Rack another vote for Option 5 -

In the words of a great philosopher ho was attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in 1981 (it is often incorrectly attributed to Albert Einstein),
"Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result."

You have been there, done that, gotten the T-Shirt and it didn't even fit. Why do it again?

 These things have a way of coming back to haunt the person doing them so I'd recommend sitting back, grabbing some pop corn and wait for karma to do the work God has given it to do. It will all come out at some point. Given your Bishop's recalcitrance at actually DOING anything anyway aside from waggling his finger at the priest, I'm not sure if it would do any good anyway to expose them further.

As for Option 4, unless God has given you the ability to either read minds or see into the future, you DON'T know what her plans are... You ASS-U-ME what her plans are (and you very well may be 100% correct) but it is still an assumption without proof so confronting her is about as useful as going outside into the path of a tornado, yelling at it, waving your arms at it, and expecting it to change is course.....

I don't understand it, still don't. Sometimes I wonder if I could have saved my relationship by doing things differently, because I also understand that a sad, insecure and distrustful girlfriend cannot win against a mistress. She won and I wasn't good enough… I don't know how to deal with this feeling. I find the loss of the children extremely difficult, because I am no longer part of a part of their lives.

He lives his life. He moved in with her quite quickly and looks happy and calm. He is satisfied with the (minimal) interaction with the children. I'm in sackcloth and ashes trying to get myself through the days. I'm afraid that she will take my place with the children and I will lose my children. These are his words... So far I haven't been able to let this go. I live in fear, every day.

She is everything I am not. I'm just normal. She is slim, always made up and her hair done, lots of tattoos. He also has a tattoo since last week, although he never liked it before.

I no longer exist for him. My feelings don't matter, he doesn't congratulate me on my birthday or wish me a happy Mother's Day. Why? I try to continue to act normal, to do the best I can for our children.

Hello Peg, I wonder if you can clarify something - reading this ^^ it seems like your children are with your spouse and OW?  If that is so, maybe you need some extra support regarding custody rights etc.

Regarding the looking happy and calm - that will projected outwards to begin with because they have staked so much on their fabulous choices. But usually it's a loada tosh and the dynamic with the Instant Replacement type OW/OM is usually dysfunctional and eventually falls apart. But, as Ready says 'who cares' - well, we do, to begin with, but a good way to overcome that is to not look at it or hear about it. Let it sink itself.

He doesn't observe your birthday or other occasions because he knows he has done a terrible thing, he feels guilty and not so deep down, ashamed. If he is like a lot of avoidant spouses described on this forum (mine included) he will just shut it all out. You know, like that junk cupboard at home that you can't face dealing with. Shut the door and don't go in there. Eventually, because you keep stuffing stuff in there, the door will bust open and it will all fall out. That's not for you to worry about. Make your own celebration plans - day out with friends, go to the beach with the kids. Whatever you enjoy. Have no expectations from your spouse. Drop all that for now. You do not need him to make you happy. I know that is so hard to hear when you feel so unhappy. You are grieving, and grieving is its own journey. Not generally linear, but mostly we progress forward and out eventually. Grab the moments of joy, they will increase with time. Hugs - KD

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here, but it is a great place to get advice and how to navigate a new norm. My best advice is to get your house in order. Take care of and protect your finances. MLCers are notorious about burning through money. You may have to seek legal advice.

Take the eye off of him and OW. Who cares? You need to focus on your self care and your children. Right now it is hard, but try to find moments of bliss, little tidbits of joy. That is what you build on. Sleep, eat, and a little exercise to get you out of your rut. Once again, this is about you reclaiming you and that no matter what happens, in the end, you will be fine.

Keep posting. Post at least one good moment you had today.

This is a long journey and it takes lots of time. So use it to be good to yourself and your children.

((((Ready))))

I’m an option 5 too.
No benefit to you from what I see…you already know there is an OM, you already know she does not really care how her actions affect you or the kids, you know that you can’t control her choices….everything else is just details.
And after all, who do you have to prove anything to with more ‘evidence’? And why would you repeat a version of what you tried and failed at before?

What I think would be a better use of your mental energy is to start thinking about why/how your wife using the family home as a weekly halfway house when/if it suits her is a good plan for you, my friend? Bc I can see what she gets from it but I’m struggling to see what you do. What ARE your boundaries for how you and your kids live? She has someplace else to live…fine, let her live there full time. She can do her, you do you.

If you keeping your house and primary custody of your kids is important to you, perhaps it would be more fruitful to start thinking about how you can achieve that regardless of your wife’s Swiss Adventures.

But I think the fact that you are even thinking about 1-4 suggests that - perhaps understandably - you really have not yet reached a point of acceptance that what is happening is actually happening with all that entails. And that some bit of you still thinks you can use shame, logic or persuasion to change her actions. What if you just opened your hand and let her go? Bc imho once a spouse physically leaves to live elsewhere, or starts talking about divorce, it’s not a temporary blip and you’re not in Kansas anymore. Your marriage is done….you got no choice in that, but you do have choices in what happens next.

Realistically speaking, any option where you interfere can make your and kids life whole lot more complicated when she goes berserk. And it will definitely not win you love.... So what would be the gain with options 1-4?

As for option #5..... Let God and karma take care of teaching other people, and focus on building best life for you and the kids.

Just my 5 cents worth from cheap seats,

Alvin