[Rollercoasterider]

Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse.

This confuses me and maybe someone can explain it better.  I say this because every man would be a boomerang (MLC or not) because in every separation/divorce when kids are involved there has to be some contact for the simple purpose of scheduling visitation times, etc.  So, since my H ONLY send me an email requesting to see the kids (whenever he feels he is going to be in town) then is he really a boomerang? Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids.

This is not true, you are confusing shoulds with actuals. Sure, an MLCer should continue to be involved with their children--especially minor children. But if that is how it works--they do as they should--why are there so many deadbeat parents? Some MLCers abandon the kids too. I know of one who was in contact for the first two years--he seemed a solid Boomerang. But he had been a recovering alcoholic--20 years sober. He turned to drugs and maybe alcohol again and he fell and is still falling years later (I think when he hit rock bottom, he started digging)--he's one of those that gets stuck in MLC. He moved away and last I talked with his LBS, she and their young children had not heard from him for a couple of years.

Shouldn't there be another name for those Hs that ONLY keep contact for the purpose of seeing the kids.

No, there is another name for more limited contact: Off-n-On and Vanisher.
These are subjective. There is a point where an MLCer may be at the border of Boomerang and Clinging Boomeran or Boomerang and Off-n-On. The clear distinction is between clear and frequent contact and almost nothing at all--and I get asked quite a bit whether a newbie's MLCer is a Clinging Boomerang or a Vanisher. That's like asking if a German Shepherd is a Chihuahua!
 

what do they call it when the MLCer is really only interested in contact with the LBS than he is with his kids?

Um...normal for a Boomerang--this is basically the situation in the excerpt JAG highlighted. That's not a controlling clinger--it's just part of the normal attributes of a Boomerang.

[JAG]

RCR you are so right and so correct....I am confusing shoulds with actuals.  I guess I am just thinking that when an H comes to see the kids and doesn't say a word to their wife, they are more like a Boomerang-Off-n-On.  For now I must remember that he is no where near able to have a relationship with me and I should count my lucky stars that he is able to have a relationship with my children!

[toughtimes]

I have a boomerang who keeps in contact to see kids once a week and every other weekend. He has moved in with ow and stays here once a week with kids and occasionally during his weekend. This is sometimes hard for me and I think it is cake eating? He is only doing what's easiest and most convenient for him, not kids, not ow and certainly not me. I feel he is trying to punish me.
I am beginning to detach and am learning from bitter experience that nc is the best way, except for contact about the children.
I cycle between loving him, hating him, missing him, wanting him and feeling like this is all for the best and I am better for not having sharing my life with me. He shares my children's lived with me but not mine. It's a very confusing time but I'm early on, 6 months since he left.
I am troubled by his R with ow, he's moved in with her and introduced her to his dad and brother (MiL doesn't want to meet her, she's not really in contact with H, this is my Hs FOO issue along with massive issues with step mother and father .... It's all about abandonment and feeling invisible in his parents eyes). But I understand I need to get to a place where I am detached enough to detach from my fear and sadness at this R.
Not sure if this is the plae to ask but has anyone ever spoken to ow about children being introduced? My Hs ow is only 25, and inu opinion and a friend who has met her, a pretty young 25. I would like to talk to her before she meetsy children, not in a m intimidating way, I feel I want to talk to her about my children and find out how she is going to be with them. I cannot risk something dysfunctional occurring because of her involvement with the kids .... Or should I say I would like to minimise it. This may appear controlling? Its probably none of my business etc. but this is the mental well being of my two very young children S7 and D2. If I thought they were at risk physically I would have to intervene, what's the difference if they are at risk emotionally or mentally? If I was the ow or my H wanted to meet with a partner of mine I would welcome it as a sensible and healthy thing to do. Just wondered what people think of this?
My h hasnt even told kids yet, I nearly talked to S this morning because he asked me why daddy wasn't here. Felt like a natural opening to talk, but I got scared H would go crazy because I had said something before he had the chance??
Poor children, I'm doing my utmost to limit damage, absolute priority.

[CrazyStupidLove]

I've just joined the boomerang group. Wondering if some point it will change to off and on or even vanisher at some point once my kids are off in college which one is already leaving this summer to start in the fall and the other will be leaving in a year and a half.

The last post in this thread talked about the MLCer staying in contact because of the kids. I have often wondered that in my sitch. He seems to make contact with only the kids and the house as his reason for coming around. That doesn't mean he ignores me when he is in the house...but he doesn't go out of his way to make contact with me for any personal reasons anymore. But as JAG says "he is nowhere near ready to fix or have a relationship with me anyway, so why would he try?"

My MLCer shows up at the house, everyday. Usually it's mid afternoon that he shows up though and never on my days off. He stays pretty clear of me when he knows I am home alone. Teens are out of school at different times. One is a senior and is out of school by 12:30 and MLCer usually does NOT come by that early unless there is another reason to see that daughter before she leaves for work.

The other daughter gets out at 3:00 and he picks her up from school every single day.
When he picks her up, he doesn't just drop her off at the house. Usually they will go have an afterschool lunch or he takes her to the mall to buy her whatever. Then they come back to the house and he hangs out inside for a bit...even if I am at home. He will do odd little jobs around the house..clean the pool, take out the trash, pick up dog poo (which cracks me up), and fixes things as if he has a "honey-do" list.  I think he likes to be needed here at the house.

Back during Christmas time, he was the one who decorated our house with lights like crazy and spent a good amount buying new lights..For someone who was never really into Christmas he sure went out of his way to make our house look festive.

It just makes me wonder, that once the girls are not home anymore and it's just me...if he will continue to come by or if he will vanish. I struggle with trying to figure out why he does all this stuff to the house and then figured that he is doing it out of guilt since he is living with OW and her house is beautiful compared to our crackerjack box. I feel like he is trying to at least make our house nice for the girls and feels like he still has a role in making sure his kids live decent.
I feel like it has nothing to do with me....and when he is out of town with my daughters...he has zero contact with me. They went out of town last summer for a month...and he did not contact me at all.

There is one thing he has said to me throughout this MLC and that is "You and the girls are my family...you will always be my family" and "I will always be there for my family"...weird.

It's almost like he wants to still take care of the "family" without actually living here. He wants to do what he wants to do and no one is allowed to say anything about it...including OW. He has made it clear to her, that WE are his family and that he will be here for anything that we need. Why she holds onto him, I have no idea. Any other woman would be like..."yeah we aren't doing this",,,but she still hangs onto him. I think that she must feel like once his kids are out of the picture and away in college that she will have him all to herself... that is to be determined.

 

[OldPilot]

Wondering if some point it will change to off and on or even vanisher at some point once my kids are off in college which one is already leaving this summer to start in the fall and the other will be leaving in a year and a half..

Well with MLC anything is possible.
And I dare say almost to be EXPECTED.

TIME will tell.

[Trustandlove]

CSL, from what you write it sounds to me like you have a clinging boomerang -- all that doing jobs, considering you all his family and so on seem to me to be the mark of a clinger....   

[toughtimes]

CSL, from what you write it sounds to me like you have a clinging boomerang -- all that doing jobs, considering you all his family and so on seem to me to be the mark of a clinger....   

This struck me aswell. My H stays at our house to see the kids and makes a point of doing absolutely nothing to help. I'm on my own as far as he's concerned. Bit of a contrast to your H CSL!

[theheartknows]

I am not sure what mine is. He does not call or text but responds immediately to mine and usually accepts any invitation to do tings. Came to neighbors funeral, my staff Christmas party, etc.

He comes here to stay in my son's room when he is in the area on business and does works around the house, yard, and brings the dog treats. Talks about "our peach tree," and "our taxes." Always welcomes house-sitting when I go out of the area.

He is a champion gift-giver and usually brings something when he comes.

Has not mentioned divorce but when I asked him after BD if this was his intention he said, "not now...but if I meet someone in the future."

Never calls just to chat, but always likes to talk when I see him.

Whadda ya think?

[stayed]

It's pretty obvious what he has become "theheartknows".... he is now you new, very bestest friend on the planet.  He gets to remain the "great guy", you never will want for anything, because he LOOKS after his family, so well, even though he is BAT$HIT CRAZY! 

Quite frankly, if you want a good buddy... you got it made.  Not sure I would rock that boat.  Interesting situation, you got here.

hugs Stayed

[calamity]

I think you have a 'platonic' husband.  Who is 'away' much of the time.  I don't even know what platonic means.