[bvFTD]

I think it is most important during this hell is to trust your instincts that something is very, perhaps irreparably, wrong with your spouse. Trust yourself. I actually started observing my husband clinically about a year before BD. I knew I was witnessing something profound. When you sense the disconnection, trust yourself. At BD you will be traumatized and in shock, but since you were already on alert it wasn't a complete surprise.

I agree with many others on this site: Divorce as soon as they leave the house. Once they abandon you and the children they are GONE. You are tough and strong. If they are at all willing, get them to a neurologist. Permit yourself to grieve, but know that you had many years, decades, of love and True Romance, and not a lot of people can say the same. They adored their life with you.

[Anjae]

The problem is that we don't/didn't have a clue what you are/were asking/want. Or didn't have until reply #100. Still, you only had one question on that post.

How do you want a discussion if people have to agree with you? That isn't a discussion. 

Several of us already said that, yes, the LBS gets to decide. Be it to take the MLCer back, to move on without the MLCer, etc. That also doesn't seem to be enough for you.

Exactly why have you started this thread? You aren't reconcilled, even if your husband has tried to come back. So, why are you interested in reconciliations and why there doesn't seem to be those many?

MLCers do not have to come back for a LBS to make a decision. The decision can be made without wanting to know if the MLCer is, or is not, coming back.

Your husband isn't having a MLC, bvFTD. He is not coming back nor going back to normal once the crisis is over. He is, like you say, terminally ill. That is another level and very different from having a MLCer.

[cplnorton]

Yes, cplnorton: I am my husband's "backup." As I have mentioned many times on this site, my beautiful husband, soulmate, best friend and fantastic dad of our 4 children is terminally ill.

You mentioned something about your wife losing it in midlife due to whatever reasons you grasped at. Okay. My husband is really and truly and literally losing his mind. The neurons are dying and soon the cascade will begin until my man is reduced to a teen, then a child, followed by an infant, and finally his death.

Yeah I was my ex wifes backup.    I was the backup to a 24 year old white trash guitar player with a beard down to his waist. 

My ex wife was seeing him as the primary, and when he was at work.  She would come see me and the kids, and play wife/mother for a couple hours. And I let her do it.   Each time she left, I felt my heart being ripped out even more, and what was horrible I let it happen to my kids.  I wasn't protecting them as much as I should have, as I was selfish and wanted my ex wive back.  So I let her hurt us all, just in some vain attempt to bring her home.

About six months ago I knew I wasn't strong enough to tell her to stay away, so in a moment of strength I did the one thing I knew that would keep her away.  I sent her boyfriend the text messages she sent me.  Where she said a lot of things she never wanted him  to see.  lol 

As soon as he saw them, he confronted her, and she immediately called me and I got full monster.  Now the OM keeps such a tight leash on her, that she cannot even come her kids if she wanted to, let alone see me.

IT was the hardest decision I ever made.  But it was for the best.  I knew I wasn't strong enough to say no, and I knew she would just hurt me over and over, so I removed the option for her even to come over.  Even though I even regretted it right away, I'm so happy now I did it.  Because with her gone, my kids have been so much better off.  I've been able to find peace in so much of the chaos.  And I'm looking forward to life.

I still have hard days.  I still miss her at times.  But it would be so much worse if I left her continually come into my life and then disappear again.

But yeah I was my wife's backup too.  D@mn it hurts.  I'm really sorry you are going through this.  It isn't fair. 

[Anjae]

Wait, CP, you have been bashing people because they are close to their MLCer and you have to send a text to OM because you weren't strong enough to say no, that made your wife not being able to see the kids? And you think you did a good thing? Keeping the kids from their mother? Is that even legal where you live?

You have kids who now do not see their mother. Not only that, you have actually got involved into a situation is was not yours to be involved with, text OM. I don't see how you can be so harsh to others when you have done one of the things we are told never to do, contact OW/OM and be involved in our MLCer affairs with OW/OM.

I am amazed at how some of you act towards others, then it turns out you aren't the super heros you like to tell us you are.

See, CP, several of us managed to either cut contact with our MLCer without involving OW/OM or keep some level of contact becuase their are kids. I found those two things much braver than having to be rescued by OW/OM because se can't say no to our MLCer.

Sometimes there is no shortage of hypocrisy around here.

[bvFTD]

Cpl:

You did what needed to be done, in my opinion - for you, your children, and for your wife, even though she will never thank you. I cannot believe what we are called on to deal with, but we will do so for we have no choice.

Love and Strength to us all. 

[Not Applicable]

For those of you who disagree? Keep in mind you didn’t have to join the discussion.

But earlier you said:

I was once a newbie and I wanted validation as well, but I quickly discovered that not all threads were for me. And truthfull, I’m personally tired of the entitlement that I’m finding that many newbies have concerning threads that don’t fit their situations

Wanting only people that agree with you to post on your thread and trying to exclude people from your thread whose situations who are different from yours is doing exactly what you accuse newbies of doing. You still want validation and you still suffer from a sense of entitlement.

The reason those of us who disagree with you join the discussion is because we aren't afraid of those who we don't agree with. It doesn't bother us that others don't agree with us, it doesn't bother us that other people have different experiences or are at different stages. We have open minds.

[cplnorton]

Wait, CP, you have been bashing people because they are close to their MLCer and you have to send a text to OM because you weren't strong enough to say no, that made your wife not being able to see the kids? And you think you did a good thing? Keeping the kids from their mother? Is that even legal where you live?

You have kids who now do not see their mother. Not only that, you have actually got involved into a situation is was not yours to be involved with, text OM. I don't see how you can be so harsh to others when you have done one of the things we are told never to do, contact OW/OM and be involved in our MLCer affairs with OW/OM.

I am amazed at how some of you act towards others, then it turns out you aren't the super heros you like to tell us you are.

See, CP, several of us managed to either cut contact with our MLCer without involving OW/OM or keep some level of contact becuase their are kids. I found those two things much braver than having to be rescued by OW/OM because se can't say no to our MLCer.

Sometimes there is no shortage of hypocrisy around here.

Ok ladies, do you know why a lot of us men don't comment on this forum after a while?  And we all disappear?  It's because of drama, drama, drama.  Just like this above.

I mean she is personally attacking me and it's obvious that she has never once read anything about my story. 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

For all of your accusing me of bullying you. Take a look at how women bully and do a little mirror work.
 
http://metro.co.uk/2017/06/09/mean-girls-become-mean-women-how-to-protect-yourself-from-adult-regina-georges-6679929/

[cplnorton]

Cpl:

You did what needed to be done, in my opinion - for you, your children, and for your wife, even though she will never thank you. I cannot believe what we are called on to deal with, but we will do so for we have no choice.

Love and Strength to us all.

Thank you.  I have to say I didn't fully understand your one post on your MLC'er being terminal.  I didn't realize it until someone else commented. 

Wow, that adds a complete different layer into the mix.  I don't know how I would handle that one.  Because the one thing you need in this MLC situation is time, and time is a luxury you don't have.

Like for me, I know someday she will leave the tunnel and I think we will be able to then have a civil relationship for the kids.  And I imagine she will feel sorry for what she did.  But I don't know how I would address that situation like yours 

I'm so sorry bvFTD.  My heart sank for you when I read that.    I just pray you find peace in this before it's too late.   I'm so, so sorry.   

[cplnorton]

I think it is most important during this hell is to trust your instincts that something is very, perhaps irreparably, wrong with your spouse. Trust yourself. I actually started observing my husband clinically about a year before BD. I knew I was witnessing something profound. When you sense the disconnection, trust yourself. At BD you will be traumatized and in shock, but since you were already on alert it wasn't a complete surprise.

I agree with many others on this site: Divorce as soon as they leave the house. Once they abandon you and the children they are GONE. You are tough and strong. If they are at all willing, get them to a neurologist. Permit yourself to grieve, but know that you had many years, decades, of love and True Romance, and not a lot of people can say the same. They adored their life with you.

I went back and was re-reading, as I've skipped some of the posts, because it seemed like some are just angry and looking to pick a fight with anyone who doesn't think exactly like them.

But I love this above!  I fully agree!