but it's their choice, no matter how unfathomable to us, to stay there.  So as a LBS, you do what you can to gather those broken pieces you've been left with and you create the best self and life you can.  One life has already chosen the path to destruction, don't let it become two by default.

[Not Applicable]

How many of your MLCers are alcoholics?  Probably all of them.

I'm sorry, but you are seriously projecting your own experience here.

H doesn't drink, at all. I'm sure there are many MLCers who are teetotalers.

Unless you were speaking metaphorically....