[BrenM]

Vanishers are the supreme stalkers.  Heck, mine comes here and reads my threads.  He's a whacko, so let him.  It has been aile though since he's sent me a screenshots of any posts after I outed him on here.

So deep down they still maintain a interest in the life they ran away from?  Why?  If life was so fantastic in their new life, why worry about us?

[beyondblessed]

I can't speak for all of them, but I do think deep down, they really want to have their cake and eat it too.  The don't want to be responsible to us because I also believe they don't feel anything for us.  I know without a doubt that my xh does it simply because it helps him feel like he hasn't lost his control over me.  If he was ever honest with himself, he'd realize he never had control over me at any points of our marriage.  He wants to feel a part of my life....and part of him probably keeps hoping I crash and burn in my happiness without him.  Who knows?  All I know is that whether he's there or not, I don't care.  His attempts at intimidation, manipulation and control no longer faze me.

[BrenM]

I can't speak for all of them, but I do think deep down, they really want to have their cake and eat it too.  The don't want to be responsible to us because I also believe they don't feel anything for us. 

Beyondblue,  why do they stalk and maintain an interest in what we do if they don't feel anything for us?  Crazy Mlcer's!! 

[bluerose]

      Thats what i would like to know.

[Roma]

MLCers have NO feelings for anyone or anything. Not even for themselves! I know my H said to me he had vague memories of his love for me. If there is an OP, the 'feelings' they have for them are addiction and infatuation they mistake for love. I don't have a vanisher, just speaking on MLCers in general.

From what I've read, guilt and shame somehow overwhelm them, which is why they vanish in the first place. All MLCers love is hidden yet if they are still keeping tabs on the LBS, that should be proof for you.

[BrenM]

MLCers have NO feelings for anyone or anything. Not even for themselves! I know my H said to me he had vague memories of his love for me. If there is an OP, the 'feelings' they have for them are addiction and infatuation they mistake for love. I don't have a vanisher, just speaking on MLCers in general.

From what I've read, guilt and shame somehow overwhelm them, which is why they vanish in the first place. All MLCers love is hidden yet if they are still keeping tabs on the LBS, that should be proof for you.

Thank you Elegance ❤️❤️  This is exactly what my gut feeling is feeling me!  You have given me some confidence again.....

[Not Applicable]

Elegance is so right-And even though I understand it intellectually, it's hard to live with the lack of feelings, it's probably the hardest part of this all for me. I just happened to be sitting here crying about this very issue as I opened this thread. Thinking how we both have to suffer because of his suppressed feelings.

Here's some things that my husband told me.

At the time of BD, there was no OW in the picture at all. But H knew what he was going to do and he repeatedly told me he did not want to hurt or humiliate me. And I believe that, but with time he stopped saying that and eventually denied he was even hurting or humiliating me, as he went deeper in the tunnel. He only actually said that he didn't want to hurt me again about 8 months later, a few weeks ago. That was something I had not heard in ages.

Right before or after he met OW (about 9 months ago) I asked him if he had feelings for me, and he said, "I have feelings for you, but I can't show them to you." H did not get involved with OW for a love story at all. It was a practical matter, calculated and planned, to make a long story short. He loved me, so I interpreted it as if what he is doing was like numbing himself so he could actually compel himself to do something he didn't want to do. For him, this was about a "need" not a "want." So I think shutting off his feelings for me made it easier for him to swallow what he was doing, like putting bitter medicine in a gelatin capsule to make it palatable.

The last time he told me he loved OW was less than 2 months after he met her. Infatuation hormones I am sure. It has been about 9 months now, so that should tell you something. There were times in the months after that he told me he loved no one, not me, not OW.

Then in mid-January he told me he didn't miss me, but he also added after that he had feelings for no one. A few weeks later was our anniversary and I was sitting with him crying. He didn't get upset or angry or annoyed because I was crying, but he clearly had no empathy either. Like he was perplexed why I would cry. I said to him, "When your feelings come back, you will cry too." He said, "If my feelings come back, I will wish I was dead." I think that says it all, sadly. It's probably the guilt and shame of what he has done as Elegance says. If he feels he loves me again, he has to deal with how he hurt the one he loves.

Yes, he spends more time with OW but I see differences in his actions toward me vs. her that indicate to me that he cares about me and doesn't care about her. He doesn't feel it, but his unconscious mind shapes his behavior and it is clear from that that his heart lies with me.

I told him one night that if I could describe him with one word, it would be "robot." I push a button, the robot will do whatever practical thing I need from it. He's very responsible in that regard, but the robot feels nothing. He agreed with that description

He got caught up in infatuation with OW for a while, it's natural, it's biological, but for about a month now he has been withdrawing from her bit by bit, right after we had a big blowup where he realized he could lose me forever. Something got through to his feelings a tiny bit and he has been shifting. I found a viagra box in the trash last week, and no, we aren't having sex. He doesn't even feel enough for her to have sex with her at all. He even admitted he had no desire for either one of us in January.

There's another point too and that is their conscience. At one point I was trying to sway my husband with religious arguments and what I NEEDED from him. He would not budge, he kept repeating, "I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T." He didn't say, "I DON'T WANT to." It wasn't about desires. I really could tell in his voice that he really could not do it. Like he was locked in a cage and could not get out to reach me. That it wasn't about feelings, but something more powerful controlling his mind. I told him "OK, I had to ask, but I see really now you can't. I will be patient." What could I do besides that?

My husband is not a vanisher, but I can understand how some may vanish as a way of shutting off their feelings, or as my husband said, to not show them.

[sparklestar]

I am so glad you started this thread,

I too have a vanisher. BD after I found texts between H and OW. All v sudden, no conversation about any issues, just noticed H was withdrawn and distant and acting younger in the few months before hand and caught him doing cocaine which I learnt was something he had been doing a  fair bit of.

As soon as he had 'made the decision' he changed totally. cold, detached, business like. I saw him only twice in the weeks after BD (Aug) when he came to get stuff and I confronted him about OW, something he had lied and lied about. Unfortunately we had some complications because OW falsely accused her ex and me of stalking (never even met or contacted her once so how she was taken seriously is beyond me) so her actions led to a 3 month no contact anyway. I have only seen him one more time since then when I met him when bail was dropped - he instigated, was teary, wobbly but said he had 'made the right decision he just wanted money basically. Its like he has his new life and is living it. He has texted a couple of times always money / getting stuff related the tone has turned more hostile now.  I've nearly always only ever responded to him so he well and truly has his space. If it weren't for the odd connection or thing I see on social media (which he has stopped using pretty much having been an avid user) he may as well not exist.

Its crushing, confusing, I wonder everyday how can he not think of me, how can he switch off one life and start another. OW is a troll and evil how can he see anything in her - all the normal LBS ponderings.

I have wondered wither him being a vanisher means its more or less likely he will ever come out of the fog? so this thread is v v helpful because so much of the resources and threads here are for the clingers and boomerangs so I often sit and think well nine of this applies to me. I've even been jealous of the contact some LBSs have but I realise that's ridiculous and we are probably shielded from all the really bad monstering and craziness.

My IC has talked about the fact that my H is a complete conflict avoider. Those who cant deal with anything contentious will avoid and run. This is my H to a T. She has also talked about compartmentalisation and how men, esp avoiders will literally put us in a separate compartment and not think about us - we will creep in now and agin, the stress of what they have done will always be there deep down but it wont permeate their day to day thinking, only when something reminds them of us will it. Layer on top the fact you have the MLC fog and they are lost. They probably don't even see it as the crazy situation it is. Its just not normal to up and vanish.

I worry so much about whether my H as a vanisher will ever be brave enough or able to admit to himself his feelings. Weirdly he did a vanishing act when we first dated, we had been together 8 months and he disappeared for 5, he was more of a boomerang then, didn't want to be 'trapped' or 'in a relationship' (after he had made moves to get more serious by asking me to move in with him etc) but around all the time and then eventually out of the blue he just reappeared as if he'd done all the processing and was like 'I cant stop thinking about you, I love you, I want to be with you' - and then was completely ok, no wobbles nothing.  Until this.

And my Hs style is to be perpetually positive and optimistic about everything - nothing ever to be sad or angry about. He's rarely shown a negative emotion, cant cope with being angry, wont ever argue it literally sends him in to a wibbly mess and so everything is ok all of the time. and he can detach like you wouldn't believe. He's not deep at all. He was the last person in the world I would expect to be depressed and now I realise the fact he cant deal with any negative emotion means that it will be very difficult for him to process because he doesn't have the inner resources to be able to - hence he runs and a crisis ensues.

So there must be something in the Vanishers that they just simply have to run, that's a factor of MLC anyways the overwhelming urge to run and so if they are an avoider by nature then its a perfect storm. And my H is full on in teenager mode now, dating a younger OW, rapping on camera in his car, hanging out with younger people but this all happened just after he was made a Director at his company - the seniority and responsibility sent him spiralling in to being a teenager?  Go figure!

Anyways I am so, so glad there is a thread on Vanishers I for one would like to understand as much as possible about this type of MLCr...

[HopeFaithLove]

I believe my H is a semi vanisher. If I text him about something he will answer. I only contact him about something related to the kids. He occasionally will spend time with our adult children. More S than D, because D has specifically called him out on his ridiculous behavior. He basically acts like our kids are an after thought in his oh so important new life.  My H was a big conflict avoider just as many of you have mentioned. I worry about the possibility of reconnection with a vanisher too because there is no contact,  no paving the way, no way for him to see how I've grown since he doesn't talk to me.  He told me last fall in one of our rare conversations,  that he was going to go through with the divorce, now it's April and no divorce papers. I used his conflict procrastinator weakness against him and told him, I'm not participating in the divorce, he wants it so he can arrange it and pay for it. And in true avoiding form nothing has happened. I bet that makes OW feel good about her position. Nearly 4 years and he still hasn't divorced .

[heroIam]

SS,
I think it's true it is very difficult to pave the way with a vanisher.  And I too have a conflict avoider and compartmentalizer. 

Not sure what there is to do with a vanisher except just let them be and contact only when necessary. I too respond to his contacts in a courteous way.  I have tried to have some other personal engagement with him but he was responding only with one or two words.  I've stopped doing that because it looks as if I was pursuing or manipulating which doesn't work with vanishers, even though I wasn't.

Mine hasn't made any moves with initiating any d, or pulling the plug financially and for that I'm grateful.  Only time will tell I guess.  However, the longer it goes on, the less likely for a return I think.  I sometimes feel I will be in this limbo for a very, very, very, very  long time.  I just don't see myself making any decisions either. 

It is what it is.