[How long ago was BD?]

How long ago was BD?

Less than 6 months?

5 (7.8%)

6-12 months?

6 (9.4%)

1-2 years?

13 (20.3%)

2-3 years?

12 (18.8%)

3-4 years?

8 (12.5%)

4-5 years?

8 (12.5%)

More than 5 years?

12 (18.8%)

Total Members Voted: 64

Voting closed: November 28, 2017, 03:59:21 AM

[Thunder]

My BD will be 6 years in January.

I saw NO changes for almost 3 years then slowly he got better.  S L O W L Y!

[SavingMySanity]

Coming up on 6 months since BD.

Thinking back, H changed back in mid 2015. He was very moody and nit picky.  I used to tell him that he was moodier than a woman on PMS. Just chalked it up to his job and all the stress he was under. Then last year his beloved dog died and that was extremely hard on him. Just after new year he had a suicide in his unit that he had to handle and it was his first experience with a death of someone he was trying to help. He took it hard and started thinking he could have done something more. He left for 6 weeks in late Feb. for work and he found out that he was being promoted. He seemed happy. By mid March he was in a panic over the promotion ceremony coming up, our big family gathering that his real M invited herself to (abandoned him and his B at age 8 ) our D graduating less than 2 weeks after that. The end of March H called me having panic attacks about a week and half before he was to return. He was freaked out about coming home. Little did I know in my quest to help him, he had just started an affair.

I found out May 6, after a month of questioning him on his strange behavior.  I found the pictures on his phone of them both.  He lied, lied and lied some more.  It took me a month to put the whole puzzle together. Mid May there was yet another suicide in his new unit, less than two weeks after he started. This one was worse in that he was really trying his best to help this guy. He did see this man that night dead in his car. Messed my H up even more.

6 months later he has tried to come home once and that was only to try and cover his tracks for his impending 2 week vacation with OW in late August. 
So, if we noticed changes way back, does that start the time of when they actually started their journey or is it BD?  And if BD, why does the clock start then?

[Kintsugi]

My BD was a year and 8 months ago, soon to be a year and 9 months.  The month of February 2016 had several BDs.  He was in denial of EA but he was somewhat careless in covering his tracks.  I found out that his EA had gone on for 2 years.  He experienced the death of his cousin and also seems to be greatly affected by the death of my Mom.  Only recently have I realized how much the loss of my mom affected him.  There were other things.  He seems a lot less depressed than he was prior to and during the BDs. 

[Cdes40]

SMS I have to say keeping track of the clock, ie., start of BD will only add to the madness. I came to understand that trying to continuously figure out when it all fell apart only added to my stress. It’s hard to fathom that we were unaware of their unhappiness and struggles and that we missed the signs. I’ve known my ex for 36 years and didn’t see it coming. I also think that we think if we can put our finger on the exact time of BD then he will recover sooner because the clock has been running. The only movement I’ve seen out of my ex was after I really let go. It not only allowed me to really start to heal and build authentic strength, not ‘pretend’ strength but it also seem to take the pressure off of him and allow for movement  I knew once I filed and pushed the divorce thru ( 8 months) that it gave him the freedom to pursue what he thought he wanted. He has moved on with his life at an aggressively, breathtaking speed but I believe that’s because he’s still unhappy. The divorce didn’t make him happy, OW moving there hasn’t seemed to lift his spirits, the farm has definitely not made him happy. He tell him our daughters that it’s a lot more work and financial commitment then he thought it would be. She shipped her horses across country and they have no money for a barn so they have to pay to board . Really, just a complete sh*t show. So now we ( daughters and I) sit back and maintain our boundaries and keep living our lives, but not in a spiteful way. Do I want Karma bus to show up someday? Absolutely! But mostly because it’s SO obvious that this relationship stands very little chance of surviving, but I don’t say a word. Those days are years behind me.

So, from what I have read start of BD happens when it’s pretty obvious he wants out. Mine was restless and depressed for over a year before he said ‘I’m not happy’ and that came after a wonderful family weekend and the day after our anniversary. Never saw it coming. For me, that was a big part of my struggle.

[Thunder]

I think RCR is pretty spot on.

2 years is way too early to get through this.

RCR:
What stage is my MLCer in?
If your Bomb Drop was yesterday your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 6 months ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was a year ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 18 months ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 2 years ago your MLCer is probably in Escape & Avoid.

[Cdes40]

Agreed Thunder! I remember thinking 2 years sounded way longer than I wanted to wait, and it’s been 3.5 and the movement is still very slow and inconsistent.

[SavingMySanity]

My H wants me to let him go. He doesn’t think that we can ever move past this. He loves me, I do know that, but he has this Ow who I guess he thinks is firetrucking gold. I dunno. He is the knight in shining armor kind of guy. Our lives changed when we got stationed here and he started his new job. He’s tired and wants out, but he feels that he cannot quit or he will be a failure. His issues definitely. This will continue on, but I’m in it as long as I will continue to be allowed to. It’s all about the job right now. I’m not sure IF he decided to retire, that things would change or not. I’ve told him that I’d like to just lead a simple life.

I’ve been pondering if he does retire, if things would progress a bit faster or not.

[engagewithlove]

BD1 was August 2016. At the time I didn't realise this was MLC, but sure wish I'd found this forum back then. Not saying it  would've changed anything but would've helped when dealing with BD2, which was Jan 29 2017. He moved out 5 weeks later.

As to where I am in LBS Stages, I'm all over the place. My mind wanders back to shock & denial but I'm mainly in bargaining and depression. I haven't had much Anger yet, but I'm sure it will come. Other times I have real clarity and am positive about the changes in my life. I'm slowly coming to the realisation that he is not going to come out if this for a very long time and I'm sure I don't want the old H back. Definitely not the one that existed the past 18months before BD...so I'm just watching from the sidelines to see if a new improved H evolves. Still doesn't help with the hurt I feel on a daily basis.

[stillbaffled]

BD was 22 months ago.  Slapped those divorce papers on me (with OW's help of course - she printed out the matching internet version to the ones she was giving her soon to be ex) six weeks after he walked out the door.  Divorce final 7 months later. 

Became hubby number 5 to crazy lady in July of this year.  They're building a new house on the 11 acres he purchased with the big fat check I had to give him to buy him out of our home.  From the tiny town rumor mill I hear he's happier than he's ever been.      (and he'll also try to sell you a bridge in Arizona!)   

[FaithWalker]

BD for me will be 23 months in the middle of November, so we are approaching the 2 year mark.

I cycle.  I put that I was in acceptance, but I cycle.  I've mainly accepted, but I still have struggle with being angry, disgusted, and I still grieve.  I definitely cycle, but I feel that I am mainly in acceptance.