[OffRoad]

The trauma from the move may be mild, or it might be buried and come bursting out at some point. I am so sorry that after all this time you are yet in a between land, not quite to where you want to be, but not still stuck where you know you had to leave.  Change is often difficult simply because it is not familiar. I hope you will find your forever home when the time is right.

I am going to attempt to ask this correctly, and please forgive me if it comes out wrong. I am curious, Song, as to why you were looking for the car papers for your H? Does he not have any friends at all who can help him? What is the reason you felt this was STILL your job, or maybe why is it you still want to/think you needed to take care of him? I get that you happened to be there, but it does not make it your responsibility. Why did you bring the dog because he misses the dog?  From where I sit, it looks like you were catering to his whims and wants and somehow that just doesn't make sense, so I'd like to know your point of view, to know what I am missing sitting out here in cyberland where I know nothing of the ins and outs of your situation. Has your outlook changed on that, or do you still feel some obligation/desire to help/something to him? Are you still looking to see if he will come out of MLC, maybe? You don't have to answer, of course, I would just like to understand if I can.

[Dragonfly33]

Offroad, I think you have valid questions there. I also did things like what Songdance did. My H usually contacts me when he gets sick or when something went wrong. And then I come right away to the rescue partly because I feel it is still my responsibility to take care of him and because I guess in my mind he is still my husband. Also I was hoping that he would come out of MLC and see my value and my sacrifices. And of course I guess I was still hoping I could make things better and fix it. But of course I am also aware that I can’t fix it. I just cannot part from that old self who was always a fixer. That’s what I did since I was a child. I became a parent to my siblings  and my mother relied on me. But anyway, none of the things I did changed my MLCer. So I forced myself to learn to accept it. I‘m still not 100 there but I don’t worry that much anymore what my H is doing now or who is he seeing.

[Songanddance]

I am curious, Song, as to why you were looking for the car papers for your H? Does he not have any friends at all who can help him? What is the reason you felt this was STILL your job, or maybe why is it you still want to/think you needed to take care of him? I get that you happened to be there, but it does not make it your responsibility. Why did you bring the dog because he misses the dog?  From where I sit, it looks like you were catering to his whims and wants and somehow that just doesn't make sense, so I'd like to know your point of view, to know what I am missing sitting out here in cyberland where I know nothing of the ins and outs of your situation.

Good question OR.  However it was partially my responsibility as explained below.
The car paperwork was usually in my filing cabinet and it was our shared second car (which we both used to take and carry performance stuff or tow trailers etc).  H had all business stuff in his. The removal company managed to ignore the colour schemes which they had asked us to use to identify whose stuff was whose and both filing cabinets went to H's house. 
H told me that he had received a text from the  Gov.uk about not having the car marked as off the road for repairs and needing to declare it before he was fined (SORN in UK). I then realised that he had all of the cars paperwork including mine, S's and D's. So it made sense to go over and pick all of ours up and find the document at the same time. 

Was I helping, rescuing?  That's up to other people to decide. I saw it as being helpful and ensuring that the separation was on its way to being complete.  I don't accept the comment that I was catering to his whims. I chose to go to see him - he didn't ask me to. I also chose to take the dog. What happened whilst I was there simply re-inforced the reason for the separation and helped me heal a little more.

Re the dog - she was incredibly good for H when he had his stroke and, as part of his rehabilitation, he would take her out for lots of walks and runs whilst I was out working so he had developed a real bond and connection with her.  When we moved to this house, it also became clear that my dog was not coping with the change of house and the reduction in her human family. So she was taken to see him so that she knew he was ok.  Even S (who cannot stand H) said that it was the right thing to do for her

I'm not a vindictive person, I can't be vindictive with H. I can be detached, cool, distant but I will always be kind.  Whether I now fix or rescue is a much more obvious pattern of behaviour that I am working on.

Am I expecting H to come out of it anytime - nope!  Am I deluding myself - I don't think so but then again this is the first time I have been on my own for 35 years - that's a long time to build up a narrative and now it's time to build a new one.

[UrsaMajor]

If H had the papers to your car, S's car and D's car as well as his, I might even be tempted to call it an act of "self-preservation" because, in his state of mind, there is no telling where those papers might have ended up....

I just love it when moving companies ask for things, we do them and then the company ignores them... And we get to PAY for that privilege... 

[OffRoad]

Thank you so much for explaining that to me. As I said, I have no idea of the ins and outs of the situation, and my outside view did not seem quite right. You were trying to sort the paperwork and as a by product, no harm no foul to locate the paperwork he needed while you were in the location. As to the dog, it was the way you wrote " I popped over to see him last week with the dog because he said he missed seeing her" as opposed to  "I popped over to see him last week with the dog because the dog misses him" that made it sound (to me in cyberland) as if you might be catering to HIS whims and wants. Cater to the DOG's whims and wants all you want and it totally makes sense to me.  Not that making sense to ME should be any criteria anyone else lives by.

I really appreciate your taking the time to explain it for me.

[toomanytearss]

Hello Songanddance. It’s been a while. I’ve just finished reading your current thread. You might recall our timelines are about a year apart.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. Reconnected but not reconciled. I am what you would call reconnected but far from reconciled. My choice not being reconciled btw.
It has been a relief for me to be reconnected. Just like you I love my x and always will. So to be able to have conversations with him and to do things with our kids and grands without me breaking down or him being an ass to me is a good place to be. It’s a hell of a lot better than where we were.
I know many people don’t understand it. It’s a grey area I guess. I remember when it all felt black or white to me. Not so much anymore.
I’m sorry you had to move. But I’m excited for you too!  A start over in a new place was a good thing for me. Now I own my own home. It’s very much a reflection of me. And nothing from my married past is in it. It’s peaceful and it makes me smile. I hope that you will find that same happiness in your home.
You know my x left his ow - the first one. He and I didn’t talk or communicate for quite some time back then so I didn’t know too much about it. Then after quite a long time he shows up playing the I wanna get back together game. Lol. I fell for it but didn’t know he was in a relationship with someone else. lol.it’s a long story how that one played out
Who knows what goes through their minds.
He’s been what I call “clean” for a couple years now. He lives in his place and I live in mine. As long as he doesn’t treat my like crap and he’s truthful I’m fine with the connection.
If he chooses to date as long as he gives me a heads up it won’t bother me at all. It’s the lying and being treated badly that has hurt me the most through all this.
If he did that again I’d just delete him from my little part of the world. But as long as he’s being a decent human I am enjoying just being friends. Chatting here and there and sharing some meals together when he is back home from his work.
Just keep being you songanddance. Do what works for you. I’ve found that’s the only way to roll. If any of it becomes uncomfortable for you just know you don’t have to deal with it. I used to just shrug my shoulders at x. Ya know after I got my $h!te together. Lol. He’d say why do you shrug your shoulders at me?  I’d say because I’m sending your crap that you put on my shoulders back over to you. It’s off my shoulders now. It’s your problem. Not mine. 😁

[Songanddance]

It’s the lying and being treated badly that has hurt me the most through all this.

Agree here TMT.  It's the fact that H cannot reconcile his comments about being a "s**t husband and treating me badly" to how he behaves now.   It's almost as if he thinks like a child - " I've apologised now and can carry on doing what I want to do anyway" syndrome.  We forgive children for being naughty (most of the time) because we want to teach and show them compassion, understanding and help them realise  that such behaviour even if you apologise cannot continue.

He doesn't get it.  He doesn't lie about what happens but he fails to see that by being so close to EA - it is still hurtful.

Yesterday I popped over to H's house to pick up GD as second D had stayed overnight and  was spending the weekend painting his lounge (he's paying her) and GD was with her. As it was Sunday it was my day for having GD so that was the arrangement.
 
 H was in the garage putting some sound and lighting equipment away after a group had borrowed it last week, and guess who was there? EA and her husband who were part of the group that had borrowed it.  EA waved at me - I acknowleged with a wave and then went into the house to pack up GD's stuff ready to go.  H didn't acknowledge me until he walked in the house a few minutes later. I am polite but short with him.  EA strolls into the kitchen (her H having left) and makes herself and H a cup of tea using their "initial"  mugs.   No offers to anyone else.
D looked at me and said " In fairness mum she has only just arrived to return the stuff - however I've noticed there is now a third mug with the initial of EA's daughter in the cupboard" 
I sighed - said my goodbyes and left with GD.

I have really good long standing male friends but there is no way on earth I would let them have free rein of my house or have a mug with their initials on  or leave their comfy shoes in the hallway....etc....

Later H phoned me to have a chat because he was feeling low.  I kept it calm and functional to the point of almost business like - no rescuing or fixing.

H really doesn't see what is happening. He is so busy wanting to be rescued but because it's too hard to fix himself,  anyone will do.  I'm not anyone anymore. I refuse.

At the back of my mind are the words EA said to H (in my presence)not long after his stroke last year and just after he came out of hospital. She said to him " By not looking after yourself did you not think what would happen to me if the business failed. I have to pay bills too you know and I want this resolved" 

I was staggered at this - I understood the practical premise she felt it but was appalled at the selfishness displayed, the timing  and the fact H fell for it. His guilt was so immense he fell for it and it reduced him to tears. 
It really is like OW all over again but this time - I'm not that much around to be witness to it. Phew!

Reconnected but not reconciled - it's hard.   It's hard to dismiss what you once knew and to analyse what you still feel for that person in whom you invested so much of your life. In fact it is exactly 36 years to the day today when H and I told each other that we loved each other for the first time. We'd only known each other a few weeks but it was an overwhelming moment.

And here we are now.  Reconnected but not reconciled and living separate lives; it's sad.

[xyzcf]

Reconnected but not reconciled - it's hard.   It's hard to dismiss what you once knew and to analyse what you still feel for that person in whom you invested so much of your life. In fact it is exactly 36 years to the day today when H and I told each other that we loved each other for the first time. We'd only known each other a few weeks but it was an overwhelming moment.

And here we are now.  Reconnected but not reconciled and living separate lives; it's sad.

I know. I still love my husband. He is on my mind every day. I know little about his life and his "friends" but what I do know hurts me, even though I too have friends and a really good life......

This connection is not something that we can"wish" away.

I read so often here that we have to "let them go"...I don't see it quite that way. They let us go. It wasn't our choice at all.

I, and I know others as well, cannot "let go" in our hearts. And it seems impossible to me that I should continue to have these feelings for him because they are in no way reciprocated.

I think it is quite normal for you to have these feelings seeing this person, her shoes in the hallway, her coffee cup in his kitchen...reading what you write, I feel " rage" inside of me..because that is how I would feel to see that.

I accept my feelings and try to live filling life with my own "plans" and experiences. There are occasional days when I feel deeply sad, missing him but that is not the way my life turned out.

I hear you Song. Each one of us have a story to tell and each is different. It is both a blessing and a curse to have loved these men the way we have.

It's almost as if he thinks like a child - " I've apologised now and can carry on doing what I want to do anyway" syndrome.

sigh....."he thinks like a child"..pretty well sums it up.

[Treasur]

It is sad, Song. I think we feel the sadness bc we see what is lost by it and how valuable that is to us and most healthy-thinking humans. And yet it seems they don’t. Or not in a way or in time to change the course we all find ourselves on. Still it’s a sad thing, such a lot of destruction of good stuff.

And gosh, EA OW is a rather nasty self-centred bill of goods, isn’t she? Never doubt that your instinct on that, and her, and how inappropriate and frankly weird her behaviour is. Your h may not see it but the red flags wave around loudly with that one  Sadly I guess your h will have to learn that the hard way.

[Songanddance]

Thank you all

Today I met my hairdresser - I knew she and her H weren't the happy couple but guess what he has become - yep a fully blown MLCer with what he says is an emotional affair. She has her doubts- so do I.

I hadn't seen her for a couple of months and we happened to park next to each other by sheer fluke outside a supermarket.  She blurted out that her H had left her 4 weeks ago for someone else.  I instantly hugged her - she needed it.

It is typical MLC behaviour - hiding his phone - lying about how often he has contact. Telling his own mother something completely different, telling their friends that he's in love with this new woman and of course rewriting their 32 years together.  She is devastated as are their children.

I won't bore you with the details but she said that she didn't know what to do - she compared herself to the OW and she had screamed, shouted and flipped out and now was terrified of upsetting him. 

I have reassured her that she is ok that it is nothing to do with him and that it is all on him - I have asked her to use me as a sounding board- to vent etc... I only hope she does.

My heart breaks for all newbies...... I just wish it could stop.