[Didot49]

Thanks DaybyDay and Savvy, yes, I think he definitely uses his job to run away. The issue is that I don't see him changing. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that my H has chosen his job over me. I went to a friend's husband's funeral recently. He was an alcoholic, and his liver and kidneys shut down. It occurred to me afterwards that my husband is killing himself too, but with his work. His boss dropped dead of a heart attack at age 53, back in 2017, but that wasn't even a wake up call.

Unfortunately, I'm all too aware that OW number 2 could appear on the scene soon. I think that could cause me to give up. The question is how long do I stand? What will be the final straw?

My IC thinks that my H has no incentive to change, and that he's happy with how things are now. I think she thinks I shouldn't let him pop over to see me, but I think maybe that's the way back to a relationship. I agree it's not enough to call reconnection: it's crumbs really. I don't want to go to no contact, but I think I may have to be out more often at weekends, so that I'm a little less available.

I was doing so well, as far as being at peace with this, but for some reason this week was hard, and I ended up with a real sense of hopelessness. I really can't believe how cold and heartless they become. I'm still feeling shellshocked.

[UrsaMajor]

Making yourself less available would be a good thing. Right now, H has no reason to worry (as your IC pointed out). You are right there where he left you, patiently waiting for him to get his head out of his ..... fog....

Once he begins to feel that the anchor is no longer as stable as he expected it was, he might start to be concerned.

But, even if he isn't, it is YOUR opportunity to do your own work and begin to really Live As If.....

[Savoir Faire]

I'm not sure about the advice your IC gives you.  Every situation if different although MLC is all the same as far as symptoms, the MLCers themselves are slightly different.

Maybe reading Shock's thread will help. Her sister known as Shock's sis, is a former MLCer and gives extremely valuable insights into the crisis itself.  It may help you to see what your H is really doing when he visits.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10914.0

[Didot49]

Thanks Savvy and UM, I have to admit that I have been closely following what Shocksis has to say. She obviously advocates for detachment. I still haven't mastered detachment from H. Some days I really couldn't care less, other days, I realize I still care way too much about what he does and says. He's still popping around here for tea every weekend. He stays anywhere from 1-3 hours. Sometimes we follow tea with a G and T. Talk is all about our kids, and his work. He gives me a heads up when he's planning on coming, and if I'm out, then I tell him that I won't be there.

He knows his job is an issue, but I don't think he's ready to deal with it. My SIL told me that his therapist has told him not to make any decisions until he's sorted out his job and his sleep issues. It's now obvious that H's IC recognizes that his job is partially to blame for his issues. H admits he got burnt out, but his job gives him purpose, his identity, and makes him feel valued. All of which shouldn't come entirely from your job. He is only seeing the therapist once a month, as he is always working or away on business.

We haven't talked about our relationship since February. We give each other very long hugs, and there has been some kissing on and off side February of this year. One of his complaints was that there was no passion between us, so it feels right to kiss him. I know every MLCer is different, and I'm following my intuition on this one. While he was with the OW he wouldn't touch me, so I don't think he is involved with her or anyone else. My IC thinks I could just be bridging the gap between OW1 and a new OW; I know this is possible, and occasionally wonder if he's on the lookout for someone new.

He flew to Palm Springs this morning for a three day break. His last business trip wiped him out. Don't know if he's there with anyone else and trying not to care. He could have easily told me that he was going on a business trip, and I wouldn't have been any wiser, but he was upfront about it. I made a split second decision to join the HS trip to Tuscany. I felt in dire need of a break, and am so excited to meet everyone, and be around others who understand. I'm sad though that there are no more family vacations.

I'm feeling these days as if no one gets this. My sister gives advice, all of which involve putting pressure or giving ultimatums. I just tell her that this won't work in this situation. She tells me that she would have given up by now. My IC talks at length about H's narcissism and the fact that he won't change. She's definitely trying to steer me towards divorce.

At times I see glimpses of the old H, but right now he's a closed book. It's hard to tell what he's thinking or feeling. Very little in the way or texts, and no phone calls from him these days. I definitely feel like I hardly register on his radar. No surprise really given the situation.

He seemed desperate to buy his own place in February, but I found out recently from a family member that he signed a lease for another 6 months. That takes us to the end of January. The New Year may bring some decisions, or maybe things will continue as they are now, who knows!

A friend of H's just died, age 50. He was type 1 diabetic, and I don't think he was managing his diabetes very well, and fell into a diabetic coma. He was separated from his wife, who is a friend of mine. He had crashed his car a few weeks before, by driving in front of another car, and had recently had other diabetic episodes. Possible midlife crisis?

I'm listening to Eckert Tolle's 'A New Earth' on a book on tape. His view is that growth comes from struggle. He also has lots to say about Ego, which I think is a huge factor in MLC. I would definitely recommend it.

I wouldn't wish these MLC ups and downs on anyone, but I'm glad there are others who have walked this path before me who can give support, and I'm also grateful for those who walk this journey too. It helps to feel less alone.

[Evermore]

Hi Didot. Just finished reading back through your thread. I feel very much like we’re kindred spirits and like we’re handling this very similarly (reading about how you can’t help yourself sometimes and have convos with your H is so me as well!). Maybe it’s because our Hs seem to be having similar MLCes (little monster and he pops over frequently for cuppas and chats). I’m a bit behind you so I’ll follow your story and use it kinda like a guide. I know no two stories are alike but it helps I think to see similar stories that are ahead of us because it reminds that even when they have a T&G and come a bit closer, that it means NOTHING! Sam I Am has a similar H as well I think. I read her updates as well. It does indeed help you feel less alone to connect to other LBSs, so thank you for sharing.

[Didot49]

So, I haven't posted in a long while. Pretty much because I've been going through more of the same. Saw a pattern of intimacy with H every 5 months last year. Each time that happened he ended up with anxiety and couldn't sleep so withdrew from me. He has admitted that he has enormous guilt, so I think it may be that.

 Turns out I was totally wrong. other woman, surprise, surprise, was still on the scene. I think they split up and then one of then will call months later and it starts up again. I will post a link to an excellent video about limerence that strikes a chord with me. He drew closer to me in February, July and December. In October he announced that we should just be friends. I told him that it would be difficult for me to see him with anyone else, so we wouldn't be friends. I asked him if he wanted me to make things easy for him, if so I would divorce him. He said no, he didn't want that.

We both went to a family wedding in England. I had too much wine, and started off conversations that I shouldn't have. He got angry and told me that I needed to move out of our house ( it's too big and is a money pit). I had been trying to find somewhere, but my heart wasn't in it, and the right house didn't appear. One thing led to another and we ended up spending the night together the night of the wedding. In a weird comical moment someone knocked on my hotel bedroom door while I was in his room. He hissed at me that people would know I was in his room. So bizarre, I am still his wife for goodness sake. Anyway, it was our of my daughters. She had also had too much to drink. I wandered out of his room to find her asleep in the hotel corridor. H and I sobered her up in my room, but she kept mumbling that our family is a mess. I could see H tearing up about this.

After we returned to the US he wanted to talk to me. Apparently, I ruined the wedding for him because I had too much to drink and wouldn't stop confronting him. He also said that D21's comments made him realize that we are hurting the kids, and he hinted at divorce. I asked him why he said no when I offered to divorce him in October and he said it was because he doesn't want to be the villain. I said he already is. He said his IC said that too and told him he should pull the plug on the marriage. I call bs on that one. I don't think an IC would say that.

Anyway, I was inspired to renew my search for a house and found one almost immediately. I moved into a brand new house at the end of February. It's 4 minutes from my work. I think he was surprised that I found somewhere. He moved out of his apartment into our old house, and will live there until it sells.  Shortly after he moved in I came around to pick up more of my stuff. He wasn't there, so I decided to snoop (I know, I know!). All through this process I haven't been told anything about the OW. All I knew was that she is single, and as far as he was concerned I didn't need to know anything else. I found a postcard in his best side table thanking him for the trip he organized for her and her mother. I then went to his iPad, and he hadn't changed the code. I found out her name from an email about some flowers he sent for her birthday 3 days earlier. There were two emails about her. The other was flowers sent for her birthday the year before. No photos of her either on the iPad, which was weird. So, I gleaned some info from her Facebook page. She's 10 years younger than me, and works for an airline, so can join him on work trips and vacations at the drop of a hat. He loves travel, so does she, so on the surface they are suited. Most galling of all, the fact that she looks like me! The affair has probably been going on since late 2016. He took her to New York for her 40th in February 2017, just days after my dad died (and he claims I was supportive!). I thought the relationship ended in September 2018, but saw from her Facebook that she went to Cyprus and Arizona with him in May and July 2019. Understandably, I was fuming. I texted him with photos of her and told him never to speak to me again. He instantly phoned and we talked for 2 hours and claimed she is just a friend, but admitted he slept with her on those trips. He was all over me in July, directly after one of those trips

He told me that I broke him and she built him up again. This from the man who has spent the last 3 years reading every self help book out there, and is also in therapy. He is riddled with anger and anxiety. She did a wonderful job of building him up!!! He did admit it was a temporary high! He said the relationship with her was not all rainbows and unicorns. I told him that broken attracts broken and he said that was definitely true. He also said that they had seen each other's flaws and told me that he didn't want to be with her and that she didn't want to be with him.

Her Cheshire Cat grin in all the travel photos shows me that she loves the lifestyle with him. She may be able to fly around the world for free, but he can put her up in 5 star hotels. Of course he said that she never asks him for anything. My point was that she doesn't need to as she knows he will give her anything without her having to ask just by using her feminine charms, if you know what I mean.

He admitted he loves me, but surprise, is not in love with me. Doesn't want a divorce, and says something stops him whenever he thinks about it. He said that it's because of our family. He asked me what I want to do, and I told him that I would like him to step back into the marriage, but that I knew he wasn't ready. I also said that I wasn't judging him, at which point he said that I had been surprising in all of this. I told him that he can't be friends with her and expect to have a relationship with me. I also said that if our relationship stands a chance he needs to break contact with her. His response was that I didn't understand relationships!

Today, a week later he told me that she called today to ask for advice on her finances. She's worried due to the Coronavirus impact on the airlines. He stressed that she didn't ask for money. Again my thought was she doesn't need to, she knows that he would turn into the rescuer in a heartbeat. He told me she has no support system, so he's definitely her rescuer in this relationship. He said he went through her budget with her and said that her told her that she needs to move on.

I'm hoping this gives some insight as to how the MLCer  thinks, although I know he's a sample of one. I am trying to have no expectations, but I think my move and my confronting him may have him worried that I may pull the plug. He is in charge of the plants making the ventilators for a huge medical company, so is working 16 hour days right now to get ventilators out to the countries that need them, so says he hasn't got time to work on the marriage. Though he has been in daily contact since I moved, and in turn I have been trying to be supportive of him.

If I was a betting person I would say the affair is still not completely done, but he doesn't seem to be in love with her. She flatters him and makes him feel good and he takes her away and makes her feel powerful. Not a great basis for a relationship. I have reached the point where I am speaking my mind without caring. I told him he is on a sticky wicket if he relies on someone else to bolster his self esteem. That comes from within as we all know.

Much love to you all during this health crisis, it's not like we all didn't have enough to deal with is it?

[UrsaMajor]

Nice to hear back from you!

Mid-Lifers... Don't want us but don't want us to move on...    Really, they have NO clue WHAT they want unless it is the "Happy feelz" of the moment...

[Didot49]

Thanks UM, very true. The thing that gets me is that every time things come to a head he states that he’s going to start putting himself first from now on! Like he hasn’t been doing that for years

[Seahorse]

Didot -
Attaching.
Seems like you're handling things well.
I can imagine the touch n go's are so difficult - I never had those.
Keep your wits, and keep your boundaries.

Stay safe.
Sea

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks UM, very true. The thing that gets me is that every time things come to a head he states that he%u2019s going to start putting himself first from now on! Like he hasn%u2019t been doing that for years

Seriously.... THAT would be an awesome truth dart between the eyes... "And that will be different to what you've been doing for the last x years how?