[bluerose]

       And the journey the continues...



Previous Threads
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8990.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8898.0


Original vanisher threads

Does anyone have any comments/feedback regarding vanishers?

Vanisher 3

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8310.0

Vanisher 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0

Vanisher 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0


Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0

[nah]

Thread number 3 already??

I guess it's not all what they are doing/saying each and every day.

It's about connecting with others who understand what it's like to grieve someone who is still alive.

[POOWOO]

This thread has been very interesting I do wounded if there are any vanishers that reappeared.
It's still feels like I'm grieving for my H as it' was such a shock and he vanished the same day so in someways it feels like he died but hurts when you know they haven't he was just happy for our marriage to die
X

[beyondblessed]

Nah, just to clarify, I don't think it's is a bad thing to keep tabs on the MLC'er and see just how great that new-found happiness looks on them (snarky, I know, but happiness, pffft!), some people aren't able to stop at just that.  And many times, especially early on, that kind of digging and snooping will burn like acid when the LBS sees these jerks "living it up" as they pretend the first year or 2 into this crap.  But, maybe that pain is what they need to feel to get on with their own lives.  At some point, it's going to have to happen for them, or they really will be left behind.

I know I was really wounded when xh walked away, but then I saw what he was walking away to.  It was a travesty, in my honest opinion.  I wasn't sure if I should be offended, disgusted, or overjoyed that this OW (yeah, symptom, whatever) he ran to be with was so far beneath me in every way possible.  Now, after almost 18 months, I see this as the karma everyone jilted person clamors for.  Two broken, adulterous liars in a relationship that wrecked both of their "awful" marriages and now they are stuck with each other for all eternity.  In my book, karma doesn't get much b!tc#ier or better than that.  You cross the line, you get what you deserve.  And, as for this blissful happiness, now watching and peeking from a distance is quite satisfying...and letting him do the same in return is even better because mine here in good old reality is genuine, and his, well, that remains to be seen.

[nah]

Yes.  Each situation is different.

I guess it was good that I wasn't a very good snoop.

Like I said earlier, it's not like I could look through his phone and/or emails.  See, he was gone and I didn't know any passwords or anything like that b/c until BD, I did not know I had a need to snoop.

Now those with live-in clingers, they see their email, some have seen pictures and love notes to the OP.  Nope, I would not want to see that, especially if I hoped for reconciliation. 

So, Yes, I looked but I saw very little.  Looking back, when I tried to dig for information (like when I spent a year badgering the Leaver's bass player) I would get nothing.  As soon as I let go, it fell into my lap. 

In the early days, I wrote a few letters, I sent messages, I tried to meet and talk with the Leaver.  Nothing... a big fat nothing.  I gave up trying years ago and then, only when he was ready, BOOM... he hands over everything I was wondering without me even asking.   

So especially in the early days, I would have been better off not looking, focusing on myself, letting go and let be.   I just didn't have the ability.

[Treasure]

Attaching x

[Shocked]

I wish I was on this thread when I first came on HS. I think it would help all LBS to be connected with their fellow LBS on similar journeys. It took me a while to figure that out!!! I didn't snoop until I realized he was running thru money!!! I had trusted him so much!!! Then I started finding out more stuff that shocked me!!! The trips with OP, porn, cigarette smoking, and credit card debt!!! How could this be the same man I had been married to for 22 years!!! I stopped after finding that out. I deleted him from all my social media sites. I knew more than I ever wanted. It wasn't making me feel better. So now I'm trying to get to a better place. The MLC seems to stick on me. It hard to peel all the layers of it offf!!i will see my vanisher for the first time since August for my daughter's graduation this weekend. Any words of advice my fellow LBS's if vanishers?

[stillbaffled]

i will see my vanisher for the first time since August for my daughter's graduation this weekend. Any words of advice my fellow LBS's if vanishers?

Look him right in the eyes - don't glance away or act like you're scared or angry.  Doesn't mean you have to say anything. 

When I saw Mr. Cowardly Vanisher in the store a few months ago I was trying to make eye contact with him.  I wasn't going to say anything.  Just look him in the eyes.  But nope....by the time I paid and grabbed my bag he had disappeared to hide in the back of the store somewhere!      Still the Cowardly Vanisher. 

Shocked - you just keep your head held high and do lots of smiling and laughing with everybody else there.  You'll look and be fabulous, I'm sure! 

[beyondblessed]

Shocked.....smile and be the epitome of class and grace.  If it were me, I would work the crowd and mingle.  I wouldn't even give him the time of day, but I would be sure he felt my presence.   

[sparklestar]

Wow these threads did move quickly but then there was so much good info shared and yes the fact we have a very hard to deal with grieving someone alive type situation does make for a tough ride in a similar but different way.

We really have not a lot to go on. Anyone who has been following my thread the last few days will see how much social media from the OW has got me bending my brain into a pretzel shaped mess. It's really no good saying 'don't look' that's like trying not to imagine a pink elephant. While this stuff is so new I just have to. I need to try and assess what I'm really dealing with. I don't see a messed up MLCr looking totally dishelveled wallowing and having pity parties no I see a tired ish looking man (who has definitely aged) having what looks like a good time, settled in his new life. Or at least that's what OW is showing. I know that behind the scenes things aren't perhaps quite as rosy -she has called her ex late at night, she travels back to the exes local park to walk the dogs (an hour away) and we seem to play social media account public / private roulette - she makes it public when a new pic of my h or their life together goes up but will go back to private then back again and so on.

I don't know whether this is just vanisher style replay for x years and that this is quite normal? Nah I would say that your journey is the most insightful into a vanisher now starting to crawl out of the woodwork and start to show the true picture. But whether that's the norm is hard to know - not that any of this is normal btw. Because everyone is different and every situation will have unique parts it's probably always going to be hard to have a 'one size fits all' type approach but at least a rough guide of what to expect would be good. I've mentioned it before and it's worth mentioning again that the abandoned wives club site and book effectively describe vanishers. I wonder how many of those AWC men are actually in MLC? As I understand it the characteristics are slightly different in that they often just disappear over night with no explanation - the 'dear John' type scenario. But it clearly happens... and what's not clear is if there is any return stories? TBH it doesn't feel like the authors intention was to have standing LBSs in fact I think she would more likely advise against that?

That's why, in a way, with Vaniahers it feels more hopeless. Though I know a few peoples opinions on this are v different. Nah I think says she feels like most will want to return it's just the fact that because they vanished the LBS hasn't much to go on and so ordinarily moves on - correct me if I'm wrong Nah!!!