[bluerose]

   Bren,
     I dont give my h a reaction either that he knows about. The kids might tell him.
    I to am coming up on the 3 year mark. I think i have seen movement from him a little but hevis so back and forth and somewhat secretive its hard to tell. Plus the added aggravation of him moving at a snails pace.
       This d is getting close to becoming final and the birth of our first grand child is about 2.5 months away. I hope all of this is getting him thinking.

[BrenM]

Thanks Blue,

I am really struggling ATM.  I have so much going on in my life I feel like I am drowning...literally.  I feel like I am by myself....handling this mess, along with the kids and their mental issues.  I just don't know how much more I can hold on all by myself.......I am getting to a point where I need help.

Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes...I am not expecting anything significant, But it just can't keep on going on like it is.  I still have hope. It is probably unrealistic of me to have this hope.  I have also seen this trend in many reconciliation stories.  I am starting to think that I am the one having the crisis......I am the crazy one....

I am so sorry, normally I am so so positive....but for days now I have been negatively cycling in a downward spiral.  I am back on my anxiety medications.....unfortunately.

I just want someone to slap me really hard to wake up from this nightmare!  I just my complete happy family back....no emotional, financial stress. 

I am normally positive and believe in the Mlc process....where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled.  There are not too many on this site.  Other sites have lists and their stories.   Sorry...I am in a bad way....in need for a walk on the beach with some fresh air.

[ChrissYAH]

Bren I will keep u and your precious angels in my prayers u r a very special woman hang in there! hugs x

[bluerose]

      Bren,
           Dont ever apologize for having a bad time with this. Sometimes i vycle through my emotions so fast i dont even know whats going on. We all do. Its okay.  You are a wonderful and very caring and strong woman. You can do this.
    We have so much in common about how we feel about this mlc process. When i read your post its like your writing how i feel.
    Dont beat yourself up . Feel what you have to feel and process it. Sending you lots of support, hugs and prayers.

[lulu]

Bren,

I think we've all been just where you are.  It's been much longer for me and I still get days like that where I feel ripped off and start to question myself. Right now my situation seems completely hopeless and I don't know what direction I want to go in. Sometimes if I listen to a podcast or a sermon it will make me feel better...I listen while I clean, then I don't feel so lonely. 

I'm not sure if I can recommend this on this site, but I've recently found the BTGMovement...a series on youtube and Facebook where a reconciled couple talks about all aspects...it's also religious if you're interested in that.  I have an appointment with the lawyer at the end of the month and I still have doubts...but, I really need to protect my children and finances.

Hugs to you, you've helped many...

[xyzcf]

Bren, you need not be sorry for not being "positive"....this sucks the "positive" out of our very being. It is like climbing a steep mountain without any view of the summit, only knowing that you must take one step forward at a time. You have to keep climbing up.

Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes.

There is a problem with putting any "time frames" on any of this..because we are all different and we all had different marriages. You can look back on year 1, year 2 and probably see that there are changes, however, this is also dragging on longer than you thought, and we do get weary and tired.

Not to discourage anyone, and I hesitate to write this...I did not feel "better" until about 6 years after BD. I am in some very powerful Mind Body therapy right now and we were discussing this week how the joy and happiness I felt as a wife and mother was "better" than how I feel now. I can feel joy and happiness today 8 years later, but not the way I did when I was in our marriage and family, not even close. I still want what I once had.

Does this mean that somehow I am failing at being an LBS? Because 8 years later I continue to yearn for my husband?

The other "misconception" I have heard is it takes "3 months for every year that you were married for you to heal " I say bullcrap to that..."stats" cannot really be used when you are dealing with matters of the heart.

I function well, I live well, but as my therapist assured me....we are wired for companionship. I yearn to be held and to be loved and to love...in Gary Chapman's 5 languages of love...physical affection was one of my main things that I needed in a relationship....

Again, it is "difficult" for me because I am 100% convinced that marriage is indissoluble, thus, the opportunity to be loved in an intimate way is not available to me......

I just want someone to slap me really hard to wake up from this nightmare!  I just my complete happy family back....no emotional, financial stress. 

I am normally positive and believe in the Mlc process....where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled.  There are not too many on this site. 

OK, so I know of some reconciled marriages from this site and those LBSers do not post here. I don't think I would either and although that may seem rather selfish, I totally understand why people would not write anymore here about their marriages. In my case, this would be something very private...I stopped writing about my situation years ago on HS...sorry...but I am protective towards my husband and in some ways feel bad that I ever shared some of the things he has done...and I know others who feel this way as well.

I do believe in the MLC process but I also believe that there are many factors why, even if the crisis is resolved that the MLCer cannot find their way back home. That is reality. They may really want to come back....but can you imagine what it would take for them to deal with all that happened? To take responsibility for the damage? Perhaps easier to just suck it up and stay away...again, that will depend a great deal on the personality of the MLCer...not all will have the courage to return.

One thing I had to wrap my head around, to remove my expectation that he would come home. Yes, I still have hope for us and when I do see him, I still enjoy being with him...but this is the phrase that I needed to change in my mindset:

where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled.

My life cannot depend upon a reconciliation. I still want that, but I cannot have that...if I cannot have that, if I cannot have an intact family.....then where do I go from there?

I sometimes did not see the change in me until months later, when I could look back and see xyzcf back then....I lost who I was and then the new xyzcf that started to emerge was not someone I recognized or liked...it is only in the last 2 years that I recognize who I am again...and I am very changed from the woman I was before, so I have to get to know her....and I am smiling as I write this...because she's pretty darn wonderful!

As you are Bren...be patient....oh, one more thing.

Trusting and I had lunch many years ago with Heartsblessing..at the time I thought of her as a "rock star" for her knowledge and understanding of MLC..and I felt very strongly that she had an ability to "know" things that most cannot know...and so at the end of lunch, she looked me straight in the eye and said "xyzcf, things are going to be fine". It was not what I wanted her to say. Somehow I "hoped" she would use her "powers"  ( and trust me I do not go to psychics or clairvoyants) to tell me that my husband was definitely going to come back to me......it bothered me that she used the words she did..because I did not want things to be fine if that meant that my husband did not come home.

Well, it has been a long time and I spent a lot of energy wishing for him to come back. I cannot change that..I did try hard but could never release the hope that I have and still have for an intact family again.

But as Heartsblessing said...things are fine...I am well...I am alive....I have a better life than 99% of the rest of the world..I have friends...a daughter and son in law who are great....I have received so many gifts and graces that once I opened my eyes and heart to receive them...I realized that I am truly loved by God..I should have known that all along.

Take care Bren...believe me, there are still occasions when I take an anti anxiety medication. That may be a permanent effect from the trauma that we have experienced...the increased anxiety although again, the work I am doing with this therapist may indeed and already has changed my response to stressful times and triggers.

[Nas]

Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes...I am not expecting anything significant, But it just can't keep on going on like it is. 

Hi Bren,
I am so sorry for how you're feeling and I hope you don't take offense to my post.  I have been where you are and really sincerely know how you feel.
I think it's important to remember that there are NO timelines.  I feel that holding on to the "3 year" mark for even a slight change has kept you attached and full of expectation you might not have consciously been aware of.  I worry that when the 3 year mark passes and nothing changes, you will feel even worse and I would hate to see you deal with that kind of unnecessary additional pain.

Granted, I'm only about 2.5 years since BD, and I've only been on the boards since Dec 2016, but I hate to say it, I really haven't seen any situations change by the 3 or even 4 year mark.  Nah was the first I read about to see her MLCer open up a little bit by around year 4.  Actually, I am noticing more and more reaching the 5, 6, 7 year mark and not seeing changes.  It does happen, and hope is important to your stand, but just know that we are here for you and want to make sure you are not holding on too much to the idea that something will change at a certain point. 

[Thunder]

Bren,

I hope that wasn't from me.  I did see small positive changes starting around the 3 year mark, but I do not think that is the norm.

It's been over 6 1/2 years now and even though he is much more "back to himself" I still don't believe he is entirely out of his crisis.  I still see a little depression from time to time.

When I came on this site I read 2 to 6 years, or something like that..so of course I zero'd right in to the 2 years.     I waiting for the 2 year mark because surely he would come out of it.
Nope, 2 years, no changes what so ever.  It depressed me.

I think any expectations with time only sets you back.

I also agree with xyzcf.  I think a lot of people who reconcile don't need this forum anymore.
It's just a reminder of all the pain.  There may be a lot more reconciliations than we see.

[nah]

  Nah was the first I read about to see her MLCer open up a little bit by around year 4.  Actually, I am noticing more and more reaching the 5, 6, 7 year mark and not seeing changes. 

Just like Thunder, when I first read your timeline expectation I hoped it wasn't from me.

I did mention noticeable changes around the 3 year mark and Thunder did respond with seeing the same with her husband BUT.... every circumstance is different, there are so many factors.

For me, we spent a little over a year getting divorced.  The interactions were forced due to hearings, meetings, etc., yes, he did everything to avoid but who knows what our contact level would have been without divorce proceedings.... zero or maybe some due to no pressure, I have no idea b/c it's not how it happened with us.

Once the divorce was final,.... two years of virtually nothing.  There were crumbs here and there but mostly nothing.
Then he lost his job and he contacted me.  I will never know if it was just b/c he no longer wanted to pay alimony or due to time he was more comfortable, but most likely a combination of both.  Due to him being forced to contact me again, more than once, and time passing and me being relaxed and friendly, our contact increased.  Yes, there were changes and yes, he opened up way more than I expected BUT....
He didn't change his course, he still got married.

Now?  The last month I have received a few e-mails about houses but he virtually disappeared again.  Most likely guilt about the marriage, worried that I might hit him with an emotional debate, but I have no intentions of even mentioning it, why bother?

Yesterday when I lost my job I contacted him right away asking him to take over son's medical and car insurance, like I did for him when he lost his job.  Normally he would respond within minutes,... I sent this message yesterday morning and not one peep from the Leaver.

Now he might be on a honeymoon as he married last weekend, but still I saw he posted advertisements for his business on Facebook yesterday so he does have internet and phone access.  Either he doesn't want to talk to me b/c she is up his @ss OR, he is just plain old ignoring me.

Too bad when you start your shiny new fake life, your old one keeps popping up, even on your honeymoon.

[Treasur]

Dear Bren
First of all, I hope today is a slightly better day. I got the sense that your feelings were about two things; feeling overwhelmed by dealing with some of the fallout 'rubble' and feeling unsure about hope vs pragmatism.

We all survived a hurricane and it leaves damage to people as well as us, and to the general stuff of life. If you didn't feel overwhelmed by that sometimes, you'd be an idiot and you're obviously far from that. Sometimes that means though we need to get creative - do less, simplify things or seek help. No one needs you to be superwoman - good enough is good enough - and small steps in the right direction are less exhausting than big goals.

On the whole hope/timescales/now thing...I think, other than the pain watching someone you love self-destruct, this is the hardest challenge. Like the line from Alice in Wonderland about believing six impossible things before breakfast! You know that there is a predictable MLC process but you also know that if/how individuals come through it is not. You can't know, you just can't. But you want to keep a kernel of hope yet hope hurts. For me - and I've struggled with this for months - it is the difference between hope and faith. Hope tends to pull you to an outcome. Faith is that things will not stay the same and they will get better even if you don't know what that will look like yet. Until then, you choose your direction of travel and work on the things you can make better now for you and your family, and (depending on your belief system) you let God/time/the laws of the universe/the MLC process look after the rest.