I’ve been hesitant to join this conversation because for some reason this particular one is eliciting something in me. I’ll have to contemplate that more, but that’s for me to deal with. I feel confident in speaking on the subject of healing from long term abuse that fits the description of “narcissistic abuse,” but with the caveat that even with consensus among professionals about therapeutic techniques for healing, healing is an individual journey. That said, I know some people want this thread to be a Q&A with a former MLCer so I will just state my thoughts and then step back from this point forward.

I just want to say that mistreatment is mistreatment and abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter what you call the person who mistreated or abused you, what matters is healing yourself from it. As a matter of fact, focusing on trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with the people who abused me would be a way for me to focus on them and avoid the emotionally difficult process of healing, which includes a deep and honest look at many things about myself, including what brought me to my relationship/marriage in the first place and my own feelings, behaviors and choices throughout it and after it, and my reaction to both that it ended and the way that it ended.

Even my therapist is hesitant to give a definitive name to my mother or my husband’s or anyone else’s treatment of me. Because she doesn’t know them and because naming it with a diagnostic label would not erase or change anything for me. Reverse engineering myself has been a long and exhausting and brutal experience but it takes precedence over armchair or even clinical diagnosis of my former husband or my mother or anyone else. My healing renders a label moot because in healing, I know that I won’t accept it ever again, no matter what it’s called.

I totally understand that giving it a name helps one begin to understand that this is not about us and being abused or discarded (or both) is not an indictment of who we are or our worth. And that  is an important step, but that to me, jmho, is where the benefit of giving it a name ends.  I personally fail to see how it makes any difference in the LBS healing process whether it is *MLC or NPD (or anything else). IMO, to say otherwise (as the original post does) hints to the idea that there are things you can do to influence or change the outcome, or that because it’s MLC and not a DSM-recognized personality disorder, it will one day come to a near-spontaneous end without requiring psychological intervention or any significant effort on the part of the afflicted spouse.

I just wanted to add my thoughts. I’ve been tempted to start a discussion thread asking what does “doing the work” *really* mean to folks - for the MLCer and for the LBS, how is it the same and how does it differ, etc. 

I knew this day would come and it really hurts. It’s not quite the outcome I was expecting though! You guys have been my rock through the past and I need you again 😢

Found out my replacement is someone 17 years younger than my ex (he’s 45, she’s 28). What the hell?! Please can I get peoples thoughts on this

Was dumped out of the blue last autumn after four years with the man who told all my friends and family he was going to propose to me and we were in the middle of buying property (although we lived together in a rented apartment) and was about to start a family - he brought up conversations about what names to choose. 

We were so happy, never argued and had an amazing relationship (or so I thought)……he left me saying something was ‘missing’ he felt pressured for marriage (despite HIM being the one bringing all the future plans up) and then bizarrely said he wanted to find a wife and a mother?? The man I adored turned into a stranger overnight and I still to this day have no idea why or how this happened? The only big red flag with him is he had never had proper long term relationships before me so maybe that’s where the ‘missing’ bit stems from.

He’s never reached out, blocked my phone and completely blanks me at work.

I always (stupidly) thought he might reflect on what he’s thrown away and open up to talking.

I’ve just found out he’s with someone 17 years younger than him (!) moved her into his apartment and apparently it’s all sunshine and rainbows for him. This girl has apparently told her friends she ‘wouldn’t date him as he was far too old but he’s rich and she likes being wined and dined by rich men. Shes apparently the town bicycle and as one person described her ‘a psycho bunny boiler’ and is apparently plastering photos of their dates to fancy restaurants all over social media - I obviously don’t follow her and haven’t seen these, nor do I want to.

I guess that’s it then. It’s like the heartbreak all over again. I really thought at some point we would be able to work this out and he had just had a huge ‘future freak out’. I’m terrified this ‘girl’ is going to get her claws in and do all the things we had planned and I’m going to have to see it all play out in front of me. Ugh. I have been doing SO well too. I don’t know what to do to remedy any of this or whether he will ever even consider coming back?

Does it take two two tango? Yes. Could I have done some things better? Sure. But what's more dangerous than an armchair diagnosis is to accept or internalize abusive behavior in any form. If thinking of him as having NPD or some other personality disorder keeps him off my mind and gone, I'm better off.

I get what Marvin is saying. In any scientific and clinical approach, you can never say anything with certainty, only that there's a high correlation and .. well there's also a certain liability that goes along with that too, so that's why Lysol says they only can kill up to 99.9999% of germs. And yes, there are tons of over laps and co morbidities and that's why the industry has moved away from hard, Freudian like diagnoses and moved into clusters and scatter plots.

But on this side of the lab coat, saying narcissist, jerk, a**hole.. whatever, if it helps you vent, gets it off your chest and you keep a perspective and check yourself, I'm good. Not to reiterate..

But you make a good point too.. like you said nobody deserves emotional, physical or financial abuse. Nobody asked for it, brought it upon themselves or anything. You're absolutely right and being able to label something (even casually) can help you create a boundary between you and it. That can be very powerful in many ways.

To heal and move on, we must clearly understand right and wrong and sometimes labeling abuse for what it is, is the way to go. I know from experience, it takes courage to recognize abuse and to even admit that it happened. The mere act of doing so is a huge step.

I also understand what Treasur is saying too. I think she means that when the LBS is dealing with the chaotic whirlwind of MLC, it's better to focus on your own healing and not get caught up in the details of the MLC, which is what I'm saying too. If it makes you feel better to call them a narcissist, go ahead, but don't forget to focus on yourself, GAL, take care of your kids, your own mental health and finances and so on and so forth.

All things considered, if xH wants to try to blow things up, I think it will look a lot more like this....

because he is the one living life on the edge of the cliff, not you....

Hi midlifecrisis50,

If below is too personal question, there is no need to respond.

The ideas of possession, alien take-over, multi-universe, or step-in seemed like a very real possibility to me at the time since I was suddenly in a mind that was not my own. 

Did you consider "normal" options, like going to doctor at the early stages? 

And since your recovery, have you seen and spoken to medical professional of what you experienced? And if not, why?

Alvin