[thissucks7788]

Great update KellBell! I hope things continue to work out for you!!
B

[Imgood]

I’m happy for you KellBell and your family. Since your very first post, I have related to you on so many things, from  H wanting to upgrade houses,  cars, vacations, …to how you view him as “lost” …to how you are handling yourself. You know you got this! You KNOW you’re going to be fine, no matter how this all shakes out.

[KellBell]

journaling-

coming up on 4 weeks from since last post and things are going really great.

Timeline:

Father's day- (MY POV) I could tell he was wanting to talk with me, very comfortable together, small talk, conversations, family time. Very helpful and engaged- huge 180 from the last few years. Remained calm and rational during an intense conversation with older daughters, when before he would have lost it or just shut down and left. He stayed close to me...like a little child or puppy. Always in my space but never close enough to touch. Small bouts of flirting. (HIS POV) Wanted to be together as a family, felt comfortable with our family time and talking with me. Felt at ease and calm- something he hadn't felt in a long time. Missed his family. Wanted to talk to me but couldn't find the courage. Kept following me around to try and start the conversation but couldn't. Was afraid I had moved on. Or was over him- not willing to work past everything. Didn't want to face that reality and ruin the nice weekend. He had been feeling regret over the divorce since the day he signed the papers but felt like too much had happened to turn back now. He thought he time would help lessen the regret and sadness he felt, but it only made it worse. He found out I was starting to date and knew he was getting close to a point of no return.

July 1st- (MY POV) Flirty and comfortable. Lots of touch- hand on my leg, hugging or rubbing my back. Lots of talking- more than small talk. Started with small apologies about broad issues. I just listened. He talked alot. Loneliness and missing this man who was starting to resemble my old husband led to physical intimacy. (HIS POV) He knew he wanted to kiss me. To see if he felt something- to see if there was still a connection afraid he had ruined what we had in the past. He wasn't sure I would reciprocate. He didn't want to move too fast or make me upset. Our daughter was there- but he wanted to take me to the bedroom and just verbally unload all that he had been feeling and going through the last 12 months. How sorry he was and ask what it would take to fix us. He knew I was leaving to travel abroad and wouldn't be able to have those follow up conversations- so he put the deep conversations on hold until we could have them face to face. Emailed me and texted me everyday while I was gone. Not long conversations, but sweet messages.

Mid-july- (my pov) we met up in a town in between our two homes to talk. We talked through the night and got very little sleep before splitting ways to go back to our respective homes. He said alot of the right things, lots of self blame, no blame on me. Open about what was wrong and how he messed up. Still couldn't admit he hurt me- couldn't use those words. He danced around them in a weird way. Something I thought was strange. But much more open and communicative than ever before. Listening to me. Not butting in or trying to explain away why things happened like they did. Lots of things he just couldn't explain. Like it made sense in the moment, but now he can't even begin to fathom why he did that. (HIS POV) Wanted to explain and apologize. Wanted to help me understand and not give up on us. Tried to explain but it was hard to. Too painful to admit he had hurt me. The whole time he thought his feelings were mutual. If he wasn't happy- then surely I wasn't either. He admitted it was a way to justify the whole thing. Apologizing for hurting me would mean having to say those words out loud and then they would have meaning and be real. He wasn't ready to face that yet.

End of July- (my pov) I flew out to his place one weekend and then he came back to my place the next weekend. We talk every night, text multiple times. Things seem comfortable and nice. I'm still guarded. He uses words like I love you. You're all I want. We should get remarried. (HIS POV) he wants to get remarried. He's wearing his wedding band. He's told everyone we are back together (family and friends). Wants to start planning our future together.

Now this is where learning detachment skills become super useful. Things have been progressing amazingly well. And if I hadn't learned healthy detachment skills, I'd be moving to another state to be with him. However, I do notice small things that give me pause. I have the feeling that he's lonely- and I'm a fix for that. He wants me to plan trips and activities. He's not doing the work with the kids...is he expecting them to just fall in line if we get back together? He's going to have to face them at some point. He's still reflecting on his past alot. Not in major ways but brings up lots of memories and regrets. Has said so many of the right words and some action to back them up...but not enough. Or maybe not enough time has passed to see the actions. I don't think he fully learned how to be alone. It was scary, lonely and hard for him. And I just don't want to be the back up option he realized wasn't that bad because he couldn't hack it by himself.


Anyway- lots to figure out and I'm still guarded and taking everything slow. We are dating I guess. Which is weird. He lives a state away and we see eachother 3 weekends a month. We have visits and stuff planned through the holidays. I have no expectations and really feel level headed in being able to see this all from a different perspective. My heart loves him- but my head is rational. I'm taking things slow and listening alot. Taking it all in. I see it as a way to protect myself. The battle between your head and heart is an exhausting one. Emotionally and physically.

[Kat in the Hat]

This gives those who ultimately want their spouses back some hope KellBell. I will never forget your signature which answers a lot of questions for the people who have just joined this forum.

Wishing you all the love and luck that you deserve.

xK.

[MadLuv]

The signature was part of a comment to me from Barbie on my thread and it is a classic, so I obviously love it as as well. Glad there is movement and also you are taking things slowly. I moved my H out for 10 months and we also dated a d he moved back and then left 2 years later for a much bigger crisis. Of course I didn’t have any MLC knowledge until 6 months after the 2nd BD, so I think you are taking a good route being cautious and making sure he is fully cooked. Glad to hear it is moving along!!!!! 

[thissucks7788]

So glad to hear the update KellBell and thank you for sharing all of your progress with all of us.  Your signature has been the talk of the town, lol. Very wise, for real!   You've handled everything so well and I'm glad that things are going great for you! xo
B

[KellBell]

Yes- thank you, barbie for the amazing quote...I LOVE it and really helped me see things differently. There wasn't enough space to finish the quote or credit her. BUT yes, Barbie is amazing!

I recently read this on detaching. I think we use that word alot and it's such a broad and general term. Alot of the times it gets mixed up with coming to terms or processing all of this. But it's not. It's a tool that helps with those things. Detachment can be useful in lots of ways. And really is a valuable outlook to have on life. It's helped me with adjusting to having adult children and teenagers. It's helped with my relationship with my brother who is going through a tough time. And it really helped with dealing with my xh MLC.

Detachment

Detachment is experiencing our feelings without allowing them to control us.
We step back and look at thing objectively.
We let go and accept what we cannot change.
We detach from others' choices knowing that their spiritual work is not ours to do.
We choose how we will act rather than just reacting.
We step away from harmful cravings.
Detachment is a deep breath of peace and patience in response to unexpected anger.
We can listen without losing ourselves.
With detachment, we see our mistakes honestly, make amends, and start afresh.
Detachment allows us to be in the world but not of it.
It frees us to lead our lives with grace.

[Imgood]

KellBell - Happy to hear things have been going well!

[UrsaMajor]

But a question for the vets here and please respond.  How do you push your MLCer back while asking them to work on themselves first and show you these consistent actions over a long period like a year (so you don’t get your heart broken again), WITHOUT alienating them or having them feel rejected and moving on. None of us take rejection for too Long.  We all have a breaking point.  what’s the best way to navigate this?

You do it like KellBell is doing it, like Acorn did it, like Curiosity did it, like Finding Joy is doing it.... Each Mid-Lifer and each LBS is different so one needs to find what works best for them. Reconnection (according to RCR) is a process that takes a long time (a year or more IIRC) and is full of hard work, not a small amount of tears and pain as the scabs get ripped off and the real work of healing can begin. It is NOT for the faint of heart. Once that is done, THEN the real work of reconciliation starts....

KellBell has made a couple of VERY astute observations - 1) that she sees her H as being lonely and his return as a possible "Plan B" so she is being careful. Darn straight to be careful because she, like each and every one of us is better than a "Plan B." 2) She is taking the time needed to delve into her own feelings about the R, about her Mid-Lifer and is using that time to see if rebuilding is really what she wants, despite his making headway/progress. It is up to KellBell what amount of progress is "enough" for her to be able to trust him again, for the kids to be able to trust him again, and to meld back into a family unit....

[Curiosity]

I just want to chime in to say that Ursa and KellBell are absolutely spot on about reconnection (and Barbie has offered immeasurable wisdom as well). It takes a long time and it can be messy - even if on the surface, it looks like things are going smoothly. Because in the process of reconnecting, you test your own progress - did you truly detach and forgive and heal, or is there still a core of distrust and anger that has to be resolved?

I was definitely concerned that I was a Plan B for my W - she moved back into our home 6 months before she actually specifically said she didn’t want to be separated anymore. Everyone has their own stories and their own journeys, and each one is unique. But for me, it has taken time and consistent, open communication. We don’t dwell on the separation; we rarely discuss it at all, in fact. We have done so before and I’m sure we will again from time to time. But what rebuilds a relationship is the same thing that builds the relationship in the first place - time, and consistency, and openness. You have to be willing and able to trust the other person, but they also have to show they are worthy of that trust by being honest and reliable going forward.