[Shelly7435]

So I have a question.  My H is a vanisher.. but I think it was my doing?.  He had already left home and was back for about  year when another BD hit.. a big one.. He was having a sexting affair with this assistant 17 years younger... Anyway, he is not with her, she went back to her husband.  My question is do they still seek out people like the original alienator.. broken, etc? He has told my D that he does not have a Girlfriend.. I am sure he has had flings but his first love is his work.. and a big part of why I think he is a MLCer.  His goals were not meet when he thought they should be. 

Also I feel like I was the one to make him vanish.  I placed a boundary on him of 30 day of NC.  I did tell him he wouldn't bother to call after the 30 days and I was right.  We are at the 7 month mark of NC. I wonder if I did the right thing??? At the time it was I was recovering from Cancer.. but now I question myself. 

 Also he pushed for the D, which I filed for months ago.. but he seems to be stalling it by not doing what he need to on his part to get it done or he doesn't know what he has to do (he doesn't have an attny).. I bet if I would have insisted on him doing the filing it would not be filed at all.   He also knows a lot about my life.  I hear things every once in a while... I do not snoop.. I can't it is too painful. To me he sounds like a teenager that is trying to win over all the "Important" people.  To me he sounds miserable and looks like a pathetic mid-aged man that is trying too hard to fit in. 

Rossbren: I read your last post and I could have said it word for word.  We are on the same time line and our stories like pretty much everyone are very similar.. we were the couple everyone envied.. I have a friend that modeled her relationship with her H after ours...

[bluerose]

     In my opinion, they run because they can not face the guilt of what they have done. There is nothing you did or could have done differently to prevent it. They think its the only wzy to find their " happiness". These are some very messed up people we are dealing with. Out of sight, out of mind. We do not exist to them.

[Still Half full]

I find these threads so helpful, I think I feel clearer and have more confidence in myself because of reading here, thank you all 😊

Even though my H is a 'vanisher' we have occasional contact via work emails, last personal contact was last August until I had to contact him last week about a personal matter ( financial / legal ) he responded pleasantly. ( I've detailed that conversation on my thread ).  So other than occasional work emails he has run away and is trying to pretend I don't exist,  he has vanished from our marriage and refuses to discuss me with anyone, so I think I'm still entitled to be in the 'vanisher' gang 😄

In my situation, I don't think he wanted to leave me, I think he'd decided that he wanted to be with me rather than OW, but didn't know how to get out of the mess he'd created. I discovered his affair ( June 2015) and I immediately made him leave.  He rang OW to warn her that I knew and she packed her bags, left her husband without telling him and came to rescue my H, within an hour of me telling him to leave 😳  !! They ran away together and stayed in hotels ( cheap hotels because I cut him off from all our bank accounts 😂 ) and within a week she had found them somewhere to rent and they moved in together !!  I have asked him since if that's what he wanted and he said 'no, but I just let her'😳

He wanted to come back a few months later and when I said I'd think about it, he went back to 'their' home and while she was at work he packed his bags and ran away from her 😂😂😂

He moved back locally and we started 'dating' for a few months. I didn't let him move back into our home, he didn't ask. I wanted him to prove himself, he'd hurt me so badly and I was scared.   I hadn't found this site and I was pretty tough on him. It was too much like hard work for him, he was still in the clutches of MLC, depressed, angry and selfish, so unfortunately things didn't work out  (I now think he still couldn't face what he'd done and I think it was shame that made him so defensive and angry )

He half heartedly contacted me for a little while but I was distant and he stopped. I discovered a few months later that he'd started seeing OW again, but isn't living with her.

That's when I found THS and started learning about real MLC.  I think if I'd let him come home he would have still left again and gone back to OW.  She's just something that makes him feel less bad about himself, so she was still an option for him when things got tough with us. I think him choosing to leave again would have hurt me even more, but I've questioned if I did the 'right' thing, I think I did 🤔

I think my vanisher thinks he's firetrucked his life, he's made his bed and he's just going to lie in it, he's still not thinking straight, he's still depressed, drinking too much and not himself. OW pursued him after he left her and told him she didn't care that he still loved me, that she would take him back no matter what, she's moved even closer ( but he's still not living with her ). When I discovered he'd gone back to her I did email him and he told me that he still loved me but that I wouldn't ever forgive him ( I have never said that ) so he decided to go back to OW. So in my case I truly believe H doesn't think OW is better than me ( OP is NEVER better than the spouse ) she is the easy option, but that doesn't change the fact my H is with another woman 🙁

I don't know if I'm standing, I still love him and want him to get out of his crisis and still think we have a chance of being together  again, but that would involve a lot of hard work and he can't cope with that ( yet, I do still have some hope ). I'm not interested in being with anyone else and am still trying to put my broken heart back together, but I get more healed every day. I still miss my H and our lovely life that we had until MLC struck, but I don't know if he will find his way out of the tunnel, if he gets his skates on we might have a chance, but he has to find his own way out

He's living 5 minutes away and I never see him, he doesn't contact me and his family and colleagues tell me they're not allowed to mention me 🙁

I think this site is fab, whether standing or not, we are able to give and receive bits of insight that helps us understand we're not going mad. Even though the details are different in each situation, there are enough similarities to help us see MLC for what it really is

[nah]

Thank you Goner and Thunder,

We are all in this together.  You never know who will pop out next.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0n8N98mpes

SHF.... I think, like me and most on this thread, you have an on and off, as opposed to a true vanisher.

I think we need a better name for them. 

[bluerose]

    A new name? Hmmmm, how about extreme @$$holes?

[Shelly7435]

Bluerose:  Thank you.  I agree with you.. they think it is the only way to find happiness.

SHF:  I needed to hear what you said.  I know that he was not ready to come home when he did.. I hoped. 

I think my vanisher thinks he's firetrucked his life, he's made his bed and he's just going to lie in it, he's still not thinking straight, he's still depressed, drinking too much and not himself.

I don't know if I'm standing, I still love him and want him to get out of his crisis and still think we have a chance of being together  again, but that would involve a lot of hard work and he can't cope with that ( yet, I do still have some hope ). I'm not interested in being with anyone else and am still trying to put my broken heart back together, but I get more healed every day. I still miss my H and our lovely life that we had until MLC struck, but I don't know if he will find his way out of the tunnel, if he gets his skates on we might have a chance, but he has to find his own way out

He's living 5 minutes away and I never see him, he doesn't contact me and his family and colleagues tell me they're not allowed to mention me 🙁

Wow they really do have a script.. Mine told me, I am  "disappointed in him and hate him"  I have never said those words.  I never would.  I have always told him I was proud of him.. that did not change even after all the BD's.. I did not see the point in being mean.  He also told me I was to tell anyone that asks that, "My H was having a mid-life crisis".  His words.. I have hope too.. not sure why..

Mine also lives 5 minutes away.. I worry I will run into him.  I am okay with him seeing me.  I just don't want to see him.  I still panic when I see a truck like his on the road.. I am not sure if it is I'm afraid of what I may see or if I am afraid of him wanting to talk and him being the same mean, cruel person he has become... probably both.

[Loyal]

Nah, thanks  for sharing the YouTube video, it just made my day ,

[nah]

    A new name? Hmmmm, how about extreme @$$holes?

I'm in.  I would wager that BeyondDone would go for this one too.   

Shelly, I often said mine didn't waver but he did once, just a little.  It was two months post BD, he called me to "say hi", it was weird.  I blew him off and thought, "finally!!", I was so excited that he was on the path to pursue me.  I was wrong.  He moved in with her a few weeks later.  I thought I blew it and wrote about it on here.  It was Stayed that said, if he ran, no matter what I said, he would have done it eventually anyways.  She was right.  Four years ago, he was no where near ready to come home.  If he did, we would have just gone through more pain and drama.  So now I'm glad it happened the way it did.

As for them accusing us of hating them?  Yes, ditto.  Of course mine said the same things.  I corrected him and said I was insulted b/c he should know me enough to know I don't have the ability to hate him.  Per projection, plain and simple.  They hate themselves.

As for what to tell other people.

The Leaver likes to say, "Nah and I were on a different page, we are now friends".  He has said this countless of times to many people.

I just simply say, "He left me".

He hates, hates, hates that I say this to people.  He has brought this up to me soon after BD, (angry that his hockey friends were calling him stupid), throughout his crisis and just recently during that last phone call.  He is angry with me that most people are disgusted with his actions.

I have never wavered, not once.  I calmly say the same thing to him verbatim, "I will not lie for you.  I can't control how people feel about what you have done.  That is their perceptions and their feelings.  I am not that powerful."

He still feels I have magically turned the world against him.

[Shelly7435]

Nah:  Thank you for your post.  I love the way you explain things.  I do know... deep down I did all I could and nothing was going to help him or us...

Not that I would know but I also feel like H thinks I turned the world against him... boy are we powerful or what!!!

Love the youtube as well!

Name; Let see.   Pathetic stalkers from a distance..

[Still Half full]

I agree he's not a complete vanishers,  I've seen him once ( at a funeral ) since April 2016 and we've had one none work related message last August. Work email contact is very occasional and I always include the other directors in any messages that I need to send, so it does feel like he's vanished from my personal life, maybe we should classify him as a 'Hider' ?? 😂

But I like Blueroses suggestion 😂