Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OldPilot on September 05, 2011, 12:25:54 PM
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From the articles this is the definition of a Boomerang, if you have one or would like to discuss do it here.
Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse. The contact may be Monster spew, it may be clingy and seeking reassurance, it may be cake-eating, but even when it seems they will just go away, they bounces back.
EDIT:
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
Oldpilot
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I have a Boomerang although I'm not sure about the clinging type. We have no children so there is no excuses to come back. He has come and gone for a year now. Currently mostly lives here but doesn't come home 2-3 times a week. Seems more like a cake eater. Doesn't know what he wants, affair over but heavy in Replay behavior. Afraid to recommit and afraid to give me up. I never get monster. I have the oldest MLC er on this board (he will be 65 in a few weeks). He is surfing, skydiving and bar hopping. After initial avoidance of everyone he knew, he has reconnected to almost everyone but only partially me. It's difficult and challenging to detach.
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Is there a subspecies that could be called an SCB (Severely Confused Boomerang). My H does initiate contact. He shows up unannounced for brief periods of time. He has timed several of the visits where he thought I would be here, but alas, I was out GALing. He was here today while I was out with my best friend. Soooo happy I wasn't here. ;D
He does work around the house, sits and talks with the kids, fixes himself something to eat. He told me at one point he wanted to work on the marriage, but he has yet to come up with any ideas or movement in that direction. He has shown care and concern for the family, most recently with Hurricane Irene. He will text. I don't initiate contact and I certainly do not sit around waiting for him to show up.
He has me utterly confused as to what he is thinking. He seems to want to be here and then just leaves with no contact initiated for a few days at a clip. I get so frustrated trying to read his patterns of behavior. I do not fixate on him, but I am still giving him too much head space.
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I am divorced, but have a Boomerang. About the time of divorce, I made the decision to let her initiate all contact. She has done that. It's been just over a year since the divorce and the only times I've contacted her have been to respond to her.
The longest time I can remember we have gone without contact is about 3 weeks. There have also been times when I have heard from her mutiple times in one week.
I don't pursue and don't spend as much time thinking about what she might be up to as I used to. She's in Replay (or Escape and Avoidance).
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I am divorced from my MLCer but he is a boomerang - he is in touch at least every week abut one thing or another - some of it is important and some of it isn't.
He contacts me mainly by text but if it's anything 'very important' I'll get a verbose and normally quite pompous email.
When I see him he cannot look me in the eye - he looked absolutely dreadful when I saw him last Weds or Thursday - really bloated and his eyes were dead and heavy. Shark eyes is still in the vicinity so I know how to behave with him.
His energy levels have dropped - I saw them rise in early July when he received a tranch of money as part of the divorce settlement but he has since gone back to being very dark again - money spent and now living the reality of his choices would be my guess but I have no idea.....
He displays a great deal of confusion over very simple things - he owes me half of £220 for our children's school shoes etc and he texted me that he didn't have £220 until next week. I only need £110!
He is hiding from me I think - not really in touch with the chidlren - he and his new wife are buying a house in the village where I work (dead opposite where his Dad lives) - well I think she is buying the house as his name is still on the mortgage of our matrimonial home where me and my children live and I cannot imagine him getting a mortgage right now - if I listen to my intuition it feels like he's under pressure but again I have no way of confirming this. He would never have considered living opposite his Dad and stpe Mother in his old life.....the weirdness continues.
So yes, I think I have a Boomerang and by my reckoning the rumblings of this started back in late 2000 and he's been boomeranging (is there such a verb??!!) ever since I have just realised.
P
x
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I really believe mine would be a vanisher if it weren't for the kids. Monster spew unless I am very careful what we communicate about. Still walking on egg shells!
I think once the property settlement is finalised I would never hear from him again if we had no kids.
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I really believe mine would be a vanisher if it weren't for the kids. Monster spew unless I am very careful what we communicate about. Still walking on egg shells!
I think once the property settlement is finalised I would never hear from him again if we had no kids.
SP-I feel the same way about my H. He would be a total Vanisher if not for our S. I get a lot of Monster spew from my H too. I think he is more of an Off and On and not a Boomerang because he has to force himself to have anything to do with me-even a phone call. He told me he hated me a couple of times and now I'm starting to believe it. I think H feels guilty about our S but not enough to take our S out on his days off. It's a holiday weekend here and you would think he would call up to take his S to do something-even take him for a bike ride or something! Instead, we have not heard from him for going on 3 days now.
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I also have a boomerang. I think he would be a vanisher if it weren't for the kids. When he left he never, ever initiated contact of any kind - not with me or the kids. He does contact more often - maybe once a week - by text and only about kids or bills. I no longer get monster spew but this may be because we do not talk about anything personal. The last few times we did have arguments, he acted like we had never had them the next time I saw him. Now I just stay quiet and let him choose the path of the conversation.
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From the article
"often the children provide a convenient excuse."
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I have a CB but for some reason I never got monster- if I didn't respond to him he would put on the charm and make sure I wasn't mad at him
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crazyforhim
This is from RCR's article specific to Clinging Boomerags:
Though a Clinging Boomerang may have Monster moments and phases, they are likely to be relatively brief, as this MLCer does not want to alienate their spouse
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Clingy Boomeranger? Yes I have one. Totally ensconced over at bowser ows and yet telling me last Monday " My idea of your role is as my bestest bestest friend in the whole world.If someone asks who is your bestest friend I would say "You" and if someone asks you then you say "me" OK?
I answered : Sure.
H: cause that "other thing" we're not good at.
Me: Oh that other thing...you mean our marriage?
H: (laughs) Yeah
I'm going to get more popcorn. Clingy Boomerangers are just like 17 year olds who took out the parents car and are staying out so they don't get yelled at. I am so glad he's a CB. I really am. I can SEE the confusion. I can SEE the jumpy nervousness around me. I can see in his eyes that he feels badly about how it all went down. (plus he told me)
If he wasn't a CB I'd really be in a bad place. I need to see it. It is really happening. He is out of his mind. Temporarily. ;D
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Yep, me too, standard boomerang. I thought he was an "off and on", but RCR told me that he is in too regular contact for that. It's all about the children; up until about a year and a half ago it was sometimes about him as well, when things weren't going so well for him, but that stopped. We hear from him each week, pretty much just admin, as to when he's going to come see them or drive them to activities.
I still find myself having excuses for contact, even if it is just to check on arrangements (but sometimes I really do need to know...), that gets less and less all the time. I do reflect on what I have done "wrong" throughout this process, but them remember that it takes a long time for the LBS to learn as well. I have a life.
Recently he had called and seen a few old friends as well, wanting them to see his new life and accept him as he is now (as far as anyone can tell).
The worst of the replay lasted 2.5 years, the manic bit, but it's hard to tell where he is. He's on job/venture number 4, keeps updating his apartment or buying new toys (cars, etc.); has taken many short and 3 long-haul trips abroad, is on OW5 by my count, not counting just "dates".
It's weird not really knowing anything about his life; I stopped asking ages ago, and know only what he chooses to tell. I do sometimes think that yes, it would be easier if he was a totally nutty clinger, at least then I would know that he is nuts; this way he seems so sane so often that it makes you wonder.
This takes a long time.
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T&L
I think you answered my question. ;)
I posted on the original Grouping thread that I wasn't sure and that I thought he tended towards off and on, but this true of my h.
Yep, me too, standard boomerang. I thought he was an "off and on", but RCR told me that he is in too regular contact for that. It's all about the children; up until about a year and a half ago it was sometimes about him as well, when things weren't going so well for him, but that stopped. We hear from him each week, pretty much just admin, as to when he's going to come see them or drive them to activities.
Interesting, as you observed, it is sometimes about him too.
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I put my ex as Low-Energy and on/off but he also shows a few traits listed here. When I see him he hugs me, cuddles up to me and stares at me just like he always did, in that respect nothing has changed. Then off he goes, and I don't hear/see him for 2/3 weeks. I do fine it hard at tines to get my head round it.
SK x
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Like RCR said, most MLCers are some kind of boomerang.....
Mine could be using the children as a "convenient excuse", or he could be at a stage where he wants to be seen as a good father.
What I have seen at various points is him being in touch, but then pulling back if it gets too much, because he feels that he might be sending out the wrong signals to the children (and by extension, to me) -- he doesn't want to do anything that might make them think (give them hope) that he might come back.
That he has articulated -- and again, in hindsight I see that he does that when in the thick of an OW relationship.
It's hard to say what is "too much" contact for him, but he seems to manage a max of 2 hours at any one time. And one week when there were lots of kid things and we saw him 4 times it really did seem like that was too often for him. Or something.
A while ago (well, more like over a year ago) he was staying longer, so hard to say what this means, if anything.
But no touching -- and he was always the most cuddly person every. Still hugs the kids. Very, very occasionally I get a peck on the cheek, such as when he dropped us off at the airport this summer, but never at home.
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Glad I found this thread. Been musing over 'boomerang' stuff recently.
Think h is boomerang. Sometimes contact, sometimes not. As T&L said, my h was more present in the past than he is now. So I wonder if he's detaching too? Esp when he's o/seas with OW. He is v. formal to me. Not sure what that's about.
He seems to live a boomerang life as everything is ambiguous: injured but does more work. wants at some point to co-parent but apt not big enough. Anxious about money, yet takes cheapest route to see OW.
Could we have a Catch 22 type of MLCer in the list please?!
Sil x
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Well my H is a boomerang too
H visits +/- once a month + an occasional email/text and surprise call in between (for practical things)
There is no special contactwith our S18.(no separate activities tried but did not work for S) . It seems as S and me are a package deal.
There was more contact the first 3 months after BD, probably because I initiated this a lot back than. Also more surprise visits, more crumbs in the beginning.
I have seen a H in full replay heights about his new freedom and I have seen a H crying
But now the extremes seem to be gone
H respects the boundary that S has set from the beginning: no contact with OW + S does not want to go and see H, H has to come around
Our contact is calm and pleasant, a little awkward first moments but everything settles down quickly.
In the early days H liked to mention OW, silly unimportant things but confronting for me (although I did never react)
Now this has stopped, he does not mention her anymore
We went to S's graduation together end of June and nobody could have told that we live separate lives. H even mentioned "If I am more around you then…" but he did not finish his sentence.
I had the impression he avoided us after our evening together, that he ran and went hiding and avoiding (maybe processing) in his tunnel again.
MIL kind of confirmed this as she told me that H has a hard time after each visit.
He said that every time he comes around it feels normal and at home.
Couple of months ago H also told me the same and added that he projected this onto OW.
H visits almost every time behind OW back, also the tel. calls she will probably not know about. H sometimes comes around our house and calls me at work from our home tel NR. So no way she can trace this and emails and texts can be deleted automatically.
H avoids upsetting her and I have the impression this is not to jeopardize his peace & quiet
I avoid asking questions. In the early days when I asked questions I got to hear things I did not want to hear(mild monster).
If I did not ask questions H would fish for info about me, asking how I was doing etc...
H seems to have a good feeling where he is in the tunnel, without knowing he is in a tunnel.
He sometimes describes his feelings and it seems like he has find this forum as well, it is so accurate sometimes.
Last R-info dates from July: H told me that it is not about love and that he will always love me, but that I would not understand (little does he know!). H also told me that he is afraid of coming back (H returned 10 days 3 months after BD), he is afraid it would not work and he does not want to put me through this again + he would jeopardize his R with OW and end up with nothing. Plan A & B thing.
I know I am still in his heart and that we still get along very well.
H wants us to say friends and calls my by my nickname, huggs and kisses me when leaving
This is where we are 1 year from BD
E
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My h is definately a boomerang too. He conta ts me everyday about D and usually later at night as well. But even when D is with him, he still contacts me. He uses
Dumb excuses to text me. He detaches for a few days and then starts texting again. He reminds me how he wants to have fun and is not thinking of us as a couple. But he keeps doing things to stay in contact. For example, today he called to come over and make dinner for me and D. At first I thought no way, but I did agree. Im not sure which type he is, but he's definately a boomerang.
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Kappy
Sounds a bit clingy to me ;)
xx
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I have a clinging boomerang, mine lives at home. My question is why is it important for the them not to alienate us. If my husband thinks that I'm mad or upset he asks me, why? Why does he care since he says that he wants a divorce.
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Confused, My guess and it says so in the articles : They don't want to alienate us bc they don't know what they are doing? They are aware of their cycling confusion. Plus they might be thinking ' What good will it do if I piss her off more than she all ready is?" Plus they are needy and weak. Remember they don't want to be alone. Fear of abandonment (how ironic) If something goes wrong with OW R then they'd be alone. So I think they think they have to keep us hanging around in the background just in case. :o :o
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Well i've thought long and hard about this one :)
I only have virtual contact with my H by e mail only, but it is regular i guess, so having listened to wise words from T&L many moons ago I will put myself in here, but with a reserve on the vanisher just in case ;)
xx
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Maybe you have and "on-and-off". Voyager...
I could be wrong, but I think that what's more indicative is the contact motivation... which might be hard to tell and borders on mind reading...
For example, I concede that my W might be boomerang, as I've kept records of the contact. Which is ONLY email at this time and for the past four months... but what I thought was very little comm, is actually quite a bit... as much as three comms per week... although more than two comms are generally because my W is responding to some logistical questions...
Like I said though, it's the presumed intention of the email... My W might offer salutations like this last one being, "Hope you are well"... and sometimes it might be some story about the kids, positive or negative... but the meat and potatoes of the message is pretty much (paraphrased):
"Now that I figure I have you on my side with pleasantries I've written, you need to accept my offer of when you will get to see the kids because while I will not tell you anything about what's going on in my life, the truth is I have plans to hang with OM and my drinking buddies that weekend so because I know you are desperate to see your kids by now (after a long dry spell without them), I am sure you will see your way clear to taking them at that time."
The point being, the content is not an open invitation to engage in conversation. All my W wants is a yes answer to whatever the content is... Irregardless of the content of the response, my W simply pulls out my "Yes, I want the kids that date" and then communicate with specifics about pick up and return... filtering any other content I might have included...
I think that what I see in boomerangs is a desire to actually communicate... they want to communicate... it might be about the kids, or about finances, or about this joke they heard on the radio, or how they were somehow offended by an office worker... but the communication appears to be very oriented with getting the LBS to engage them in conversation... for what ever reason they might have... perhaps to remind you that they still don't like you and/or to see if you still like or don't like them...
Vanishers might contact just so the LBS knows they are still alive... Off and Ons appear to simply need to connect to keep the LBS on their side, and manipulate so the LBS continues to enable them so they can keep doing what they are doing... More often than not, the contact I have initiated with my W is either ignored or responded with very short responses... if pleasant, I know that something else... some other request, is coming down the pipe soon...
Just my current opinion... :)
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o.k. So next steps? I have a Boomerang and I have detached pretty well now....I only respond to his e-mails about our teenage boys with one word answers........I decided that continuing to keep him pleasantly updated on the boys while he is living with OW very publicly, and he can easily contact them by phone, was just fueling his fantasy. He has dragged out the legal separation and my lawyer said if they do not respond withfinal numbers (he has alot to loose), we will have to go to court. I told my H about a month ago in an e-mail to finalize the legal separation so I can get on with my life. He has never touched me since BD 2 i/2 years ago, and kept wanting me just to co-parent. God told me in 5 different ways that we will reconcile, but He also told me to not be a door mat. Very fine tightrope.
Faithled
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Clingy Boomerangers are just like 17 year olds who took out the parents car and are staying out so they don't get yelled at. I am so glad he's a CB. I really am. I can SEE the confusion. I can SEE the jumpy nervousness around me. I can see in his eyes that he feels badly about how it all went down. (plus he told me)
If he wasn't a CB I'd really be in a bad place. I need to see it. It is really happening. He is out of his mind. Temporarily. ;D
Hilarious! I can totally relate to this. My H has threatened to move out, but he has not actually taken that step. As difficult as it was living with monster for months, I am glad I got to see the deterioration of what used to be a logical, if not always reasonable, mind.
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Wed2Him4Ever,
Totally out of his mind! Now I think some truth darts and the NO JOB are getting to him. Very quiet and invisible for month of Sept. Still at Bowser Ows. I suspect soon he'll start up again but who knows?
I still can't believe my charming and doting H is living across town with a Skank Ho and he blinks his lovely eyes at me like we are in high school still. Thank God for this Forum :)
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faithled,
Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang... especially if they are emotionally all over the place... or we are still on their rollercoaster...
And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?" It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle... and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement... ie. Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting... at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice... ;)
It really does appear that the current frame of mind of a MLCer dictates where they are in the TYPE spectrum, combined with their personality type... my W appears to have had a week of Boomerang... perhaps brought on by the fact that she knew she would be spending "quality time" with OM, so she was in a good mood, yet still somewhat confused... multiple, separate contact (email) involving kids, one regarding a belly button piercing of my D13 (she contacted me as though my opinion actually mattered), once regarding pick up of D9 after visit with me, one asking me if I would sponsor D13 and W for a "cause walk" (in which I was cc'd with a group of people whom my W has spewed venom at so apparently think I'm a horrible person ??? ), and a couple phone call attempts... all framed in very pleasant tones, happy, chatty, etc... the last one (first time W remotely mentioned OM to me) indicated that W was taking "a friend" to the airport (yes, confirmed it was OM by covert, external means) so drop off of D9 would be scheduled accordingly...
If there was any, more clear indicator of boomerang, regarding confusion, conflicting messages, attempts (covert or overt) to get reactions, etc, etc... that certainly would be it... but in my case, we'll see if she stays there or moves back towards more "off and on" behaviour...
The point to that above is just to say if I wasn't in a detached enough frame of mind, I probably would have been all over the contact, engaging and being confused and reactionary... had I not had strong boundaries and found my place of detachment, it would have been extremely difficult.
All types are tough in their own way, but boomerangs... when I don't have one, I want one... when I have one, I want a different one... ;D
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o.k. So next steps? I have a Boomerang and I have detached pretty well now....I only respond to his e-mails about our teenage boys with one word answers........I decided that continuing to keep him pleasantly updated on the boys while he is living with OW very publicly, and he can easily contact them by phone, was just fueling his fantasy.
Good for you! Do you think his fantasy is to continue cake-eating and keep you in limbo long as possible? Looks that way to me. Keep doing the detachment thing, you'll be ok.
And I am glad you are believing for reconciliation while showing H you're no doormat. It will be a fine line to walk but you already seem to be doing really well, so just keep at it!
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Thanks for the above 2 responses. Encouraging. So, my H got his lawyer to e-mail my lawyer to say that his co. is not doing well this year (wonder why), and he wants me to consider going the mediator route. He is nuts....I already aborted that when I found out there is an OW. He is trying to get out of giving me what he owes after 20 years of marriage, our 3 boys chose to live with me, and he has put me through emotional hell. Noone should get away with that....he is responsible for his actions. I am not mean.....I never bother them......it has been humiliating for me. I just want the legal separation to be done so I can look after my sons and not feel controlled by him.
Faithled
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KD
Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang... especially if they are emotionally all over the place... or we are still on their rollercoaster...
And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?" It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle... and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement... ie. Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting... at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice... ;)
I really agree with you on this! My H is a boomerang and he is UBER nice and chatty..when it suits him but I feel uneasy about being too chatty as I dont know how long it will last or whats the right/wrong thing to say/do!
Initiating contact is negative as the response is short and sharp unless they are needing something
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Good discussion, great in fact.
My h was a boomerang... and an off and on "clinger". The guy could turn the charm on and off like a switch. Amazing. Could be sobbing his eyes out one minute about how he could be doing this to such a wonderful person as me, and then be mocking and taunting me about when he was going to marry OW. Yep MammaBear... you got it... TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR COTTON PICKING MINDS! :o
faithled,
Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang... especially if they are emotionally all over the place... or we are still on their rollercoaster...
And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?" It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle... and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement... ie. Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting... at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice... ;)
It really does appear that the current frame of mind of a MLCer dictates where they are in the TYPE spectrum, combined with their personality type... my W appears to have had a week of Boomerang... perhaps brought on by the fact that she knew she would be spending "quality time" with OM, so she was in a good mood, yet still somewhat confused... multiple, separate contact (email) involving kids, one regarding a belly button piercing of my D13 (she contacted me as though my opinion actually mattered), once regarding pick up of D9 after visit with me, one asking me if I would sponsor D13 and W for a "cause walk" (in which I was cc'd with a group of people whom my W has spewed venom at so apparently think I'm a horrible person ??? ), and a couple phone call attempts... all framed in very pleasant tones, happy, chatty, etc... the last one (first time W remotely mentioned OM to me) indicated that W was taking "a friend" to the airport (yes, confirmed it was OM by covert, external means) so drop off of D9 would be scheduled accordingly...
If there was any, more clear indicator of boomerang, regarding confusion, conflicting messages, attempts (covert or overt) to get reactions, etc, etc... that certainly would be it... but in my case, we'll see if she stays there or moves back towards more "off and on" behaviour...
The point to that above is just to say if I wasn't in a detached enough frame of mind, I probably would have been all over the contact, engaging and being confused and reactionary... had I not had strong boundaries and found my place of detachment, it would have been extremely difficult.
All types are tough in their own way, but boomerangs... when I don't have one, I want one... when I have one, I want a different one... ;D
AMEN!!! It took me at least 6 mos. to figure that out. I finally went to N. Z. where the only contact possible was EMAIL. Communication was controlled totally by ME. What I didn't know, assmunch had transferred his "clingyness" (ah is that word hehehe) to our oldest daughter.
This crap is never easy... ever! Whatever type they are, everybody still has to learn how to HANDLE them, or NOT. It's confusing, painful and outright mind boggling. If you do not DETACH, you will lose your mind. Then, what good are you, to ANYBODY?
All of you are sounding great. Take one day and a time and mostly... TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!
hugs Stayed
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KD
Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang... especially if they are emotionally all over the place... or we are still on their rollercoaster...
And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?" It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle... and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement... ie. Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting... at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice... ;)
I really agree with you on this! My H is a boomerang and he is UBER nice and chatty..when it suits him but I feel uneasy about being too chatty as I dont know how long it will last or whats the right/wrong thing to say/do!
Initiating contact is negative as the response is short and sharp unless they are needing something
This is also my experience.
if I initiate contact I do not get a reply most of the times. Well most emails are informative about finances or our S. But if this is about finances and H needs to pay me some money, one would expect a reply with possible payment date.
A sharp reply is usually when H feels pressured in some way
For instance a while ago H emailed me on a Monday that he would visit on Wednesday 6pm. i saw the email on Wednesday 7pm!!!
So I immediately texted that I did see his email too late, but that I was home and if he wanted he could come around
Reply H: "check your email in 5 min"
content email : please arrange for tomorrow to be ready such and such documents :o :o :o
My reply : are you angry? doc's will be on our kitchen table
The day after i got an email in which he told me he was sorry for the day before ::) ::) ::)
It is good that we educate ourselves to be able to see through this and not take it personally
E
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Oh yes, yes, yes... without a doubt, if WE contact them... expect impatience, indifference or just outright nastiness! If they contact us... TOTALLY DIFFERENT person.... :-\
Ugh.... just get on with your lives people... let them twist away on their own.
Hugs Stayed...
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Stayed, I loved a couple weeks back somewhere you were saying "STOP ENGAGING THEM!" I have and it made him like :o :o :o He wanted to know via text : Why are you so quiet? Nothing to say?
Stayed the STOP SIGN works great too! I love that suggestion. When I start to slide into a pity party about H STOP SIGN comes out in my mind.......til later. :) Thank You!
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Mamma Bear... lol ;D , would I lie to you?
Seriously though, if we are not healthy, we can't HELP anybody! Not ourselves, our children and certainly not our MLCer. How can we even know if we WANT to help our MLCer unless we are healthy and content enough to make a good decision?
My fear with simply stating... "I AM STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE"... it is too EXACT! We are a mess. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, how can we possibly make such an important decision as TO STAND or not TO STAND, until we have our equilibrium and sense of world order, under control.
This situation can be the best thing that ever happened to you, if used wisely.
hugs Stayed...
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I am divorced from my mlc'er, but I chose that he is in category Boomerang, but he may not always contact like a boomerang and so is more on and off'er. Not as frequent as boomerang, but much more than Vanisher.
It really has taken me some time to figure out where he is, but I think I have it ! This is an interesting topic. Thanks!
Love and Light- Sideways
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The more I read the more I see the boomerang traits (I call 'em Catch 22 MCLer). Definitely agree when I initiate (rare occasions) the call isn't answered or is 'put off.' I began to do the same to him and got bombarded with calls. Duh!
If I say separation he backs off. At the mo' my communication is fairly disinterested. I can't be bothered to put in much energy. How does he respond? Starts communicating and being helpful!!! Weirdo...!
Sil x
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Oh yes, yes, yes... without a doubt, if WE contact them... expect impatience, indifference or just outright nastiness! If they contact us... TOTALLY DIFFERENT person....
WOW do I remember this!!! WTH is up with that anyway???
I think everything has to be on thier terms and in thier head unless THEY are ready to talk to you they feel bushwacked or something if we make communication first. :o
I try not to bother EXH when he's on the computer. I wait until he comes upstairs to say anything first. I run the risk of forgetting what it was I need to say so sometimes I have to write it down. ::)
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No kidding, EVERYTHING has to be on their terms, their time. That is why I get annoyed when people talk about PUSHING their spouse back into their tunnel. There is NO WAY of knowing what will or won't push them into their tunnel. They CHOOSE to run back in, whenever there is any sort of confrontation or heck, even communication that THEY DID NOT INITIATE...!!! How in the world can we predict what will trigger a response, positive, negative, indifferent?
TRUTH is people... just please yourselves. You are aware of what you are doing, what message you want to send, if he/she does not read/hear/see it the way you intended, that's too bad. Hopefully, some day in the future that/this moment will be remembered and maybe then they will "get" what it was, you were trying to say.
Until then, just be true to yourself. Say whatever you want, when you want... JUST SAY IT NICELY! No hostility, no spite, no nastiness... simply STATE YOUR POINT. Charge neutral and leave it at that. If they try to argue with you about it, simply say, NOTHING to discuss, I am simply stating what I was thinking. End of story. Leave it at that.
hugs Stayed
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I am so new to all this I haven't even categorized H, but I guess he's a Boomerang. Perhaps if it weren't for our S4 he'd be a Vanisher.
H initiates all contact, however brief (and BRIEF it is), and I respond even briefer if at all. Before I went NC, whenever I texted or called him, he'd NEVER respond.
Can an MLCer be a Vanisher if he is very attached to his kid? I really think H is only in touch with me because of our S. As I never initiate any contact, if it weren't for his text mssgs, we'd have no contact whatsoever.
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I think if they stay in touch because of children then they are 'classified' as Boomerangs; I'm in the same boat, as for the most part he'd be a complete vanisher by now if it weren't for the children. The first years he still wanted to talk to me; even up to last year, but now I might as well not exist, and the children only as pals as well, actually.
But we do see him very briefly but pretty regularly, so that's a Boomerang.
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I have a boomerang. He calls or emails me every two weeks and sets up a lunch date. However he is definitely NOT clingy. No affection expressed ever...no smiles, no hugs, nothing like that...
He doesnt know my address so no way to tell if he would come over...but my guess is he would not. He goes to great effort not to inspire any "hope". I think he is being "faithful" to OW.
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I think my H is a Clinging Boomerang. After BD he never texted or called me, but always came home several times a week. Sometimes in the morning making breakfast for us. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night and found him next to me saying he wanted to escape the whole mess he was in. He always kisses me when he comes in or goes away. But since a few weeks he comes home almost every day. Takes us out to the movies, we went to see a musical together with our children, takes me out for dinner. Wants to help me do the cooking, helps me in the garden, baked a cake, cleaned the windows. Things he never done before. But he still doesn't want to talk. The only thing he said last week on the phone was that he didn't want a life with me and the girls anymore and that he would explain me why later on. So I told him that I was very curious and that after his explanation I want split up everything and that we then no longer need to see each other anymore. He was speechless for 5 seconds (thinking about what he had to say now I guess) and then start to scream that he wouldn't explain, cause even after one year I would still blame him.
BTW: An other very interesting thing he said was about all the projections he did onto me. And they were really really really horrible. Especially in the beginning, cause I didn't know what it was. Until I understood they were all issues he was never able to tell his mother. H said to me last week that I was never able to forget about the things he said (is his interpretation) and that they will stay between us for the rest of our lives. 'You could also have thought that I was mentally ill and that that was the reason I said these things to you.' I texted him later on that I don't think they were meant for me, cause he never had been like that and that I forgive him. No reaction on this one.
Are they really capable of thinking?? It seems so.
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At the time of bomb drop my husband told me he never wanted to see or hear from me again, and that I should only contact him if it was about the children. Surprise, surprise. I am now almost 1 year post bomb drop and it appears I have a boomerang although he is definitely not the clingy type.
No affection, no hugs, no kisses. All sorts of strange rejections: refusing to eat with me, refusing to be seen in public with me. However he keeps in touch very regularly, he calls me at least every 10-14 days, he meets with me somewhere every 10-14 days, emails me somewhat less than that. He rarely tells me about himself, but always quizes me about what I am doing.
Phone calls are near normal conversations, meetings in person are often somewhat strained. To say that he acts strange is an understatement. Often he seems anxious and nervous. He has always had problems of projection, where he projects his feelings onto others. For example when he was angry he would say I was angry, when he was nervous about social events he would say I didn't like social events etc. etc.
Up until now I have refused to join him in this strange crisis he has invented. I have an excellent job, a great social life, and although the first four months post BD were devastating since then I have been GALing in a big way. However I always go to the meetings he sets up, and I have never spoken to him badly. If he wants a crisis he must totally invent it, because I will not assist him.
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Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse.
This confuses me and maybe someone can explain it better. I say this because every man would be a boomerang (MLC or not) because in every separation/divorce when kids are involved there has to be some contact for the simple purpose of scheduling visitation times, etc. So, since my H ONLY send me an email requesting to see the kids (whenever he feels he is going to be in town) then is he really a boomerang? Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids. When he is supposed to arrive he sends me a text saying "I am here...tell me the time and place". That is it. I have never received ANY emails about how the kids are or anything else. The only one recently was asking if we could join him on a business trip....again....boomerang or just a father who would rather spend time with his kids on his terms so that he doesn't have to change his business plans?
Thoughts?
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Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse.
This confuses me and maybe someone can explain it better. I say this because every man would be a boomerang (MLC or not) because in every separation/divorce when kids are involved there has to be some contact for the simple purpose of scheduling visitation times, etc. So, since my H ONLY send me an email requesting to see the kids (whenever he feels he is going to be in town) then is he really a boomerang? Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids. When he is supposed to arrive he sends me a text saying "I am here...tell me the time and place". That is it. I have never received ANY emails about how the kids are or anything else. The only one recently was asking if we could join him on a business trip....again....boomerang or just a father who would rather spend time with his kids on his terms so that he doesn't have to change his business plans?
Thoughts?
I would try not to understand it too much, or what if, the fact remains right now he is a boomerang.
Some MLC'ers have no contact with their kids.
Some have grown kids, but all of them are depressed and crazy.
Trying to make sense of someone who is crazy is a waste of energy.
Use it instead to help out yourself!
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what do they call it when the mcer is really only interested in contact with the lbs than he is with his kids?
My h uses contact to get to me and pays little attention to the kids but says its for them.
SD
x
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what do they call it when the mcer is really only interested in contact with the lbs than he is with his kids?
My h uses contact to get to me and pays little attention to the kids but says its for them.
SD
x
CONTROLLING
still a boomerang I think
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As its every day almost he does this, i have a new category then OP.
A Controlling clinger !
sd
x
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Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse.
This confuses me and maybe someone can explain it better. I say this because every man would be a boomerang (MLC or not) because in every separation/divorce when kids are involved there has to be some contact for the simple purpose of scheduling visitation times, etc. So, since my H ONLY send me an email requesting to see the kids (whenever he feels he is going to be in town) then is he really a boomerang? Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids.
This is not true, you are confusing shoulds with actuals. Sure, an MLCer should continue to be involved with their children--especially minor children. But if that is how it works--they do as they should--why are there so many deadbeat parents? Some MLCers abandon the kids too. I know of one who was in contact for the first two years--he seemed a solid Boomerang. But he had been a recovering alcoholic--20 years sober. He turned to drugs and maybe alcohol again and he fell and is still falling years later (I think when he hit rock bottom, he started digging)--he's one of those that gets stuck in MLC. He moved away and last I talked with his LBS, she and their young children had not heard from him for a couple of years.
Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids.
No, there is another name for more limited contact: Off-n-On and Vanisher.
These are subjective. There is a point where an MLCer may be at the border of Boomerang and Clinging Boomeran or Boomerang and Off-n-On. The clear distinction is between clear and frequent contact and almost nothing at all--and I get asked quite a bit whether a newbie's MLCer is a Clinging Boomerang or a Vanisher. That's like asking if a German Shepherd is a Chihuahua! ???
what do they call it when the MLCer is really only interested in contact with the LBS than he is with his kids?
Um...normal for a Boomerang--this is basically the situation in the excerpt JAG highlighted. That's not a controlling clinger--it's just part of the normal attributes of a Boomerang.
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RCR you are so right and so correct....I am confusing shoulds with actuals. I guess I am just thinking that when an H comes to see the kids and doesn't say a word to their wife, they are more like a Boomerang-Off-n-On. For now I must remember that he is no where near able to have a relationship with me and I should count my lucky stars that he is able to have a relationship with my children!
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I have a boomerang who keeps in contact to see kids once a week and every other weekend. He has moved in with ow and stays here once a week with kids and occasionally during his weekend. This is sometimes hard for me and I think it is cake eating? He is only doing what's easiest and most convenient for him, not kids, not ow and certainly not me. I feel he is trying to punish me.
I am beginning to detach and am learning from bitter experience that nc is the best way, except for contact about the children.
I cycle between loving him, hating him, missing him, wanting him and feeling like this is all for the best and I am better for not having sharing my life with me. He shares my children's lived with me but not mine. It's a very confusing time but I'm early on, 6 months since he left.
I am troubled by his R with ow, he's moved in with her and introduced her to his dad and brother (MiL doesn't want to meet her, she's not really in contact with H, this is my Hs FOO issue along with massive issues with step mother and father .... It's all about abandonment and feeling invisible in his parents eyes). But I understand I need to get to a place where I am detached enough to detach from my fear and sadness at this R.
Not sure if this is the plae to ask but has anyone ever spoken to ow about children being introduced? My Hs ow is only 25, and inu opinion and a friend who has met her, a pretty young 25. I would like to talk to her before she meetsy children, not in a m intimidating way, I feel I want to talk to her about my children and find out how she is going to be with them. I cannot risk something dysfunctional occurring because of her involvement with the kids .... Or should I say I would like to minimise it. This may appear controlling? Its probably none of my business etc. but this is the mental well being of my two very young children S7 and D2. If I thought they were at risk physically I would have to intervene, what's the difference if they are at risk emotionally or mentally? If I was the ow or my H wanted to meet with a partner of mine I would welcome it as a sensible and healthy thing to do. Just wondered what people think of this?
My h hasnt even told kids yet, I nearly talked to S this morning because he asked me why daddy wasn't here. Felt like a natural opening to talk, but I got scared H would go crazy because I had said something before he had the chance?????
Poor children, I'm doing my utmost to limit damage, absolute priority.
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I've just joined the boomerang group. Wondering if some point it will change to off and on or even vanisher at some point once my kids are off in college which one is already leaving this summer to start in the fall and the other will be leaving in a year and a half.
The last post in this thread talked about the MLCer staying in contact because of the kids. I have often wondered that in my sitch. He seems to make contact with only the kids and the house as his reason for coming around. That doesn't mean he ignores me when he is in the house...but he doesn't go out of his way to make contact with me for any personal reasons anymore. But as JAG says "he is nowhere near ready to fix or have a relationship with me anyway, so why would he try?"
My MLCer shows up at the house, everyday. Usually it's mid afternoon that he shows up though and never on my days off. He stays pretty clear of me when he knows I am home alone. Teens are out of school at different times. One is a senior and is out of school by 12:30 and MLCer usually does NOT come by that early unless there is another reason to see that daughter before she leaves for work.
The other daughter gets out at 3:00 and he picks her up from school every single day.
When he picks her up, he doesn't just drop her off at the house. Usually they will go have an afterschool lunch or he takes her to the mall to buy her whatever. Then they come back to the house and he hangs out inside for a bit...even if I am at home. He will do odd little jobs around the house..clean the pool, take out the trash, pick up dog poo (which cracks me up), and fixes things as if he has a "honey-do" list. I think he likes to be needed here at the house.
Back during Christmas time, he was the one who decorated our house with lights like crazy and spent a good amount buying new lights..For someone who was never really into Christmas he sure went out of his way to make our house look festive.
It just makes me wonder, that once the girls are not home anymore and it's just me...if he will continue to come by or if he will vanish. I struggle with trying to figure out why he does all this stuff to the house and then figured that he is doing it out of guilt since he is living with OW and her house is beautiful compared to our crackerjack box. I feel like he is trying to at least make our house nice for the girls and feels like he still has a role in making sure his kids live decent.
I feel like it has nothing to do with me....and when he is out of town with my daughters...he has zero contact with me. They went out of town last summer for a month...and he did not contact me at all.
There is one thing he has said to me throughout this MLC and that is "You and the girls are my family...you will always be my family" and "I will always be there for my family"...weird.
It's almost like he wants to still take care of the "family" without actually living here. He wants to do what he wants to do and no one is allowed to say anything about it...including OW. He has made it clear to her, that WE are his family and that he will be here for anything that we need. Why she holds onto him, I have no idea. Any other woman would be like..."yeah we aren't doing this",,,but she still hangs onto him. I think that she must feel like once his kids are out of the picture and away in college that she will have him all to herself... that is to be determined.
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Wondering if some point it will change to off and on or even vanisher at some point once my kids are off in college which one is already leaving this summer to start in the fall and the other will be leaving in a year and a half..
Well with MLC anything is possible.
And I dare say almost to be EXPECTED.
TIME will tell.
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CSL, from what you write it sounds to me like you have a clinging boomerang -- all that doing jobs, considering you all his family and so on seem to me to be the mark of a clinger....
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CSL, from what you write it sounds to me like you have a clinging boomerang -- all that doing jobs, considering you all his family and so on seem to me to be the mark of a clinger....
This struck me aswell. My H stays at our house to see the kids and makes a point of doing absolutely nothing to help. I'm on my own as far as he's concerned. Bit of a contrast to your H CSL!
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I am not sure what mine is. He does not call or text but responds immediately to mine and usually accepts any invitation to do tings. Came to neighbors funeral, my staff Christmas party, etc.
He comes here to stay in my son's room when he is in the area on business and does works around the house, yard, and brings the dog treats. Talks about "our peach tree," and "our taxes." Always welcomes house-sitting when I go out of the area.
He is a champion gift-giver and usually brings something when he comes.
Has not mentioned divorce but when I asked him after BD if this was his intention he said, "not now...but if I meet someone in the future."
Never calls just to chat, but always likes to talk when I see him.
Whadda ya think?
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It's pretty obvious what he has become "theheartknows".... he is now you new, very bestest friend on the planet. He gets to remain the "great guy", you never will want for anything, because he LOOKS after his family, so well, even though he is BAT$HIT CRAZY!
Quite frankly, if you want a good buddy... you got it made. Not sure I would rock that boat. Interesting situation, you got here.
hugs Stayed
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I think you have a 'platonic' husband. Who is 'away' much of the time. I don't even know what platonic means.
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Actually, you have nailed it Calmaityj... he is a "platonic" husband.
hugs Stayed
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I am not sure what mine is. He does not call or text but responds immediately to mine and usually accepts any invitation to do tings. Came to neighbors funeral, my staff Christmas party, etc.
He comes here to stay in my son's room when he is in the area on business and does works around the house, yard, and brings the dog treats. Talks about "our peach tree," and "our taxes." Always welcomes house-sitting when I go out of the area.
He is a champion gift-giver and usually brings something when he comes.
Has not mentioned divorce but when I asked him after BD if this was his intention he said, "not now...but if I meet someone in the future."
Never calls just to chat, but always likes to talk when I see him.
Whadda ya think?
Wow...I think we have "twins"....
You just described the same guy that I know. He is currently "House sitting" OUR house and my youngest daughter while I am out of town with my other daughter for a week. He hasn't called me or texted me while I've been away...instead I have initiated some texts asking about how things are going at the house, and talking about the fun things I am doing on my trip with our daughter and he responds like my best friend...even adds !!!!! for emphasis on some of his replies. ie; Have fun!!! Drive safe!! Have a good night!! ;)
I'm curious to find out if he has slept in "our" bed while I am away. There was another night last month where I spent the night away from home with one of my girls, so he stayed with the other daughter and he slept on the couch and didn't go near "our" room. However, this time I have been gone for 9 days. I can't imagine him sleeping on the couch every night for that long.
Mine never calls to just chat either. Some days that is really hard for me...because I miss that "chatting"...it's funny how they treat us like we are good neighbors or something. I have caught him saying "we" instead of "I" on a few occasions. I'm sure it's just a slip...once I get home on Sunday...he will be right back to OW's house. Wonder if his 9 days at our home did anything for him...doubtful.
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The fact that they don't call or text is normal behavior for a clinger I guess. Usually mine doesn't call nor text me. Sometimes he sends me pictures from the children from the time they were little. Very, very sad. But he comes home several times a week and we go out for dinner, to museums or to the spa. Buys me flowers and sometimes a present. Always calling me his wife. But when he is gone it just looks like I am completely out of his mind. Like he is living in two different worlds.
And the strange thing is that he says he comes home to see the kids. But that is absolutely not true. He doesn't pay any attention to them. Even leaves without saying goodbye to them. He comes home to see me.
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CSL and Niek,
This sounds so familiar it has got me wondering if my H has been disappearing to one of your homes!!
CSL, I get the exclamation marks and encouragement in replies to my texts. He is like my personal coach: "Way to go!" "Yay for you, enjoy!!"
Too bizarre for words...I think Niek is on to something with the two different worlds though.
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Definite clinging boomerang over here. BD was May 2010, he moved out Nov 2011. He acted like it was painful to be around me when he was here, but panicked slightly when I agreed that he should move out. He would come back every weekend to be with "the kids" and called daily. After a while I noticed that some days he never even asked to speak to the kids, just me. If several days went by without me talking to him, I'd get an email or text. A few months in, he even suggested that it was time we bought a bigger house - something we'd been on track to do before the alien abduction. :)
At one point I asked him to stop pretending it was about the kids. I said if it was really only about them, he'd find a way to make plans with only them and not always have "family time." He didn't disagree.
I found it most challenging in the beginning, before I knew about MLC (or the OW - which he denied for over a year). I could feel him wanting to be close, then he'd turn his back on me again which made me wonder if I was imaging it. It kept me engaged, which I guess was the whole point. Now that we're reconnecting he says I wasn't imagining it, he was just scared.
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I have a boomerang, it is dressed up as only being about the kids or money but he just wants the reassurance of contact, I can feel it when I am with him. It's weird, he wants to be with me but doesn't want me to speak about anything serious so I don't. I know it is just for comfort but why does he need that comfort if he is so sure he is where he wants to be. I just keep it safe and neutral, for my benefit more than his.
I can't help but wonder what the OW makes of his contact, it must disturb her. She is currently playing the saint but that can't last forever. I would be really upset and frightened if I were her.
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I have an angry boomerang, comes back and stays here two nights a week to look after the kids. Sometimes stays at weekends, tells me I shouldn't be here, I say, everytime, but I live here! He's now insisting the two nights a week is long term??? He wants a financial settlement and separation counselling in order for us to learn how to communicate for the sake of the children. It's very confusing. It's just weird.
Just wondering what close contact is? RCR thought my H close contact, I think boomerang of the very angry non clinging kind!
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I think that mine is somewhere between a Boomerany and a Touch & Go, he has stated that he doesnt want to contact me because it gives me false hope. Initiation of contact varies, not long after BD2 he emailed and asked for our builders details for a friend , he will keep up an email or text conversation about random stuff and then get uncomfortable , maybe he realises how easy it is to forget he has left when are exchanging jokey texts about something . If we speak the same thing happens even about diffcult subjects I think he forgets and then shuts off when he remembers.
The other side of that is that he can go for a week or so with no contact . It has now been nearly two weeks but I have to add to that that I decided to go NC as he was so erratic , emotional or hurtful teenager. He does not monster as such he does say hurtful things to get a reaction .
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Not sure if I have a boomerang. We exchange our D9 3-4 times a week but other than that he doesn't initiate contact. Though when I wanted to switch from spliting weekends in half to doing every other weekend he was adament it was not happening. Not sure what that is about.
editing for spacing.
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Strange things are up with my boomerang. Contact has diminished to once a month, but he says some non tunnel like things every once in a while.
How are you? he asked the other day. First time in 17 months that he asked.
Thank you he said when I told him he could stay at the house on trips
Do you want to meet at the (restaurant I like)?
He is talking less like the alien now that he lost his job....less talk that is paranoid, more like himself.
I mean lets not overblow this, I dont even get eye contact, much less affection. But still progress is progress. Even if we never get back together I would like to see him become a normal human being, and he is almost beginning to sound like one.
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Indeed, another month has passed, and I have had a resumption of civil, if brief, conversation.
He can only talk to me briefly before he becomes annoyed, but at least he no longer seems like an extraterrestrial...
Only he knows what he is thinking....
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My boomerang bought McDonald's breakfast at 7 am yesterday morning and brought it to the house for the kids. I noticed he put a bag for me on top of my purse and a smoothie next to it. He didn't say anything to me and I almost just left it there but ended up drinking the smoothie. I did not thank him..usually I'm all over the thank you's for what he does for me..but I've quit doing it. The less I speak to him the more he tries to be sweet and get my attention...as Taylor Swift would say, "This is exhausting!"
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Can I assume that I have a clinging boomerang for my H. He still wants to live at home (he has to as his business is run from home) and tries to be chatty and upbeat. Talks to me an awful lot about the business etc....but keeps disappearing off - spent last few days on holiday with OW. Returned adamant he wanted to stay at home more because of our S, the garden, the dogs (yeah right) Today did lots of jobs around the house and still went off to see OW. Sent me a text that he would probably stay away overnight - my reply was terse and told him that I found his behaviour hurtful and insulting and I deserved better. He replied - didn't want to be hurtful so would be back tonight! Find it quite amusing that he wanted to be insulting though!!Apart from cake eater what is he - a CB?
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I would venture to say yes he's a clinging boomerang!
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I think mine is a boomerang but not the clinging variety, although maybe would have been if given the chance.
He checks in most weeks via text or email, would phone if I would talk to him.
Older children so they do their own thing regards contact with him.
He has been more control freak than angry monster, but seems to be very respectful of any boundaries set, pretty well behaved child really which is what he was when younger by all accounts, but I see a very manipulative side, he does things in the nicest possible way to get what he wants.
x
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Is it strange that I'm a little jealous of those of you who do have boomerangs??? My H isn't a boomerang...he has COMPLETELY cut me/us out of his life. Doesn't email, doesn't call. He just wants to be left to himself. He will not talk to anyone about what he has done. It makes me feel like I was worth nothing to him. I loved and doted on that man for years and now I feel like we are strangers and he doesn't even think twice about me/us anymore.
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Mof2
Not strange at all to be jealous very natural I would say and these mlcers are all different.
I will say this though in the long run I think it will be easier on you because having them check in all the time keeps the emotions hanging on, they like to put out little bits of hope to keep you hanging on and it becomes like emotional cruellty.
x
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So OP, does that mean he will never regret his decision considering he is finding it so easy to stay away?
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Not OP
But I think he has as much chance of regretting his decision as the rest of them, just needs to be back in reality first, same as the rest of them.
x
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I'm sorry stayed. Thank you for your response :)
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I'm a dork...sorry crazyjourney
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So OP, does that mean he will never regret his decision considering he is finding it so easy to stay away?
Yes but it wont be on your time schedule.
Does a pot of water on the stove boil faster with the lid on or off?
If you keep looking inside the pot what so you think will happen?
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mof2
My H is a clinging boomerang. He has hardly missed a day visiting in three and a half years, (although he HAD to leave cos he was bored)
He has still not spoken to his parents or siblings about any of this. Anything they want to know, they just ask me. The only thing they do know is that they no longer recognise the person he has become.
Believe me, having a boomerang is nothing to be jealous of, it just makes it harder to detach because they never stay away long enough.
In the long run though, I don't think it matters which type of MLCer they are, they still have to work through it to the end.
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Mof2
You are certainly not a dork, you sound to me like a very nice normal caring wife who suddenly finds her h has taken leave of his senses and has left you reeling.
It takes a long time to get it all into perspective and then some more and some days you slide back and think you are nuts to believe it all.
What can I say it has to be mlc.
x
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I don't even know any of you personally, but love you to pieces and hate that you all have had to endure this pain as well. I just pray that all of you have a blessed future and that you receive the wonderful love that you all deserve. It just turns my stomach as to how selfish and horrible people can be. Thanks :)
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Mof2... I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Having a CB or B (which some days mine is a clinger other days just a boomerang) is exhausting to say the least. Mine still uses his key to let himself in at anytime he pleases. Me and the girls have woken up in the morning to find him in our home, helping himself to whatever he wants. He has never respected my privacy, and I have to be careful of what I am wearing or not wearing as im getting ready for work in the morning. At the beginning of the MLC he would show up in the middle of the night and try to sleep with me until I put a stop to that. He comes by to check the mail almost daily, which he lives with the OW so not sure why he doesnt forward the mail. He is attached to a big yellow lab dog that we have and spends a lot of time bathing him, buying treats and checking up on him. He usually can't go more than a week without texting me about something unimportant. I think that is his way of checking on me to see if I respond. Usually I will. I have been dealing with constant boomerang for 4 years and I'm wishing he would just vanish at this point. Detaching from someone like what I have now, is next to impossible.
I have thought about doing my own vanishing act at some point soon just to get away from this. It is not good for your emotional health to deal with someone who is so confused and is basically living two separate lives and eating a whole lot of cake while he's at it.
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I'm not sure what mine is any more; was a 'regular' boomerang for a long time, but now seems to be doing a vanishing act. I know he is still alive, but we haven't seen him for nearly 3 months now; the kids have had the odd text and one call. Legal monster is going on, though, so I'm really not sure what is happening.
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I'm not sure what mine is, he comes once a week to look after the kids, stays Tuesday night and I make myself scarce. Other than that he just wants a divorce and to come out of this not stinking of $hit so he is making me take the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. He has become hugely successful professionally since he left me a year ago and sees that as vindication for his leaving me. I held him back and made him incredibly unhappy.
He has never once, since 5th may 2012 made any sign that he misses me or likes me or can stand me.
Is he a boomerang?
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Yes, I believe that is classic boomerang, one who comes each week. I don't think it's supposed to mean that he comes for us, necessarily -- those are the clingers.
And something that was pointed out to me -- it was in an article that someone copied somewhere here (clear, huh?):
If the MLCer thinks that the LBS is so awful, why leave the kids with them at all??
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Does anyone have any idea of "why" they boomerang?
Is it just hard for them to fully let go?
Is it just about the kids and making sure they get them to 18 so they can say that they raised the kid?
Lately my Boomerangs seems to make it only about the kids. Like a few of you have commented about your B's not giving any affection, attention, or any indication that they even like you....I feel that as well. Sometimes I feel like he does try to be friendly and be more like a friend, but then I think...I don't need friends like this.
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Honestly, I have no idea. Hopefully Rollercoaster or DGU will jump in here and explain the difference or OP maybe.
I think they are just selfish and self serving. They want to keep one foot in the door and at the same time, be SEEN as good, responsible people. Who are honoring their familial obligations. Look at me, look at me... see what a great person I STILL am.
Hugs Stayed
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Does anyone have any idea of "why" they boomerang?
Is it just hard for them to fully let go?
Is it just about the kids and making sure they get them to 18 so they can say that they raised the kid?
Lately my Boomerang seems to make it only about the kids. Like a few of you have commented about your B's not giving any affection, attention, or any indication that they even like you....I feel that as well. Sometimes I feel like he does try to be friendly and be more like a friend, but then I think...I don't need friends like this.
It's a combination of those things and may vary with each individual.
MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.
But since MLCers literally don't like change, they are still hesitant to step away from their real world completely. What if it goes away and when they look back nothing is there? There is a comfort and security in the routine of being in the house--home--where their family lives. An MLCer may not have the energy for high-level interactions, so they just sort of sit there on the couch doing nothing, or they keep themselves busy doing chores, but they are still home. Home is the place of hearts and hanging hats and there may be an unrealized physiological response of calming when home.
And many do want to keep up their duties. They don't want to be the bad guy in all this--and to that we sort of have a huh or shocked face :o because they are living with someone else and yet still think this will keep them from being the bad guy or it will balance out or erase the negatives. Positives don't erase negatives. If you go shoot and kill someone and then spend the rest of your life as a volunteer doing good works the person you killed is still dead. The irony of the MLCer is that they are doing both simultaneously; it's sort of like they have a baseball bat in one hand and they are hitting you with it and the law mower in the other and they are mowing--while hitting you. And they are complaining or yelling about how you should be appreciative and give them credit for maintaining the lawn.
CrazyJourney,
My question for you is after this long, why are you still allowing him such access? In the beginning this is important for Paving the Way and being an attractive force, practicing interactions, enticing him with the comfort of home... but now you are at a point when he needs boundaries. He's living with someone else and has free reign at your home? Why? He should not have access at all and he should be told why. Now I haven't looked over your situation, so I'm only going off of what you posted here about his access and that you've been doing this for 4 years, so I am asking as a generalization regarding your context.
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Wow, you have hit that nail right on the head RCR. My MLCer has always tried to make me feel like I should be grateful and appreciative for what he is doing for the house and the time he spends here and the bills he pays etc...all the while living with and having relationship with OW.
I think you were probably meaning that last paragraph for me instead of CrazyJourney, or are we both dealing with same issues after 4 years? (I'll have to go back and read her thread).
I will answer why I have "put up with allowing him access to the house"....
My MLCer is VERY controlling. When I have asked him to knock in the past, he agrees to it and then within days is back to letting himself in with a key. Or he will knock and then 2 seconds later..enter. I suppose for the most part, I have dealt with it because he exhausts me. He is worse than a 3 year old that doesn't listen.
Then on the other hand, I think I wanted to attract him back to the home in a way. I had read a lot about making yourself and the home attractive by good smells (ie; cookies baking, food cooking, his favorite perfume, clean home smells) and also making other aspects of the home desirable and essentially making it "home." So in order to do that, I had to let him come over, hang out...get a good idea of what he could be missing if he was not allowed in the home. At some point, I had planned on setting a boundary to where he was now allowed access to the home anymore, after he had a good long taste of what home was about. I guess I just hadn't gotten mad enough at him to fully put the boundary in place. Well that, and "you get more bee's with honey" kept going through my mind because in my situation it is VERY true. The more I was easy to deal with and let him go through that revolving door, the easier my life has been in dealing with him and the financial situation. Once I put up boundaries, he likes to take things away from me or make my life harder (a good example is when he shut our checking account down without telling me. Little did I know that banks only require one person to close an account).
So before I make this a huge long read, lol...I am ready to start setting those boundaries. I know I will get monstered at. I'm not so sure I'm ready to deal with Monster...but there really is no other choice at this point. I either tell him that he has to stay out of the house or I will end up having to move out.
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CSL I am one year in to this and my H comes once a week to look after the children and has them every other weekend. He was staying two night but since we told the kids I felt it was confusing for them. It is also very difficult for me. waiting for him to come home late Monday nights and hearing him moving around upstairs and texting OW. My H sounds very like yours. If I stand up for myself he doesn't like it and monsters. But I have been feeling like enough is enough and I have been sitting down and thinking what do I really need from this situation right now to ensure I feel okay and able to look after our children?
But since MLCers literally don't like change, they are still hesitant to step away from their real world completely. What if it goes away and when they look back nothing is there? There is a comfort and security in the routine of being in the house--home--where their family lives. An MLCer may not have the energy for high-level interactions, so they just sort of sit there on the couch doing nothing, or they keep themselves busy doing chores, but they are still home. Home is the place of hearts and hanging hats and there may be an unrealized physiological response of calming when home.
My H has said for years "I'm changing, you're not letting me change. You don't want me to change. You are trying to hold me back." Is this projection? Is it actually him who is resisting change? If he doesn't like change then why change everything in his life?
My H doesn't seem to feel calm and comfortable at our house, although he did used to sit around on the sofa falling asleep etc. Since I put in the boundary that he cannot stay except one night a week, and he cannot keep hold of a key he flits in and out if he can. It's odd. I thought I was paving the way and didn't want him to feel I was kicking him out but it just seemed to be cake eating .... on the one hand he wants to live with ow, a divorce and a financial settlement, on the other he wants to come and stay at our house twice a week because it is convenient for him to see the children. I don't know if I have done the right thing, but we need to get used to him living somewhere else.
I am sure my H feels 'kicked out' ... I started packing his stuff up as we need the space for our sons room. He was angry, said he wanted to do that with our son and then move son's things up to the room so that son didn't feel he was 'kicking his Dad out of his room' .... this is his projection, he felt 'kicked out' by his step mum and his mother never gave him a room at her home when they divorced. It is so hard because I can see that packing up his stuff was a bad move but I have to show the children that Daddy has moved out and that they cannot think he will move back, which is what they want to happen. H is adamant that kids have no hope of reconciliation so I am following through on this by packing up his things. I just feel I am walking a very scary tightrope and I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
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MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.
RCR, this is amazing! It is so so true! MY H was a ROUTINE FREAK! Even more than me. I think that my son's birth was a lot to get used to and only 8 months later we found out we were pregnant again (a planned pregnancy!). Well, from that moment, the possible change was too much! So what did my H do? He found a woman who would be able to follow him on his business trips and vacations without ever having to hold him back (kind of like I was when I was 21 and we first met and were not married, didn't have full time jobs and did not have children). My H regressed completely. He went back to living like he was in his early adulthood without worrying about money, children, future. All he has to do is worry about himself. So, yes, OW does represent what could have been had he remained in a marriage without children. He loves his kids for weekend visits where he can play "dad" and then go back to his "what could have been" lifestyle. Sorry for going on and on...but this is so good in terms of making everything click for me.
Thank you....as always RCR!
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MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.
RCR, this is amazing! It is so so true! MY H was a ROUTINE FREAK! Even more than me. I think that my son's birth was a lot to get used to and only 8 months later we found out we were pregnant again (a planned pregnancy!). Well, from that moment, the possible change was too much! So what did my H do? He found a woman who would be able to follow him on his business trips and vacations without ever having to hold him back (kind of like I was when I was 21 and we first met and were not married, didn't have full time jobs and did not have children). My H regressed completely. He went back to living like he was in his early adulthood without worrying about money, children, future. All he has to do is worry about himself. So, yes, OW does represent what could have been had he remained in a marriage without children. He loves his kids for weekend visits where he can play "dad" and then go back to his "what could have been" lifestyle. Sorry for going on and on...but this is so good in terms of making everything click for me.
Thank you....as always RCR!
this makes sense to me too. regressing to a life not dissimilar to the one we had when we first met. ahhhhh get it now! ::)
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So now that we've pretty much nailed why they do it...how do we ever get them to want to include us or want us back? If the new life they have created is so fantastic and they love being without any responsibilities, why would they ever come back?
Sadly, I do not think mine is ever coming back. He is way too caught up in his new lifestyle and clearly is loving being with the OW and her riches and doesn't need me. I truly think that if I did not have kids at home, that he would never come around at all. Well I take that back, he would come around for the dog. Once the dogs are all gone...then all that is left is me and he does NOT want that.
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this makes sense to me too. regressing to a life not dissimilar to the one we had when we first met. ahhhhh get it now!
Ok this is freaky, when I met H I was getting out of a really bad marriage and he was knight in shining armour rescuing me......
When he started up with ow, she was just getting out of a bad marriage and he was tarnished knight in shining armour rescuing her!!!!
WOW :o :o
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So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.
Hoss is literally in his childhood bedroom, the way it was before he and his dad had "the big blow up" - and OW, though older than him, is very reminiscent of his first GF, who had also spent time living with the family around this time. He's replaying the way things could have been had that event not happened and the GF chosen him instead of the other guy she dumped him for (in the case of OW, this put that role on her H).
So now that we've pretty much nailed why they do it...how do we ever get them to want to include us or want us back? If the new life they have created is so fantastic and they love being without any responsibilities, why would they ever come back?
Sadly, I do not think mine is ever coming back. He is way too caught up in his new lifestyle and clearly is loving being with the OW and her riches and doesn't need me. I truly think that if I did not have kids at home, that he would never come around at all. Well I take that back, he would come around for the dog. Once the dogs are all gone...then all that is left is me and he does NOT want that.
But just as life is not static, the situation won't be for them, either. Between the changes in the R with OW (isn't she an older woman, in your H's case? Her health, her financial status, her replacing him with someone new...all things that can change)...plus his fog lifting (if it's hormonal/chemical)...you don't have to work to put yourself back in his mind. You had a life, a home, a family together. That's still in there, under the stupid.
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That's still in there, under the stupid.
THAT is hilarious.
My H has told me that he was trying to make things like they were with us in the beginning with the OW: the freedom, the travel, the kind of life you can have before family.
TT, it's so hard to struggle with what to do on a daily basis, to find your spot on the tightrope. For me, I found it helpful not to think in terms of doing the "right" or "wrong" thing, but the thing that was most beneficial in taking care of myself and my children. I thought I would NEVER pack up H's things, but one day it just felt like it was time. Yes, he got mad but it was also a reality check for him. It was another chink in the fantasy.
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I really can see that my H is also trying to live the life that "could have been", had we not had children, or perhaps if the children didn't really need us..... the more I see of the situation (which, admittedly, isn't much) the more that becomes apparent.
I never used to think that he was trying to find another me, but it seems that that is happening as well. And seeing that just takes time.
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My H actually told me that the OW reminds him of me in the early days. She has the same interests as me but is married and has 2 "dysfunctional" (his words not mine) children plus is still living at home with her H!!!
Not quite sure how that reminds him of the early days.
My CB is still living at home - but sees her quite a lot. He is definitely Knight to her damsel.... So at the mo I am just paving the way and alternating between dim and dark but feel that I need to set a boundary some time soon - once I have picked up enough courage to do so.
Not prepared to kick him out as he has to choose to leave as I have said to him that if she means that much to him then he should just go and do it quickly. That was 6 weeks ago......
Since then I've been working on me and he's noticed......
Still very early days but dread the thought of him being a CB but living with OW - couldn't do that - too painful to contemplate.
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I don't really understand how the OW represents a fantasy life. As I understand most of the OP have personality disorders. And someone in MLC is very very negative and IMO the OP must be someone as negative as they are. My H told me he has daily fights over there. That doesn't sound like a fantasy life. Moreover I have always read that people with Foo issues but who are unaware about them (f.e. emotional abuse), will always look for a secure relationship in the first place. Someone who doesn't remind them about their trauma's. But their trauma will never be resolved that way, so later in life they almost unconsciously will look for someone who reminds them of this trauma so they can sort it out. And in my case my H almost literally picked her from the streets, yelling at me that he was now with a complete stranger and that this was all my fault. Yes right.
Anyway, I think this theory explains also why my H told me several times that he didn't want to do this, that he didn't want to change anything but that he HAD to in order to survive.
In my case the OW is really really really an affair down. In every aspect. I think she is a borderliner or in MLC herself. I don't think that is much fun. And I think we as a family had a very fun life, doing a lot of things together, with and without our children. And now? The only trips abroad are when he is going to play golf with his business relations.
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It is true that every case is different, in my case I do believe the OW represents a fantasy life, a life without responsibilities. The things that have stood out for me is that my H said, about 6 months after leaving, that what he liked about living away was that he could just do whatever he wanted to after work and so on.
I think the first few OWs blew up because they didn't buy into that, but in truth I really don't know.
H wanted that "in love" feeling that he had with me, he even said that one of the OWs gave him that. And that one he finished with because he didn't have that. I have no idea about the current one.
A couple of years ago he also said that he didn't want to go back to having to budget carefully -- i.e. have responsibility. He still just wanted to be able to life "free and easy". Perhaps current OW is OK with that, perhaps she just likes that he has an expensive car and takes her to expensive restaurants. Who knows. She has children, but they are away at schools, so not around on a daily basis. I don't know what the arrangements are.
So no responsibility, just "whatever he wants to do". It's not the OW herself as a person, it's what she represents.
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Oh Trustandlove - that helps me a bit although I am a little worried now.
My H is still at home but sees OW quite a bit (and is probably doing so as I write)
He has been spending money out of his business account like no tomorrow and our bookkeeper has said there are no receipts against the expenditure. OW is supposedly financially independent but how come she still has to work??
However H has said that he is in love with her and she with him..
She is definitely affair down (married with children and very twisted past)
Difficult to understand how this could last - especially when his money runs out. Good job I have my own income which he cannot touch!
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Songanddance, of course it can't last. If it's all based on the infatuation "high", as well as her being so messed up, there really isn't any way. Not for my H either, actually.
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Trustandlove,
I know that it cannot last deep down inside my gut - doesn't help the pain though does it and I am such an impatient person. Fortunately, thank God, I found this site and all the articles because I am becoming the most patient and calm person I know.
Just want him to stop thinking that OW is the panacea to his pain - patience, patience patience...........
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I don't post very often but felt compelled to comment on this. My sitch is different to a lot on here in that we weren't married and don't have children. My WS never wanted children and I tbh was happy to go along with that. MLC in my mind is not just something that "happens" to married men (or women) with children but to anyone who finds themselves faced with feelings of unhappiness (because of depression or whatever reason) they look at their lives to see why and often reach the conclusion that its their whole life that wrong and the cause of their unhappiness. So they want the complete opposite of what they have - mine had the life of Riley and has swopped it for a life back in his home town, living with his mum, in his old bedroom, trying to recreate the life he had when he was 20.
WS was quite lucid after BD and told me that it was little things at first, but it was never about me, he the started to resent me because I was happy and had everything and he felt like he had nothing. He didnt know who he was or what he wanted. Except he wanted to be free to live his life like he had at 20 when he was the centre of everyone's world and got invited to everything. In his mind he couldn't rekindle old friendships, play golf or whatever and be with me. He couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that he was responsible for letting those friendships lapse. That was apparently my fault.
His OW is a married mother of 2 small boys who he had a few dates with before he met me. She is the polar opposite of me in every way. His life now, or what bit I know of it, is the polar opposite of our life. He is truly unrecognisable to me as the person I was with for nearly 15 years.
Point is though its the total OPPOSITE of what he had and the total oposite of what many of your H or W have run too. Because in my mind its not just about regression its about running to the fantasy world they had been constructing in their twisted messed up minds and they believe that doing that will "cure" their confusion, depression, unhappiness, whatever.
I guess the point I'm trying to make in a rather convoluted way, is that we shouldn't beat ourselves up thinking they are having a wonderful time being free being with someone younger or whatever, it not about that its about them trying to make the fantasy a reality. As we all know in most cases fantasy rarely stays that ::)
As trustandlove said its not about OW its about what they represent.
Hugs to all
Xx
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Ok - I have bought, read and re-read RCR's brilliant articles on Clinging boomerang and know that my H is one. But am bit confused as to what boundary I should now set as CB's are supposed to get them a bit earlier.
It is nearly three months after bomb drop - he lives at home, carries out all the tasks he should with relative calm and I only get a bit of monster. He said recently that I had given him space which he appreciated and he also thanked me for not talking about the R. I now understand going dark and am starting to do so but now he has disappeared off for the weekend again probably with OW, I have had enough of this really. I was not surprised especially when he had fixed lots around the house yesterday. I think I am enabling cake eating.
I have a good life apart from him and am busy so able to detach sooner than I thought.
He's just sent me a text telling me that he's staying away overnight. I haven't replied and don't intend to. So do I need to tell him on his return that he cannot have me whilst he sees her so limited contact is the order of the day? I did write that he couldn't have us both in a letter a few weeks ago. Is it too much too soon to say it again? Or should I just go very dark and let him stew?
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bump
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Female Clinging-B
- Still at home
- Still conducts normal house duties (if not too tired; and she is tired a lot, but still..)
- Still does things as family (mall, beach, etc)
- Still wants to do things with me (dinner, socializing, date night, etc)
- Will want to "make up" as soon as we have a "blow-up"
- Still sleeps with me; snuggles on occasion; initiates sex frequently
- will ask if I am OK or what is wrong if she thinks I look sad or angry
- Still wants to fix up the house...."nester"
- Still talks about future events together
- Several opportunities to leave; never left
- Tried "pushing" her to leave on a couple occasions; she broke down & initiated mini-T&G's to make up.
No "mean" Monster; appears to monster by seducing me & compassion through crying (me = sucker)
Waiting to "fall in love" with me again!
Most annoying & confusing MLCer type of them all, bar none!!!
OBO
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Boomerang-Male
Not clinging because he is too far away due to work. Has NEVER gone more then a few days without calling (except 1 two week stretch where I forbade it- still called at leaf I once).
Uses bills or random stupid questions as a convenient excuse. Right now is monstering over MAJOR financial loss and blames me not his behavior.
Says he cares a great deal for me, and seems nearly desperate to be my friend. When I throw truth darts he shuts down and says leave him alone. But he always initiates contact back.
He is going to drive me insane....and it is a short trip there!
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Bump.
Found this when doing a bit of forum housework and had forgotten what a good discussion it is especially when we have so many newbies.
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I think my H is a boomerang. Not sure if he is a clingy boomerang. Maybe someone can help me with that. He definitely wanted a divorce since shortly after BD I don't love you blah, blah, blah. He's having a EA which could have turned PA after almost two week being missing and came back like nothing every happen or that he was gone. After I canceled mediation because he's in replay and everything is about him it was time for him to find another place to live. He would have stayed here till the end. Up until that time we were going to dinner together, he would sit and watch tv with me for a few minutes, if I invited him somewhere he would go, etc. He does monster and is passive/aggressive but for the most part is usually chatty about nothing. NO R talk! We don't go there. He does have a new found backbone with this MLC and thinks just because he demands something I'm going to respond. It's kind of funny to watch these aggressive times because they get him no where but he thinks they do.
Today we are starting our new boundaries. We need to work together so I have set times from 10 - 2 where he can come to the apartment to work. We will do well with that. I'm thinking he might go over to the clingy side a bit. He doesn't call me names, down me in anyway unless maybe if monster comes out and he's mad about some divorce stuff. He really doesn't put me down. Maybe in his mind he does. I know he thinks I'm controlling but he also allows me to do all the work. But, he has never wavered on divorce because he wants out so he can start his new life with OW who is 20 years younger than him.
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Mines a crazy clinging boomerang.
When he first left he was a monster clinging boomerang - for about the first 4 months. Then I found out about her. Went nc (this was the second time of nc) and went to a lawyer. He turned from monster clinging boomerang to confused clinging boomerang.
I never contact him. He contacts me. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. He's also paranoid. If I don't respond he will call and text non stop, so I have to turn off my phone. He swears I'm still filing for divorce and my lawyer just can't find him to serve him. LOL There's a pretty funny story behind that one. ::)
He swears he's coming home. That's the newest thing.
He also used the kids to try and stay in the loop with me when I was nc. It doesn't work for him anymore because the kids don't talk to him.
I think it's very hard to detach from a clinging boomerang, but I also think once you do, they are really in for an eye opener because their antics have no effect, and the letting go process starts.
In Florida we have these little green frogs, and you'll find them stuck to your windows and sides of your house with their little sticky feet. They remind me of h. LOL
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Yep it sounds like a boomerang UL.
I know he thinks I'm controlling but he also allows me to do all the work.
Then don't do it! The most enabling person is unwittingly the most controlling because you create a dependency and clingers have to learn that that aspect of you is gone!
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Haha Songanddance. That's easier said than done. Now that he's out of the apartment other than working here during the day I am now just taking care of the apartment and my needs. However, I'm still the bill payer and the business runner of our company. I can't let that go if I do then there would be no money coming in. He doesn't stay focused and has never paid a bill or even knows how to run his own business. It's all he's got right now to do the 3 things I need him to do so I can bill out invoices and bring money in.
Just now he did his work for about 25 mins and then went to the kitchen to make tea. Then got side tracked into looking into a cabinet and I saw he is taking back some vitimans to his hotel room when he leave. Now about about 10 mins of being in the kitchen he's back to work but in about 10 more minutes he'll have to pee and then in about 20 minutes he'll have too OK you see where this is going.
I'm staying in my room because what he really would like is for me to talk to him and start a conversation about something not important. And, I'm trying to detach from all that but stay friendly.
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mine definitely is a clinger. so very much so. i have not had one day go by since he left where i have not heard from him and the longest period of time that has gone by where he hasn't seen me is 5 days.
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I've decided my H is a Boomerang. He uses the excuse of sorting finances, every 2-3 weeks although lately it's been more like 1-2 weeks. I told him this week once we sell the rental (which he agreed to) he would NEVER have to contact me again....he's now going to think about selling it.
I honestly wish he would stop contacting me....it's more healthy for me to have NC.
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Well I guess I have a boomerang - tells me hie is "gone and doesn't think he's coming back" yet wants to stay every weekend (Friday to Sunday) and once in the week as well. When he is here he cooks, does some chores and even has long baths :). Twice now he has also invited friends (mine) over for dinner !!!! To me it's like he is verbalising running away but his actions betray him. SC
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Well I guess I have a boomerang - tells me hie is "gone and doesn't think he's coming back" yet wants to stay every weekend (Friday to Sunday) and once in the week as well. When he is here he cooks, does some chores and even has long baths :). Twice now he has also invited friends (mine) over for dinner !!!! To me it's like he is verbalising running away but his actions betray him. SC
That's definitely clinging boomerang.
Be wary of thinking that running away is just physical - it is always emotional in MLC depression. It also sounds like rapid cycling which is a clear indication of a CB.
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I believe my H is a boomerang with the occasional hint of clinging. We have two sons (21 & 17), so we don't have to deal with arranging pick-ups and drop-offs as S21 is independent living on his own and S17 lives with me full-time but has his own vehicle to get around with.
H initiates contact with me everyday M-F while at work and OW is not around. Weekends on the other hand are hit and miss with contact. His contact is usually through text and almost always something unimportant such as asking how my day was/is going. If/when he does contact me on the weekend it's usually just to ask what's going on that day, or what my plans are. Although, when I responded he usually never takes the conversation any further and doesn't make any attempt to suggest that we get together to do anything.
Occasionally I will get the "clingy" text. For example, earlier this week his first contact for the day was, "sometimes I wonder, was I really that bad I just don't know". I saw this as clingy in that he was looking for reassurance from me as to how I felt he was as a husband.
We have attended MC together once and the counselor suggested that we have "pleasurable contact" with each once/wk if not every other week. By pleasurable contact she means doing something together, without the kids, that is active and fun (i.e. a concert, bowling, fishing). The idea is to spend that time together living in the moment, not talking about us and not talking about the kids, but only talking about what we are doing at that very moment (living in the moment). This will be interesting to see how it plays out since us doing anything together would mean he will have to be away from OW with whom he is currently living with (at her place).
I guess I don't understand the boomerang behavior particularly when H is living with OW and spends all of his time with her. He has not stepped foot back in our house since he left 2/1/15, and we have only had face-to-face contact about 7 times (3x at S17's sporting events, 2x to talk at the park, 1x for family counseling after S17 ran away, and 1x for MC).
At what point does it become cake eating? I guess I don't feel like it has so far since he really doesn't benefit from anything I am doing (other than me paying the auto insurance and cell phone bill- both of which he are still on). Could it be considered cake-eating in that he wants to boomerang by making sure I am still there and responsive to his contact? Or would that be more considered him looking for his anchor/lighthouse? It's all just so confusing..
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Lifes A Dance,
From what Heart Blessings said...if there is a present ow and H is still contacting you on a regular basis that is cake eating. He thinks he can have you both in his life.
They are not making a choice.
I believe this is where you tell them...as long as you are seeing or living with ow there will be no contact from me. You take yourself out of being an option.
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Thunder,
I do understand what you're saying about OW still being in the picture and H continuing to contact me.
I also find myself questioning if that is in part because BD was so recent (2/1/15). Considering that BD was so recent is now a "safe" time to go NC or could that make things worse given that he is still so confused about things?
I have also honestly wondered if this may be a case of Walk Away Spouse as opposed to MLC. While he does show signs of MLC, I also see some similarities with WAS. How can I tell what I'm dealing with here?
H has attended MC with me, and even agreed to (and scheduled) an IC follow-up appt. Could it be that he is still trying to process everything and trying to figure out what it is that he thinks he wants (our marriage or a new life)?
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LaD,
You're right. I didn't realize you were so early into this. I apologize.
No, it is not a good thing to go nc in the beginning (so they say). They are still processing.
I guess in your case I would just go dim. I wouldn't contact him, let him do that. If he texts you or emails just have short, polite answers.
Treating him friendly and light is better than nc at this point.
The only thing is he has an ow so you do have reason to be cautious. No relationship talks with him and no mentioning the ow. don't give her any power over you. She is nothing. Treat her that way.
It will take you awhile to find the right balance. You will cycle back and forth but keep reading.
Goodness when I was where you are right now I was still such a mess. You are doing better than you think.
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H initiated contact again today. Below is the link to my thread (hopefully it works...lol). I will pull this convo back over there so as not to get too off topic in this thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6479.10
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What is my H? He says that he wants to have no contact with me, but if I go a while day without contact, he always makes contact. He has also asked others to send me texts and ask about how I am feeling. He uses his sister to find out how I am, because in the past, the kids always told me and that gave me obvious hope.
Today, he has written kossa of texts about me buying an apartment. I have told him nothing, but he has found out which apartment and is keeping up with the bidding and asking if I am the highest bidder with smileys, etc...
I answer shortly. He sends long messages when it is about business. Now, he almost never contacts his children. He even ignored their calls and texts. For some reason, he acted really stressed when I should leave my youngest daughter with him to drop her off to meet some friends. He went outside to answer the phone, and to keep me from dropping my daughter outside of the alienstors house where his car was parked, he drove to meet me hallway, calling my daughter to find out exactly where we were. He then only took his daughter half way, making her take the bus, because he was really stressed and did not have time.
He cannot stand contact when he is with the alienator and even acts scared about it, like something bad is going to happen. It almost seemed that he wasn't supposed to be gone when he dropped his daughter off. So he makes all kinds of contact via text and e-mail, and when the alienator is busy, but acts scared to contact at other times. When she is present and he talks on the phone with me, he is really mean.
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I definitely have a boomerang. I think he might even be a clinging boomerang except that he sleeps nights at his friends house. There has been exactly one day ever I didn't talk to him at all. Mostly he calls me 3-4 times a day. Typically on the pretense of the kids.
Prior to MLC, he would call 4-6 times a day. He will monster if I don't answer and again this was typical before MLC.
I can tell when he breaks up with OW (a weekly occurance) because then he will text me. Otherwise he avoids text because she looks through his phone and iPad.
He still naps at our house when I'm not there. Most of his belongings are still there. He can't bring himself to commit to an apartment for a year.
As for me, I never call unless it really is about the kids. I GAL like crazy. I no longer try to offer any advise to him. Just keep everything short and sweet. It really seems to be confusing him. He keeps saying "Not that you care, but..."