[Absolutely Fabulous]

Can we get back to the topic now? Everyone has taken this far enough off topic that people have no clue what the thread was about:

The LBSer decides:
- once the MLC leaves the tunnel and decides to come back, for those that do come back
- the LBSer has a decision to make: pick up the pieces or continue to move on.
- the LBSer has to decide if whether divorced or not if it is worth another try or saving.
- the non standing LBSer that has an MLCer will have to decide the nature of the new dynamics of the relationship (friends or not), upon the crisis being over.
Lastly, will you help them put their life back together regardless of the nature of your relationship?

Clear enough for everyone now?
We begin here, everything else is just a distraction. Period.

[Anjae]

The answer? The discussion was supposed to bring that out. It wasn’t about me to begin with. Somehow that got lost in translation...

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

The parts in italic was not on your original post, it was placed/edited afterwards. After some of us told you your post wasn't clear enough on its purpose.

I wondered why so few reconciliation stories.

There are more reconciliation stories than the ones you see posted about. People just aren't posting about it.

You bring, fire, petrol and flames, change your opening post, then complain people are being emotional or whatever. Yet, you fail to answer when things you claim to be are challenged.

You even complain people are discussing, on a discussing thread, that you said "Should be a interesting discussion.

Exactly what is your problem, AF? You change the goal posts of the thread, you edit your posts, you«re upset people are discussing on a discussion thread, you are telling people they cannot post or should not, on a discussion thread, etc.

The same old my3girls, who loved to start a fight is back?

Or are you collecting info for your business?

Can we get back to the topic now? Everyone has taken this far enough off topic that people have no clue what the thread was about:

The LBSer decides:
- once the MLC leaves the tunnel and decides to come back, for those that do come back
- the LBSer has a decision to make: pick up the pieces or continue to move on.
- the LBSer has to decide if whether divorced or not if it is worth another try or saving.
- the non standing LBSer that has an MLCer will have to decide the nature of the new dynamics of the relationship (friends or not), upon the crisis being over.
Lastly, will you help them put their life back together regardless of the nature of your relationship?

Clear enough for everyone now?
We begin here, everything else is just a distraction. Period.

You should had begin with this. It was you who created the mess, confusion and flames. The thread is on page 11 and post 100 (101 with mine) from a maximum of 15 pages/150 posts per thread. It took you this long to be clear in what was the purpose? Some how, I doubt.

As for "period", you don't get to rule how poeple respond and react to what you post. Let alone when you start one way and then changed it.

Don't want logic where there was none to start with. Nor people to agree with you just because.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

And again thank you Anjae for starting this up again. The whole point is to get to the topic. You’re not in control of this thread and the last time I checked, I have made multiple attempts to stay on topic.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

The answer? The discussion was supposed to bring that out. It wasn’t about me to begin with. Somehow that got lost in translation...

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

The parts in italic was not on your original post, it was placed/edited afterwards. After some of us told you your post wasn't clear enough on its purpose.

I wondered why so few reconciliation stories.

There are more reconciliation stories than the ones you see posted about. People just aren't posting about it.

You bring, fire, petrol and flames, change your opening post, then complain people are being emotional or whatever. Yet, you fail to answer when things you claim to be are challenged.

You even complain people are discussing, on a discussing thread, that you said "Should be a interesting discussion.

Exactly what is your problem, AF? You change the goal posts of the thread, you edit your posts, you«re upset people are discussing on a discussion thread, you are telling people they cannot post or should not, on a discussion thread, etc.

The same old my3girls, who loved to start a fight is back?

Or are you collecting info for your business?

Can we get back to the topic now? Everyone has taken this far enough off topic that people have no clue what the thread was about:

The LBSer decides:
- once the MLC leaves the tunnel and decides to come back, for those that do come back
- the LBSer has a decision to make: pick up the pieces or continue to move on.
- the LBSer has to decide if whether divorced or not if it is worth another try or saving.
- the non standing LBSer that has an MLCer will have to decide the nature of the new dynamics of the relationship (friends or not), upon the crisis being over.
Lastly, will you help them put their life back together regardless of the nature of your relationship?

Clear enough for everyone now?
We begin here, everything else is just a distraction. Period.

You should had begin with this. It was you who created the mess, confusion and flames. The thread is on page 11 and post 100 (101 with mine) from a maximum of 15 pages/150 posts per thread. It took you this long to be clear in what was the purpose? Some how, I doubt.

As for "period", you don't get to rule how poeple respond and react to what you post. Let alone when you start one way and then changed it.

Don't want logic where there was none to start with. Nor people to agree with you just because.

Apparently you didn’t read the first post. I would suggest that you do, this time without cherry picking and twisting what I wrote. Out of everyone on this forum, I have had He most run ins with you.

[Anjae]

Not only I did, I quoted it on that post and even said you have changed it, adding what is now on your fist post in italic. Did you miss what I wrote? I had read it the first time I read this thread. It wasn't clear and it didn't said what it says now.

Pay attention to what others right to you. And read my post again.

This is what is on that post of mine you have just quoted:

I've been off the forum for a while, but I've noticed something on other sites: it's the LBSer not the MLCer that decides if the MLCer can come back.

If and/or when the MLCer finally emerges from the tunnel is not the determinant, it's the LBSers decision, not the MLCers.

The parts in italic was not on your original post, it was placed/edited afterwards. After some of us told you your post wasn't clear enough on its purpose.

You have changed your first post. I already said it before. How many more times do I have to say it?

The LBSer decides:
- once the MLC leaves the tunnel and decides to come back, for those that do come back
- the LBSer has a decision to make: pick up the pieces or continue to move on.
- the LBSer has to decide if whether divorced or not if it is worth another try or saving.
- the non standing LBSer that has an MLCer will have to decide the nature of the new dynamics of the relationship (friends or not), upon the crisis being over.
Lastly, will you help them put their life back together regardless of the nature of your relationship?

Aside from the last, the others aren't questions. You are stating things, not asking.

No, I will not help Mr. J put his life together. That is is business, not mine.

[Velika]

I feel this thread is getting to the heart of the matter in many ways.

I want to say, I agree with CPL up to a point. I think that it is best to divorce right away. I think any new LBS very first priority should be self protection. This includes physical, emotional, and financial. Custody may depend on state of country, as well as type of MLCer. Once this is done then he/she can regroup and take the next step and that is to decide what the future might be with the MLCer, depending on how things play out.

However, I don’t agree that the LBS influences the course of MLC. I’m actually speaking from observed experience. This runs in my former H family and tends to strike around age 43. His sister who is three years older had one about eight years ago.

I have talked to her ex H in detail. He was an incredible guy. She would have been the first to say this until her crisis hit. Then she hated him and wanted a divorce.

He told me that despite moments of clarity she could not pursue any type of healthy path to recovery and seemed to cycle. She had been in therapy/psychiatric care this entire time and received a mix diagnosis of cyclothemia and bipolar.

Her ex moved on quickly, acted swiftly and stratigically in the divorce. It didn’t matter. He could have won the Nobel Prize, authored a best-selling memoir called “My Failed Marriage, My Fault,” dated a supermodel physicist, and developed a six pack to go with his killer smile. IT WOULDN’T have mattered.

If someone’s brain is misfunctioning like a MLCers, they cannot weigh consequences, predict outcomes, or feel empathy. It has nothing to do with anything other than brain function, in my opinion. I think some do recover if they hit “bottom” quickly, just like a person with bipolar is more likely to seek help in the depressive stage. But others are more like cyclothemia, highs and lows but no major crash unless years down the road.

My former SIL seems to have hit this eight years in. She destroyed her own perfectly happy life for nothing. If she had a healthier family, she may have received more intervention. Unfortunately, this seems to run in families.

I want to add I feel that kindness and respectful disagreement need to be a priority on either thread. I also cringe when I see people put people into groups, especially to characterize some as more “recovered” than others. I feel this is nonsensical. Some people might come here to confess their complex and difficult feelings and others may come here to share their GAL stories. I feel sad when I see comments like this, which can add additional shame to someone experiencing ongoing trauma.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

For those of you who disagree? Keep in mind you didn’t have to join the discussion. As for the mess and chaos? This thread went over several people’s heads. And apparently hit some where you lived. I love how quickly the defenses went up of those who aren’t seeing returns, progress or waiting for several years. The reason has nothing to do with this discussion, but more to do with your own personal situations. Many of which had nothing to do with this thread, other than venting.

Will get back to this in the morning.

[Anjae]

I also cringe when I see people put people into groups, especially to characterize some as more “recovered” than others. I feel this is nonsensical.

But this happens to be true. A newbie and someone 10 + years from BD will not be on the same level of recovery. Denying that there are different levels of recovery is bury our head in the sand. Is the truth a problem?

Some people might come here to confess their complex and difficult feelings and others may come here to share their GAL stories. I feel sad when I see comments like this, which can add additional shame to someone experiencing ongoing trauma.

Sure. People are here for different reasons. It does not invalidate that there are different levels of recovered/healed. Saying someone is not healed enough is shameful? I would see it as logical and truthful.

[bvFTD]

Yes, cplnorton: I am my husband's "backup." As I have mentioned many times on this site, my beautiful husband, soulmate, best friend and fantastic dad of our 4 children is terminally ill.

You mentioned something about your wife losing it in midlife due to whatever reasons you grasped at. Okay. My husband is really and truly and literally losing his mind. The neurons are dying and soon the cascade will begin until my man is reduced to a teen, then a child, followed by an infant, and finally his death.

[calamity]

For those of you who disagree? Keep in mind you didn’t have to join the discussion.

Um, it's a discussion thread.  You start a discussion thread then object when someone disagrees with you?  That's not a discussion.