Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Jackolar12 on October 15, 2014, 05:43:10 PM
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Hi everyone,
Has anyone experience of the long term effects of divorce, where the Mlcer is a total vanisher?.
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Hi everyone,
Has anyone experience of the long term effects of divorce, where the Mlcer is a total vanisher?.
The long term effects of divorce for me have been independence.
I have had zero contact in four years.
It took a while to get back on my feet. The first two years were the worst.
I found the MLC theory to be of help to me for the first two years; it helped cushion the blow. Some traumas are too much to face head on. To be free of the pain I had to truly let go. You may have to lift some stones and see what is lurking there. Examine your life and marriage in light of what you now know.
If your question is referring to the long term effects on the vanisher then my answer is, I don't know. I don't know what my exwife's life or state of mind is like. The children don't know either as they don't have contact with their mother.
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Hi Honour, thank you for the reply. I have had no contact for almost three years, my son and eldest daughter have moved out and I see them perhaps half a dozen times a year( mostly my son ). My youngest daughter I haven't seen in two years and when I did she used to carry painfully messages from her mother. she lives with her mum but in separate rooms from her mum and boyfriend of two years ( alienator 2).
Financially this has been devastating for me , we were on track for life and now it's start over again time.
I would like to hear from others on the forum who survived their spouses tornado of devastation and emotional abuse. Particularly those Mlcers who are cowardly and use their children to cover their affairs like she did with my daughters and how they reconnected and got their children to see the truth.
Kind regards
Jackolar
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Financially this has been devastating for me , we were on track for life and now it's start over again time.
I know that feeling, Jackolar. I am slowly recovering financially. The economic recession didn't help. But if you can survive a divorce and a recession and stay in business I'm not sure life can throw anything much worse at you. You can do it Jackolar, if you built financial security once, you can do it again.
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Financially this has been devastating for me , we were on track for life and now it's start over again time.
I know that feeling, Jackolar. I am slowly recovering financially. The economic recession didn't help. But if you can survive a divorce and a recession and stay in business I'm not sure life can throw anything much worse at you. You can do it Jackolar, if you built financial security once, you can do it again.
Here is the funny thing, my ex divorced me over money.
Kind of a self fulfilling prophesy because spending lots of money on divorce didnt help anything.
However, just like honour I am slowly climbing out of the pit as far as my finances go.
I know that I will be fine.
You can be too!
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Thank you Old Pilot, my ex had money on the brain but wasn't reasonable in the divorce at all. We both burned over £70,000 in divorce costs alone. Now apart from the marital home everything is split, she's burning money on replay holidays, designer clothes etc and I wonder when she runs short will I start to hear from her again. Like you I'm still crawling out of the pit financially and hope given time I will make it again.
Kind regards
Jackolar
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Jackolar,
My mortgage advisor told me one of the main reasons for going into poverty is divorce. He said you just cant take 2 incomes and split them in half and both come out good.
We were very comfortable, financially, until we divorced. We both struggled, our credit score was ruined and he almost lost the house.
Credit score is getting up there again and I'm finally seeing improvements in my situation but it took a few years.
Lawyers are expensive!! But once their paid off you can rebuild.
I have a feeling your sitch will get better, hers will go under. But that's a consequence she will have to live with.
Not your problem. Just take care of YOU.
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You guys are scaring the CRAP out of me. I recently filed, and looks like we are headed for a NASTY custody battle/divorce. How much does it cost??? This is my first marriage, so I have NOT a clue.
Its so sad, me and my wife both have over 800 credit scores...To think they are about to be tanked, ruining years of hard work is so depressing.
On the good side of things, the only debts I have is my mortgage, and car payment on the car that SHE is driving. She is racking up the credit card balance like a drunken sailor. Her credit card, not mine. And in the divorce paperwork it states I payed off all her revolving debts prior to her departure. What a nice guy I am...NOT...I am an idiot.
-Terrified
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Hi TN,
If you use a lawyer and it goes to court, it could get quite expensive.
In my case, I represented myself as I couldn't afford one. Didn't cost me hardly anything.
M W wasn't really after money. I let her lawyer draft up the decree and I voiced what changes I wanted until I could live with it. I read as much as I could online or asked people I knew for advice.
W tried to take me to court again later regarding custody and I represented myself again. After a few appearances, on the actual day, W and her lawyer didn't even show up.
If you can get a fair deal and get it in writing between you without going to court, it would save you money.
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terrified,
As long as you don't have a lot of debt, you should be ok. Most of us weren't that lucky.
Talk to a lawyer and ask them questions. Most want a retainer down up front. Mine was $2,000, but I ended up paying a lot more in the end. Maybe $6,000+. But my lawyer was great and I ended up with a good settlement. So it was worth the money...even though I had to beg, borrow and steal money to pay her.
Also remember ever contact you have with your lawyer costs you, even phone calls. Mine charged me for stamps!!
So get together any questions you have and try to make a visit that is as short as possible but productive.
I went to the library and found books on divorce. There is a lot of information out there for free.
Just make sure you know what your rights are. What you are fairly entitled to. Don't give in because you feel bad, these MLCers could care less how you will survive. Sorry, you just need to fight for yourself.
I wish you luck.
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MeNow-
Too late; I hired a lawyer to file and also petition the court to have my W return my 5 yo. Its a long story (aren't they all), but my wife REFUSES to let me have my 5 yo. The rest of the stuff is negotiable. In my wife's current state of mind I do not believe she should be raising a small child. Most of her siblings that are watching my W's antics agree with me.
Also, at this stage in my wife's life, the irony is I know her better than her own self. My wife will do ANYTHING to "win". No matter how dirty and low down. Already has accusations of her being concerned I might smoke pot in the house (split a joint once with a brother in law YEARS ago...the only time I have smoked in 25 years...now its an issue?). Also, had implications of inappropriate conduct with my OWN 16 year old daughter since we slept in the same bed several nights shortly after my W left because she didn't want to be alone. Nevermind the fact during this time I also has a housefull....My oldest stepson, his wife, and their newborn in one room, my visiting youngest stepson and his wife in my 16 year old's room, my wifes FIRST HUSBAND (step sons real dad-yes I let him stay the night...we are on good terms) and his daughter on air mattresses in the living room, and my 16 you slept with me in my room during the duration of their visit.
As a "nice guy", and total conflict avoider, I NEED a lawyer. My wife is very low down.
-EDIT- I guess this is what they mean when "too much damage has been done" when and if they ever wake up. The implication of me and my own daughter is in my mind a line you don't dare cross unless you have some evidence to back up the accusation.
-Terrified
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MeNow-
Too late; I hired a lawyer to file and also petition the court to have my W return my 5 yo. Its a long story (aren't they all), but my wife REFUSES to let me have my 5 yo. The rest of the stuff is negotiable. In my wife's current state of mind I do not believe she should be raising a small child. Most of her siblings that are watching my W's antics agree with me.
Also, at this stage in my wife's life, the irony is I know her better than her own self. My wife will do ANYTHING to "win". No matter how dirty and low down. Already has accusations of her being concerned I might smoke pot in the house (split a joint once with a brother in law YEARS ago...the only time I have smoked in 25 years...now its an issue?). Also, had implications of inappropriate conduct with my OWN 16 year old daughter since we slept in the same bed several nights shortly after my W left because she didn't want to be alone. Nevermind the fact during this time I also has a housefull....My oldest stepson, his wife, and their newborn in one room, my visiting youngest stepson and his wife in my 16 year old's room, my wifes FIRST HUSBAND (step sons real dad-yes I let him stay the night...we are on good terms) and his daughter on air mattresses in the living room, and my 16 you slept with me in my room during the duration of their visit.
As a "nice guy", and total conflict avoider, I NEED a lawyer. My wife is very low down.
-EDIT- I guess this is what they mean when "too much damage has been done" when and if they ever wake up. The implication of me and my own daughter is in my mind a line you don't dare cross unless you have some evidence to back up the accusation.
-Terrified
In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.
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In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.
She has already done it. There is a temp custody hearing on the 27th at 9:00AM. Again long story, but my wife was going to file no matter what when her six months was up (she moved out of state to be with alienator in her home town). She also made it very clear that if I made her wait the entire six months she was going to go after me for "everything she can get".
It was low down, but knowing my wife I led her to believe we were negotiating a nice easy uncontested divorce (the only way she could get her divorce she wants quickly), and at the same time I hired the lawyer and filed up here. Now she has to drive 14+ hours for every court appearance. I need all the advantage I can get...she is NASTY when she is mad (oddly enough she was also the most caring, giving, wonderful W anyone could ever have asked for...wow, what a change.)
Anyway, I am scared to DEATH of the hearing. Not that I have anything to fear, but I am an "analytical thinker". If asked questions, I am not quick to respond-I have to analyze. That is not good as it makes it seem as if I am searching. Also, I have never used the services of an attorney in my entire adult life.
OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.
-Terrified
-Terrified
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In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.
She has already done it. There is a temp custody hearing on the 27th at 9:00AM. Again long story, but my wife was going to file no matter what when her six months was up (she moved out of state to be with alienator in her home town). She also made it very clear that if I made her wait the entire six months she was going to go after me for "everything she can get".
It was low down, but knowing my wife I led her to believe we were negotiating a nice easy uncontested divorce (the only way she could get her divorce she wants quickly), and at the same time I hired the lawyer and filed up here. Now she has to drive 14+ hours for every court appearance. I need all the advantage I can get...she is NASTY when she is mad (oddly enough she was also the most caring, giving, wonderful W anyone could ever have asked for...wow, what a change.)
Anyway, I am scared to DEATH of the hearing. Not that I have anything to fear, but I am an "analytical thinker". If asked questions, I am not quick to respond-I have to analyze. That is not good as it makes it seem as if I am searching. Also, I have never used the services of an attorney in my entire adult life.
OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.
-Terrified
-Terrified
Yep. I was scared as well. Anticipate what questions will be asked, prepare notes and go over it many times. Prepare your offensive. I would think abandoning the marriage and taking daughter would not play well in her favor.
I do think the sooner this gets to court the better as her having daughter for an extended period of time works in her favor.
Don't worry, accusations need some evidence to back them up. The judge has most likely seen this kind of stuff many times.
Strength & honor my friend.
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OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.
No worries
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I was lucky in the sense that my husband is so messed up and feels so guilty that he paid for both lawyers. Yep, he paid for both lawyers to sit outside a room while the two of us talked for about 3-4 hours. What a dope.
As for the long term cost of divorce- this is about a very good friend of mine.
About 10 years ago my friend "C" had two kids, gorgeous house, nice cars etc., her husband "D" ran a successful business. He started working later and later and finally just did not come home. He was late 30's his girlfriend 19.
"C" was a stay-at-home mom and had no way to pay the bills. She did not even know how to contact "D". She was crushed, I remember she wouldn't even get out of bed for about six months. They lost everything. She said she left the house with only what she could fit into her car and went to her parents with her kids.
Today they are divorced. "C" now lives with her kids and her boyfriend in their new house. It is so obvious that she is happier than she has ever been. She went back to school, got a great job. Every time I see her, she is smiling ear to ear.
"D" was just diagnosed with cancer. He also lost his job, has no money, no health insurance and no retirement. His girlfriend (yep, the same one) just joined the military so guess who is taking care of "D" while he goes through his treatments. Yes, "C"
Their son just had his 21st birthday. "C" invited "D" along to the celebration b/c she feels bad for him. He is broke, sick and alone.
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I think this is all dependent on the individual, how bad their crisis is, the damage done, and how the LBS reacts / treats them!
If you can get a fair deal and get it in writing between you without going to court, it would save you money.
I was lucky in the sense that my husband is so messed up and feels so guilty that he paid for both lawyers.
These are the two things that worked in my favor! The guilt was a big one, and the fact I stayed amicable with her the whole time trying to work through the issues and also how I approached her to tell her I was ready to give her the divorce. On this, I validated her feelings, told her it was ok to feel the way she did and I would rather let her go in a "friendly" manner. To this, she agreed that I had been a good provider throughout our marriage, was not abusive, and did my best to care for the family. This brought her to the conclusion I should not have to pay her forever or an extended amount of time. She just needed enough so BOTH of us could maintain our standard of living, but especially D11.
To keep me from getting completely fleeced, I offered to settle with her uncontested, share 50/50 custody (her as primary custodian) instead of fighting a battle, as long as she was reasonable with her request and only what she NEEDED!
The deal we made was she got the house, most of the furniture/home assets, and all her personal property. She also must refinance the home within 2 years to remove me from responsibility. I agree to take most of the debt except her personal credit card. When all was said and done, we did the CS calculations to determine what I had to pay, then asked her what she NEEDED! We then looked at our total costs for the month, including gas, food, utilities, etc! From there, she gave me the amount she wanted. I added that to my monthly costs, and when the calculations were done, we were both walking away with the same amount of expendable income after everything was said and done.
What did this accomplish:
- She got the house and agreed to pay the mortgage herself; she has to refinance in 2 years or it goes on the market and we split the profits!
- I didn't want the house; bad memory for me. Plus, I bought it for her and D11; I wanted the least amount of turmoil for D11 so she stays in her home, around her friends, same school, for now!
- The debt's I took are in the process of consolidation. When all is said and done, I will only be paying a fraction of what I was paying out, the interest on all these are now reduced / negated, and they will be paid off a lot quicker than I would keeping them. All said and done, I will live credit card free (cash only) for the first time in 20+ years! very liberating and I am able to put into savings every month! No more check to check while I was with X!!!
- Our lifestyles really haven't changed except for me; I live in an apartment. It's ok though, because it is temporary and I will have my own house in the future. The apartments I live in have great amenities to include pool, gym, laundry, car wash and a few others. Nicest apartments in the area and best bang for the cost; I pay about 60% in rent what she pays in mortgage! I am 15 minutes from downtown so great for things to do with D11, on my own, or with my girlfriend!
- We decided to keep our own 401(k), retirement plans to ourselves.
- All my CS & Alimony end when D11 is 18, and then I have no further obligations to her!
The best part of it all...I am free from all the stress! It was such a relief to agree on it and it was a total relief when I moved out on my own! I was finally able to relax and really let go and knew everything was going to be ok!
An interesting side note: D11 can decide who she wants to live with at age 14 per state law. Unless it can be proven detrimental to her health & welfare, the courts really have to let he have what she wants. They have nothing to prove me "unfit" so it is what it is! D11 has already told X she doesn't want to live with her, she will not accept and "boyfriend" or future husband of hers, and she can choose to live with me at age 14 which is her intention. Oddly enough, D11 is completely accepting of me having a girlfriend or future wife / stepmom! Go figure!
I don't encourage or discourage this, I told her when the time comes, whatever decision she makes I will support her! This would really tip the tables; not only would CS stop, but by law, X would have to then pay me CS which would negate her alimony!
Anyway, that was my experience. Recommend you try to settle with a mediator or do what we did; we went through LegalZoom and did it all ourselves for $300.00!!! The papers are guaranteed if not accepted by the judge / courts!
As long as you agree and it is uncontested, and no minds get changed when you stand before the judge, they pretty much just sign off on it and done deal!!
Obo
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divorce/custody battles...sometimes you have no choice..I spent 18 months in court ..we were both ruined financially...but it was a draw..she asked for sole custody until the day of the trial but failed..if she had 'won'..she would probably have moved to another state to be with her toad..and my kids with her..not happening on my watch
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Obo,
I'm liking how your D went down, mine was similar (in I did better than her and Yes it can happen for men! :)) except for the fact that Ex was Monster during mediation and wouldn't budge and even prompted the lawyer mediating us to tell me he thinks she is 'nuts'! lol
I also took on most of the debt and also consolidated it (in lu of getting the house). It took only three years to pay off the cards that otherwise would have taken a lifetime and then some! ;D. Credit score took a major hit in doing so but like you.... if I don't have the cash..I don't need it and have since started rebuilding my credit.
I don't/didn't have to pay her alimony or support in lu of paying for the kids colleges which she has since taken me back to collect child support in stead of me paying for all of college. ( Guess this was a good thing for her as she now collects CS and STILL pays ZERO for our two oldest in college.. >:( )... ( Yes, I am in the process of taken her back to court to 'fix' this).
I have my two oldest full time and two youngest half time til they are also 14 and she had herself removed from the title of the house. Split my 401k (she didn't have one) and savings..Been D for 4 years now and things (financial etc) do get better with time.
Rover...hear that! not on my watch either! I actually stopped her from moving one state away (OM#2 lived there) a couple of years back (would have only been a 20 min difference in commute) but if I gave in to that who the f*uck knows where else she would try and take my kids!
I would like to know Terrified in Tenn, is how are you going to approach the 14 hour commute in court when you get your kids 50% of the time? ( I'm pretty sure the court will grant that even if she is granted physical custody)..
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Yikes, you guys are scaring the s$%t out of me too. I can definitely see why many MLCers never get a second chance.
I hope mine will be civil also. I have a bad feeling that she's going to be nasty (or try to be at least), but we'll see. When she moved out the first time, things were pretty civil between us. She took most of the household stuff (and I'm assuming she will again), but oh well, that can be replaced. I can live off an air mattress again if need be. :) My friends called our house the "foreclosure house" because it was so empty after she left.
My friend who owns a successful business got a D a couple years ago (and makes a lot more $ than me). His W didn't even work, and he didn't get hit too badly for maintenance, and he only had to pay that for 2 years I think.
That being said, as for the future, I'm not sure how my W is going to afford to live on her own (unless I get screwed with "maintenance" or something). She got a place at one of those "low income" apartment complexes the last time, and had to get food stamps I was told. She won't get to party nearly every night because she won't be able to afford it.
I don't see a good future for her quite honestly. I think she'll always struggle financially. It will be even more difficult to search for external things to make her happy when she can't afford to do anything. It's easy for her to go party and drive all over the place when I'm paying all the bills.
Maybe the OM will decide to take care of her. None of her previous OM were even remotely interested in that though. I doubt the current OM will either. Once it is all out in the open, I wonder how long the relationship is going to last - probably not long. I heard this guy jumps from woman to woman pretty frequently.
As for me, I'm sure it won't be easy, but I have a much better chance of coming out on top than her.
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Obo,
I'm liking how your D went down, mine was similar (in I did better than her and Yes it can happen for men! :)) except for the fact that Ex was Monster during mediation and wouldn't budge and even prompted the lawyer mediating us to tell me he thinks she is 'nuts'! lol
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I don't/didn't have to pay her alimony or support in lu of paying for the kids colleges which she has since taken me back to collect child support in stead of me paying for all of college. ( Guess this was a good thing for her as she now collects CS and STILL pays ZERO for our two oldest in college.. >:( )... ( Yes, I am in the process of taken her back to court to 'fix' this).
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I actually stopped her from moving one state away (OM#2 lived there) a couple of years back (would have only been a 20 min difference in commute) but if I gave in to that who the f*uck knows where else she would try and take my kids!
I would like to know Terrified in Tenn, is how are you going to approach the 14 hour commute in court when you get your kids 50% of the time? ( I'm pretty sure the court will grant that even if she is granted physical custody)..
Rookie,
Good to see you got to negotiate some of yours and was spared a full nuke! The tow things i am worried about are the parts I left up there........Her deciding she wants more.....and her remarrying and trying to relocate!
I don't think the more money will happen....she actually knew what she could get and probably would have considering the sleaze bag lawyer she initially talked too....but she even told her she did not want to screw me over and that lawyer persisted so she dropped her!
The kids moving thing, yea, that would be an issue! I'll fight her hand and fist over that one for sure if she tries!
Yikes, you guys are scaring the s$%t out of me too. I can definitely see why many MLCers never get a second chance.
Yep.....when you pull a "Nuke/Scorched Earth" policy on the LBS in court, they have every right to be gun shy or flat out say no! They did it once; what's to stop them again!!!
Obo
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I would like to know Terrified in Tenn, is how are you going to approach the 14 hour commute in court when you get your kids 50% of the time? ( I'm pretty sure the court will grant that even if she is granted physical custody)..
I honestly do not know how that is going to work. All I know is I am fighting for primary custody of both my girls. I envision having them for school, and the w can have them during summer and holidays.
Again, I am new to this and have a serious uphill battle. I'll spare the details, but I have virtually no one in my corner that will "go to bat" for me so to speak. Ironically, I found out back in my W's home town, EVERY ONE of her siblings but ONE is actually on my side because they see first hand her behaviour.
-Terrified
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Jackolar,
My mortgage advisor told me one of the main reasons for going into poverty is divorce. He said you just cant take 2 incomes and split them in half and both come out good.
We were very comfortable, financially, until we divorced. We both struggled, our credit score was ruined and he almost lost the house.
Credit score is getting up there again and I'm finally seeing improvements in my situation but it took a few years.
Lawyers are expensive!! But once their paid off you can rebuild.
I have a feeling your sitch will get better, hers will go under. But that's a consequence she will have to live with.
Not your problem. Just take care of YOU.
Hi Thunder, I'm slowly getting there I had to buy her out of one of my rental flats, so I had to get a mortgage on it to pay her off and I live there now on my own. I've sold our farm and split it 50/50.
Transferred the business to her and kept assets to the value. She still lives in the marital home with my youngest daughter and her adulterer boyfriend(alienator 2) she took him from a 33year marriage and he's just as screwed up as she is, he's cheated on his former wife in the past and I'm wondering who will be cheating on who first in their new dysfunctional relationship.
I find this site a great help dealing with my pain and confusion.At one early stage I felt suicidal but I am past that now. When I took my vows they were supposed to be for life, I feel she has robbed me and my family of our bright future. I couldn't go to my eldest daughters graduation in August as my daughter said it would be awkward for her mum with me there.
I replied saying I understand she can't face her guilt, the last time I saw her by accident she turned and faced the wall like a naughty child. I didn't speak just drove off and two weeks later had a letter from her solicitor saying I had been harassing her, she had a trumped up injunction on me at the time, which I later appealed against and won when I had recovered enough from my nervous breakdown.
My stitch is improving slowly as I reconnect with the reality of life, and I'm juggling my credit card debts at the momment.
My heart goes out to all of my brothers and sisters on this site,you have become family to me. Your advice and support is what keeps me going in the dark times, bless you all.
Kind regards
Jackolar ( Wales United Kingdom).
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Terrified, wishing you luck with getting physical custody! One thing in your favor is Judges do not usually like seeing kids get uprooted! If you can also prove the wife abandoned the home (affair) and that you can provided stability to your kids ( get them to school, after school care program etc while you work, not sure how old your kids are..) you may have a better than decent shot as being the primary parent.
Sorry I haven't read your whole sitch yet, but I am guessing she told you she wants the kids living with her and she will fight you in court for them. Also read up in your state about the laws for moving kids out of state as 14 hrs away would seem to me like she is in a different state at this time and no pun intended! :)
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Terrified, wishing you luck with getting physical custody! One thing in your favor is Judges do not usually like seeing kids get uprooted! If you can also prove the wife abandoned the home (affair) and that you can provided stability to your kids ( get them to school, after school care program etc while you work, not sure how old your kids are..) you may have a better than decent shot as being the primary parent.
Agree with Rookie on this! Not sure your state, but if it isn't a no-fault, look at all the options for filing and see if any type of abandonment cause is possible! In my state, there are 13 reasons to divorce with no-fault being one, and then 12 more including adultery, abandonment, emotional abandonment, mental cruelty and a few others!
Obo
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Terrified, wishing you luck with getting physical custody! One thing in your favor is Judges do not usually like seeing kids get uprooted! If you can also prove the wife abandoned the home (affair) and that you can provided stability to your kids ( get them to school, after school care program etc while you work, not sure how old your kids are..) you may have a better than decent shot as being the primary parent.
Sorry I haven't read your whole sitch yet, but I am guessing she told you she wants the kids living with her and she will fight you in court for them. Also read up in your state about the laws for moving kids out of state as 14 hrs away would seem to me like she is in a different state at this time and no pun intended! :)
Actually prior to her departure, we discussed what we both thought was best for our children-my 5 you went with mom, my 15 yo stayed with me. I have had a dramatic change of heart since learning of OM's background (not good at all).
To spite me, I'm sure my wife will now seek custody of both as well, even though it would ruin my now 16 yo's future plans.
As far as winning custody-I have NO idea. My state tends to favor mothers over fathers, and I can't really prove she is a neglectful parent, so I have a serious up hill battle. What I can prove is she up and quit her job, eliminating the family medical insurance, and moved out of state to pursue a relationship with no job lined up, no plan, and no future. Although she is working "part-time" right now, there is no way she could prove financial responsibility. My lawyer asked for me to have custody of both girls and child support, and the income earning potential is so great between me and my w, she would owe me $1 month in child support; and that is taking into account the job she QUIT. Also, D16 has stated a preference to grow up in the same household as her sister, and also has a preference of living with me. So I have some things in my favor, and others against. I have NO IDEA how its all going to turn out in the end though.
-Terrified
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Terrified, wishing you luck with getting physical custody! One thing in your favor is Judges do not usually like seeing kids get uprooted! If you can also prove the wife abandoned the home (affair) and that you can provided stability to your kids ( get them to school, after school care program etc while you work, not sure how old your kids are..) you may have a better than decent shot as being the primary parent.
Sorry I haven't read your whole sitch yet, but I am guessing she told you she wants the kids living with her and she will fight you in court for them. Also read up in your state about the laws for moving kids out of state as 14 hrs away would seem to me like she is in a different state at this time and no pun intended! :)
Actually prior to her departure, we discussed what we both thought was best for our children-my 5 you went with mom, my 15 yo stayed with me. I have had a dramatic change of heart since learning of OM's background (not good at all).
To spite me, I'm sure my wife will now seek custody of both as well, even though it would ruin my now 16 yo's future plans.
As far as winning custody-I have NO idea. My state tends to favor mothers over fathers, and I can't really prove she is a neglectful parent, so I have a serious up hill battle. What I can prove is she up and quit her job, eliminating the family medical insurance, and moved out of state to pursue a relationship with no job lined up, no plan, and no future. Although she is working "part-time" right now, there is no way she could prove financial responsibility. My lawyer asked for me to have custody of both girls and child support, and the income earning potential is so great between me and my w, she would owe me $1 month in child support; and that is taking into account the job she QUIT. Also, D16 has stated a preference to grow up in the same household as her sister, and also has a preference of living with me. So I have some things in my favor, and others against. I have NO IDEA how its all going to turn out in the end though.
-Terrified
OM background is a important issue here as a safety concern for your kids. Use that. Also her taking them is a huge issue. Your oldest should be able to choose for herself which parent she wants to live with.
I know you're fearful about court. Take strength in knowing you are fighting for the well being of your kids. That's what matters.
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OM background is a important issue here as a safety concern for your kids. Use that. Also her taking them is a huge issue. Your oldest should be able to choose for herself which parent she wants to live with.
Two very valid points I will echo! Get the down & dirty on this guy; most lawyers have a PI at their disposal and assets to get this data!
MeNow is correct about the oldest making her choice; most states are like this and the age is usually around 14! Courts do not like to split the kids up so this is very much in your favor if your oldest is choosing you!
Stay strong!
Obo
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Divorce cost me to be in debt first time in my life. :-( I am also just as terrified as you, TN. Hearing from what Thundarr and OP said about recovering financially, I hope to dig myself out in the next 3 years. Lawyers are expensive. In SC, adultery is a fault and my ex knew I was dependent on him financially to survive. What did he do? Cut me off, and I have to look for a job this late in life. I was a stay at home mum and helped in his business. So, by cutting me off financially, I have no means to keep paying the lawyer. So, I had to give in. He smirks like the cat sho swollowed a canary. I put everything on my credit card :-(
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Hey Eloise,
I'm so sorry.
My prayers and best wishes to you.
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Mine monstered during mediation as well. The most respected mediator who mediated Bill Murray's divorce here called my MLCer "squirly". My attorney said he is very immature. His own lawyers almost walked out on him. He yelled and screamed at his attorneys. Initially he did not want custody of the minor child, but towards the end he wanted joint custody. The guardian ad litem granted me full custody. My ex still fought and in the end, it was written in as primary custody for me......I get to make all the decisions. Luckily, he lives in MI and I in SC. That makes it a bit easier.?? maybe. All that you mentioned here, I experienced it. Unreal!!!!!!
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I would like to mention that during my fight (don't like using that term :-( ) for custody, the best thing that happened was the guardian ad litem. He interviewed us and made a recommendation. The guardian will stay on the case until he feels my minor child is ok with everything. The guardian will talk to my child again in 3 weeks. I agree with Rookie13, the court does not like to see the minor child be uprooted from what they are familiar and comfortable with.
It will be ok. [funny coming from me].
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OM background is a important issue here as a safety concern for your kids. Use that. Also her taking them is a huge issue. Your oldest should be able to choose for herself which parent she wants to live with.
I know you're fearful about court. Take strength in knowing you are fighting for the well being of your kids. That's what matters.
Problem is, she isn't living with OM. She is living with her brother (who is a nice guy, but heavy drinker, and come to find out casual nose candy user, but I can't prove that).
Her brother and OM used to be best friends. This situation has destroyed their friendship. Anyway, OM is a small time drug dealer and frequent pot smoker.
Its a huge mess for sure. Never in a million years did I expect to be going through this.
-Terrified
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OM background is a important issue here as a safety concern for your kids. Use that. Also her taking them is a huge issue. Your oldest should be able to choose for herself which parent she wants to live with.
I know you're fearful about court. Take strength in knowing you are fighting for the well being of your kids. That's what matters.
Problem is, she isn't living with OM. She is living with her brother (who is a nice guy, but heavy drinker, and come to find out casual nose candy user, but I can't prove that).
Her brother and OM used to be best friends. This situation has destroyed their friendship. Anyway, OM is a small time drug dealer and frequent pot smoker.
Its a huge mess for sure. Never in a million years did I expect to be going through this.
-Terrified
Your D will still be exposed to him. Still a valid concern.
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Your D will still be exposed to him. Still a valid concern.
I agree. Since my W and OM are heavily involved, there are only two possibilities regarding my 5 yo, and i have heard BOTH:
1) She is neglecting my 5 yo, dumping her off on whoever will watch her so she can spend time with OM.
2) She is exposing my 5 yo to OM.
Those are the ONLY two possibilities...and both are bad.
-Terrified
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Hi Terrified, do you think social services need to get involved to ensure child safety issues.
Regards
Jackolar
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Hey Terrified....Ugh! that is awful. Sooooo sorry. I cannot remember if you have already started your divorce procedure. If yes, ask your lawyer for a guardian ad litem for your child. Jackolar has a good point as well, but not sure if you want to get social service involved.
I dislike it when people kept telling me that children are resilient. They are not. Kids need to be in a stable loving environment, not bouncing them off from one caregiver to the next to go partying. if not, they will be messed up when they are grown up :-(
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Hey Terrified....Ugh! that is awful. Sooooo sorry. I cannot remember if you have already started your divorce procedure. If yes, ask your lawyer for a guardian ad litem for your child. Jackolar has a good point as well, but not sure if you want to get social service involved.
I dislike it when people kept telling me that children are resilient. They are not. Kids need to be in a stable loving environment, not bouncing them off from one caregiver to the next to go partying. if not, they will be messed up when they are grown up :-(
Yes, I have started divorce. We have a temp custody hearing on the 27th. TN doesn't take adultery into account when dividing property or considering child custody, so I have that working against me. But I have other things in my favor. I have no idea what to expect, but we will soon see.
I also believe children are not as resilient as many make them out to be. My 5yo called me when she received a gift that I mailed, and she made me a card; W read it to me and it said "mom loves daddy", to which my W said "I will have to have a talk with her about that". Yes, poor girl is going to be so confused.
Also found out this morning that w and bro had a falling out (she lives with bro in family home), so she ended up over OM's house WITH MY 5 YO!!! Am pissed off.
-EDIT- By the way, there is no law against being poor, but a girl at work actually had this thought and did the leg work for me:
Although my wife is staying with her bro in the "family home", it sounds better than it really is. Total appraisal value of the family home: $4,500. I live in a decent middle class neighbourhood. Got to get my girl out of there, and all of my w's siblings but ONE agrees!
-Terrified