[Didot49]

It has taken me a while to get centered enough to write my story. I’ve read tons about MLC, and I’m pretty sure my husband is slap bang in the middle of one!

2015 was a tough year. My husband’s company was bought, and his job stress ramped up. My elder daughter developed PTSD. She left college and was home having meltdowns every week. We moved house, my younger daughter totaled her car.  My husband’s father developed esophageal cancer in November of 2015, and husband became depressed. I made some insensitive comments regarding the lack of intimacy in our relationship in December 2015. I apologized instantly and blamed my anger on my feeling rejected by him.

From that moment on he shut down on me and withdrew all affection and intimacy. We struggled through 2016. He traveled with work more and more. We started therapy in August 2016, but he was hardly ever in town. We must have done 15 sessions in a year. When Home, He spent most of his time asleep. He couldn’t sleep at night, so all his energy went to his job.

In 2017 his father died, he turned 50, was diagnosed with acid reflux and sleep apnea. 2 weeks after his father died he told me he wanted to move out. I kept on hearing that he felt dead inside, numb, just wanted to be alone. In October I was so fed up with being stonewalled that I asked him to move out. He stayed.

I asked him repeatedly if he was having an affair. He always denied it. Checked his location services in December 2017. He was supposed to be on business in California. He was in Breckinridge at a romantic hotel. He admitted to having an affair when challenged. He had taken her away for 3 days.
Confronted him and was told virtually nothing. She’s single, lives out of state. That’s all I know to this day.

He moved out. Told him the door was still open for him. He ended it with her. We did 2 days intensive therapy. He was onboard and halfheartedly dated me. Then he realized that he couldn’t forgive me for lack of support in 2015 and the remarks I made that emasculated him. I know I did everything wrong. Asked him questions, pursued him, tried to talk about the relationship. Urgh!!

In April during a trip away I finally realized he isn’t ready for reconciliation. I told him I’m letting him go, and gave him permission to contact the OW. He phoned her the next day!

I’m trying hard to detach, but am heartbroken. All the usual stuff. I didn’t think an affair was in his DNA. He’s the last person I thought would have a MLC.
He lives in a one bedroom apartment and is happy to have shed his responsibilities.

I don’t talk about the OW. He comes home every other day to walk the dog, have a cup of tea and a chat. He always hugs me and is affectionate.

How cliched is all of this?!

[Savoir Faire]

Pretty Cliched Didot, welcome to the club!

Try to keep reading all the stuff on MLC, it does help.

At the moment, you are both confused and it's a good time to distance yourself so you can think a bit clearer.  Treat your H like a friend and don't be too accommodating with the cups of tea and chats.  If he wants out, let him go.

I am sure you can make arrangements to walk the dog.

The main problem with keeping up this level of contact is that the MLCer really needs time to sort through his issues and attaching himself to you like he is will probably backfire at some stage.

Protect your finances as the MLCers often spend crazily on the OW, it usually ramps up as time goes on.  Protecting yourself doesn't mean divorce, just make sure he can't ruin you.  He's been secretive about the affair and will lie about money too.

Take time for yourself, be busy when he comes around in stead of allowing him to cake eat.

Post as often as you like.  OP will be along to welcome you soon with links to all the articles you will need to survive this.

((((((Hugs))))))

[Didot49]

Thank you, not a club I ever thought I would be a member of!

I have to admit that I have made myself scarce at times when I know my H is coming over. It doesn’t seem to bother him. He texts to let me know the dog has been walked. Today I told him that I can walk the dog, but he said he needs the steps. He walks 10,000 steps every other day. It’s pretty obvious to me that he isn’t just coming to walk the dog. He seems to have a problem letting me go. Ironic really.

Apparently he’s 80% sure he wants a divorce. I lost my cool recently and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, he flipped his lid and said ‘ right if that’s the way you want to play it, we’ll talk through lawyers’. It occurred to me days later that the only thing I threatened to take away was his access to me. I thought his reaction was odd.

I had my first preliminary session with a lawyer yesterday. I wanted to know my rights. I don’t plan to file currently, but I don’t want to be blindsided if he does. It looks like I will be ok financially, but I will be keeping an eye on finances.

We moved into a large house in 2015, and should really have downsized at that point. Both of us hate the house. We have no good memories here at all. He’s gone, and I’m rattling around in this huge house with my daughter, 2 cats and a dog! I think I’m ready to show that I’m moving on. He is supportive of me buying a small house and moving out. I’m worried this will ruin any chance of us reconciling, but I don’t ever see him wanting to live here again anyway. He’s already made a spreadsheet of our furniture to facilitate dividing it up. How thoughtful!

I tried to buy a brand new house this week, but they wanted me to close on it next month and it felt like it was too soon, so I pulled out. I felt very depressed while the whole process was going on, and thought I’d be relieved that it fell though, but actually am really feeling the need to leave this house. I know it sounds like I’m running away too, but it’s really tough to live here without him. A fresh start is really appealing. Moving over the summer would be good for my daughter, so she can get settled.

Thoughts?

[Treasur]

Didot
Yes, it all sounds very familiar, I'm afraid.
Trusting your own instincts is a solid path. I found that when I moved to a new house, it improved my wellbeing tremendously even if it improved nothing in my marital situation.
The truth is that your H is on his own crazy train now and nothing much you do will make any difference to that. But what you do can make a big difference to your own survival and sanity. If your guts says live somewhere new and that the house is an unhappy place, trust that unless there is a strong legal reason for not moving.

[Savoir Faire]

Don't get too wound up with 'moving on' or any divorce talk from your H, it's all been heard before.

Not much a MLCer says is true and only take notice of what he does.

Moving house has no effect on reconciliation or his crisis.  The MLCer is so lost it's difficult to explain just how lost he is.

It's best not to rush into anything as emotionally, you are going through a lot.  Do what YOU want when YOU want to and don't bother what your H thinks, to be honest he doesn't think much about anyone but himself and his own 'happiness'.  It takes them years to see what they have done.

He will try to bait you into fights so don't take the bait.  He needs to be able to blame what he sees as a marriage break-up on you when the real problem is within him.

Stay distant and happy when you see him but don't talk about your relationship.  He may even tell you he wants to return, many do this.  Take everything he says with a grain of salt and focus on you.

[Silver]

Welcome Didot, sorry you had to come but you found the right place.

I had shivers when reading your story, my XW also accused me for not giving her support as she got sick at 2015 (she was sure it was fatal, fortunately it wasn't) and also lost his father at that year. I heard that trough our crisis but understood that it was really part of the script. I could have been better H to her at that point but she really didn't lack support, but saw my intention to stay sane (she wasn't believe me) for kids and our family and not agreeing with her she will die soon as underrating her condition. You know they have right to have their views but it is important to make a difference between what's script and what is not for us.
I hope you are not blaming yourself about that.

Keep us posted, you will find good people and lots of support here.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Didot49]

Thank you all for the words of support. I don’t personally know anyone who has been though this, so it helps to talk to others who get what I’m going though. It’s a lonely spot to be in at times.

Yes, I have spent a lot of time blaming myself, and wondering where I went wrong. H said i was 95% to blame for his depression, he drinks less now because he isn’t with me. The only time he felt uncomfortable in his apartment was the day i came around.

H said he tried his hardest to reconcile, but there’s just no spark. In the last two years he went on and on about the lack of connection between us. He told me that talking to me stresses him. At the time I didn’t realize relationship talks were no go.

He definitely baits me. He told me that he may be moving two states away. When I became upset, he said ‘I knew you would react this way’. He withdrew from me after that. Another time he said that he may have to move to Puerto Rico. By that point I was able to appear nonchalant.

My husband’s friend was the first to call this a MLC. I started reading and finally realized that this was about him, and not me. I couldn’t have prevented this. I learned that they bait us to get a rise in order to justify their decision not to be with us.

The problem is I love him, but I struggle with who he has become. I’m aware that the man I was married to almost 26 years is vastly different to the man he has become. I love him, but I don’t like this new selfish version of him. He said we don’t make each other happy. Doesn’t happiness come from within. It’s not my job to make him happy, nor his job to make me happy. I guess this OW makes him feel more alive. He declared that he is pursuing his own happiness, and surely our girls want him to be happy? He doesn’t seem very happy though. He’s admitted he is barely functioning right now and blames it on lack of sleep.

His company stopped travel recently to save money. Next week he starts traveling again. He travels about 80% of the time normally. This will enable him to see his OW. She flies to stay with him while he is traveling. I’m hoping that now I’ve told them that they can do what they like, that the elicitness has gone, and it will burn itself out. I know he will phone me when he’s away. Probably every few days. I’m so tempted to ignore his calls, but I guess I need to stay friendly if I want him back. Is it better to be less available? Because he complained about lack of support when traveling, in 2015, I hate to play it cool. I don’t want to be a doormat either though.

[Thunder]

Hi Didot,

After reading through your thread so far I don't think taking his calls or not taking them will make a difference, at this point.

If you want to answer, go ahead, but just be light and friendly.  No serious talks about anything.
That's not being a doormat.

If you're not in the mood to be light and breezy with him, don't answer.

If the conversation goes somewhere you don't want it to go, sorry I need to do blah, blah, so I better get going....have a good day.  Bye

You get to control the conversations.

[same33]

Welcome, Didot. Sorry you have to be here. This place is a safe place full of some very caring people that are in/have been through all of the various stages of this.

Please take care!

[Didot49]

Same, thank you. I have already been so impressed by the support given to me.

Thunder, thanks for the advice. I think if I answer I will keep things short. I like the idea of being in control. Up until recently he was in control of every situation. My decision to detach gave me a sense of taking back some control, before that he was dragging me down with him. It’s our 26th wedding Anniversary on Wednesday. Not sure if he’ll call, but I don’t want to talk to him that day, especially with knowing he’s seeing someone else right now.

[Treasur]

I think the magic point - and it takes most of us a while to get there - is you contact him or respond to contact based on how YOU feel and what YOU want. You break the subconscious pattern of 'If I do x, them he will think/do y'. Why? To train your brain to focus on you enough to put your needs first regardless. Because he is not your H right now and the old assumptions and habits won't work.

You can be polite and courteous without being a doormat or a fixer - unless you get bullying, abuse or pure crazy, in which case you step away for a bit. It may make no difference to the outcome for your M or his self-destruction, but it will save your sanity and energy for better things.

[Schratz66]

Welcome Didiot,
None of us wanted to end up here but it’s the best place to land. Of course OW makes him feel alive because it’s a fantasy world he gets to escape to for a couple of days every now and then.
I think if you hate the house and feel like moving then by all means do it. I do not believe it will matter as far as reconciliation goes.
This is crazy and all we can do is what is best for us. Nobody knows what happens down the line, so just make sure you do what you want to do.

[Didot49]

Thank you Schratz, I wish I knew what I wanted. Sometimes I am so sure that we will end up together, at other times I want to divorce him and move on. I know he is lost and confused, but he has ripped our family apart. Both of my girls are depressed, but he refuses to acknowledge that any of this could be due to him.

Yesterday after looking at more houses I drove home in a rage, It was the first time I had felt such pure rage towards him. At the moment I wanted to go no contact. Once I calmed down I knew that was a bad idea. I can’t help wondering if by the time he wakes up finally I won’t want him anymore. There’s also the painful realization that he may never want to be with me again. I see brief glimpses of the old him, but the second he feels slightly stressed he withdraws again.

He has started having really bad insomnia again. He falls asleep easily, but wakes up multiple times through the night and then wakes up really early. He says he is barely functioning, and his work is suffering. This is how he was prior to getting his CPAP machine in December. It’s still working well, so his insomnia must be due to something other that sleep apnea. He is concerned about his mother and my youngest daughters depression, our 26th anniversary approaches too. I don’t know how much these things are to blame for his lack of sleep.

I type this in the movie theater waiting to watch ‘Finding your Feet’ . A movie about a woman who is cheated on, and has to move on. A little to close for comfort I think! However, I’m a Brit living in the US and I couldn’t resist a British movie with a star studded cast, plus the opportunity to wallow in self pity!

[OffRoad]

Hi Didot,

Yours is following MLC script quite well. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I would suggest that you don't tell him to do whatever he wants with OW anymore. It won't make a difference, and in his MLC mind, he could equate that with "Didot doesn't love me anymore, she's pushing me to OW." and throw that at you. They'll throw anything at you to see if it will stick to you. You could say "The Sky is blue." and an MLCer will interpret that as "The sky is really a cloudy grey and she thinks it's blue. She has no respect for my opinion."  No, seriously, it sometimes gets really crazy. It's best to not mention anything he does or doesn't do, unless it's to be polite, like a thanks for helping with something.

Everything is your fault, he will take no responsibility for anything. To this day, I still can't wrap my brain around that, but that's MLC for you.

You mentioned he was concerned about his mother. Is there cause for concern? Or is it just because his dad died?

[Didot49]

OffRoad, his mother started taking anti-depressants about six months after his Dad died. She was doing really well, but the anniversary of his Dad’s death has just passed and it’s seems to have made his mothers depression worse again. She’s always been a bit dramatic anyway, and is prone to saying that she doesn’t want to be here anymore.

Since telling H that I was letting him go, and that he was free to contact the OW, I asked him once if he did. He said yes, because he feels bad about how he split with her and admitted they have arranged to meet up. I thanked him for his honesty and said that they were bound to fall into each other’s arms and start up again. He said not necessarily!

I haven’t mentioned her since, but I’m sure they are talking regularly. He is traveling again from next Monday, so will no doubt be meeting up with her regularly. He has stopped phoning me altogether, I don’t know if this is due to his increased depression or because things are ramping up with her. I am trying to detach and not care. We are separated. He is free to do as he chooses. In letting him go, I knew he would contact her anyway, giving him permission was my way of taking back some control.

My sister says the other day ‘ so your plan of letting him go didn’t work’! That was two weeks ago! I’m playing the long game here. It’s a marathon, not a sprint! My H said he didn’t see a way forward for us and that there was no spark. He wasn’t ready to reconcile anyway. I’m just hoping I have done the right thing. Before that I was clinging on to him for dear life, and that wasn’t working for sure.

This whole situation is so tough. I second guess myself all the time. I know that to come back he has to see me as the better option. Even in letting him go, I told him that I still had hope for us. He figures he’s given it his all ( yeah right!).

[OffRoad]

I suppose that is my point. Do what you do for you, not trying to control the situation. We didn't break them, we can't fix them and the only person we have control of is ourselves. (i.e You are not his mother to give him permission to do *whatever*, if you see what I mean.) Letting him go, that is for you. You can't control him, anyway, so better to leave him to his MLC and take care of yourself and your kids. Sure, be kind, pave the way. Treat him as feels right to you. If you only do what you need for yourself and your kids, with no thought of how it will affect your MLCer, you won't have to second guess anything because you are being true to yourself. For myself, I never told my MLCer I set him free or really anything. I just left him to his own devices, since he didn't care a whit for my feelings anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Him saying he's given it his all it script, you know that. No spark, script. No way forward, script. In his mind, there is something external out there (OW at the moment) that is going to make him HAPPY! He doesn't realize that true happiness comes from within.

Your sister will not understand. She will likely think you should "just move on". It took a while for me to get my family to understand that I was going to hold on until (I didn't know "until" what at the time, but I was going to stand until I couldn't any longer). My until happens to be when the Divorce finally comes through (if ever), and my family was thrilled when they discovered I at leave had a time frame.They only want what they think is best for me, but they don't understand.

I can understand the anniversary of his father's death being a trigger for his mom. It may well be a trigger for him, too, and he is projecting his own upset by being worried about his mom. It's a way to avoid his own feelings.

Yes, this is very tough. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I look at the folder on my computer I created for all the documents I knew I'd have when I started all this, and I still remember the pain and sorrow from when I created it. But 3 years later, I don't feel it so much anymore. Three years seemed like an eternity back then. It does get easier.

[Didot49]

OffRoad, when put like that, I get your point. I should have left him to it, but at that point I was caught in the trap of wanting relationship talks. Since finding out that he did contact the OW, and set up a meeting, I have laid off talking about us or the OW. I have backed off completely and given him space. Unfortunately the more space I give him the more he seems to withdraw.

To be honest it was all exhausting me emotionally and I really needed some space from him too.

I can’t figure out what stage he is at given that he seems to be in replay, depression and withdrawal all at once. How is an extremely depressed guy with low self esteem atttractive to anyone?

[nah]

I can’t figure out what stage he is at given that he seems to be in replay, depression and withdrawal all at once. How is an extremely depressed guy with low self esteem atttractive to anyone?

Well, a guy like that would not be attractive to a normal person.  The other women tend to be broken themselves.

[Didot49]

So, it’s been an interesting week! I have felt such anger all week, bordering on rage. My 26th wedding anniversary was Wednesday. I had told my husband that I didn’t want to celebrate it in any way. On the morning of the anniversary I found a card on the drivers seat of my car. Not an actual anniversary card, and he didn’t mention the word anniversary. He thanked me for our girls and the good years, and wished me well in the future. I have to confess that the card felt like a slap across the face. I was pleased that he FaceTimed me briefly that night. Again, no mention of the day, but it felt like progress that he called. I kept the conversation light. I think it went pretty well.

H deliberately planned a overnight business trip for that day. I knew I would mope around the house if I didn’t make plans so I booked a spa day with a friend. We went for happy hour after and then I spent the evening at my bookclub. It turned out to be quite a nice day considering.

Today my daughter is at a formal weekend with her boyfriend. I knew the formal was due to be in Breckenridge, which is where my husband, was with the OW, when I discovered his affair. Just received photos from her and she’s at the exact same hotel where my husband and his OW stayed for three days. Definitely triggering! I won’t tell my daughter the significance of where she is. Feeling sad though.

[Didot49]

I haven't posted for a while. H's insomnia got worse and he withdrew a bit more. Phone calls became infrequent. H still walked the dog occasionally, but he had been quiet and more depressed lately. He recently discovered that he had gallstones, so needed to have his gall bladder removed.

He lives alone, the OW that he may or may not still be involved with is out of state, so I offered to drive him to and from the outpatient surgery center. He told me he had friends he could ask. Without thinking I told him that I was still his wife and wanted to be there for him. He blew up at me and said that I was making this about me and that it wasn't about me, it was about him! I texted him later with some damage control, basically telling him that I knew that I'm not his go to person anymore and that I understood that he might prefer to ask a friend for help, however if he changes his mind I am happy to help out.

A couple of days later I found out that he had booked the surgery for the day I fly home to England for a couple of weeks. However we had both forgotten that my flight wasn't until late in the evening. When I realized I dropped it into the conversation and left it at that.

The weekend before his surgery (it was scheduled for the next Wednesday) some texts turned into more involved conversation and I asked him to come over and talk. I think I was nervous about my upcoming trip as I was due to stay with his mother, and hadn't seen his family since we separated. Anxiety always seems to lead to me saying more than I should. Anyway, we talked. He told me that I am doing better without him. My reply was that I don't need him, but I want him, and that I'm devastated about what happened to us. He admitted he's almost come back several times and has thought about asking me on a date. I couldn't resist asking him if he is still involved with the other woman. He said he doesn't care about himself, so how could he care for someone else. He said he isn't involved with her. I asked if she thinks she is his partner, and he didn't answer. Taking this with a pinch of salt!

He said he hates what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I told him people with low self esteem often have affairs. He said he has no self esteem. He also said he is lost and needs to find himself. Pretty classic MLC speak. The interesting thing is he also said that he thinks we are messing up the kids lives. He told me it stressed him to talk like that to me. He left to go back to his apartment, but texted me shortly after to ask if I wanted to join him for lunch and a movie. While at lunch he told me he thinks he's having a MLC! I have never suggested to him that he is having one. I did however joke, a couple of weeks prior, that I was having one. This was to make him curious about MLC. Not sure if my strategy worked, or if he would have thought about it himself anyway. Anyway the point is he seems to be doing some introspective thinking, which is encouraging. Before this I was fearful that he wouldn't do any of the deep thinking required to move through this.

He came over to spend time with me for a couple of hours at a time for the next three days in a row, and face timed one of the evenings to apologize for something very trivial, that hadn't even registered with me.

Back to the gallstones! Two days before surgery he texts my D20 and I and says can one of you pick me up after surgery? I immediately volunteered (even though it was tempting to tell him to stuff it!). His surgery was supposed to be done at 9am. I was there at 8am, but was called in at 10am just as he was coming around. He was fine for a short while, but then started having breathing difficulties. His oxygen saturation levels started dropping and he had a panic attack. After giving him oxygen and something to calm him down they decided to keep him longer for observation. I held his hand for the next 3 and a half hours while he slept.

His doctor eventually decided H was ok to go home. H insisted on being driven to his apartment even though a nurse told me that he shouldn't be left alone. I'm not sure if it was due to the Percocet he was given but he rested his hand on my thigh on the way back. He thanked me for helping him multiple times and told me he loves me twice. I haven't heard that in a long time. Obviously due to the fact that he was medicated I am trying not to read anything into his actions. It is really hard not to analyse all of his actions over the past week. A kiss on the nose or a hand placed on the small of my back has me wondering if intimacy is inching its way back into our relationship?

Even my daughter's both said that their dad is somehow suddenly different. The question is, is this the beginning of an awakening or cycling? I'm trying not to get my hopes up as he is still blaming me for lack of support. I know he could still be years away from getting through this, but he has been so different this past week that it gives me hope. 

[Savoir Faire]

MLCers often reach out when sick.  Unfortunately, you probably shared way too much with him and he will run a mile since this type of contact messes with their head and they have to run away to convince  themselves you were bad from the beginning (as they first thought).

I have no doubt he has insight, most do even if they don't say so but the likelihood of this mess being over soon is low.

Best to get on with your life and leave him to it.  Once he has regained his strength, he will have many options about the direction of his life and being prepared for the worst case scenario if often best for the LBS.

We all have expectations of our spouses, even if we try hard not to.  He may well come back one day but for now it's a good time for him to think and for you to get a life of your own and you will be a more attractive force when you are a strong, independent woman.

[Didot49]

Thanks for the advice Savoir Faire. Yep, he's already withdrawing again. I'm working hard to detach, but finding it difficult. However I am proud to say that I am working on myself. I'm looking to return back to work. I had my first interview last week. I've lost 45 pounds, and I'm getting tons of compliments about how well I look (which is a morale boost for sure). I have taken up golf with some female friends. I am accepting almost every invitation to go out. I just attended a brilliant Kentucky Derby party, a royal wedding party, and I'm off to a Charity Gala the week after next. I belong to a book club and a Bunco group too!

 If nothing else I'm staying busy! I have plenty of times where I'm very low, but for the most part I'm able to pick myself up and carry on. The uncertainty gets to me. I understand completely why a LBS would decide they've had enough, and start a divorce. I'm realistic enough to know this is far from over. There's still too much anger and blame directed at me. I'm not done yet though.

[Whyus]

Just catching up and your sounding good Didot. Your not as attached as you would like to be it seems but that is totally normal. We all think that we are attached until we get triggered and it all Comes flooding back..
Be careful with your expectations, they can be your biggest enemy and will Keep you stuck in Limbo if you let them.

All the best from a Brit in Germany.

[Treasur]

I'm so sorry you're here, Didot, but hope you find the support you need. With hindsight, just as there is an MLC 'script', I think there is an LBS one too. We all struggle with similar 'unanswerable' questions until we reach our own points of clarity. One of the big shifting points is when we really accept the limited impact of what we might say or do on our spouse, but start to choose ways of behaving that meet our evolving needs.

Talk to him, or not, because it serves YOU and feels do-able for you. When it doesn't, stop or change tack. The LBS journey is a bit trial and error, I think, but perhaps it is much more about who you are and what works for you than about creating any particular reaction from your spouse if that makes sense?

[Didot49]

I’ve just read through my previous posts, and the thoughtful replies. Thank you Whyus and Savvy. I realized I hadn’t thanked you before. It’s been a while since I posted. Back at the end of May my husband admitted he was thinking of coming back. He then had Gall Bladder surgery, and was uncharacteristicly affectionate. I went home to England for a couple of weeks and returned to the US to a husband that was distant and cold. As predicted I guess my kindness to him during his time around surgery, had him running away having to convince himself that I am a bad person. I had told everyone at home that things were looking hopeful. It really set me back emotionally to realize that wasn’t the case.

In truth I think there was some jealousy as I spent time with his family in the UK, and they threw me an early birthday party. He totally withdrew from me in June. In early July he turned up with a new set of golf clubs for me and roses. Apund the same time his boss left and he was asked to step into the interim role. At the time he was still only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. He was still struggling with acid reflux, and very overweight, yet they thought he was the person to take on a very challenging role! He’s still doing the job. To keep his head above water in this role he had to work 15 hour days. I think he used the job to run away from the grief he’s still feeling following his father’s death over a year ago, and to run away from the marriage issues. Even though the job is really too much for him he applied for it, but his ego has been bruised because he didn’t make it past the first interview, and in fact someone below him is in the running. I think people at work are finally figuring out that he’s not doing well. A friend of mine told me that someone at work told her husband that my H needs to start taking care of himself.

I’m still having issues detaching, but trying to be gentle with myself. I know this takes time. I found out H did go back to the OW. I found a car rental agreement that revealed she lives in Austin. I realized that he was away one weekend. I should have left it, but of course couldn’t resist calling him and confronting him on the Saturday morning. I told him that as long as he is in touch with her I don’t want to see or talk to him. I also told him that I didn’t want any birthday gifts from him, as gifts are his love language and anything from him is tainted!

The next mistake was visiting his apartment unannounced at 11pm for a chat. I was able to speak quietly and calmly with him. He told me that he went to her to finish with her. He said he needs to concentrate on his job and our kids. I have no idea if he finished with her at all, if he finished with her because I issued an ultimatum. He said i don’t need to know what he’s doing and he doesn’t need to know what I’m doing. I told him that i knew that marriage was over, but i had been hoping that we could create a new marriage together. I embarrassed myself by asking to stay the night😔 He admitted later that this freaked him out!

He came over to the family house the next day to mow the lawn. I apologized for coming over the night before. I knew he would feel that i violated his ‘ safe space’ . He said ‘you had every right to do that. You don’t have a safe space’ then he burst into tears. I had to leave to go to chorus. He was still there when I got back, he was watching TV with D22. He stayed for a while and then left without saying much more.

We had a further discussion a few days later. He suggested coming over. He told me that my visit to his apartment gave him anxiety, and that he’d had a panic attack at the family home the next day. I know he’s very fragile. I’m not sure if his anxiety is from me finding out about OW still being on the science or from the confrontation. He told me he fears coming back as the last two years were horrendous ( I agree, they were). He complained that I never listen to him, or allow him an opinion, and the OW listens to him. I said he can’t promise to never see her again. That prompted me to throw half a glass of gin and tonic at him ( I’m not proud of that). He told me he wants a divorce, but it became obvious that he doesn’t have a lawyer, and hasn’t the faintest idea about how the divorce process works. I told him I won’t contest a divorce, and will respect his wishes. I also said that I won’t instigate a divorce, as I don’t want one. The evening ended with us both angry. However he still poops around the next morning to work on some photo albums he is copying. He was around the next day too. I’m puzzled as to why he was anxious the evening after I calmly spoke to him at his apartment, but fine the day after a heated discussion.

My 50th birthday was a few days later. He had made a photo album for me, which involved a ton of work, he flew my sister out from England as a surprise, he also bought me some of my favorite Emma Bridgewater pottery, a heart pandora bead, and a few other bits and pieces. We went for a walk and he took my sister and I for lunch. He thanked me for allowing him to be part of my day (weakly, I didn’t have the heart to exclude him).

The most disheartening thing is the realization that he’s still very much in replay. I had read that it wasn’t wise to get caught up in what stage they were at, but rather foolishly convinced myself he was in withdrawal, because he had withdrawn from me. His view right now is too much has been said and done and we can’t recover from this. It is now obvious that he still has years of this to go through, and I think he’s 3-4 years in. It’s soul destroying. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. He keeps telling me that he’s suffered the death of a thousand cuts. He still has so much blame for me. Sometimes I want to tell him that I never want to see him again. I know I love him, but it feels like he’s killing off the love I have for him. This is so hard and crazy.

I’m still struggling with the idea that I should sell the family home and move out. I’ve had so many people telling me that he will take this as a sign that I’m giving up. I feel like I need to do the 180 and show him I’m moving on. It’s not a bluff. I really feel like I need to make my own life. There aren’t many house coming on the market, and I’m quite down about what’s in my price range, but I think it will feel good to have my own place.

I’m sorry this post is so long. I think it will help me to post more regularly, so I’ll
try to do that. Thanks for listening.

[Thunder]

Hi Didot,

Try to remember what RCR says about reply.

Many of you come here and start a thread and somewhere on your post comment that you either don't know where your MLCer is in the stages, or that maybe he or she is in Depression or Withdrawal. So before you look through the resources and try to place your MLCer somewhere within the stages...
If your Bomb Drop was less than a year ago, your MLCer is in Replay.
If your Bomb Drop was within the last 18 months, your MLCer is in Replay.
If your Bomb Drop was within the last 24 months there is still a good chance that your MLCer is in Replay.


I think sometimes it's hard to tell where they are on their journey.  The stages take a long time and can even overlap, or not go in sequence, just to confuse us more.   

Just keep trying to detach as much as you can.

[Savoir Faire]

I guess my kindness to him during his time around surgery, had him running away having to convince himself that I am a bad person. I had told everyone at home that things were looking hopeful. It really set me back emotionally to realize that wasn’t the case.

There is nothing wrong with treating the MLCer well while they are ill.  The biggest problem here were your expectations he would return at this time.

To keep his head above water in this role he had to work 15 hour days. I think he used the job to run away from the grief he’s still feeling following his father’s death over a year ago, and to run away from the marriage issues.

He is probably using the job as part of his MLC, the ow will be the other factor.  MLCers HAVE to stop the noise in their heads and working long hours or having an ow to make themselves feel better about themselves is important for them to stop thinking about what they did to you.  Both are just band aids and don't work out well in the end.

I’m still having issues detaching, but trying to be gentle with myself. I know this takes time. I found out H did go back to the OW. I found a car rental agreement that revealed she lives in Austin. I realized that he was away one weekend. I should have left it, but of course couldn’t resist calling him and confronting him on the Saturday morning. I told him that as long as he is in touch with her I don’t want to see or talk to him. I also told him that I didn’t want any birthday gifts from him, as gifts are his love language and anything from him is tainted!

Keep working on the detachment Didot, it will be your best friend if you can get there.  Of course he went back to the ow, most do.  Confronting him yields no answers and just causes more pain.  He will lie to you anyway, so poking the bear makes you look desperate and weak.  Try to take a deep breath between contact and write down how you feel instead of contacting him and then throw the paper away.  Once it's down on paper, it diffuses the emotion in you and helps to stop you phoning him.  Talking to him about the ow in any way isn't a great idea either, it drives him to her.  You are also still trying to steer the crisis in telling him about your birthday gift, he's a big boy now, let him decide what he gets - you get to throw it out if you don't want it.

Most of us were in co-dependent   relationships and forget we actually don't own these men, their feelings or actions.  Step back and leave him to it.  NOTHING you do will make any difference.  This is NOT a marriage problem, it's MLC and that's a different animal all together.

The next mistake was visiting his apartment unannounced at 11pm for a chat. I was able to speak quietly and calmly with him. He told me that he went to her to finish with her. He said he needs to concentrate on his job and our kids. I have no idea if he finished with her at all, if he finished with her because I issued an ultimatum. He said i don’t need to know what he’s doing and he doesn’t need to know what I’m doing. I told him that i knew that marriage was over, but i had been hoping that we could create a new marriage together. I embarrassed myself by asking to stay the night😔 He admitted later that this freaked him out!

BIG mistake Didot, MLCers hate having discussions about your relationship and quite frankly, are incapable of any logic or feeling, so save yourself the pain.  The ultimatum was plain foolishness, as there is no way you can MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to.  You don't own him, he has left you.

The remainder of your post goes over these things again I suppose and I remember when I was in the early stages, doing all sorts of stupid things to 'make him come back' which I now know doesn't work.

When I found out my H was having a MLC, I came here to HS and posted for support and read the articles over and over until I got it into my head, what this crisis was all about.  I posted on other's threads and posted here before doing anything, so I wouldn't make stupid mistakes.  There were many times I didn't listen to what the people who had been going through this for a long time told me and did silly things.  Once I started listening, things improved.

I can now see how desperate and fearful I was.  you also seem to be taking advice from friends too much.  Make your own decisions and don't worry about what they think.  You have to find yourself in all this Didot and get stronger.  Doing this alone or with friends who really don't get MLC is a recipe for disaster.  The more you push your H, the more he runs.

I can only advise you read about MLC and understand it better.  He has issues from his childhood he needs to get through and he has to do this alone, away from you.
 
Learn how to mow the lawn.  Become the strong, independent woman he will want to be with when he comes out of this crisis.  Doing things for you will only serve to make him feel guilty about what he has done.  It would be good for you to have some distance from him so you can work your head out first.  Keep away from any relationship talks as the way he see things is that there is no relationship any longer.

Sorry my advice is blunt, but you need to get a handle on all of this and strengthen your stand.  You can see he's conflicted, be the lighthouse that brings him home, weakness and neediness will drive him away.  The last thing he needs is someone who is clinging to him, leave that for the ow who is a shadow of who you are.

He didn't leave you to find someone better than you, he left to find someone worse than himself.  He did.

[Didot49]

Thank you Thunder, yes I read it was unwise to get too fixated on the stages, and did it anyway. I think I will need to keep on reading the MLC rules and keep on trying to detach.
Savvy, I appreciate straight talk, so I value your response. I keep making mistakes, but know that I can never turn up at his apartment again, have to stop talking about the OW, need to stop any relationship talk and have to move forward and concentrate on myself.
I do however, have a question. H says that I cause him anxiety. I’m not sure if this is guilt, or induced by the few relationship talks I’ve mistakenly started. Is this something they often claim?
My 20 year old daughter’s boyfriend just cheated on her, and broke up with her for someone else. This has resulted in her lashing out at H. She has told him that he and her ex have destroyed her trust in men. H is really sad for her, but doesn’t seem to get the parallels at all. He actually told me the other day that he thinks he treats me really well! Absolutely delusional. I stayed silent!
On the plus side, I joined a chorus and we just performed last night. The theme was resilience. Couldn’t have been more apt! I’ve also just started my application for a Master of Library Science. Sometimes I am feeling as if I am truly moving forward.

[Savoir Faire]

Lovely to hear from you Didot, I am glad you get something from my posts, if they are sometimes straight talking, it's because we all need a bit of that at times.  I spent too much tome being too nice to my xH and the potential for him to walk all over me was there.  It was the wonderful people of HS who saved me and changed my thinking so I was able to be kind but very firm and not take any rubbish from him.

We spend a lot of time trying to keep them happy and fixing them at the beginning and it's out of fear of losing them,  The truth is, they are already gone from our lives for now and there is nothing we can do but make our own lives special.

Your H saying you cause him stress is actually not true, because no one can MAKE anyone stressed, he is responsible for any reaction he has to anything you say.  It is true that anything we ask them to do they see as 'pressure' and pressure makes them run.  that's the reason we promote self care and getting on with our lives, not asking them for help in any way because they see all requests and questions as 'pressure' and they can't cope, especially from the LBS because they feel such immense guilt after all they have done.  They will never admit to this until they are well out of crisis, but it's the truth they can't face at the moment.

Him saying this is part of the MLC script It's the poor, poor pitiful me syndrome

I'm sure the thinks he treats you well, he has to tell himself this to alleviate the guilt.  He actually does know he doesn't treat you well.

Your chorus sounds like fabulous therapy, it's great for us to do new things and take the focus off the MLCer for a while.

[Didot49]

I have to write while this is still fresh. Back in April I asked my H to read Michelle Wiener-davis’ book ‘The Divorce Remedy’. He took the book, and nothing more was said about it until September when we had an argument about his return to seeing OW, which resulted in what I like to refer to as ‘the gin sling’! He told me that night he wanted a divorce, and I asked him to read ‘The Divorce Remedy’ before he makes a hasty decision. As an aside he has mentioned divorce twice upto today. Once near the anniversary of his dead father’s death, and once just before his father’s birthday; both obviously  times of grief and stress for him.

Things kind of plodded along for a while. I gave him space, didn’t call him at all, and didn’t ask when or if he was coming over. I made no demands on his time at all. He still came over from time to time to walk the dog and have a cup of tea. We also went out for the odd lunch. He never asked me out in the evening, as he knew I would consider it to be a date. Just before Thanksgiving he invited me and D20 out to see a movie and for lunch. At the restaurant he announced he would be reading over Thanksgiving (he used to read a lot, but hardly at all these days). It turns out he was planning to read the book I gave him.

The day before Thanksgiving he came over to the house. We sat chatting over a cup of tea, he looked into my eyes, and burst into tears saying that he was going to a therapist that afternoon. I asked if he had chosen one that deals with trauma, as I believe his Dad’s death traumatized him. He answered that he had chosen one that was right for his needs, but mentioned it was a non Christian man, as he didn’t want to be judged. He also shared that he had come close to a mental breakdown,
Around Christmas he told me that he had read a book on mindfulness, and was putting it into practice.
He also finished ‘The Divorce Remedy’. He spent a lot of time at the house over Christmas, but I know that was to be around our daughters. He was relaxed and seemed happier in general. He asked me out for dinner for the first time since March, and suggested we pick a time to discuss the book together.
That day was today. I was very nervous as in the days leading upto our talk he kept on saying he didn’t want to be in limbo anymore, and that we both deserve to be happy. Finally this morning he assured me that he wasn’t planning to drop a bombshell.

He started off our talk saying that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t still be married. He recognized that I had done the work on myself to change, but he was nervous that the changes weren’t permanent, and that we would both revert to our previous character traits. He had a number of complaints about me listed out. Spending too much money, being unappreciative, being difficult to travel with, comments I made that humiliated him, having a different work ethic to him, amongst others. He said he traveled so much as he had been unhappy in the marriage for three years, and had anxiety about coming home from work (I think guilt over his affair may be a factor here). He finally expressed real remorse over the affair, and said he made a mistake and shouldn’t have done that. He owned the fact that he didn’t communicate with me or try to fix the marriage. He admitted to giving up.

He told me the OW was there for him when he needed someone, but he ended the relationship as it wasn’t working. She had become disillusioned with him not divorcing me, and withhis baggage, the baggage being me! At this point I could not resist saying that she shouldn’t have got involved with a married man, and he agreed. He also admitted she had her own set of problems, which totally tied in with the idea that the OW is as broken or more so than they are.

He admitted to seeing me in a very negative light, and said he knew it was unfair. He also said that he know he’s put a lot of blame on me and that he still harbors a lot of resentment to me. He said he needs time to work on himself, and then he will make 1, 5 and 10 year mission statements and share them with me. He honestly doesn’t know if he still wants to be married, but aims to make a decision in the next 6 months.
To be honest I feel an enormous sense of peace from talking with him. Goodness only knows if our marriage will survive, but I know I’ve done my best to save it. If he decides to pull the plug I know I’ll be ok, and after tonight I think we may even manage to salvage a friendship at least. It felt good to finally hear an apology, to have some really open and honest conversation, and to have certain suspicions about OW confirmed. They shoot themselves in the foot when they make demands! He knows he has nothing to give anyone right now. He has to build himself up again. He said he had been a closed book himself upto now because he didn’t know what he wanted. I hope my sharing this has been helpful in some way. At least it gives some insight into how they think. I really felt before Thanksgiving that he was starting to wake up. He was so anti-therapist, it shocked me that he was willing to go to one. He’s British, as am I, and they don’t seem so open to therapy in general.

As for me, I start my first real job in 23 years tomorrow in a local library. I also start a masters in Library Science mid month. I can really say I’m getting a life. 2019 is looking good. Here’s wishing you all the best for this year.

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Didot, thanks for posting about your H and his confessions about the affair and his crisis.

It does seem like he has remorse for the things he has done but his comment about not knowing if he wants to be married and would make a decision in the next six months, totally slammed me. 

How jolly nice of him to give you such a reprieve

As you will know, most MLC's lasts from 2-7 years and most here would think at the two year mark, it would be a transition rather than a crisis.  He does seem to want to be with your girls but beware that he may go back into the tunnel now that he's made these statements to you as may run scared.

I hope he sticks with the IC and makes good progress but your best advice would be to keep living your life and making improvements as the likelihood he is 'cooked' is slim at this point in time.

The fact he is still listing your faults is a big red flag, I hope you listed yours about him?  No one is perfect and his complaints about you are quite ridiculous for someone who's been married for a long time.  He should have been able to talk to you rather than having an affair.

It would be easy to get caught up in being too happy he's showing signs of getting through this, but I would still be very careful of him and take things easy.  Look for actions rather than words from now on as MLCers are horrible liars and returning MLCers usually show remorse with actions.

I wish you well, keep posting for support.

[Didot49]

Thanks Savvy, he’s been in midlife crisis since i think 2015, Unfortunately I only realized what was going on the beginning of last year after I found out about the affair. He had emotionally cut me off years before that. I had bought into the old cliches about MLC, I didn’t realize there was so much more to it.

I’m under no illusions about his statement about a decision in 6 months. There’s no way he’ll be in a place by then to work on the marriage. I think at that point he’ll buy a house and we’ll probably divorce. He’s in a hurry to make a decision.  My happiness stems from the realization that there really is nothing I can do right now to change how he feels. Somehow it’s freeing. My conscience is clear. I have tried my hardest to save this marriage. The kids have seen it and commented on it. His remorse gave me a sense of peace. Sometimes all we want is a genuine apology. As he was talking it occurred to me that he’s still dragging up the same rubbish. None of it good reason to walk away from a 34 year relationship. It’s actually laughable! I called him out on his lack of communication, the affair and his complete disregard for me. I was happy after he left not because our marriage has a chance. I have no idea what will happen, but tonight at least I realized that I’m happy to leave him to his little crisis. My wedding ring has been off for some time now, and I’m leaving myself open to different possibilities.

[Didot49]

Our girls are 20 and 22, so although he’s drawn closer to them recently, he wouldn’t see them as a reason to stay in the marriage. They were both home for Christmas, which was why he was home so much.

He asked if I wanted to end the marriage now. I think he would rather I make the decision. I may eventually, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. Unfortunately this evening showed me that he’s still all about blaming and projection.

[Savoir Faire]

You are sounding good Didot, you will need to stay as detached as possible over the next months.

If he's been in crisis since 2014, he may well be cooking very slowly but it hit me that you 'think' he's been in crisis so long because when my H H BD'd me, life was like a tornado after that, there was no question it was a MLC, as his behavior was erratic and simply crazy.  He couldn't wait to be rid of me and all the other usual MLC stuff.


MLCers confessions are usually drama filled but your H seems less so.  I'm glad he's been mostly civil to you but I wouldn't allow him to win with the divorce in six months.  If he wants a divorce, MLCers need to do ALL the work.  It's not what we want and certainly don't need to be reminded that we ended the marriage, they would love that one Would add to all the other terrible things we are.  If he ends up wanting an end to the marriage, make sure he does that.

Make sure you are financially secure either way, their behavior escalates if they find a new ow. sort the financials but leave the divorce to him.

I wish you all the luck with him in the next months and do hope he's genuine.

All the best with your new job, what a time for that to happen!!

[Didot49]

First bomb drop was December 2015, but deliberate disconnection starting in 2014, and weird comments and behavior through 2014 and 2015; Irritability, and depression. If a bombdrop is the marker.  He’s only 3 years into this. Certainly seems like he’s got a good year or two at least to come through this (if he ever does).

Detaching was initially very difficult. It’s been getting easier. With the new job and studying I’ll be too busy for his shenanigans. I’m welcoming the distraction. Savvy, I will follow your advice as regards the divorce. I have a lawyer lined up already, and a divorce coach. Should he decide to go forward with Divorce I’m ready. Financially I know I’ll be ok. I’m very fortunate in that respect. As hideous as he has been at times, he’s reasonable with finances.

Thanks for the good wishes and advice. It’s good to get a different perspective on all of his absolute rubbish. I’m still in shock sometimes. He was so solid and dependable. C’est la vie!

[hopeandfaith]

Thanks for the update Didot.  You are clearly not new to this and I have no doubt that 2019 will be a great year for you no matter what happens.

It will be interesting to see where your H goes with his path now.  I think its fairly normal for him to test the waters in the way he has (still with blame) and I think you have definitely left a door open should you both decide to walk through it later.  It sounds like he is open to looking at things differently now or he wouldn't be reading, seeing an IC and talking to you.

All the best

[Savoir Faire]

Glad to be of help Didot.  I'm still in shock to a degree and it's been over five years, it gets easier but never really goes away.

I had to be very careful with my xH as he was very aggressive about money and the divorce which he finally got all by himself (online) 

I'm honestly of the belief if they want a divorce, they should have to go through a ceremony similar to that of the marriage.  Pretty sure m any divorces would be stopped if they had to look into our eyes.

Keep up the good work and post here for support.  I have no idea how I would have survived without the people here.

[Didot49]

Savvy, and Hope and faith, thanks for the encouragement. I’ll keep plodding along. This year will be an interesting one for sure!

 H has invited my daughters and me to the movies at the weekend. I was tempted to say no, but our former marriage counselor advised accepting all family invitations. My youngest leaves for a study abroad program in Spain in 10 days, so I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to spend more time with her either.

I went to a Sound Bath Ceremony Mediation this evening. It’s supposed to shift energy and relieve stress and anxiety. I have to admit I felt a bit tearful afterwards. I found it relaxing, and  would definitely go again.

[Treasur]

Thunder is quite right.
And being nice? Well, you don't want this version back do you? Or to be a punchbag for his justifications?
Do what is best for you. Let him run off on his crazy train.
Not sure about the advice from your ex-MC tbh, so probably better to trust your own instincts and what serves you best. If your first reaction was to say no, why not stick with that and just let him go with your daughters? It's a few hours, no biggie in the grand scheme of things.  Use the time to do something nicer for you with no eggshells or MLC drama involved perhaps.

With a bit of detachment, of course, as you say you can start to see the ridiculousness of what they say. 95% responsible for his depression? Ridiculous. If that were true, you would have clicked your fingers and restored him to the h you knew lol.

Any new thoughts about a house move?

[Savoir Faire]

Do what you want Didot and not your MC . I hope your MC rfealises this is not a typical marriage break-up and a MLC?

Some of these counselors are pretty useless.  If you want to go to the movies go, if you don't let him take the girls while you take a break.

[Didot49]

Still wading through the muck! My daughter left for a semester abroad in Europe. 5 days into her trip she was drugged and assaulted. H turned up at 6 in the morning to break the news, and we decided to fly to Europe immediately. We had separate rooms in the hotel, and were able to see our daughter and be loving supportive parents. She’s doing ok, and the incident is being investigated. She opted to stay there, and seems to have a good support network. I’m still worried about her, but hoping she can recover from this.
While there together H and i got on really well. H decided he wouldn’t tell his mother about what happened to D20, as he didn’t think she could handle it. He had to go to England to see her directly after our trip to mainland Europe.
When he got back we went out to Adam Sandler one night and Elton John the next, and had a fantastic time. We talked on the way home from the concert, and he leaned over and kissed me when he dropped me off. It was instigated by him and took me by surprise. He hasn’t kissed me in over two years. A few days later I was in classes all day, so he said he would cook for me. One thing led to another and .......He next day he traveled to Europe on business and he was gone for two weeks. During that time I accidentally let slip to his mother that we were in Europe together. She asked me about my studies and told her about having to do an all night study session in Europe. I also dropped my husband in it, because something i said indicated he was there. I didn’t say why, I made excuses and ended the call. I immediately told H what I had done, and he was so angry that his mother would think he was a liar. He had to do some damage control so told her we flew over because our D was having problems settling in.
Well here we are two weeks after our intimate evening together and I found out today he’s still angry, and basically it’s made him think that he can’t be with me. Apparently I’m too scattered, he isn’t patient enough. It’s not fair for me to be walking on eggshells. He can’t be what I want and doesn’t know if he wants to be. He’s talking like he’s going to pull the plug when he sees me. He got back today and sees his therapist after work. I found out recently that his therapist is promarriage, which is good.
I’m left wondering how long I can put up with this rubbish. He’s still saying he’s anxious because of us. Apparently he was anxious after our night together. I thought he was coming through this, but he definitely seems to be so scared of the idea of getting back with me. So disheartening! I felt like a love sick teen after that kiss. There was a spark, and I know he felt it too. He wants to talk in the next day or two. Advice please!

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Didot and sorry you're going through a hard time.

I am not surprised your H has become angry again, being intimate with you would scramble his brain and make him question his choice to leave you.

Your H has been in crisis for a very short time and unfortunately, as we have seen here many times, the chance of this being the end of his crisis is slim.  Most MLC's take up to seven or more years to get through this and if your BD was in 2017, it's probably a touch and go.  It's also possible he's in a transition rather than crisis but the only way to know is to wait and see.

I wish there was better news.  Now is the time to back off, if he hasn't done this already. Back to treating him kindly and allowing him to be around you if that's what you want.  I know how easy it is to get caught up in believing he is getting well and certainly don't beat yourself up for what you've done.  We've all been where you are now and the best thing for you to protect your heart is detachment and if that means having little contact, it's what has to happen.  Back to GALing and leaving him to his crisis.

Many Hugs ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[UrsaMajor]

What Savvy said.....

Doin' the Wild Thang has scrambled his eggs and he's left with a gloppy mess.... and he knows he caused it so ...

His anger is his distraction to keep from being confronted with the reality of what is going on and what he has done....

[Didot49]

Thanks for you responses Savvy and UM, you are both right of course. He couldn't handle intimacy between us. My first bomb drop, ILYBINILWY, was at the end of 2015. H left at the end of 2017. I still don't know how long the affair was gong on for. I know this is still early as regards MLC, and it's obvious he is nowhere near coming through this. Still in replay.

H spoke to his therapist about his anger towards me. He knows it's irrational, but he feels a lot of anger towards me, and uses this as a reason to not be with me. I would be walking on egg shells the whole time etc. His therapist is trying to help him through the anger, and get to the bottom of it. I think the anger and blame are all just internal stuff that he needs to deal with, and not project onto me. The therapist actually defended me. From what I hear, his therapist is pro-marriage. H will often insist on talking to his therapist before talking to me, which is a good thing.

Since my last post H had emergency surgery for a hernia. He went from anger at me to sheepishly calling me for help. I ended up driving him to the hospital and he ended up staying at my house for 3 nights. I went to Spain to spend time with our daughter who's there for a semester abroad, and while I was gone he stayed at the house with our eldest daughter. The days after surgery  were the first time he has stayed here since moving out. He point blank refused before, even when he had surgery last year, and if I was away.

Yesterday he said that the house didn't feel like home to him. He also said that it's not working for us. Since that night of fun we had in February, he traveled on business for 18 days, came back and had surgery, a week alter I went to Spain. We have spent hardly anytime together, so for him to say it's not working is laughable.

 I also found out yesterday that OW contacted him again after almost 6 months no contact. She's seeing someone else now, but can't seem to let go. She reached out to H for help, (apparently not financial, but I don't think I believe that). My question to him was "why couldn't she ask family, friends or her new partner for help?". She must have numerous other people who could help her. Just her checking to see if the door is open, and it is! He told me she called after I asked him. He said he was going to tell me, but I doubt it.

H is fed up of being in limbo and restless. He wants to move out of his apartment and buy a house. I still care way too much. He's now very depressed and withdrawn from me, but getting on much better with our daughters, which is good.

Finding it very tough dealing with his crap. It's the reconnection and withdrawal, rinse and repeat that get me. My work and studies  have scuppered my social life, so I'm cutting back on the number of classes I'm taking and getting back into getting a life. I'm going axe-throwing for the first time next week. That should be a great stress reliever! Still working on detachment!

[Evertrying]

Hi Didot,

Our stories are alike except for the fact my H is still living in our home. But he pulls the same crap yours does. Nice one minute and hateful and resentful the next. Now he is showing signs of depression and I think it's because he wants out but can't seem to take the steps to finally do it.
My H isn't one to move out and then do fly by's. IF he goes, he's done. He won't go back and forth. I know him well enough that it will be the end.
I am sorry I don't have any advice but please know I understand how you feel. A lot of us are in the same boat.

[DaybyDay1]

Hi Didot, I just read through your thread and had so many comments along the way that I wanted to make because I just kept thinking, "Oh my gosh, this sounds just like my H."  I make him anxious.  Home doesn't feel like home.  He had a tantrum when I wanted to help him with his recovery from a surgery last year.  He's angry at me and lists a bunch of ways of how I've "wronged" him.  I know there are other similarities but I just can't remember them right now. 

Thanks for sharing your story.  If I had any doubt that MLCers follow a very similar pattern, those are gone now.  My H is definitely in a midlife crisis and I'm just sad to know that he's "early" into it.  My timeline is similar to yours.  I discovered his affair on September of 2017 but we started having problems in 2016. 

I'm sorry the OW reached out to your H again.  I will never understand how broken a person must be to get involved and then stay involved with someone who is married!  It just kills me.  It seems to be the way the story goes in MLC though so it doesn't do any good to get upset about it.  I know that's easier said than done at times.

Anyway, I'm following along and wishing you the best!

[Didot49]

Thanks Daybyday and Evertrying, I read your past posts, and it's all so similar isn't it. I have started to post so many times and for some reason stopped. This year has gone by in a blur, but the realization that my husband has been gone 18 months has hit me hard. Of course I had to look up articles on separation, and found out very few come back home after 2 years. I guess midlife crisis is a whole different ball game though, at least I hope so. It does seem that those couples that tend to reconcile after MLC never actually separated. I thought I had left denial a long time ago, but today saw me just full of disbelief about what has happened to our marriage. How did we get here?

H has entered a time of frequent travel again, until the next work travel ban that is. He is gone Monday to Friday, traveling the world and working 15 hour days. he's exhausted, but his work gives him purpose, and helps him feel like he is making a difference. It's always been clear
 to me that work is the real alienator. OW seems to be gone, although I'm sure that they are still in contact. He says that she became disillusioned that he wasn't divorcing me, but I think she may gotten angry at how little time he gave her. I think she must have realized how things were for me. D23 recently told me that she fully expects H to have a heart attack. Certainly, I wonder how long he can sustain this punishing work schedule.

He has mentioned several times that I've changed for the better. Today he said he doesn't think he's changed at all, and he seemed ok with it. This is what I've noticed with dismay recently; He is working so much that he can't possibly have any time for reflection. He is still going to an IC, but the visits must be sporadic because he is rarely here. He admits that he was doing better earlier in the year when he wasn't traveling so much, and said that he's in limbo, he's been saying that since February. His apartment contract is up for renewal at the end of July, but so far no sign of him doing anything about it. In March he told me that he was going to be buying his own place, and said he wouldn't put a deposit down without telling me, but so far nothing.

He's still popping over for cups of tea when he can, sometimes on the day he gets back from a trip. He tends to stay for an hour, and his visits always end with exceptionally long hugs. Phone calls are minimal, and I don't call him. We text back and forth, but not everyday. Twice recently he has said that he doesn't know what he wants to do as regards the two of us and is sorry for what it's doing to me, so nothing new there. He used to invite me to the movies, and out for meals, but has stopped that completely.

He hasn't said I love you for over a year. I'm left wondering if he's genuinely confused, or if he's too much of a coward to start a divorce. I was doing so well, but today feeling very discombobulated. February's touch and go was tough to deal with. I do wonder though if we are reconnecting over cups of tea (he mainly talks about the trials and tribulations of his job), or if he's just being friendly? I have no idea what goes on in that man's head, and I'm trying to get to the point where I just don't care. It's clear to me that he is incapable of any empathy, and still seems so shut down. It's so strange. I would hate to live his joyless existence.The one thing he says time and time again is that life is short, as if he has to go and grab life by the horns, but all he does is work, so I'm confused!

 

[DaybyDay1]

Do you think that his insistence on working so much is to distract himself?  My H works all the time too and I think it's so he doesn't have to think about anything or feel anything.  I sometimes wonder that.  H has hinted at the fact that if he works himself to exhaustion then he can sleep and doesn't have to think about anything. 

I have no clue what I'm talking about when it comes to any of this, but I wouldn't put too much stock in the statistics on if he'll return on not based on how long you have been separated.  I think that will make you crazy.  I get upset when I realize that my H is coming to the end of his second year renting a condo and then I try to subtract the amount of months that he was living at home (lots of back and forth) from the total time he's had a condo... and I finally just said forget it.  His lease is up at the end of August and I have no idea what he will do then.  Trying not to stress.

I think that is a VERY good thing that he's noticed you've changed for the better.  All the advice I've gotten over the last couple of years is to focus on myself and to grow and learn.  It sounds like you're doing a good job of that!!   Keep it up.  That's the best thing any of us can do.  That much I do know. 

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Didot,

The fact your H keeps coming around for cups of tea is probably a good thing.  He really hasbn't been cooking long enough for hm to reconnect unless it's more of a transition than a crisis and you'll only know that in hindsight when the transition or crisis is over.

He may well be looking for a new OW, so always be ready for the news of one.  I truly think the ow helps them to get through the crisis, so having one is sometimes bitter sweet for us.

I agree with Day that it makes no difference to him coming back if he's gone for a long time or not.  Tjhis is NOT a marriage problem, it's all about hos FOO issues and until he decides to address those, he will remain wmotinally distant because he thinks you are the problem and not him.

Keep getting on with your life and leave his to what he has to do in order to be whole again.

[Didot49]

Thanks DaybyDay and Savvy, yes, I think he definitely uses his job to run away. The issue is that I don't see him changing. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that my H has chosen his job over me. I went to a friend's husband's funeral recently. He was an alcoholic, and his liver and kidneys shut down. It occurred to me afterwards that my husband is killing himself too, but with his work. His boss dropped dead of a heart attack at age 53, back in 2017, but that wasn't even a wake up call.

Unfortunately, I'm all too aware that OW number 2 could appear on the scene soon. I think that could cause me to give up. The question is how long do I stand? What will be the final straw?

My IC thinks that my H has no incentive to change, and that he's happy with how things are now. I think she thinks I shouldn't let him pop over to see me, but I think maybe that's the way back to a relationship. I agree it's not enough to call reconnection: it's crumbs really. I don't want to go to no contact, but I think I may have to be out more often at weekends, so that I'm a little less available.

I was doing so well, as far as being at peace with this, but for some reason this week was hard, and I ended up with a real sense of hopelessness. I really can't believe how cold and heartless they become. I'm still feeling shellshocked.

[UrsaMajor]

Making yourself less available would be a good thing. Right now, H has no reason to worry (as your IC pointed out). You are right there where he left you, patiently waiting for him to get his head out of his ..... fog....

Once he begins to feel that the anchor is no longer as stable as he expected it was, he might start to be concerned.

But, even if he isn't, it is YOUR opportunity to do your own work and begin to really Live As If.....

[Savoir Faire]

I'm not sure about the advice your IC gives you.  Every situation if different although MLC is all the same as far as symptoms, the MLCers themselves are slightly different.

Maybe reading Shock's thread will help. Her sister known as Shock's sis, is a former MLCer and gives extremely valuable insights into the crisis itself.  It may help you to see what your H is really doing when he visits.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10914.0

[Didot49]

Thanks Savvy and UM, I have to admit that I have been closely following what Shocksis has to say. She obviously advocates for detachment. I still haven't mastered detachment from H. Some days I really couldn't care less, other days, I realize I still care way too much about what he does and says. He's still popping around here for tea every weekend. He stays anywhere from 1-3 hours. Sometimes we follow tea with a G and T. Talk is all about our kids, and his work. He gives me a heads up when he's planning on coming, and if I'm out, then I tell him that I won't be there.

He knows his job is an issue, but I don't think he's ready to deal with it. My SIL told me that his therapist has told him not to make any decisions until he's sorted out his job and his sleep issues. It's now obvious that H's IC recognizes that his job is partially to blame for his issues. H admits he got burnt out, but his job gives him purpose, his identity, and makes him feel valued. All of which shouldn't come entirely from your job. He is only seeing the therapist once a month, as he is always working or away on business.

We haven't talked about our relationship since February. We give each other very long hugs, and there has been some kissing on and off side February of this year. One of his complaints was that there was no passion between us, so it feels right to kiss him. I know every MLCer is different, and I'm following my intuition on this one. While he was with the OW he wouldn't touch me, so I don't think he is involved with her or anyone else. My IC thinks I could just be bridging the gap between OW1 and a new OW; I know this is possible, and occasionally wonder if he's on the lookout for someone new.

He flew to Palm Springs this morning for a three day break. His last business trip wiped him out. Don't know if he's there with anyone else and trying not to care. He could have easily told me that he was going on a business trip, and I wouldn't have been any wiser, but he was upfront about it. I made a split second decision to join the HS trip to Tuscany. I felt in dire need of a break, and am so excited to meet everyone, and be around others who understand. I'm sad though that there are no more family vacations.

I'm feeling these days as if no one gets this. My sister gives advice, all of which involve putting pressure or giving ultimatums. I just tell her that this won't work in this situation. She tells me that she would have given up by now. My IC talks at length about H's narcissism and the fact that he won't change. She's definitely trying to steer me towards divorce.

At times I see glimpses of the old H, but right now he's a closed book. It's hard to tell what he's thinking or feeling. Very little in the way or texts, and no phone calls from him these days. I definitely feel like I hardly register on his radar. No surprise really given the situation.

He seemed desperate to buy his own place in February, but I found out recently from a family member that he signed a lease for another 6 months. That takes us to the end of January. The New Year may bring some decisions, or maybe things will continue as they are now, who knows!

A friend of H's just died, age 50. He was type 1 diabetic, and I don't think he was managing his diabetes very well, and fell into a diabetic coma. He was separated from his wife, who is a friend of mine. He had crashed his car a few weeks before, by driving in front of another car, and had recently had other diabetic episodes. Possible midlife crisis?

I'm listening to Eckert Tolle's 'A New Earth' on a book on tape. His view is that growth comes from struggle. He also has lots to say about Ego, which I think is a huge factor in MLC. I would definitely recommend it.

I wouldn't wish these MLC ups and downs on anyone, but I'm glad there are others who have walked this path before me who can give support, and I'm also grateful for those who walk this journey too. It helps to feel less alone.

[Evermore]

Hi Didot. Just finished reading back through your thread. I feel very much like we’re kindred spirits and like we’re handling this very similarly (reading about how you can’t help yourself sometimes and have convos with your H is so me as well!). Maybe it’s because our Hs seem to be having similar MLCes (little monster and he pops over frequently for cuppas and chats). I’m a bit behind you so I’ll follow your story and use it kinda like a guide. I know no two stories are alike but it helps I think to see similar stories that are ahead of us because it reminds that even when they have a T&G and come a bit closer, that it means NOTHING! Sam I Am has a similar H as well I think. I read her updates as well. It does indeed help you feel less alone to connect to other LBSs, so thank you for sharing.

[Didot49]

So, I haven't posted in a long while. Pretty much because I've been going through more of the same. Saw a pattern of intimacy with H every 5 months last year. Each time that happened he ended up with anxiety and couldn't sleep so withdrew from me. He has admitted that he has enormous guilt, so I think it may be that.

 Turns out I was totally wrong. other woman, surprise, surprise, was still on the scene. I think they split up and then one of then will call months later and it starts up again. I will post a link to an excellent video about limerence that strikes a chord with me. He drew closer to me in February, July and December. In October he announced that we should just be friends. I told him that it would be difficult for me to see him with anyone else, so we wouldn't be friends. I asked him if he wanted me to make things easy for him, if so I would divorce him. He said no, he didn't want that.

We both went to a family wedding in England. I had too much wine, and started off conversations that I shouldn't have. He got angry and told me that I needed to move out of our house ( it's too big and is a money pit). I had been trying to find somewhere, but my heart wasn't in it, and the right house didn't appear. One thing led to another and we ended up spending the night together the night of the wedding. In a weird comical moment someone knocked on my hotel bedroom door while I was in his room. He hissed at me that people would know I was in his room. So bizarre, I am still his wife for goodness sake. Anyway, it was our of my daughters. She had also had too much to drink. I wandered out of his room to find her asleep in the hotel corridor. H and I sobered her up in my room, but she kept mumbling that our family is a mess. I could see H tearing up about this.

After we returned to the US he wanted to talk to me. Apparently, I ruined the wedding for him because I had too much to drink and wouldn't stop confronting him. He also said that D21's comments made him realize that we are hurting the kids, and he hinted at divorce. I asked him why he said no when I offered to divorce him in October and he said it was because he doesn't want to be the villain. I said he already is. He said his IC said that too and told him he should pull the plug on the marriage. I call bs on that one. I don't think an IC would say that.

Anyway, I was inspired to renew my search for a house and found one almost immediately. I moved into a brand new house at the end of February. It's 4 minutes from my work. I think he was surprised that I found somewhere. He moved out of his apartment into our old house, and will live there until it sells.  Shortly after he moved in I came around to pick up more of my stuff. He wasn't there, so I decided to snoop (I know, I know!). All through this process I haven't been told anything about the OW. All I knew was that she is single, and as far as he was concerned I didn't need to know anything else. I found a postcard in his best side table thanking him for the trip he organized for her and her mother. I then went to his iPad, and he hadn't changed the code. I found out her name from an email about some flowers he sent for her birthday 3 days earlier. There were two emails about her. The other was flowers sent for her birthday the year before. No photos of her either on the iPad, which was weird. So, I gleaned some info from her Facebook page. She's 10 years younger than me, and works for an airline, so can join him on work trips and vacations at the drop of a hat. He loves travel, so does she, so on the surface they are suited. Most galling of all, the fact that she looks like me! The affair has probably been going on since late 2016. He took her to New York for her 40th in February 2017, just days after my dad died (and he claims I was supportive!). I thought the relationship ended in September 2018, but saw from her Facebook that she went to Cyprus and Arizona with him in May and July 2019. Understandably, I was fuming. I texted him with photos of her and told him never to speak to me again. He instantly phoned and we talked for 2 hours and claimed she is just a friend, but admitted he slept with her on those trips. He was all over me in July, directly after one of those trips

He told me that I broke him and she built him up again. This from the man who has spent the last 3 years reading every self help book out there, and is also in therapy. He is riddled with anger and anxiety. She did a wonderful job of building him up!!! He did admit it was a temporary high! He said the relationship with her was not all rainbows and unicorns. I told him that broken attracts broken and he said that was definitely true. He also said that they had seen each other's flaws and told me that he didn't want to be with her and that she didn't want to be with him.

Her Cheshire Cat grin in all the travel photos shows me that she loves the lifestyle with him. She may be able to fly around the world for free, but he can put her up in 5 star hotels. Of course he said that she never asks him for anything. My point was that she doesn't need to as she knows he will give her anything without her having to ask just by using her feminine charms, if you know what I mean.

He admitted he loves me, but surprise, is not in love with me. Doesn't want a divorce, and says something stops him whenever he thinks about it. He said that it's because of our family. He asked me what I want to do, and I told him that I would like him to step back into the marriage, but that I knew he wasn't ready. I also said that I wasn't judging him, at which point he said that I had been surprising in all of this. I told him that he can't be friends with her and expect to have a relationship with me. I also said that if our relationship stands a chance he needs to break contact with her. His response was that I didn't understand relationships!

Today, a week later he told me that she called today to ask for advice on her finances. She's worried due to the Coronavirus impact on the airlines. He stressed that she didn't ask for money. Again my thought was she doesn't need to, she knows that he would turn into the rescuer in a heartbeat. He told me she has no support system, so he's definitely her rescuer in this relationship. He said he went through her budget with her and said that her told her that she needs to move on.

I'm hoping this gives some insight as to how the MLCer  thinks, although I know he's a sample of one. I am trying to have no expectations, but I think my move and my confronting him may have him worried that I may pull the plug. He is in charge of the plants making the ventilators for a huge medical company, so is working 16 hour days right now to get ventilators out to the countries that need them, so says he hasn't got time to work on the marriage. Though he has been in daily contact since I moved, and in turn I have been trying to be supportive of him.

If I was a betting person I would say the affair is still not completely done, but he doesn't seem to be in love with her. She flatters him and makes him feel good and he takes her away and makes her feel powerful. Not a great basis for a relationship. I have reached the point where I am speaking my mind without caring. I told him he is on a sticky wicket if he relies on someone else to bolster his self esteem. That comes from within as we all know.

Much love to you all during this health crisis, it's not like we all didn't have enough to deal with is it?

[UrsaMajor]

Nice to hear back from you!

Mid-Lifers... Don't want us but don't want us to move on...    Really, they have NO clue WHAT they want unless it is the "Happy feelz" of the moment...

[Didot49]

Thanks UM, very true. The thing that gets me is that every time things come to a head he states that he’s going to start putting himself first from now on! Like he hasn’t been doing that for years

[Seahorse]

Didot -
Attaching.
Seems like you're handling things well.
I can imagine the touch n go's are so difficult - I never had those.
Keep your wits, and keep your boundaries.

Stay safe.
Sea

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks UM, very true. The thing that gets me is that every time things come to a head he states that he%u2019s going to start putting himself first from now on! Like he hasn%u2019t been doing that for years

Seriously.... THAT would be an awesome truth dart between the eyes... "And that will be different to what you've been doing for the last x years how? 

[Treasur]

Well done on finding the new house and I hope you are enjoying it. Ha ha, particularly as a lot of us will be spending more time at home for a little while.

I've joked before about the need for an mLC/English dictionary. When we say putting ourselves first', we tend to mean living by our values, being responsible for ourselves, make emotionally healthy choices and treating others with respect. MLCers? The same words seem to mean something else altogether....living by their emotions, avoiding the 'pressure' of responsibility, reactions rather than choices with consequences and treating others however we want while expecting them to suck it up? Whole different definition 

I presume your finances are somewhat protected if he decides to bail out his grounded dumsel in distress.....

[Nerissa]

Sorry things are a bit stuck for you Didot.  I hope you are still liking your studying and that your D’s are doing ok. Xx

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I read through your thread and I am glad to see that you are coming out on top. Hope you are enjoying the new home. You may be in it for a long time. LOL

However, some certain items really struck a cord,

but she kept mumbling that our family is a mess.

This was hard to hear because one she was openly stating her heart. The only issue is that both you and your daughter had too much to drink. It was a wedding and believe me, that happens often. In regards to your daughter, you need to be mindful of her drinking so it doesn't lead to issues later on. I would also address the family is a mess. It's not you or her that is a mess, it's her father. Don't let her blame herself for his crisis.
 My question to you, is how did you feel afterwards? I know your h felt guilt. However, guilt doesn't create the catalyst for change like remorse does. Instead, guilt creates blame and while he may admit he is the "villain" he really blames you.

If I was a betting person I would say the affair is still not completely done, but he doesn't seem to be in love with her.

Yes, you are correct. He's not done yet, because OW is not his addiction. His true addiction is his work. OW is his reward. Just like a person will diet and lose weight and then reward himself with ice cream, you have your h that works hard and then rewards himself with OW. He knows he shouldn't be with her, but he justifies it because he deserves it, he earned it. What really helps is that she is convenient for him as well.

Until your h confronts his real crisis and how much his identity is in his work, he won't cure. I know that my job and career are important to me. In fact, I was driven by fear of losing my job for years until my IC asked me one day, "What would you do if you lost your job?" I told her that I would get another job. "So what are you really fearing?" Yep, fear was the emotion driving me and fear is the strongest emotion of them all.
It was one of the many turning points of my life and it actually broke barriers for me that helped make me a stronger man and a better father and husband.

I would limit my interactions with your H and focus on you and your daughter. He is a proven liar and you know that as well. So until he hits the point of showing remorse and committing his life back to you and your family, he is not worth having.


((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

[KeepItTogether]

Congrats on the new house. That is such a stressful situation in any circumstance. And you did it no problem!

You really have such a great perspective on things and of course you know your H. And that he lies. They all do. About everything. It is ridiculous. I had to chuckle when he said he was going to put himself first. OMG. Ummm ok. Selfishness seems to be the common denominator of these MLCers. Even the clingers. Probably especially the clingers. They seem to straddle between the LBS and OW the entire time they are in crisis. And they say and do things to keep us on that "shelf" waiting for them. They have all the options. And God forbid if you should ever start seeing anyone. Oh boy.

Well, you got the pulse of where he is now. And you are there when he reaches out which is how I am too. Keep doing you and focus on your lovely girls and leave him to it.  You are a kind and loving soul and he knows it. But also a strong and powerful woman. And that scares the crap out of him. When/If he grows up, he won't need the dumsel in distress OW to fill his fix anymore.

You are doing great.

[Milly]

Hi Didot, just wanted to let you know that I'm also here following your latest updates. You sound really good. So pleased you have found a house and so quickly. To me this is a sign of your strength and recovery. Sorry about your D. Our kids our the real victims of their father's MLC. But with a mother like you, she is going to be ok.

Sending love and best of luck with work and the new house.xxx

[Seahorse]

Didot -
Glad you're at peace in your new house.
Let us know how you're doing otherwise.
How's your "heart" doing?
How's your daughter?
I bet H is still real busy with the ventilator company but should be slowing down soon since pandemic is peaking over the next couple of weeks.

Hugs,
Sea

[Didot49]

Well it’s been a while! KIT, UM, Sea, Treasur, Ready, Milly and Nerissa, thanks for your thoughtful responses. It was really appreciated; it helps to hear from others walking the same journey, and get feedback.

This time last year I moved into my own house with my eldest daughter (24). It’s been a weird year, I’m sure the same is true for all of us! I’m pretty close to finishing my masters, so will be a fully fledged librarian soon. I was promoted last month, so work is going well. My youngest has just scored a great job as a consultant, so is happy. My eldest has a number of mental health  issues, and is looking for a job as a proofreader, with no luck so far. Shame I can’t use her for my writing here. I always see a fair number of typos when I look back!

Things with H are moving forward, but at glacial speed. The most surprising thing he said to me a year ago was “ you don’t trust me, and I don’t trust the relationship. Maybe we should give up”. It made me realize that although we want an apology and feel that the mlcer has to earn our trust, they may not trust us either. So I feel like I’m in a situation where I have to earn his trust. I get it though, as I do own my mistakes, and I think he’s at the point where he has woken up to his mistakes.

I had a chat with him at the end of last year and asked if he’s worried about cheating on me again. His response seemed genuine; he told me that he’s done with her and won’t make that mistake again. Pretty sure they are still in touch occasionally, but the pandemic has stopped all of his business travel. He hasn’t been away in over a year. Our youngest heard the two of them arguing a couple of times early last year. D22 actually lived with H for a few months. She caught Covid in March and decided to move out of her college house and in with him. She actually called him out about one call. I think it really shocked him to be confronted by her.

There has been very slow (sloooooow) reconnection. He’s at the point where he’s calling and texting me everyday. His love language is gifts and acts of service, and I’m getting lots of gifts from him, which is interesting as gifts are not my love language. He invites me over, or comes over to mine every weekend, but hasn’t stayed overnight, and hasn’t invited me to stay at his. Apparently, he still doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t want to confuse our daughters . I don’t instigate any get togethers. I leave it up to him. I’m happy to spend my weekend alone to be honest. He tends to organize family get togethers, rather than the two of us.

For Valentine’s Day, he invited me for that day without mentioning what the day was, then a couple of days before he said “I do realize it’s Valentine’s Day”. He cooked for me, bought gifts, and we had a really lovely evening.

For our anniversary last year, he suggested we all get together for takeout. He didn’t mention the anniversary beforehand, so neither did I. He arrived with gifts and a card. I was completely unprepared. The previous year he phoned for a few minutes, no card and no mention of what day it was. So I said “what’s this”, and he said “anniversary”, like it was the most natural thing for him to be celebrating. Our anniversary is coming up again. I honestly don’t know what to expect. Trying to have no expectations.

We took a quick trip to Vail last June with D22 and her boyfriend. H and I had separate rooms. I messed up on the last night, and told him we could do with talking. It triggered a panic attack and he wasn’t able to sleep that night. the next morning he accused me of being angry about being in a separate room. Which was actually not correct. It actually didn’t bother me. I had a ton of college work and needed the space. To be honest it felt like a test, and I failed it!

We actually head back to Vail next week. D22 is coming along again, but she’s split up with her boyfriend, so it’s just the three of us. She has training for her new job, so will leave a night early. This time last year he would have insisted that we leave early too. This time he seems happy to stay there with me. We’ll see how it goes, but I’m expecting separate rooms and again keeping expectations low.

Overall, it sometimes feels as if we have made no headway, but although it’s been slow, there has been progress. I’m finding that H is calling just to chat. He’s also venting to me about work. He’s gotten closer to our girls this year too. His sense of humor has returned, and he’s back to having hobbies. He’s cooking a lot, which is great, as he will often bring me some focaccia or lamb tagine or some other dish that he’s made. H is still working ridiculous hours. I don’t say anything. He has to work this out himself.

D22 gave me some words of wisdom; she said that if he came though his issues too quickly I wouldn’t trust it. It took a while for things to go wrong and it’s going to take a while for things to heal. She’s wise beyond her years sometimes.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I really want to be with him. I’ve been standing for over five years now, he shut down in me in January 2016. Certainly, I can see a point where I wonder if this is all worth it. I think Covid fatigue is getting me down. I’ve been struggling a bit lately. I guess I’m leaving my options open right now.

By the way D22 is doing better and not drinking excessively now. She has a great therapist too, which is good. Really things are going pretty well. Thanks for reading xx

[Curiosity]

Just caught up on your thread - I am fairly new to this and joined after your previous post. I feel like there is much to be learned from every story, from an immediate vanisher to a reconciliation, but that middle ground, the touch and goes, the reconnection without reconciliation, the clinger in replay - I feel like those scenarios are unique to MLC and it’s hard for people who haven’t experienced it to truly understand. So thank you for sharing your experiences and how you manage the situation. The lessons of patience, detachment, and getting on with living your life - they are so very important, and your example is powerful.

Glad you got into your new home at the beginning of what has become quite an interesting time in which to live, and on your professional and educational successes! As for the reconnection... accepting that it is glacial, and that you have a say in the outcome, are huge steps in the process (or so it seems to me). It sounds like those are lessons you have learned well.

[Didot49]

Thanks Curiosity, I think I fell into that trap of thinking that once he was done with OW, he would want to be with me. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. I’m an option, but that’s it right now. 

You are right in saying that there are aspects of this that are uniquely MLC There are a couple of people I’m close enough to share this stuff with, and I’ve lost track at the number of times that their jaws have dropped! It’s really hard for anyone who isn’t familiar with MLC to comprehend.

 Pre-pandemic I went to a 10 week class that dealt with grieving with the end of a relationship. Out of the 40 attendees, I was one of two people there dealing with MLC. The other person was a guy whose wife was going through, what he referred to as, adult rebellion. As part of the class we had to share our stories. The people in the class really seemed to find it hard to understand my situation.

I come back here sporadically not only to vent, but in the hope that it helps someone else in some way. I often read a post where I feel like I could have written it. There are very few people who you come across in everyday life who get what we are dealing with, but here (unfortunately) we all understand

[Anon]

Hi Didot - nice to hear from you and read your update.   It's interesting to read about you and your H and how things have changed.   You are clearly in reconnection from what I see.   Did that start last year when you moved into your new house? I understand why you wonder if it's all worth it.  It's a very difficult time from what I've read.   2 steps forward and 1.5 back does make for glacial progress.   It does sound like you doing okay through it all.    .   Take care and send more frequent updates!  You are at an interesting stage in the MLC world.

Anon
Xx

[Didot49]

Hi Anon, Yes, reconnection started shortly after I moved into my own house. I live about 25 minutes drive from H now, so it’s harder for him to just turn up unannounced

Thanks for stopping by my thread, you always leave really thoughtful comments, and have great insight. I know I’m in a position that I used to dream about, as regards reconnection, but I’m weary. When you realize what you’re dealing with is probably MLC, you read all about it, and see that it takes 5-7 years or more to work though, but I think some of us (that means me for sure) think that our spouse will be the exception to the rule. Then it doesn’t turn out that way.

I think sometimes it’s hard to remember how far you’ve come. There was a time where he couldn’t be around me for more than 10 minutes.

 We’ve worked on our friendship, but we really haven’t had many of the tough conversations that eventually need to happen. How do we move forward? Maybe we carry on as we are for a while.  I’m letting him take the lead on the pace of things. I think he’s still got a lot to work through, and so do I.

In the meantime, I’ve been invited over to his house for a barbecue tomorrow (just the two of us), so we’ll see how that goes

[Milly]

Didot, so good to hear an update from you. Nice to hear about this slow reconnection. I'm glad you're getting to share some pleasant times with your H. I find it interesting how slow the reconnection is. So kind of you to share this with us. I do think that we all expect them to wake up and be immediately their old selves, or to end the relationship with OW and therefore want to be with us. Hearing how it pans out differently is really good for us LBSs to hear about. The MLCer is still dealing with his old fears/worries even when he's clearly wanting to reconnect. Seems that you are handling it very well.

Hope your barbecue is good fun. x

[Kimber]

I lost my cool recently and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore,

I do stuff like this A LOT. I go on a streak where I am doing really well, detaching, yada yada and then I get to thinking and get so pissed and hurt that I do something so counter productive it negates every step forward I have taken. I wish I could stop.

[Didot49]

Thanks for commenting Kimber. That quote was from 2018 or 2019 when H wasn’t the only one monstering; I did my fair share too. It took a long time for me to realize that H was going through a MLC, so I handled everything badly. I finally got better at listening, and better at detaching. I still get triggered, and that’s maybe what’s happening to you? I have made plenty of mistakes, but things have improved with H, and we are getting on really well.

Milly, hope you are doing well. I really appreciate your insight. I think a lot of damage was done in the 2 years before H left our home. We were in an attack/defend pattern for a while, and I know I made it unbearable for him at times (just owning my part in this). The affair also did a huge of damage, and it’s obvious that there’s a lot of healing to do, so I guess I can understand why things are moving slowly.

I spent the afternoon with him today. He barbecued, we drank wine and talked (no relationship talk though), and walked the dog together. He talked about putting the family home on the market; he’s living there right now. I honestly have no clue what his plans are, in terms of where he will move to, and I have no idea where I factor into those plans. I guess that remains to be seen.

[Milly]

Didot, so glad you had a lovely barbecue. I guess it's as if you just met, just started dating and don't really know each other fully, nor have to make joint decisions on where you might live, etc. It is really quite bizarre just like everything else about a MLC. You do seem to be doing really well. No pressure does appear to be the secret.

[UrsaMajor]

Didot,

There is an old saying"that I will steal and add a U-M-phemism to.......

"Behold the lowly turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out... But it is VERY slow progress...."

But, it DOES seem like it is some sort of progress....

[KeepItTogether]

Didot--great to hear from you. Sounds like it is a slooooooow but steady process.  Having just gone though a T&G myself (albeit a long one), I completely understand those "talks" and how we want to discuss the elephant in the room, but we keep it light. You are better at this than me though b/c I still let things get to me. Whereas you understand the MLC part is his process. Your process is a completely different one and you are working through it well.

Congrats on almost being a full fledged librarian! I remember you studying while in Tuscany--now THAT is dedication.

[MadLuv]

Didot- Just found tour story. Was curious where you are in your life with H and how things are going? Hoping no news is food news for you. Thank you for journalling your story. So much I can relate to.

[UrsaMajor]

Resurrected Didot's thread by request

[Didot49]

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled, almost two years! I was just about to lament that things haven’t drastically changed, but I guess they have, just not in the way that me in 2021 would have hoped.

Updates are:
I graduated with a 4.0 with  my Masters of Library Science degree at the end of 2021. I’m still working in a public library and loving it. I highly recommend an intense course of study to take your mind off the crazy.

H agreed to do the Marriage Helper class with me last July, and shared with the class why he wants to work on his marriage, and then proceeded to continue to not work on it.

H retired, and is struggling with no longer being a high powered businessman. He said he couldn’t work on the marriage as he needs time to get used to being retired. It’s hard not having your ego continually stroked.

May 2021, our brother in law, Peter, died of Covid. He was H’s sister’s husband. H was very close to him, and Peter was one of the few people to dare call out H for his bad behavior. H took his death particularly bad, and any intimacy we were having went out the window. We also lost H’s mother in January 2022, and our beloved coonhound in April. Our dog died on our wedding anniversary, and it felt like the final nail in the coffin for that date. Unsurprisingly, H was withdrawn more with each death.

He had a hip replacement November 2022. I moved into his house for two weeks and looked after him.

I recently started seeing a therapist for me, as I started this year realizing that I had stopped looking after myself.

I can feel a shift in my way of thinking and acting around H. I feel like I’m finally reaching acceptance. My H is a clinger of epic proportions. He continues to send mixed messages. No intimacy, but flowers on Valentine’s Day, and dinner this weekend. He frequently stops around for a chat, or invites me to the movies. He phones almost everyday, pops over to my house a fair amount, and has taken to making me lunch and delivering it to my workplace. He evens brings coffee tome and my colleagues. This all sounds great, but it isn’t a marriage. There’s no intimacy, no commitment, no conversations of great depth. I’m not getting the feeling from him that he wants a marriage. If anything I’ve been ‘friend zoned’. He seems to like living alone.

The conversations with my therapist have made me realize that I do want more. I’ve been separated for over 5 years, and lived separated with him for 2 years before that. I have realized that I have been in denial this entire time. It finally hit me that my marriage ended 7 years ago, and it really doesn’t look like he wants a new marriage with me.

I have a trip with him, his sister, and our daughter coming up soon ( I will be sharing a room with our daughter), but I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.

[UrsaMajor]

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled, almost two years! I was just about to lament that things haven’t drastically changed, but I guess they have, just not in the way that me in 2021 would have hoped.

Updates are:
I graduated with a 4.0 with  my Masters of Library Science degree at the end of 2021. I’m still working in a public library and loving it. I highly recommend an intense course of study to take your mind off the crazy.

Congratulations! That is amazing, especially the 4.0 (for those not familiar with the American grading system, you can't really get a better grade than that) GPA

H agreed to do the Marriage Helper class with me last July, and shared with the class why he wants to work on his marriage, and then proceeded to continue to not work on it.

Another case for the "MLCer does no real work and expects things to magically change?"

H retired, and is struggling with no longer being a high powered businessman. He said he couldn’t work on the marriage as he needs time to get used to being retired. It’s hard not having your ego continually stroked.

May 2021, our brother in law, Peter, died of Covid. He was H’s sister’s husband. H was very close to him, and Peter was one of the few people to dare call out H for his bad behavior. H took his death particularly bad, and any intimacy we were having went out the window. We also lost H’s mother in January 2022, and our beloved coonhound in April. Our dog died on our wedding anniversary, and it felt like the final nail in the coffin for that date. Unsurprisingly, H was withdrawn more with each death.

Good Grief! That's like being dropped into the Boxing Ring with Mike Tyson. Never mind H's withdrawal, how are you doing with all that. That is an awful lot to handle in a relatively short period of time...

He had a hip replacement November 2022. I moved into his house for two weeks and looked after him.

H is a lucky person that you were willing to do that for him despite his actions....

I recently started seeing a therapist for me, as I started this year realizing that I had stopped looking after myself.

GOOD FOR YOU!  Self-care, in whatever (non-destructive) form it takes, is always a good thing

I can feel a shift in my way of thinking and acting around H. I feel like I’m finally reaching acceptance. My H is a clinger of epic proportions. He continues to <...snip...>
I have a trip with him, his sister, and our daughter coming up soon ( I will be sharing a room with our daughter), but I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.

From over here in the cheap seats, it seems that H is Wallowing Away in Clingerville (Hey wait, isn't there a song like that? Oh, that's "Wasting Away in Margaritaville" but the word pattern matches. You can thank me later for getting Jimmy Buffet stuck in your head... ). On the other side, it sounds as if you are making strides in self-care, growth, introspection, and figuring out exactly what DiDot wants for her life and that is a good thing. If H wants to keep up with you, he's going to have to get off the porch and on the ball. Otherwise, he's just going to be seeing a dust trail where you used to be.

Like we keep saying, the MLC'er is on their own journey and there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to influence, control, or change it. All we can influence, control, or change is our response to it and our own choices/actions.

In other words, we are responsible for our own happiness and no one else. The same goes for the Mid-Lifer. Only they can choose to be happy or not, work through whatever skeletons they have in their closet or not, pull their head out of their .... fog ... or not.

[Treasur]

Reading your post, Didot, made me think how very normal that sounds, to have reached the place where you are. With hindsight, I often think that BD and all that comes with it and after it and all our own flailing around in it, is rather like finding oneself in the emergency room after a very bad accident. Eventually, and sometimes it can almost surprise us, we find ourself walking out of metaphorical physio therapy and stopping to consider what now. Part of that - and imho this is a particularly specific thing bc it is different for different folks in different situations - is a kind of almost objective consideration of where we are now. Which leg works, which doesn’t so much, what matters now, how we feel about where we are now and what we want to do with what we have as opposed to what we haven’t. And of course, individuals make different choices, don’t they?

Meanwhile I think this stage makes it much easier to see if our MLC spouse hasn’t really evolved much at all....or if what we see is pretty much what is on the table for the moment.
And that the BS and chaos of the past, including ow/om, means much less of significance than we felt earlier on and seems to make surprisingly little difference to someone else’s MLCness  and really truly had very little to do with us.
I think most of us get stuck for a while in a belief that MLCers will get ‘better’.....it’s a rather interesting stage when we lay that belief down and say idk, and consider what we choose to do next about our own lives regardless and how much or how little we want to accept what they are currently offering or find it useful to us or not.

[MadLuv]

Thank you for your update Didot. I wish it was surprising that hoping for change and effort on your MLCer or any MLCer is never a winning bet. I definitely have learned they are in this place for lack of courage to face themselves and it takes a lot of work to begin that process. That either takes a very long time in years or in forever.  He does obviously know somewhere that he is lucky to have you in his life, but our question always is how lucky are we to have them? They have so little to offer.

[xyzcf]

Nice to hear from you. I am sorry for all your losses. Every time I hear someone say "Covid is just a cold" I just shake my head. 

Congratulations on getting your Master's of Library Science and that you have a job that you are enjoying.

I also went back to therapy around 8 years BD, I felt stuck and wasn't able to feel "joy". I was talking to a friend the other day, that I too am at an age where I have to readjust to this time of life, Eric Erickson's stages of development state:

"

Ego integrity versus despair

is the eighth and final stage of Erik Erikson’s stage theory of psychosocial development. This stage begins at approximately age 65 and ends at death. It is during this time that we contemplate our accomplishments and can develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life."

I have some health issues that have creeped into my life that surprise me as I have always been "healthy" and I know that time is passing and is to be lived deeply and fully.

That was hard to do when in the throes of the rollercoaster we all rode for quite some time.

My husband is "similar" in how you describe yours and I am close to another LBSer whose husband is also similar. The choice is ours to have contact or not. His connection to me doesn't impede my life, so many years on my own, I have volunteer activities, several groups, a house to take care of, traveling and now and then, time with him which is good for our family and which I enjoy.

Like your husband mine also:

 

He seems to like living alone.

Mermaid used to discuss anhedonia in relation to MLC, the inability to feel pleasure. I don't see Mr. xyzcf ever showing any excitement in life...he seems content but they do not really tell us much so it's hard to know.

I find it interesting the things he does confide in me...he still trusts me very much.

I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.

Indeed.....we have no idea what lies ahead for us, so explore your passions and interests and live life with a capital L.(or as Mr. xyzcf once commented, that I lived my life with an exclamation mark!)

Thanks for your update. It is always good to hear from people who have walked this journey. Take good care of yourself!

[FaithWalker]

Just getting caught up Didot after a small time away.  Glad to see an update from you.  I'm so sorry for the losses you have sustained.  Congrats on the Masters degree.  Wow!

I hope you are ready to really start focusing on you even more!  Hopefully the trip went well and you have been able to do your focus shift!

[Didot49]

Thanks UM for your insightful comments and hilarious memes; they always make me laugh. Thanks also to Faithwalker, Madluv, xyzcf and Treasur, it’s always great hear from others walking this same journey and to hear their perspective. Thanks for your concern about all the loss in our family. It’s been especially tough on our eldest daughter. She doesn’t have any friends, so the number of people close to her is dwindling. H though seems to be coping well with grief, and dare I say it developing some resiliency.

H continues to move through the tunnel. I thought he was stuck for the longest time, but there’s definitely movement. Even our daughters have commented on the shift in him.

The changes I noticed are:
1. Seems less selfish overall. Has taken an interest in the mental well-being of our eldest. She’s been struggling for years as she’s on the spectrum and has severe depression. Until recently he had been very avoidant with her, and unsympathetic. Now he’s having trouble sleeping because he’s so worried about her.

2. Shows affection for me in front of others. We went to a Foreigner concert last night with friends. He put his arm around me during a love song and gave me a kiss on the head, also held my hand. This is something he hasn’t done in years.

3. Referred to a night out with me as a date!

4. Told me casually that I could sleep at his house if I wanted. I decided to say no as our daughter was at his house, and it would have seemed weird if she returned to our house and I didn’t (she lives with me).

5. It feels childish saying this but he hasn’t used the kissing emoji since 2015. He’s back to using it.

6. He went to the UK for a month to spend time with his family in June. Before he left he said he loved me, without me saying it. While he was gone he said he missed me. This has not happened in years and years.

7. He got a new dog, but chose it with me and wanted to hear my opinion on it.


He still hasn’t discussed his affair with me. Everything I know, I found out myself. He said recently that he’s read that it’s best not to discuss it. He’s conveniently forgotten that the advice from our marriage helper course was that it was unfair on the lbs not discuss it. I feel that it needs to be talked about, so it can be laid to rest. I don’t want to keep dredging this up, but I have questions. I’m not a fan of sweeping things under the carpet. Maybe I’m wrong, should it be ignored?

Our trip to Hawaii with his sister and our eldest went well. However, I had told my therapist that it was going to be my last trip like that. We were in separate rooms, and as much as I get on with my SIL, I would really like to go away with just him. He keeps planning trips with his sister, as he now feels like he has to look after her. It’s lovely that he’s being so supportive of her since her husband passed away, but I pointed out to him that I lost my husband too, only mine chose to leave.

I’m going on a women's trip to Egypt in October, and it seems ironic that his sister now has him as her traveling companion while I’m going away with groups of strangers. She has drawn parallels with our situations. She told me that she admired how I had built a new life for myself, and she knew she had to do the same. Having said that it probably would be better for her if we don’t reconcile. She has told me quite a few times that she’s told H that he needs to go on vacation with me, as in just the two of us. I brought up that she has said that, and he admitted that he doesn’t ever recall her saying that.

He’s taken her on a few trips in the last couple of years, Norway, France, Monaco. She also keeps on trying to persuade him to go to the UK for a couple of months at a time. He’s going back in November and has said they will go on vacation together again. I’m sounding horribly unsympathetic, but I feel like she will eventually have to find her own way. She has tons of friends, and another brother, so does have lots of other support. I’m already planning another vacation by myself next year. I got a little frustrated when H announced that he and his sister were going to Florida and I was welcome to come along. I told him that I’d give it a miss, which seemed to shock him.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Treasur]

I don’t think so, from what you post - I simply think you are saying that what your h can/will currently offer in the relationship you have with him is not sufficient for you. The fact that he is prioritising your SiL is almost irrelevant…(and it is quite textbook for MLCers trying to find their feet again to connect with other family members before us, of course, plus there might be a weird kind of projection about him ‘looking after’ a woman left without a husband and maybe also tied up with his own sense of loss     )…...it’s that he is not prioritising you in the way you want. And that’s ok to feel and act on accordingly.

I’m not sure how you describe the relationship you currently have with him now….is it a kind of friendship or something else? Or actively trying to reconcile? Idk……or if you are even wanting a marital reconciliation now. But it’s reasonable I think in life to assess what we are getting (and giving) to any kind of relationship at a given point and decide for ourselves what works for us and what doesn’t.

[KayDee]

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing Didot. Gosh, 8 years, perhaps you should be canonized (maybe we all should  ). I had a couple of immediate thoughts about your two questions.

  I feel that it needs to be talked about, so it can be laid to rest. I don’t want to keep dredging this up, but I have questions. I’m not a fan of sweeping things under the carpet. Maybe I’m wrong, should it be ignored?

I personally don't think it unreasonable at all, I guess I would ask, is now the right time? You know it happened, he knows it happened and hopefully it is in the past. But it does seem like you are in the slowly reconnecting phase and perhaps this particular issue can wait for times when you are both on more solid ground.

Regarding his relationship with his sister -

   Am I being unreasonable?

Is it possible this is still part of some form of avoidance? In your last update you said he couldn't commit to work on the marriage because he had to deal with being retired (or something like that) - in other words, he put up a barrier. Now he has his role of looking out for his sister, and this is clearly creating another barrier. Of course, it is fantastic that he is looking after her, it must be such a help to her, but he can do both - reconnect/rebuild with you AND support her. It's not an either or. Perhaps for now, you could keep doing what you are doing, living your life, enjoying your friends and family, and hope he takes the next step towards a deeper commitment. Sounds like he's not quite there yet. Personally, I would avoid assigning this issue to the sister. She is likely vulnerable and will need eassuring support from someone she trusts at the moment. She will find her way forward, but it is early days in her grieving process.

I hope he continues to inch his way forward to catch up with the new you 

[MadLuv]

Hello! I also want to add that the sister being his “sister” is a safe person to connect with and travel with. She has her own struggles right now, so she probably isn’t asking him a ton of questions on his life and choices. As far as always also having her with you. That probably also feels safe to him. He doesn’t have to carry the conversation. I know my XH travels with his now W  and one or both her adult D’a are always going as well. Very odd for a new marriage, but they distract her from him having to carry the conversation and entertain her. That could be the same with your H. He feels safer having that 3rd person right now from his own insecurities.