Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: in it on October 19, 2014, 05:03:09 AM

Title: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 19, 2014, 05:03:09 AM: I thought this was already started but I couldn't find it. This was found on the internet. Again although you may not be dealing with this type of personality in regards to someone being a narrssist? The MLcer acts and says things at this phase that is pretty close to this- love and protect yourself first.

If you want to free yourself from the toxicity and irreparable damage (if you don’t leave on time or know how to heal) that has been to be in a relationship with one of these toxic evil entities, this will be my absolute advice for you.

#1 and most important, NO CONTACT! Nada, zero!! No matter how difficult it feels or how much you would like to say. DO NOT answer any form of contact!

Understand one thing, these toxic energy vampires don't care about you or anything you may have to say. All they want is attention, and the feeling that they still can control you and negatively affect you with their actions or words. They will do or say anything to keep you in "the loop" Think of them as real life vampires, evil toxic and very malicious entities that all they want is to feed off of your emotions, because they have none!

They are attention ows because they are empty inside! Once you understand who they truly are, you will ABSOLUTELY want nothing to do with them. At first, you will feel initial loneliness or even boredom after removing them from your life. Embrace your new feelings because it is that blissful and peaceful state of being you forgot even existed! If you are experiencing that once again, WELCOME BACK TO LIFE! Congratulations for you are a survivor! I prefer to say that I’m not a survivor but a VICTORIOUS woman!

#2- Educate yourself.Read everything you can about psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Better yet, read every single article and everything on the websites I include here below. Once you start to understand whom you are really dealing with, you are in the first step of healing, and recovering will be a possibility.

#3- Yes, it's going to hurt…a lot, so you must grieve for as long as you have too.Think of this as not grieving for that person or those wonderful moments you had together. You are grieving the dead and loss of the person you thought he/she was and what you thought you had that never really existed. You were a supply for that person and were played with for as long as they could get what they wanted from you. They are incapable of feeling love; they are only capable of using/abusing others for their own very selfish reasons.

So grieve, cry, and let all those emotions come out for as long as it takes, and you will create an empty space inside you, ready to be filled with new good emotions and feelings. Once again, this is not a normal relationship or break up and it is going to be devastating to realize that everything was just a lie. As painful as it may be, it is really healthy to let things out, making room for peace, tranquility, anxiety-less, and little by little get your sanity back!

#4- Be Strong, Know what you are dealing with, and know that this too shall pass.One of the most devastating side effects of breaking away from a psychopath narcissist is their "Devaluation & Discard” strategy. When you meet, they will put you on a pedestal and make you feel the most incredible person on earth by telling you how "crazy and psycho" his ex's are. You felt compassion and sympathy for them and for all the things they had to deal with. Oh yes, do we know how good they play the victim role, don't we? Well, now you are on that list too! One of the most devastating things survivors experience is the frustrating feeling of knowing this person is so freaking credible and good at what he does, that the world out there believes them to be such a good amazing person, while you know it is nothing but an act. They are masters at "projection"; they tell others all those awful things about YOU, when in reality it is who they truly are.

They are the crazy, the insecure, the psycho, the bi polar, the stalkers, evil, selfish, uncaring, heartless, and the list can go on and on, but they project that on you and make others believe so. It gives them a sick perverse pleasure and satisfaction to know that they can have such influence and control over others.

This is exactly the reason why I mention the importance of no contact WHATSOEVER. You remember that saying, "eyes that doesn't see, heart that doesn't feel"? Well, apply this to yourself in this situation. The less you know, or care, the better for you and your own sanity… trust me.

#5- Make yourself busy!! No matter how hard it may seem when you feeling down and devastated, keeping yourself and your mind busy is without a doubt the BEST thing you can do for yourself.

Do you remember the things you used to be passionate about before all this happened? Maybe a hobby? Something you always wanted to study or learn? Work, that you neglected when you were "lost"? Get back to it! This is definitely the best moment to do so. Not only will keep your mind busy, but being productive and focusing on YOU will make you feel better. As time passes, you will realize and notice, every day you expend less time thinking about that person and what happened to you. If you suffered from nightmares, like I did; they will diminish or at least won’t bother you that much. All signs that you are healing! Other aids to help bring on sleep and calm the mind are: melatonin supplements and journaling. Doing these three things together nightly will certainly help you drift into a healthy sleep. Try it!

#6- Don't be hard on yourself, be gentle. Understand that yes, you were fooled, used, lied to, betrayed.There is nothing wrong with you, it can happen to anyone and I mean anyone! Psychopaths and narcissists don't go for weak unappealing people lacking values or virtues. That's not fun or challenging for them. To the contrary, they feel attracted to strong, confident, most often than not, successful, loving, compassionate people because the perverse pleasure they feel, with little by little breaking them down! Don’t be hard in yourself. See the glass half full no matter what and think of it this way.

You were honest, truthful, loyal, loving, caring, generous and good intentioned. Still, you got a broken heart. One time, maybe many times in your life, but that only shows you the tremendous and wonderful capacity you have to love! That is what the psychopath narcissist will never have. One of the latest books/biographies I read was by a psychologist that was in a relationship with a psychopath narcissist and he fooled her too, so remember this; it can happen to anyone!

#7- Be open to live and love again.Don't build walls to "protect" yourself in the future. Don't become bitter or resentful. Continue being the loving caring person you are, just be more cautious and aware, learn how to recognize red flags early on, and always remember this; trust people by their actions more than their words. If their words don't match their actions, cut them loose ASAP! One thing I can tell you for sure, once you have survived a toxic relationship with a psychopath narcissist, you bet it won't happen to you ever again! Think of it as you just got vaccinated, and you are certainly immune to further predators, for the awareness you will get from this experience I can tell you, it's priceless!

#8- Find your own allies. Be open to getting help in various forms. That could be getting professional help from a psychologist or counselor, specifically one that specializes in working primarily and has studied in-depth psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists.

Life is too short to live it with regrets and carrying pain and hurt within us. Most painful experiences, more often than not, bring with them lessons and blessings in disguise. Growth isn't easy. Believe that, for it is a universal truth.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 20, 2014, 05:56:09 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8CHBP4hD7k

This is the reason why you do not have sex while these messed up Mlcer's are leaving their trail of devastation.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 22, 2014, 07:33:08 AM: Some of us have this problem. NC protects you from anymore emotional mental and or physical damage Found online:

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser If you’re a “people pleaser,” you may be someone who feels they are often taken advantage of. You’re also probably not getting what you want out of life. It’s time to shift the focus from others to yourself more often, and stop being a martyr to niceness. Here’s how to make the transition and stop being a people pleaser.

Examine your fears. What would happen if you didn’t do what you think others want you to do? Is it realistic? Are it truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don’t say the right thing or do what someone else wants you to do. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it’s time to unlock the doors and walk out!

The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they’re not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
Evaluate your boundaries. Compare those to the limits you set on others. To what extent are you willing to restrict your openness to being used by others?

What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Being able to analyze this factor allows you to measure what can be done for others and what shouldn’t be done for others in a much more objective manner.
Is that the same for you and for others?
Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect?
Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.
Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside, not considered, or even belittled. Being able to identify and understand the source allows us to better understand ourselves, and to better eliminate our being a “people pleaser.”

Were you always expected to anticipate and mold yourself to everyone else’s needs? Were you expected to shoulder the family’s need at a young age?
Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? That if you did not do what they want, they would disapprove of you and berate you?
If so, here’s a newsflash — not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you are constantly imprisoned by others’ expectations. Eventually, when people have had enough of your services, they will not recognize you for your true worth: but for the number of errands you can do for them.
Learn how to say “no.” Don’t make up excuses — give your reasons for not wanting something.

Your best friend wants you to go with him to a party that will be full of people that you can’t stand? Say, “No thanks, Bob. It’s just not my scene.” You don’t have to say “Seriously, Bob? Your friends are all jerks and I gag a little when I see them.” A simple “no, thanks” will generally suffice.
Start small by finding something small to say “no” to, and say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You’ll be surprised — the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren’t worth pleasing.
Ask for what you want. If everybody’s going to the movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular movie, but you’d rather watch something else, speak up! It doesn’t mean you get to watch the movie you want, necessarily, but who knows — maybe there are others in that group that would prefer to see your choice, and were people-pleasing too!

There’s nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn’t have to mean you’re making a demand. Simply reminding people that you’re an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward.
Even asking someone to help you do something will help. Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don’t do much for you, maybe it’s because you don’t express your needs or desires. It’s not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there’s a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.
Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but feel afraid someone else will not like. Heck on ‘em. Do it anyway!

Dye your hair, get that new look, have a treat that you enjoy, go on vacation, or go see that movie you like but nobody else wants to see!
Whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks. Don’t get caught up in doing things “their way” just because no one else wants you to do them “your way.”
Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people’s opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.
Compromise. While it’s not good to be a pushover, it’s no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don’t become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills which include healthy assertiveness skills.

You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance!
Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there’s a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a “win-win” situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.
Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It’s noble that you want to help others, but it’s something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The willingness to help others should come after you know how to help yourself.

The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you’re doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn’t, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you’re helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 27, 2014, 06:12:22 PM: Signs that you are not living an authentic life:

Harboring feelings that you aren’t good enough.

Believing that you don’t deserve good treatment, love, happiness or abundance.

Not listening to your own voice.

Making yourself feel small, so that others can feel big.

Pretending to be someone you are not.

Trying to please others all or most of the time, while ignoring your own needs and wants.

Allowing fear to stop you from doing things that make you happy.

Walking blindly through life not knowing who you are, or what you want.

Not recognizing your own skills and talents.

Accepting less than you deserve.

Not speaking up for yourself and allowing others to mistreat you.

HEAL yourself..go no contact and if you are doing or have done the above to yourself. Take your power back. R-E-S-P-E-C-T yourself. Take no abuse.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: living with Hope on October 27, 2014, 06:42:07 PM: Thank you.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 29, 2014, 02:48:31 AM: You are welcome Living with Hope..what you allow will continue.

Take your power back and focus on healing from the inside out. You are enough. Greive and work through it.

Unhappy people strive to make others feel the same way. Misery loves company. Save your sanity.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 26, 2014, 03:54:48 AM: The holidays are here! If you haven't tried it yet Thanksgiving is a good practice spot. A warm up for Christmas.

End the drama and games. Take your power and instill some peace. Let go...
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on November 26, 2014, 04:50:08 AM: No Contact,

I've been No Contact since we divorced 6 months ago, D13 is with me most of the time so I see no need to have to contact her and get drawn into her drama's.

No contact does it for me.

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: TopsyTurvy on November 26, 2014, 05:04:57 AM: Wow that first post.#4 yes he put me on a pedestal, explained how crazy his ex's were

how good they play the victim role, don't we? Well, now you are on that list too! One of the most devastating things survivors experience is the frustrating feeling of knowing this person is so freaking credible and good at what he does

Absolutely, H was so credible and good at everything, boy has he fallen off his perch now.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 26, 2014, 07:27:39 PM: And the longer you do this the better and the stronger you feel!

Yep- they are the victim BOO f*ckING HOO! You cannot waste your empathy on them they need to GROW UP!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: hopeful1 on November 26, 2014, 09:06:27 PM: LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!

xoxox
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blackhen on November 26, 2014, 10:46:57 PM: Hey Init!

Just stopped by for my regular MLC cold shower!!

xox
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 27, 2014, 04:38:22 AM: Keep crazy at bay..instill peace . Do not fret over things you cannot control. God gave everyone free will.

Take no disrespect or abuse.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 17, 2014, 06:37:57 AM: Give yourself some peace this hoilday season stay way from the drama ignore the overtures. Each day you will get stronger.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: hopeful1 on December 17, 2014, 01:03:35 PM: Thank you. I am going to read this everytime I feel down
Amazingly true
If only I had nc from the beginning maybe monster wouldn't have done so much damage
But can't change that
Moving forward.
X
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 17, 2014, 06:40:18 PM: I made the same mistake hopeful1.

I should have gone NC right off the bat and had him arrested for stalking and harrassement but I was trying to save the family... ::)

My efforts meant nothing to him....or them apparently. I was just supposed to stick my head in the sand like nothing happened.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda..don't beat yourself up over it now. At least I know now there was no saving the relationship.

There was none to save.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: hopeful1 on December 17, 2014, 09:58:46 PM: I am at that point too
I don't wAnt to save it now
I litterally just filed for divorce all he has to do is reply if he doesn't want it but that won't happen
So that's it now
I am done H had monstered too toxic now
Yes I too only contacted to save my family and all it did was destroy it
But I have my our family now and he had his new life
So no use crying over spilt milk.
I truly accept it's over.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 18, 2014, 03:32:26 AM: Things do get better..I guess ...more like different.

Divorced for 4 years. NC for 1 year and 8 months. The advice focus on you is key and what helps you feel the best. Cry and get sleep!!

The monstering is projection in how they feel about themselves. As hard as it is - you cannot take it personally.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 05:41:13 AM: Valentines Day is on it's way..you may see cycling from them or experience your own.

If you haven't tried No Contact yet this could be a good time to start. Heal- use your head and save your heart.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blondie on February 02, 2015, 06:00:43 AM: Good advice in it, my H is for the most part a vanisher and I am mainly NC. I am dreading my first Valentine's Day without him though we never made a big deal of it. I have a lot of willpower luckily so I know I wont contact him even though I'll want to! It will be hard though, I think I'm mostly worried that my H will do something stupid like propose to OW! I agree, No Contact works best for me to be able to move on.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 06:12:02 AM: I must admit the lack of acknowledgeing anything by the ex..Valentines Day, birthdays anniversaires, and Christmas really helped me to get passed any of the holidays.

How can you miss what you never had?

You have to look at it this way. If he proposes to her what is she getting?
More than likely they deserve each other.

YOU deserve better than that! :)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blondie on February 02, 2015, 06:23:54 AM: You're right, she'd be getting a bad-tempered lying cheat! :) They do deserve each other, I even told my H that OW had done me a favour. Now I need to start believing that statement all of the time. I'm still quite new to this but NC has saved me. And I do deserve better, you're right. Thank you :)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on February 02, 2015, 06:40:12 AM: I hate to change the focus but my concern is the opposite. My wife's OM matches your description of your husband. Very charming initially but after a while people get the sense that something is off. Divorced twice. He had a child from each marriage living with him because ex-wives "didn't want them" but when things were uncomfortable between his 13yo daughter and my wife he sent his daughter off to live with her mother 60 miles away. He's been demoted twice at work but apparently they can't get rid of him because he's the union president. What happens when the OP is a narcissist? Any thoughts?
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 07:25:12 AM: Yep.

If your W or H is dealing with a narssisist (or sociopath) YOU simply ignore the drama and games. Focus on you and get healthy.

What they will expeirence will more than likely be a discard.

The narssistic cycle is..

win them (their "high")..

put them on a pedestal.( "idealize")..

devalue stage (might take a while..has to get very abusive in some cases)

then discard.

They tend to do this with ANY relationship.

Narccists bring about exactly what they fear most which is abandonment.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 07:57:46 AM: And more than likely the postion his ex wives were in were the same as I am.

He kept his daughter away from the ex by brainwashing her. CONTROL is everything to them. Or it was a money issue so he wouldn't have to pay support.

I'm more than sure it wasn't because their mothers didn't want them.

Now when the 13 year old is no longer convenient? He gets rid of her....he discarded his daughter.

I hope her mother understand's what she is and was dealing with.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on February 02, 2015, 08:13:43 AM: I think this guy is a real piece of work. As you say, he discarded his daughter in order to have a relationship with a married woman. I suspect he wanted his daughter for both of the reasons you mentioned, control and money, plus it's an ego boost because it makes him look like the good dad. I believe he's with my wife because she will be well off financially if we divorce and I've been told he is broke. I hope my wife figures out what she is dealing with. It sounds like they can inflict a lot of emotional damage and my wife has always been very open and trusting.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 09:14:10 AM: Yep they sure can and that is pretty much ALL any of these OP's are after is money..they know there is going to be a divorce and a settlement.

Or even if the divorce doesn't happen they will get the high off being the possible cause of it.

Yep makes him look like a "good dad" when that couldn't be further from the truth.

A healthy person would encourage a relationship between the other parent with a child. Not work on the children to alienate the other parent.

And that's what happened to me before second BD I was too COMPASSIONATE open and trusting. I was wiped out financally and discarded then assualted. And belive it or not it took a lot for me to walk away from it. ::)

That's why everyone says they come back broken ..they go right out there get involved with someone else and they are so sure the person they are with isn't capable of taking advantage of them. They are vulnerable and do not realize it.

That's why LBS'S spending time alone is so important. You cannot just let them back in your life and "fix" it for them. No saving, no enabling. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.

You cannot tell them anything. They have to learn the lesson on their own for them to accept it.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 02, 2015, 01:39:49 PM: Although most may argue the H's or W's are not sociopaths most everyone might be able to relate their current behavior as such.

Found online:

DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT

WHY BREAKING THE NO CONTACT RULE IS A VERY BAD IDEA AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!

I admit, it can be tempting. That pull in your stomach to just speak to your former partner. You want the pain in your heart to go away. You reason with yourself, that if you could just have contact one more time, you can resolve things and the pain will go away. Or perhaps you want to tell the sociopath exactly what you think of him/her.

As tempting as this might be, breaching no contact is not a good idea. The No Contact rule is there for a reason. It is there to allow you space to think and space to grow and heal. You almost certainly wouldn’t have had space to think whilst in the relationship.

Benefits of No Contact

You retain dignity
You do NOT give your abuser any further information about you (as any information that you do give – can later be manipulated)

You are feeding the addiction to the abuser. You are therefore lengthing your pain.

When you break no contact, even if the contact was good, all that this does, is to start the cycle again. By keeping to No Contact you move forward rather than round in a circle.

The sociopath is NOT your saviour. If you look back, can you not see that they destroyed you and your life? Why give them an opportunity to do this to you again?

You give yourself space to heal, grow and recover

You are weaning yourself off of the deliberate addiction and dependency created by the sociopath

You are forced to focus on you. On recovering your life.

Without the sociopath you will reach out to others.

It hurts – but you will move out of the fog of confusion

YOU ARE FREE!!!

You avoid the pain of the sociopath hurting you some more and prevent them from telling you either how great their new life is without you, or allow them to put you down, or threaten you.

You send a clear message to the sociopath – they no longer have a hold or control over you

What do you expect to achieve by breaking the No Contact rule?

If you make contact, if you are telling them how you really feel about them, do you think that they will feel bad? They won’t. Instead it will likely inflate their ego how another partner was so ‘in love’ with them, how great they must be that you are still pining after them. It will reinforce in their mind, why you are the one at fault. How their own actions are justified.

Alternative: Keep a journal, or write an email and press save to draft. The outcome is the same for you, in that you get your feelings out. The damage to you, is limited.

Remember that you have been emotionally abused. Your brain has been manipulated and controlled. Yes it can feel slightly ‘weird’ and ‘empty’, after all this person has likely removed you from your own world. Your own life. Your life is still there, it is just that you need to reach out to it. Feel that pain inside and use this to make you determined to rebuild your life for you. Be determined to make your own life better. The sociopath will not make your life better. You know this (or you wouldn’t be reading this site).

What happens when I break No Contact?

When you break no contact, the outcome is really dependent on your abuser. How they are feeling (remember it is all about them). They might be delighted to hear from you, hurray you are prepared to be used some more.

They might even give you false empty promises or play victim so that you feel sorry for them. They might falsely accuse you, or deflect blame towards you. Alternatively they might take glee in ignoring your calls or texts and giving you the silent treatment.

Whether the response is good or bad. The outcome is always bad. This is about you remember? Making contact with your abuser allows one thing, you give them permission to abuse you some more. Is this what you want?

Whilst your body might be screaming and crying out for the addiction fix of the sociopath. What does having a quick fix when you are dependent achieve? It merely continues the dependency.

You need to see that the sociopath deliberately creates dependency to them, and this in turn creates an addiction to the sociopath…. when the sociopath leaves you feels an affliction to the addiction. There is no need to make contact with them, unless you want more of the same treatment.

The sociopath will not change. Their behaviour patterns are so similar, readers of this site can identify with the complex behaviour of another readers partner as if it were their own. Remember that sociopaths are also compulsive pathological liars and will say anything to get what they want. Literally anything. They do not have a conscience, they do not think how it will affect you. What is important to them is:

Being in control
Winning

Making contact with the sociopath, will only empower them to feel that they are both winning and in control. Is this what you want? As this is how they will see it. They will see it that you cannot live without them, and that no matter how badly they treat you, you will still come back for more. At this, they think one thing ‘SUCKER’…..

Breaking the no contact rule will only serve to cause you further pain and heartache. Once again the sociopath will be centre stage. Your focus will be back to them and not on you and your own life. Sure they might tell you how they are changing, how they are being a great person now and that the next person will benefit from all that you taught them?

This is just another manipulative ruse from the sociopath. It isn’t true. They might think it is, but the reality is that they repeat patterns of behaviour. They will time and time again. If not with you, they will with someone else.

It is time for you to start loving YOU. You’re worth it. You are beautiful in your own right. Contact people who really do love you. Contact people who help you to grow and to shine, not the one who makes you feel small and insignificant. The people who truly love you, probably miss you and would love to hear from you.

If you have less people in your life at the end of the relationship, than you did in the beginning, this is a huge warning sign. Have you not lost enough? How much more do you want to lose?

Also remember that to the sociopath, life is a game. Other people are merely players in the game. If you make contact, you are agreeing to play the game further. Is this what you want?

Stick to No Contact and focus the energy on loving you!!!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 03, 2015, 07:33:57 PM: A bit of the humorous side of implementing no contact..found online

Doing the Monkey Dance

You already know by now that the narcissist is unbeatable at their own game—which is to win at all costs. You’ve hired attorneys, you’ve tried to reason with them, you’ve given them what you think they want and nothing works. They keep coming back, keep being jerks and a**wipes and they keep wearing you down.

You think you have no options. I’ve heard other victims say they have contemplated killing the narcissist or killing themself to make the madness stop. Let me assure you, violence is NOT a solution or an answer, but ignoring them is.

In the wild when animals face off against each other they dance, huff, growl, scream and get all worked up, biologists call it “a monkey dance.” Monkeys are particularly vocal and animated when they’re angry and their angry monkey dance can be very intimidating to other monkeys.

When drunken men do this same thing, scream, threaten, jump around, and throw things in bars, police officers also call it “doing the monkey dance.” Whether it’s in nature, or as a result of the male or female ego trying to impress or intimidate, it’s still a “monkey dance.”

The monkey dance is usually an orchestrated series of screams, arm waving, drama, threatening words, jumping up and down and all around and throwing stuff. At first glance it’s intimidating and frightening and viewers, especially targets of the dance, feel threatened, scared and want to run. Good. That’s what the monkey dance is supposed to evoke in an opponent—fear and flight. It keeps people and animals from getting injured. But it’s a bluff!

Researchers have learned that the monkey dance is just that—a dance designed to intimidate and frighten those around them so they’ll flee and the monkey won’t have to fight. Because in a real fight? The monkey usually loses.

I want you to sit for a minute and visualize yourself behind bullet proof glass, watching an angry monkey on the other side. They’re acting like two-year olds in a rage (and indeed many of them may have suffered their emotional wounding at that age). See the monkey throwing its own feces, screaming, running around the room, punching holes in the wall, throwing things, waving its arms. Keep watching. Remember the bullet proof glass. They can’t hurt you.Their actions are all bluff and threats.

As your mind begins to see that the dancing, raging monkey can’t hurt you, you begin to relax. You stop feeling threatened and begin to feel curious. What will he do next? Keep watching. Eventually you start to see patterns.

He steps in his own poop, then throws it. He windmills his arms, then hops up and down. Eventually you start to laugh because you finally see what he’s doing—pitching a fit. At about the same time you see him as a non-threat and a joke, he senses a change in you because he sees your posture change.

You’re leaning forward, not back. You’re not afraid of eye contact. You’re laughing. The monkey begins to feel uneasy. That’s not how his dance is suppose to end. You’re supposed to run away, to see him as some sort of all-knowing, all dangerous threat. But you don’t. He changes his tactics. He beats on the glass. You may be startled for a minute, but you laugh, knowing he can’t break through.

Eventually you get bored with the feces throwing, fit pitching monkey and YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM. You have other things to do, and you quit watching, responding or caring that mr. monkey is still dancing behind you. You have finally learned how to ignore the monkey.

Narcissists are a lot like angry monkeys doing their monkey dance. When a narcissist goes into a rage, 99 times out of 100 that’s all it is—a glorified, poop throwing, pissing, stomping temper tantrum. And because we’re such co-dependents and generally so hooked into pleasing the narcissist, we fall for it. We respond just like they want us to. They get what they want, and we’re left feeling frustration, anger and fear while they go on their merry way.

But we have a weapon they can’t defeat—IGNORING THEM.

The ONE thing the narcissist wants, and gets, with this stupid dance, is our attention. Remember—narcissistic supply. They need our attention, negative or positive, to breathe. They literally cannot survive without our attention. So ignore them. When they start to pass out from lack of supply they are literally forced to go elsewhere to seek it.

I know. Ignoring them is VERY HARD. You’ve got a thousand reasons why you tell yourself you NEED to pay attention, to watch what they’re doing, to worry and obsess over them and their pissy little dance. Unless you’re living with the narcissist, or have custody issues, or work with them, or they’ve been physically violent in the past, totally ignoring them is your best path to salvation. When you hold the ONE thing they can’t get? They want it. If you waiver just a bit and give in, you have to start over because you’ve just taught them that persistence wears you down and it then becomes a game they want to win. Don’t let them.

The bulletproof wall is in your faith, your mind, your self-control. It takes a little longer to learn that ignoring them is the best way to deal with them, but you can.
Spotting the Monkey Dance

It’s not hard to spot the monkey dance. It happens any time you disagree with, confront, ignore or inadvertently shame or confuse a narcissist. Narcissists are hard-wired to monkey dance anytime they’re not sleeping, sucking up or looking for new victims. It’s who they are. What’s more important is learning how to DEAL with the monkey dance.

Dealing with the Monkey Dance

Monkey dances come in various forms: cell phone calls, text messages, postings on FaceBook or in social media groups you belong to and so on. You may see the monkey dance if you live, work with or encounter a narcissist anywhere they deem it okay to dance. What’s important is to BLOCK your viewing of the dance.

Emails are digital monkey dances. Use filters on your email to ensure that whenever they email you, their email goes directly to a folder where you don’t know about it, you don’t see it, and you’re not tempted to read it. If they’re planning legal action action you can’t stop it by reading an email because you can NOT reason with a narcissist.

They don’t understand or care about you. They ONLY care about themselves. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they’re reasonable people. They just want to suck you into their dance. You can’t DO anything until they act, so why get in a froth about their dancing. IF they file legal action you’ll get a certified letter in the mail. Then you can address the letter. 99% of what they threaten never comes to pass. For the 1% that does, attorneys are wonderful for dealing with them as long as you don’t get a narcissistic attorney.

Block their email on your cell phone. If your phone doesn’t have this function, call your provider. If they need a court order to block the person or number, then get it. Don’t answer their call. Don’t listen to their voice mail. 99% of what they’re threatening won’t happen and all it does is upset you. IGNORE THEM. IGNORE THEIR MESSAGES. [/b]They are not worth your time.

YOU have something to offer society and friends, they do not. You wouldn’t offer your friends turds for treats would you? Then stop interacting with the narcissist because their negative energy infuses your own and makes you miserable, which makes your friend’s miserable. And you NEED your friends.

Hire an attorney. Attorneys can cost thousands of dollars, or not. Take your time looking. Make sure they’re not a narcissist by interviewing them and looking for tell-tale signs. I’ve found an attorney who charges me flat rates for services and offers me a very low rate for being the person the narcissist must deal with if they want to dance. A cease and desist letter can cost as little as $25.

The follow up with criminal charges for stalking and pursing other legal action is about the same. If you’re worried about your monkey, then find an attorney the first time the monkey starts dancing. Explain your situation, get your letters and start the legal process rolling. Most monkeys don’t like jail, which is where they could be headed once you document their abuse and their contacting you after an attorney has told them to “cease and desist.” There are laws in many states that prohibit emailing and phone calls and online harassment.

Avoid Dance Floors. Meaning, don’t go where the narcissist likes to dance. If you’re working with, involved with or otherwise forced to deal with the narcissist they’re going to dance no matter what you do or say. It’s THEIR pathology, not you.

When they launch into their screaming, offer them a banana, or you can leave the room, the office, the house or go stand by a friend of yours so they can watch the dance too.

Monkeys can be shy (unless they’re celebrity monkeys who love the attention) but the average monkey dancer doesn’t want their other sources of narcissistic supply to see them in a rage. If you belong to a social media group, stop posting. Unfriend and unfollow. Don’t stick around to watch the train wreck or get tempted to react to something they say. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE.

If that’s still hard to do, buy a plastic banana or dancing sock monkey and write your narcissist’s name on it. Every time you feel tempted to respond, react or engage with them, even in your mind remind yourself they’re a dancing monkey.

If you’re a generous, kind person, which you are because a narcissist was attracted to you, you may think this is cruel and insensitive and painful. And to do it to a NORMAL person would be, but narcissists aren’t normal. They’re unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs and boundaries. Where you’re worried about them and not yourself, they’re ONLY concerned with themselves and wringing every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you, before dumping you and moving on to their next victim. The better you are at ignoring them, the faster they’ll move on.

DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP of TRYING TO REDEEM, CHANGE, RESCUE OR SAVE THEM. It can’t happen.

Anyone who tells you it’s possible is thinking of the 1% of the .0000005 % that might have changed. Now, go find ways to ignore your narcissist and remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 04, 2015, 06:25:42 AM: Found online:

No Contact

Definition

No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

Description

There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse.

Going No Contact (NC) is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior.

Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better".

Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.

People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) about it:

Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life.

They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step.

Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak.

Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to hoovering by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended.

People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance".
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 06, 2015, 11:54:02 AM: bump
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Pixiegirl on February 06, 2015, 12:28:34 PM: Quote from: in it on February 02, 2015, 09:14:10 AM

That's why LBS'S spending time alone is so important. You cannot just let them back in your life and "fix" it for them. No saving, no enabling. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.

You cannot tell them anything. They have to learn the lesson on their own for them to accept it.

Thanks for bumping this up Init. I needed to read THIS today! I am doing the right thing. YES I am.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 06, 2015, 05:23:58 PM: Yes you are Pixiegirl. Have fun with your son and let go.

Your H have to sort the mess out for himself. It isn't like this hasn't happened before and will continue as long as you allow it.

The games are over. Break the cycle.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blackhen on February 06, 2015, 11:34:10 PM: Thanks Init. I am also working on not feeling sorry for my P.

So true - he got himself into this mess, he can get himself out.

I had a pattern in our relationship of tidying up his messes. I will never have a relationship like that EVER again, with him or anyone else, unless they are an infant who is not potty trained.

Keep up the good work

xox
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 06, 2015, 11:57:40 PM: Thanks BH..I think more often than not our compassion and sympathy get the better of us.

We have educated ourselves through reading articales here and online as to what may be going on with them...we know them better than anyone ..correct?

We may even have a better understanding than they do of what's wrong with them. That education may be something that gets in the way of us laying down boundaries and standing up for ourselves.

We may understand it; but we cannot fix, control, or enable it.

Here's the deal:

The second you feel sorry for them they haul you back in to repeat the cycle again and again. As many times as WE allow it.

And that relationship you speak of (minus the diapers?) is simply too much work.

Take zero abuse. ((HUGS))
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blackhen on February 07, 2015, 12:22:49 AM: I have so much fun stuff to do and I've already squandered way too much time on his problems.

My new acronym: TZA

Rock on!

;)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 07, 2015, 08:49:02 AM: And you do get to that point where you realize you have wasted way too much time on trying to figure out what their problem is.

In order to regain some of myself I have had to simplify it.

Not dealing with someone who wants to make you miserable, CONTROL everything you do, would not consider anyone else might be right , criticize the $hit out of you, create drama, brainwash and feed people bull$hit, or even entertain how someone else thinks, not to mention the exs anger issues and screaming and yelling and physical violence has HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY.

We won't even go into the lack of respect that I've seen in the sharing of this agonizing part of peoples lives on here I've read. The healthiest most peaceful thing for us is NC.

I am quite content.

And fun is very important. :)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 07, 2015, 06:19:59 PM: Found online

TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

1.   No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.

2.   No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out."

3.   No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.

4.   No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust not to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Use Caller ID or let your machine pick up.

5.   No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their e-mails, IMs, and ability to see when you are online.

6.   No meetings to "talk things over" or "work things out."

7.   No cards or letters, and No responding to cards or letters. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No Mother's Day or Father's Day cards.

8.   No giving gifts and No accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, No acknowledging it and No responding.

9.   No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.

10.   No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a response. He will interpret it to mean that you are still emotionally connected to him, you still care, and if he keeps trying, he can wear you down. Just ignore all communications.

11.   No visits, including hospital visits.

12.   No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Monitor your children's e-mails and cell phones, changing e-mail accounts and phone numbers if necessary. Warn your children to stay away from them, and to run and tell a teacher if they show up at their school. Notify your children's school to call you and the police.

13.   No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place, ignore them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud voice, "Leave me alone!" and "Do not talk to me." If they persist or you believe you are being stalked, call the police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of.

14.   No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.

15.   No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information or spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not loyal to you.

16.   No listening to any news about them. If you are absolutely dying of curiosity, listen, but do not show any undue interest, do not get baited into responding, and do not reveal any information about yourself in return.

17.   No giving other people information about you or your family that they could carry back to your abuser.

18.   No invitations to your big events and No responding to invitations they send you.

19.   No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead.

20.   No big announcements and No telling them anything about your life- No letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work, or go to school, or when your grandkids are born.

21.   Print out e-mails, tape voicemail messages, and keep all cards, letters, and other communications in a file for future harassment or stalking charges, but do not respond.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 09, 2015, 06:13:06 PM: Protect yourself and any possible future relationship with NC.

These MLCer's can do a number on your self worth and your self esteem with what they may do but especially what they say.

Any negativity should be avoided in any way possible. Love and protect yourself first.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on February 09, 2015, 08:10:08 PM: Quote from: in it on February 09, 2015, 06:13:06 PM
Protect yourself and any possible future relationship with NC.
Do you think it's possible to reconnect/reconcile after NC?
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 10, 2015, 03:25:52 AM: I think whatever relationship that has been damaged does.

IMHO It's better than to continue having contact and either saying or hearing ( or someone doing something) that creates something else for the other to have to get passed.

I did way more emotional damage to myself after 1st BD than was necessary by listening to the bull$h!te.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 10, 2015, 09:09:51 PM: By Pourtia Nelson

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

If you keep communicating with them and having the same circular conversation or keep ending up on the nasty end of monster. Consider NC as the last line of this poem.

Respect yourself enough to walk down another street.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 13, 2015, 07:35:26 PM: Valentines Day..don't let the sentiment draw you into any kind of emotion they may express..don't let it set you back..let go and move forward.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blackhen on February 25, 2015, 12:11:56 AM: I've had the "I walk down the street" poem on my wall for a while. I've found it very helpful.
The last line could indeed be NC.
Or a new destination.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on February 25, 2015, 02:50:44 AM: Like they say..the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If you do not separate yourself from the games and the drama and lies etc... it makes it more difficult for you to focus on you and heal.

Boundaries are important in regards to this journey.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: tristana on March 01, 2015, 05:35:04 AM: Living under the same roof, I can't afford to move out and he left his job (IT manager, first philosophy graduee from Oxford). There is no OP, just various female ego brashers. I am currently studying law to become a paralegal, so that I can make a decent living.
"Living together in a civilised manner" approach is a dead end. So, NC. Any advise for NC while living in the same house?
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on March 02, 2015, 03:39:17 AM: I know it's not easy living in the same house with someone who has these kinds of issues.

I tried to sleep in a different room trying to keep a roof over my head. I even sent him a list of boundaries by email. It only served to make the situation more stressful and bizarre, I didn't have the money to leave either. And would have if I did.

You could look into help from DSS or HUD if you are in the United States. They may be able to help you financially rent etc.

Domestic Violence maybe able to help also. If you feel emotionally abused you probably are. Verbal abuse is also abuse.

Practice avoiding him as much as possible. (((HUGS)))
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on March 02, 2015, 04:21:07 AM: Quote from: tristana
"Living together in a civilised manner" approach is a dead end. So, NC. Any advise for NC while living in the same house?
.

I did 2 years with a livin MLC'er, it was sooooh hard but it can be done.

Planned avoidance, if they are around find something to do in another room or even go out for a walk, visit friends.

Detach from the emotion, the 2 of you are in the same house avoid drama and function as is this person is a long standing house guest.

minimise interactions and contact, just keep any discussions brief and to the point.

also read the 21 no contact rules in this thread and try apply them to your in house situation.

Peace to you

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: tristana on March 02, 2015, 04:46:23 AM: Thanks very much for helping me! We have been living in separate room, having separate lives for a while. I have been working on myself, getting ready for the perspective of living on my own (in a foreign country - Ireland). While doing this, I was still in a fragile state, hoping that it won't come to it, as he used to be a kind, considerate and dependable spouse. Being afraid of losing me (or control of me), he tried a few times to manipulate me into "let's stay together and work on our relationship". The last attempt was simply done for the purpose of getting to sleep with me. I knew it would not work, but I hoped to have some peace at home. Then he cancelled an outing we had planned together in order to meet a female friend. That was the last straw, it is obvious that it is not getting anywhere. He has been continually abusing my kindness, understanding and friendship.
The idea is for me to keep away from this turmoil, and for him to stop blaming me and start facing his issues. But the perpetually self reproducing Phoenix bird of victimisation has unlimited ways and means.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on March 14, 2015, 08:56:37 PM: Don't have sex with him again. Protect yourself. You have no idea who he's been with.

They look at kindness as weakness. They take advantage wherever they can. Save the empathy, compassion and understanding for yourself. Be rude if you have to lay down firm boundaries and back it up with a consequence.

They enjoy inflicting pain. This is all about CONTROL...DO NOT REWARD disrepectful behavior.

Approx 28 more days I have been nc for 2 years. :)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: tristana on March 15, 2015, 02:50:49 AM: Financial independence is a bless! :'(
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on March 15, 2015, 04:30:13 AM: I know. In the US there is help to pay for rent and some utilities. I'm not sure about where you live.

Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with and remove yourself from the games?

Make no more plans or anything else with him. He does this to set you up.

Get out of the house when you can. Make plans that don't include him. Church or any other social activity.

If he asks you to do something reply "I'm not interested"
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on March 18, 2015, 04:51:32 AM: Bump
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on March 18, 2015, 05:20:39 AM: Hi, init,

How was your st. Patrick's Day?
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on March 18, 2015, 05:22:31 AM: OK I guess.. I worked.

I stopped Sunday in the afternoon at a tavern that had some acoustic music and had dinner with a friend.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Treasure on March 20, 2015, 02:18:49 PM: Attaching
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 05, 2015, 02:48:51 AM: In 23 more days it's two years of NC. My kind of party.

After 32 years of bull$h!te. I finally have some peace. I understand what I want are people in my life that help make it easier- not harder.

NC isn't to punish them it's to help gain perpective and heal. Find balance and be grateful and focus on what you do have instead of what you don't.

It's who you have in your life that matters and not who you don't. I'm starting to tell people about how I feel about them without worrying if they feel the same.

I'm discovering being brave is doing something that scares the $h!te right out of you. With no expectations.

Please do not waste your emotion on someone who isn't capable of feeling them in regards to this teenage phase of life they have entered. They hate themselves and therefore cannot love others.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on April 05, 2015, 06:36:19 AM: I am 10 months post Divorce and I am NC with xW, as far as NC can go when you have a child together.

Random text from xW are ignored, the temptation to send her snotty emails is resisted.

NC is used to heal yourself and not punish the MLC’er although they do seem to exception to that.

Without NC I would not be as healed as I am today.

I fully endorse the use of NC to protect and heal yourself.

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 05, 2015, 07:15:40 AM: Since their main goal is our ATTENTION and their focus is CONTROL. Of course they would take exception.

Keep up the good work Lanzo..they will do their level best to bring us down if possible.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 07, 2015, 07:31:44 PM: If you have tried everything else and are some ready for some peace..give it a try..nothing else worked for me.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 24, 2015, 04:32:39 AM: Four more days until 2 years of NC AND I have the day off from work HORRAY!

I think I actually may have seen the ex the other day..he drove by in a car. About a week later the downstairs tenant's car got keyed. Mine didn't and it was parked right behind his. hmmm....

Lots of postive things have happen since the ordeal two years ago. Go nc and heal trust God and yourself.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MeNow on April 24, 2015, 04:37:39 AM: My perspective is (and it took years to get there) that I don't want someone who doesn't want me. That makes it easier for me to detach.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 24, 2015, 05:17:27 AM: That's pretty much the case. If someone wants you in their life they would make the effort to keep you there.

You need to examine who has what you may need in order to have a healthy happy relationship. Although it sounds kind of backwards I had to figure out what I didn't want first.

I don't want anymore disrespect for me or how I feel. That's first. And if I see or hear someone doing that? I'm pretty much done with them. Big red flag.

And you cannot have a healthy relationship if you do not love and resepct yourself first.

Go NC. Protect you and who you are in the midst of becoming. Eliminate the negative and the drama and games.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on April 24, 2015, 05:46:41 AM: my xW had bought her own house, and out of all the people in the world she could have asked, she sent me a text asking what kind of house insurance should she get. Needless to say that text was ignored.

I've been pretty much no contact since my divorce.

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 24, 2015, 06:32:59 AM: Good.... she wanted her own life let her figure it out.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on April 24, 2015, 09:49:58 AM: Yep, when your ready to move on and heal no contact is the only way. It's hard for a while, but then you realize what a relief it is.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 24, 2015, 02:57:45 PM: Yep it is a relief to step away from the crazy...BREATHE!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 24, 2015, 05:07:52 PM: Found online

Don't break no contact and keep your proverbial door closed

No Contact is essentially closing your door on the relationship by cutting contact and distancing yourself, so that you have a chance to gain objectivity, break an unhealthy partnering, and gradually rebuild your life. By closing the door, you signal that the privileges that they’ve enjoyed in or out of the relationship no longer exist, and by enforcing boundaries, you also impose limits on your own behaviour, which may have detracted from you.

But as some of you have discovered, after the breakup or during No Contact, your ex may periodically, or even often, try to get your attention. They might do the same thing, almost like clockwork – I hear from readers who have exes that always reach out on the same day, or every X weeks, or Y months. Or during the holidays or whenever. Some of you have let the same ex back in with the same con numerous times.

When you’re broken up but are still receptive, it’s basically like having a security keypad on your proverbial door. Because you’re still receptive even before they attempt contact, you’ve avoided doing anything as ‘drastic’ as changing the lock or taking back their key. With the access code, you either haven’t changed it, or you have, but you’ve either changed it to a code that you know they’re likely to guess, or you keep dropping hints making it easy for them to figure it out. Maybe you send texts saying that you miss them or that you’re really hurting and finding it hard to move on and they get an idea of which ‘buttons’ to press.

Your post breakup access code can be made up of validation, Future Faking such as plans and claims of changing, and Fast Forwarding including seduction.

When they successfully gain access and are basically inside the perimeter of your heart and mind, your ex may also take it upon themselves to press The Reset Button which can be as drastic as restoring you to your ‘original settings’. Then you end up having to ‘relearn’ why you broke up with them in the first place and gather the strength to boot them out and change the code and lock your door.

It’s the same when you have an ex that attempts to get their foot through your proverbial door by any means necessary…sending you dumb jokes, weather and sports commentary, asking if you’re friends yet, provoking you with information about them with a new person, sending nasty messages, sending apologetic messages, turning up, moaning to your friends, pitching themselves to your family, slagging you off knowing full well that you’ll hear it back and may confront them, making up lies, claiming that they’re ill, claiming that they’re dying, claiming someone else has died, claiming that they don’t think they can live anymore, saying that they have to get something from your place even though there’s nothing there, reneging on agreements to pay you back, claiming that they’ll leave their wife/husband/partner, claiming that they’re almost ready to leave, and the list goes on.

It’s natural to be affected by this onslaught, but as I explained to Yoshizzle, they’re being tactical to break down your defences so that you ‘open the door’. They don’t want you; they just want to win.

When you remember this, they have less power.

Don’t misread this bull$h!te and see it as flattering (it’s not, it’s boundary busting big style) or where it’s particularly unpleasant, as being reflective of who you are. You must recognise that when you have boundaries and/or try to move on, for some people, this makes them feel out of control so they have to pull this stuff to try to give themselves a sense of being in control of you. If you give in, with the control follows a loss of desire erection.

Imagine yourself as a door, that you’ve now closed and locked.

Your ex comes along and tries to open the door, but discovers that their key doesn’t work. They keep trying it but no result. They have a root around and pull out a selection of keys that they know used to work on you. Still nothing. They come back another day and try to jimmy the lock with hairpin. Another day they try with a credit card. Another day they kick at it furiously and you’re near crapping yourself and feeling you should cave in and unlock, but you hold your ground.

The next time, they try the gentle and polite approach with the door, maybe pressing the doorbell, and trying to look through the letterbox. The time after that they serenade you (reminds me of Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore), or leave flowers or rat droppings (snigger) – let’s hope they don’t put poo through your letterbox… Then they get pissed off again that the door isn’t open so they try to take a hammer to it. Maybe they kick at it, thump the crap out of it, or stand a few feet away throwing rocks and hoping you’ll be intimidated. You’re scared and wondering why the hell they’re doing this. They then try a calmer approach to the door. Then get frustrated again. And lather, rinse, repeat.

What you don’t do is open the door. Especially when you’ve previously opened the door and got yourself hurt for your trouble. It’s like letting someone pull the same con on you more than once. Where’s your door chain?

Yes their antics are a pain in the arse but the best thing that you can do is recognise how unbelievably inappropriate their behaviour is and use it as further validation of why your relationship needs to be over.

Let me say it again – it’s not flattering; it’s effed up.

You don’t need this type of negative attention – not all attention is created equal.

Door bashing relies on either a receptive occupant, or the perception that the person will be receptive, and if they keep being met with a closed door, they’ll eventually fade away and find some other fallback option to pester. In the meantime, don’t let their antics own you and keep moving forward
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: hopeful1 on April 25, 2015, 10:56:19 PM: The hardest part for me is my H hasade well and truly sure there is NC
I was doing great the last few months
Then my S13 had meltdown and wanting dad home
I was stupid enough to contact h sister and get him to call
Since that day 5 days ago I am consumed again by h
H is now onto second ow and moved in with her after a few weeks and now is putting photos of them in bed on FB. My fault by being sneaky I was able to view his FB
Now I am back to the consuming thoughts grrr
So yes NC is the only way to go. But in my case NC means my m is well and truly over and I have times where I am still in denial even though I know I would be a fool to go back to him. His not the person I married and everything his done has ruined all the innocence of our sacred marriage. He has NC no financial support no nothing with us. Abd after 25 years together I would of expected some care but nope nothing. His too happy being in love.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 26, 2015, 03:14:15 AM: hopeful1- It's a setback..stay off facebook.

I thought after about 32 years in that family there might be some concern about me? Nope.

They all got what they wanted so they should be happy. I'm a lot happier and more peaceful without the ex in my life I know that much. He wanted me gone so I am.

Replace the negative thoughts with the positive. What isn't in your life you don't miss?

Believe me he isn't happy. It's not your job to make him feel that way. It isn't possible. Happiness comes from within.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: hopeful1 on April 27, 2015, 12:00:21 AM: Totally agree he is definately not happy
If he was happy he wouldn't still be so afraid to talk to me
After NC for months he still speaks to me with hate
That just shows his not happy
Yes my inlaws have abandoned me and my boys too
As they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Feeling stronger today.
Need to stay focussed on me not his mental state
My kids don't need to mental parents. In a way I am glad his vanished
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 27, 2015, 03:25:34 AM: Yes focus on you.

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

Focus on you and try to be the best person you can for you. Too much of trying to try to understand what's going on with him won't get you anywhere and robs you of your inner peace.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 28, 2015, 03:37:09 AM: Well today is the day! Two years of no contact since the domestic violence incident.

I know some people might think that should be an easy thing to do..it isn't. Some big positive have happened in the passed two years.

One of them being perspective. People have been through worse and survived it ..I'm sure I will too.

Verbal and physical abuse, control, financial, and emotional abuse isn't love.

Find your own happiness within and inner peace. Have more self respect than to put up with any of it.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on April 28, 2015, 05:01:40 AM: all of that stuff should be moving further and further in the distance in your rear view mirror, congratulations on achieving 2 years of NO CONTACT :)

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 28, 2015, 05:35:20 AM: Thanks Lanzo (((HUGS))) It is in the rear view mirror.

I could in time forget about it..but I do have to remember the hate, control, and fear behind it.

That belongs to the ex not me.

Triggers lessen in time and I am heading for happiness and peace.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on April 28, 2015, 06:59:07 AM: Wonderful init! Maybe next year you won't even think about the anniversary of no contact because it will be such a distant memory.

That is my goal, to get to where all this seems like it happened so many years ago that I can't even remember most of it. Like it was just a blip on my radar screen.

When I need to get tough I read your threads. I can sometimes be too wimpy for my own good. ::) After I read, I get my determination back. I can't imagine anything slowing you down, init. ;D

HUGS!
tmt
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on April 28, 2015, 08:14:13 AM: Oh I have my setbacks belive me...stand your ground stay true to you.
try not to let someone walk all over you.
It'will be new for them too..
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: TopsyTurvy on May 18, 2015, 08:37:41 AM: I watched a dramatisation of a true life event in the UK this weekend. 4 years it took to kill his partner....four years of domestic violence. He left her dying for 2 hours before calling an ambulance, he'd even used an ironing board as a weapon.

It's not easy to walk away from at all.

All credit to you In It, you're a survivor - I never thought I'd forgive infidelity and didn't understand those that put up with DV - I understand it now, but you have to get out quick before they suck you in.

2 years NC worth every minute not to go through DV any longer.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 18, 2015, 08:45:00 PM: Thanks TT

It's funny the question behind it is usually

Why does she stay..

When it really should be

Why does he abuse

I felt like I was doing something wrong and if I could just be more of whatever he wanted me to be it would stop and then we could be happy.

Then the kids came along and I stayed because of them and wouldn't call the cops because I didn't want him to lose his job.

I went back every single time - but once. That time he begged and hounded me so much I agreed to try again...the violence only escalates. It was years between incidents and he never did it in front of the kids.

I was raised in a home with domestic violence.

This last time with the information I had. Then him being violent with someone else besides me AND the fact that he stated he wasn't going to work anymore ( this was before the incident) When the incident happened? And I visited a hospital emergency room for ex-rays? ALL BETS WERE OFF.

I'll never trust or believe anything he ever has to say or does again. Nothing he can do can reapair the damage. I can't ever have contact with him or his mother again..no matter what happens. I don't think either of them had the "bigger picture" in mind.

I don't know what will happen to this guy in the UK? But he ought to be beaten the same way she was. Over four years.

No contact for most of you dealing with infidelity is to PROTECT yourself from their relentless verbal and emotional abuse and the pain it causes you.

Honor, respect, and love yourself more than to put up with their attempts at controlling your emotions and their disrespect.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: TopsyTurvy on May 19, 2015, 12:31:29 AM: Init, you are one amazing person to survive all you have.

As for the 'low-life' in the story, he got 15 years raised to 20 yrs for using the ironing board. I don't know what happened to their child, but he never raised a hand to her. As in your case, she went back time and again for the DV to escalate, he hounded her at times to take him back. I think in the end she just gave up, people were telling her he'd never let her go.

DV is taken really seriously here in the UK, but it needs the victim to make statements and go to court, time and again they don't (I understand that, but it is very sad). My H is a police officer and they always make a DV call a priority, but the officers do find it frustrating going to the same properties and not being able to prosecute.

You're in a much better place now and stronger for it, such a shame it has to happen in the first place.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 19, 2015, 04:32:16 AM: I don't know how "amazing" I am . Looking back on all of it I feel pretty stupid. And people have had worse things happen.

And the abused are part of the cycle and techincally as sick as the abuser. Especially if you think you can change them, get it right, make them happy, equate what they do or say as love or anything else that's healthy.

The people telling her he would never let her go did a lot more damage than they realize.

I've had a couple of people say " What are you going to do when he wants you back?"

Uhhhh in that case I think "no" is a complete sentance. My silence says it best.

This woman needed people to support her and tell her to let him go and stay away from him. It's hard to say if she would have listened to them. His abuse of her didn't start with him killing her.

I don't think I ever really loved the ex..more times than not I just felt sorry for him. Not anymore.

I wasn't an angel, but no one deserves to have someone put their hands on them in anger. And I now know I deserve better than that.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: TopsyTurvy on May 19, 2015, 09:11:47 AM: Absolutely agree, there is no reason to abuse another person whether its man to woman, woman to man or between the two sexes.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 22, 2015, 06:39:56 PM: I've heard this song played quite a bit lately.

Can anyone else relate to these lyrics?

If so, give yourself some peace and freedom this Memorial Day Weekend go no contact and end the GAMES!

You know the one where you call
But you act like you never called me

When you see me at a bar
and you act like you never saw me

When you're dancing with him
and you're looking at me

Or I'm holding her, and I'm hoping you see
Or the one where you don't kiss me

Then you tell me that you miss me

All of these games, we play
I can't even keep 'em all straight
Do we mean what we say
We got lines crossed all over the place, yeah

I can't tell if I'm winning or losing
Somebody tell me what are we doing?
Nobody ever comes out on top
Tell me are we ever gonna stop
Playing these games

The one where you act all surprised
Like you didn't know I'd be at the party

The way you make sure it gets back to me
That you got with somebody

The way you wake up, say it was just a mistake
But you always leave something over at my place
So I gotta bring it back

Now baby why you gotta be like that

All of these games, we play
I can't even keep 'em all straight
Do we mean what we say
We got lines crossed all over the place, yeah

I can't tell if I'm winning or losing
Somebody tell me what are we doing?
Nobody ever comes out on top
Tell me are we ever gonna stop
Playing these games

This break-up, make-up,hot and cold thing got me dizzy
You don't want me til I got somebody with me
It's gonna kill me
Baby tell me, what am I supposed to do with you

And all of these games, we play
I can't even keep 'em all straight
Do we mean what we say
We got lines crossed all over the place, yeah

I can't tell if I'm winning or losing
Somebody tell me what are we doing?
Nobody ever comes out on top
Tell me are we ever gonna stop
Playing these games
All of these games..
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on May 23, 2015, 09:09:13 AM: There comes a point when no contact is really the best thing you can do. Much of what they do is emotional abuse. Maybe they aren't able to stop it or aren't aware of what they are doing. That's a possibility I guess but I personally think mine knows exactly what he's doing and has enjoyed every minute of it. But either way the abuse has to stop.

The only way I found is to go no contact. It fully takes me away and out of the picture so no more emotional abuse. It does I guess make a return and paving the way and all that a no go, but for me, I'm at a point where my emotional health is way more important to me than caring whether h will change and come through this.

Put yourself first and do what is best for you.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on May 23, 2015, 10:55:59 AM: Yes TMT,

Go NC, if the MLC’er truly wants to come back they will find a way, touch n go, random contacts, turning up on our door step.

NC gives us a chance to maintain our metal stability and take control of our healing process.

Funny though, I am NC with xW and I’m pretty sure she is mirroring my behaviour, so I hold out no hope of any sort of relationship with her in the future. If I was more amenable towards her I’m sure she would try to take control of that, so no, NC stays in place for me.

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on May 23, 2015, 11:21:26 AM: Lanza I have that same thing going on. I believe h is mirroring me also. I believe that's why the divorce came into play because I told him to leave and that I was done. He asked if we could still see each other and I said NO. It's over time to go our separate ways.

I knew while he was home and even a couple of months before that he was mirroring me. The problem was he was still lying and cheating and being a jerk (yeah he only mirrored what he wanted to lol) so I had to end it. I knew it would send him far away. I didn't realize he'd file but I'm even ok with that now for the most part. I just wish the divorce was already done.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 23, 2015, 12:50:58 PM: I really think if there's ever any LBs that's interested in getting back together this may be the only way to prevent anymore emotional damage..a whole lot less to get passed if you draw the line and say No More!!!

You have to figure out a way to get them to shut their mouths.....have their calls go to voicemail. .flag email as spam...reassign their texts a different sound and do not read them
.WHATEVER you have to do.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: ruggedendurance on May 23, 2015, 12:57:01 PM: Quote from: in it on May 23, 2015, 12:50:58 PM
I really think if there's ever any LBs that's interested in getting back together this may be the only way to prevent anymore emotional damage..a whole lot less to get passed if you draw the line and say No More!!!

You have to figure out a way to get them to shut their mouths.....have their calls go to voicemail. .flag email as spam...reassign their texts a different sound and do not read them
.WHATEVER you have to do.

I agree with every word. I haven't seen or talked to xw in 2 1/2yrs. If I she would have been a clinger? I would have been busy putting distance between her and I.

Since I have had zero contact......... I've been able to work through all of this at my own pace. NC is a Godsend.

I never worry if she is going to contact me or not. It is totally up to her. I'm fine with myself. I have made peace with all of this misery.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 23, 2015, 01:03:12 PM: Thats the destination RE ..peace..it takes practice right now for me to maintain it..I'm
weeding out the negative people..the body count is at 8 for nc.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Lanzo on May 23, 2015, 01:58:59 PM: Quote from: ruggedendurance
NC is a Godsend.

Hallelujah !!!!

Lanzo
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 23, 2015, 05:22:22 PM: ;D :) ;D >:( ;D
Yup currently I'm sitting near a.beautiful lake with a big drink waiting for a band to set up and plan on dancing my ass off!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on May 26, 2015, 06:31:20 PM: Many people misunderstand the point of the "no contact" concept, unfortunately and like to imagine that it is some sort of magic trick that will convince a former partner to run back to them.

It is actually about giving both parties in a troubled relationship time and space to figure out how they really feel about each other and what life is like without dealing with all the emotions and confusion of seeing one another and spending time together.

The reason it sometimes works in bringing people back together is that the time apart allows each of them to find out how much they miss one another and gives them time for hurt feelings, anger and old wounds to do some healing before seeing one another again.

On the other hand, if the relationship really isn't working out for one or both people, time apart can also allow them the opportunity to take a careful look at themselves and what they want and decide that they are happier moving on and leaving the relationship behind.

It can work either way and there is no guarantee of what the outcome will be
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 02, 2015, 10:59:30 AM: Found Online

How can we keep ourselves and our loved ones safe from our abusive parents, siblings, or other relatives? After we have tried rebuking, confronting, reasoning, pleading, and setting limits for years- only to find that nothing works with abusers- what choice is left? And after we disown our abusers, or THEY disown US for setting limits on their behavior, how can we stay safe from their drama, schemes, manipulations, and attempts to draw us back in?

If you have not yet gone No Contact- or have only just recently done so- then some of these measures will no doubt seem extreme to you at this point in time. Your estranged family might not have tried yet to get to you and re-establish their control over your life using these tactics, but eventually they will start. And then, not only will you see the logic in putting up impermeable walls, but you will be prepared to do so and not be caught off-guard.

As always, what I write is my own opinion based on my personal experiences with abusers and their targets, and not intended to substitute for counseling with a qualified professional. I urge you to seek counseling with your pastor or a licensed therapist who specializes in the field of abuse before making any decisions regarding your individual situation.

So, what exactly does it mean to “cut ties” with reprobate, sociopathic abusers?:

TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

1.   No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.
2.   No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out."
3.   No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.
4.   No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust not to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Use Caller ID or let your machine pick up.
5.   No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their e-mails, IMs, and ability to see when you are online.
6.   No meetings to "talk things over" or "work things out."
7.   No cards or letters, and No responding to cards or letters. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No Mother's Day or Father's Day cards.
8.   No giving gifts and No accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, No acknowledging it and No responding.
9.   No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.
10.   No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a response. He will interpret it to mean that you are still emotionally connected to him, you still care, and if he keeps trying, he can wear you down. Just ignore all communications.
11.   No visits, including hospital visits.
12.   No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Monitor your children's e-mails and cell phones, changing e-mail accounts and phone numbers if necessary. Warn your children to stay away from them, and to run and tell a teacher if they show up at their school. Notify your children's school to call you and the police.
13.   No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place, ignore them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud voice, "Leave me alone!" and "Do not talk to me." If they persist or you believe you are being stalked, call the police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of.
14.   No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.
15.   No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information or spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not loyal to you.
16.   No listening to any news about them. If you are absolutely dying of curiosity, listen, but do not show any undue interest, do not get baited into responding, and do not reveal any information about yourself in return.
17.   No giving other people information about you or your family that they could carry back to your abuser.
18.   No invitations to your big events and No responding to invitations they send you.
19.   No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead.
20.   No big announcements and No telling them anything about your life- No letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work, or go to school, or when your grandkids are born.
21.   Print out e-mails, tape voicemail messages, and keep all cards, letters, and other communications in a file for future harassment or stalking charges, but do not respond.

No Contact means NO Contact. Nothing! Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if your ex-abusers were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is not possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or a funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret any willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is The End. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That is why you’ve reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It's over. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, then you won't feel the need to.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on June 02, 2015, 11:13:46 AM: Thanks in it. As someone who is done and has been emotionally beaten up through this I learned that this is exactly what you must do to move on, to heal.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 02, 2015, 08:22:45 PM: You are welcome TMT

After first BD I could not imagine doing this..I insisted I could deal with him and it was the only way to keep the family together to keep in contact with him. I was wrong.

I realized there was going to be pain either way and I was bound and determined to stay on the path that ultimately brought way more pain that just cutting all contact with him.

I was so afraid to not have contact with him. It was the fear that kept me in contact with him.

Love yourself more than this. Leave them to whatever their problem is and heal yourself.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: ruggedendurance on June 02, 2015, 08:27:55 PM: TMT,

The first part of healing is to get out of the blender that is tearing you apart.

To go completely dark is a necessity in many of these cases.. to be a lighthouse and an anchor is just fine if you yourself aren't sinking into the abyss...

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

The rest of the world will have to take care of itself!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 02, 2015, 09:04:20 PM: Yep- stop breaking your own heart.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on June 03, 2015, 01:34:02 PM: You are right about the fear. That was the biggest thing that held me back. I mean, this crap had to be shoved in my face hard enough to get pissed enough to not be afraid anymore.

Whether you standing, not standing, contact, or no contact you have to learn to let go of the fear. That's when you really start making decisions for yourself.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 03, 2015, 03:53:35 PM: Exactly..fear can paralyze you or motivate you.

It takes great courage in the choice...You have that kind of courage TMT. Anger is a form of fear but can turned into the positive which may be determination.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 06, 2015, 04:36:45 PM: Bump
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 13, 2015, 03:52:11 AM: Bringing this back up for Green Apple
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on June 29, 2015, 07:33:57 AM: bump
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on July 08, 2015, 05:16:29 AM: Found online:

No Contact

Definition

No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

Description

There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse.

Going No Contact (NC) is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior.

Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better".

Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.

People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) about it:

Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life.

They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step.

Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak.

Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to hoovering by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended.

People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance".

One of our Administrators Aames described No Contact like this on this thread in our support forum

The greater part of NC is exercising our right NOT to be damaged by another person's words, moods or actions. It keeps us out of harm's way. It relieves us from the (often self-imposed) responsibility of carrying the other person's baggage.

It isn't about punishing them, but protecting, even nurturing, ourselves.

NC in the short term, can give us the distance from a situation or relationship that we require to gain perspective, and the time to examine our own role or reactions as well as how we feel about the other person and whether we can resolve a conflict, or if we even want to. It creates the space we need to heal, forgive (ourselves and others) if necessary, learn from the experience and either resume the relationship in order to take it in a new direction, or, if the circumstances and our feelings about them direct - leave it behind, for the betterment of both parties.

NC in the long term, isn't necessarily rooted in holding a grudge (though it can be sometimes, of course) - but rather, as part of our own decision to move on and leave behind the damaging people and experiences of our lives while we work towards more healthful relationships and living.

When is it appropriate to go No Contact?

When a person has used a threat or an act of violence against you, your children or themselves.
When there is a history or track record of verbal or emotional abuse directed towards you.
When abuse is recurring or habitual or your boundaries are consistently disregarded.
When the person who is hurting you is capable of taking care of themselves (not a child or dependent).
When you have thought it through and decided this is the best solution for all concerned.
When you are able to let go of any desire to change or fix the other person.
When you are ready to work on yourself and become the best that YOU can be.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on July 09, 2015, 07:23:11 AM: WOW. That really nails it.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on July 11, 2015, 10:27:01 PM: Discipline The Key To No Contact

Willpower, determination, stick-to-itiveness, resolve, whatever you want to call it – discipline is the difference between success and giving in. For me, discipline is self–accountability. It’s an internal standards meter that propels you forward, when your body, mind, or emotions are all signaling, it’s time to give up.

By far, the question I get asked the most is, ‘How do I let go? How do I walk away? I know this is killing me, but I can’t stop.’ My answer is always the same.

There has to be a breaking point – that point where you say, ‘I deserve more than this.’ It’s a cup of pride and 8 cups of discipline. If you’re not used to delaying immediate gratification then this may be very difficult for you, but it is something you can learn.

We’ve all been in relationships and given in dozens of times – it feels good for a short while, but then it feels much, much worse and then we start thinking about ending it again. Making the final break usually comes once you’ve been on that break-up-give-in cycle a few times. That cycle teaches you that absolutely nothing is going to change, and you’ll continue to sing the same song, and feeling those same feelings, as long as you continue to give in.

You can make yourself nuts if you allow yourself to dwell on what they’re doing, who they’re doing it with and you give into the hurt and you just wallow in your misery. You can spend all your time pining and waiting for their next contact, that’s certainly your choice. It’s not a healthy choice, but it is your decision and no one is going to stop you. The one thing you have to understand is that no one can, or will, pull you off of this cycle, or dig you out of the misery hole – only you can do that.

The most difficult part about ending an unhealthy relationship isn’t making the decision to end it. The hard part is sticking to that decision, when everything inside you wants the opposite. I can remember when I would break up with my boomerang narcissist after catching him out with another girl. The pattern was always the same – I’d freak out, tell him off, and I would be determined to end it. It would last for a while, but then days would go by, and I wouldn’t hear from him, then a week, then another week and my resolve would start to crumble. I’d start to think about how much fun he was having with this other girl, that he was sleeping with her, that she was better than me, that he’d moved on so quickly and forgotten all about me, that I meant nothing to him….and on and on it would go until I would finally get that text, “We need to talk.”

Suddenly, I would get so overcome with relief that I didn’t care what he had done, or even why he’d done it. All I cared about was that he was back. The truth is, he was spending all that time away from me – with her and the only reason he was back, was because she figured out his game long before I did, and she kicked him to the curb. I would never admit that to myself though. I would always tell myself that he was really missing me and realized that I was the one he couldn’t live without, only to find out some time later that he was doing the same thing again with the same girl, or a different one.

Holding Your Resolve
When you decide that you want to stick to your decision and finally put an end to it, there are a few things you can do to enhance your chances for success.

Keep your mind occupied on things you want to focus on: Post break-up is a great time to go out with your friends, stay busy, take a class, start going to yoga, catch up on your reading. When you notice your mind going somewhere you don’t want it to – stop it immediately before it takes you all the way to misery town. The one thing we can control for sure is our thoughts – so when yours start to go there, rein them in and keep distracting yourself for as long as you need to.

Identify your triggers: If your eyes start to tear up when that song plays on the radio, you know the one, the one that was playing when he first kissed you, comes on – shut it off. If going to your favourite pub means your thoughts are prone to drift to that time that you two were in the corner over there, and he told you he loved you – then stop going until you’re over it. If walking in the park makes you think of that time he was being so sweet – again, don’t go. Figure out what activities and things try to drag you back there and keep you invested and ditch them at least for a while.

Have a plan ahead of time to deal with weak moments: We are all human and there is going to come a time when we do feel vulnerable. The ups and downs are going to happen, we just have to be prepared. The key is to write down all the possible scenarios and how we would like to react to them. If John texts me I will _______. If John shows up at my door I will _________. If I start to think about the good times I will ____________.

In 1992 a group of Scottish researchers worked with 5 dozen elderly patients trying to rehab after hip or knee surgery. It was important that these patients start moving immediately after surgery, if they didn’t they ran the risk of forming scar tissue which would greatly decrease the mobility of those joints and there would be a higher risk of blood clots forming, but moving was pure agony. They were all given pamphlets on rehabbing the injury. One group was given questions like – when the pain becomes intense I will _______and a blank part where they could fill in their responses and the other group was given the pamphlet without any questions. The research showed that those that had planned for their stumbling blocks and had already developed a coping strategy had a complete recovery and had healed 3 times faster than those who didn’t have a plan.

So this tells us, that if we expect to run into problems and we already know how were going to deal with them, then the better our chances of success.

Role Playing: Once we have a plan written out then we should act it out. Pretend that your doorbell has just rung; open the door and pretend he is there, saying, “John I really don’t want to discuss this anymore. There is nothing that you have to say that I want to hear. I’m asking you to respect my wishes and leave me alone. It’s time we both moved on. If you continue to contact me I will get the police involved. Good-bye.” And shut the door. Practice it a few times until you’ve got in down pat. Then do the same thing if he shows up at your place of employment. How would you react? What would you say? The purpose of this exercise is to make your responses automatic, so there’s no second guessing, no hesitation, no fear and no moments of weakness.

Give Yourself a Reward: Once you’ve set your goal of letting go and going no contact, set up a reward system for yourself. After you’ve gone one week of no contact, buy yourself a new pair of shoes, once two weeks have gone by with no contact, treat yourself to an outing with friends at a nice restaurant. After a month of no contact, treat yourself to a day at the spa…. Once you’re completely over it, then plan something bigger, like maybe a vacation. Setting goals and rewarding yourself for achieving them helps to keep you focused on the task and gives you incentive to stay the course.

The key to walking away from an abusive relationship is exactly the same as ending any other type of addiction. You make the decision to end it and then you follow through with discipline. You can greatly enhance your chances of success by identifying your triggers and creating action plans based on how you plan to react to these triggers when they appear.

Developing self-discipline is really like lifting weights, the more you practice it, the stronger your self-discipline muscle gets and that’s not all, according to Charles Duhigg in The Power of Habit, the stronger your self-discipline muscle gets, the more you will use it in all aspects of your life and pretty soon, you will find yourself meeting and exceeding all of the goals you set in life.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 02, 2015, 07:05:56 PM: Bumped for Beachsand
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 16, 2015, 05:49:26 AM: From the Healing Heart website:

--------------------------

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now.

You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what.

So you have to be genuine when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want.

When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also).

REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

IMHO Use these techniques ONLY until the pain frustration becomes unbearable or it effects your health to the adverse (stress) then go total NC if possible.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MsT on August 16, 2015, 11:34:53 AM: Thanks, in it. Here's to a nice cold glass of NC forever.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 16, 2015, 01:29:44 PM: Cheers MsT.( GLASSES CLINK) .

Stay away from the crazy...well THAT kind of crazy anyway.. ::)
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 24, 2015, 05:02:54 PM: Bump
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 27, 2015, 08:18:21 PM: Just a reminder..

It's not beneath these MLcer's to RECORD phone conversations or record you in person. It's very easy with mobile phones.

Give them nothing they can use to try to prove you are the one who is unstable.

It happened to me.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Ready2Transform on August 27, 2015, 08:48:10 PM: Depending on what state you live in here in the USA, that can be a felony.

http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations

Quote
Eleven states require the consent of every party to a phone call or conversation in order to make the recording lawful. These "two-party consent" laws have been adopted in California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 27, 2015, 09:07:59 PM: Thanks for that info Ready2

My state isn't on the list. But I got him back good. Well.. actually... he did it to himself.

The left 15 messages on a friend's (whom I was staying with at the time) answering machine. ;D ;D

He provoked then recorded me the day of the DV incident at his house when I was leaving.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 30, 2015, 08:51:28 PM: Bump for Black Hen
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MsT on August 31, 2015, 03:09:54 AM: Note to self: don't answer phone.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on August 31, 2015, 04:04:18 AM: Yep. It goes both ways. That's the tough part. A ringing phone does not have to be answered.
After 1st BD when the ex would call ( and he called a lot) it would send the oldest and I into a tailspin. I had a landline then.
It got so bad I actually changed the ringer tone on the phone.
I answered every. friggin. time.
When I posted here about what I was going through with him. 2 hours conversations that essentially went NO WHERE etc.
Some would respond to that posting "He's not done with you yet".
Well I'm done with him and the only way they are going to get that message is YOU have to stop talking to HIM.
Besides giving them a mixed message.. it isn't good for your mental health.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 02, 2015, 10:21:23 PM: Well in 8 more days and 5 years divorced and 2 years of total NC. I firetrucked up for three years d!cking around with the ex.

No more listening to the abusive disgusting things he used to say to me. So he could listen to me cry.

No more feeling "sorry" for him. Or trying to be understanding, polite or kind.

No trying to make him feel loved, needed, or wanted. I must have had something seriously wrong with me at some point in time. :o

He destroys the family and I'm being kind to him??..I must have been nuts to think he's see the value in having a family.

No more wondering if I'll walk out of a restaurant and he'll be sitting at the curb. No more bull$h!te emails and "We'll talk" messages. Keeping me right where he wanted me.

Just waiting for the day when he'd wake up and smell the coffee.

Maybe it would be the next conversation we'd have..maybe it would be next week..maybe... maybe.... maybe..Oh I wonder if he's thinking of me..oh I wish I had done something differently...Oh! he put 'we" in an email..that MUST MEAN SOMETHING! Stringing me along like a pro. Driving me nuts >:(

firetruck that.

Until I finally ended it.

No more of him just walking into where I work like it was ok to do that. No more pulling into my driveway unexpected.

If there's an OW/OM in the picture anybody ought to love themselves enough to not talk to them. They are not worth the pain or the time.

I have no idea if the ex has another ow and I could give a firetruck less.

It isn't giving up- it's knowing when you have had ENOUGH.

Enough of his anger
Enough of his rage
Enough of his issues (whatever they are) I wasn't put on the planet to fit into them. I'm not going to analyze him..too much of a waste of my time.

No more drama, nor more games, no more bull$h!te.

I don't give a $h!te. I don't take any $h!te. I am not in the $h!te business.

No more ABUSE. Or disrespect.

What is allowed continues. Take your power back and heal.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Wildfire on September 05, 2015, 10:07:43 AM: I stumbled across this blog (House of Mirrors) and am posting it here in case it is of any use/help to others.

It is the real-life experiences of a woman who grew up in a narcissistic home. Her posts are easy-to-read and down-to earth. She seems to have a lot of awareness about herself, her family members, and NPD. She shows great insights into what it is like to deal with someone with NPD.

I found this particular post (How to Cause Narcissistic Injury Without Even Trying) really informative and eye opening:

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-to-cause-narcissistic-injury.html
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 05, 2015, 12:17:51 PM: It's an excellent resource ..thanks WF!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Blackhen on September 05, 2015, 03:36:41 PM: I've put "I am not in the $h!te business!" on my rah rah board next to my latest inspirational quote. It's from Mad Men - the character who said it is in early MLC and in denial about his past and about to come unravelled by it, and he's addressing another character who will undoubtedly become unravelled by trying to deny hers, but it also spoke to me about moving on being a choice. A "cuts both ways" kinda reminder, if you like!

He said:
"Get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened."

;D

Congrats on your two years of NC, In it!
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 05, 2015, 04:03:21 PM: Thanks BH I was in that abusive cycle for so long and I didn't even see it!
The single most hardest thing for me with NC was not getting ahold of him on the phone and blast him.. thats' what they feed on is our pain. So if they don't get that feed you win!

I really felt unsatified just typing and venting on here..but it did help!

NC has been the hardest thing I ever did in the ex's case. Not because I miss him "oh so much" or give a $h!te what's going on with him.

I only know if I do make contact (or did) it will invalidate the DV incident.

I know a lot of people here think I'm angry and bitter. Towards the ex..maybe. But towards men in general?
I realize what I want and need now.

And if I ever meet some one who I might be interested in again ( and he's interested in me?)

But then won't respect or listen to me, share things with me, care about me, express some concern for me, show some compassion for me, and he takes himself too seriously? AND HAS TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.

He'll get dumped so fast his head will spin.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 09, 2015, 06:59:01 AM: For kbutter
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 11, 2015, 09:10:15 AM: 2 plus years of NC and 5 years divorced as of today.

Step away from the confusion, the drama, and games.

NC will heal you. Breathe. It's going to be ok.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Thunder on September 11, 2015, 09:18:45 AM: In It,

I did that. My first H was a womanizer and very into himself. I was NEVER first in his book.

After the D I started dating but made up my mind if I was going to have another relationship it would never be with someone who didn't put me first. I broke up with 2 different men because they put themselves first, above me. Just like that! Snap! They were gone!

Sorry this wasn't about NC but what you said made me remember. Don't ever let someone put you 2nd.

Ok, back to NC. ;D
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 11, 2015, 09:37:20 AM: ;D ;D

That's OK T Everything we post helps us get to know ourselves a little better.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 25, 2015, 05:41:00 PM: Found online:

Nothing will help you heal quicker after a divorce than putting in place the, “no contact rule.” The easiest way to get over someone is to remove that someone from your life. No contact is especially helpful if there is a lot of anger or the divorce was full of conflict.

And, before you say, “But I have children” let me stop you. Just because you have children with someone doesn’t mean you have to have constant contact with that person.

You can work around the issues that come up with children and your ex with limited contact. I’ve done it!

What is the “no contact rule?”

No contact is a set of guidelines you follow that will quickly get you to a point of peace and serenity and viewing your ex as part of your past, not your present. Essentially, you refuse any and all contact when possible.

If you don’t have children this is a simple process. It entails breaking bad habits and self-control. And, faith in yourself to get past the relationship and on with your life.

1. If you hear a song that reminds you of him, don’t call and tell him about it.

2. If you heard she is dating someone new and you want to click her Facebook profile for more information, DON’T!

3. You thought of a funny joke that will crack him up, text it to someone else, NOT him.

No contact means, no contact. Follow the rules below:

1. Unfriend them on Facebook.

2. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram.

3. Delete them from you cell phone contacts.

4. Removing their email address from you contact list and NEVER respond to an email from them (unless it relates to the children)

5. If you run into them in a public place, nod and move on.

Any channel you previously used to communicate with your ex is now off limits. It won’t be easy on those lonely nights at home by yourself. The temptation to reach out will seem overwhelming but, if healing emotionally is a main concern, you will play by the no contact rules.

Modified “no contact rules” for parents:

1. Have a good parenting plan in place and live by it. No negotiating the terms of the parenting plan! Doing so means more need for contact and that defeats the purpose.

2. Only communicate about children’s issues via email. Use a court approved email system so you have evidence with the court of every email exchange. Respond to emails with “yes” and “no” answers. Do not engage in arguments or attempt to defend your position via email. If she wants the children during your weekend visitation, simply reply, “No, I will pick the children up at the scheduled time.” Then ignore further emails about the situation.

3. Don’t go to events you know your ex will be attending also. If there is maximum conflict have it put in the parenting plan that you two swap dates for attending your children’s functions. It is, of course, best to put on a good front for your children but if your ex is irrational this may be an impossibility.

4. If it is visitation weekend with the non-custodial parent you don’t need to see or communicate with your ex. Pack your children’s bags, put them by the door and kiss them on the way out. No need to walk them to the car, peak your head out the door for a look see or, show yourself in anyway. I went a two year period without seeing my ex even though we was picking our younger son up every other weekend for visitation. My son got time with his Dad and I experienced the peace of mind that came along without contact with my ex.

Parents with small children can find a work-around and, in some instances, two angry parents not talking to each other can be the best thing for the children.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 26, 2015, 06:11:31 AM: From Out of the Fog:

No Contact

Definition

No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

Description

There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse.

Going No Contact (NC) is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior.

Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better".

Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.

People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) about it:

Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life.

They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step.

Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak.

Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to hoovering by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended.

People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance".

The greater part of NC is exercising our right NOT to be damaged by another person's words, moods or actions. It keeps us out of harm's way. It relieves us from the (often self-imposed) responsibility of carrying the other person's baggage.

It isn't about punishing them, but protecting, even nurturing, ourselves.

NC in the short term, can give us the distance from a situation or relationship that we require to gain perspective, and the time to examine our own role or reactions as well as how we feel about the other person and whether we can resolve a conflict, or if we even want to. It creates the space we need to heal, forgive (ourselves and others) if necessary, learn from the experience and either resume the relationship in order to take it in a new direction, or, if the circumstances and our feelings about them direct - leave it behind, for the betterment of both parties.

NC in the long term, isn't necessarily rooted in holding a grudge (though it can be sometimes, of course) - but rather, as part of our own decision to move on and leave behind the damaging people and experiences of our lives while we work towards more healthful relationships and living.

When is it appropriate to go No Contact?

When a person has used a threat or an act of violence against you, your children or themselves.
When there is a history or track record of verbal or emotional abuse directed towards you.
When abuse is recurring or habitual or your boundaries are consistently disregarded.
When the person who is hurting you is capable of taking care of themselves (not a child or dependent).
When you have thought it through and decided this is the best solution for all concerned.
When you are able to let go of any desire to change or fix the other person.
When you are ready to work on yourself and become the best that YOU can be.

When is it inappropriate to go No Contact?

When you want to teach the other person a lesson
When you are reacting impulsively in anger over a recent event.
When you share children with the other person.
When the person who hurt you is a child or dependent or an adult who is not able to take care of themselves.
When you are bluffing and intend to go back.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 29, 2015, 06:48:58 AM: Mlcers are trying to keep you in a toxic relationship. Found online:

Walking away is hard. Why? Because, let’s be real here, being alone is a scary proposition for most people. Even the most cloistered introvert longs for human interaction, affection, and contact sometimes. But when a relationship turns toxic, especially if you have kids in the mix, the best thing you can do for you is get out. Here are 7 reasons why you need to let go of a toxic relationship for your own health, safety, and sanity!

1. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Staying in bad company can actually be more hurtful and harder to bear than being by yourself. When you’re out of the relationship, you can look back and analyze what happened and what warning signs you should have seen coming. This can help you be prepared if the next relationship starts taking the same turns, so you can either correct it or get out before you become utterly miserable.

This is especially difficult when the toxic party in the relationship is a family member, such as a parent, sibling, or close relation. However, the same basic principles apply. Toxic people tend to stay toxic, but there’s no good reason for you to put up with it. If they want to be miserable, that’s their choice and their problem. You deserve to be happy, even if that means cutting them out of the equation of your life.

2. Holding onto a toxic relationship prevents personal growth.
One of the key signs of a toxic relationship is one party always heaping blame on the other. “You didn’t/You should have/Why did you…?” is an oft-heard refrain. This kind of constant browbeating prevents personal growth because it makes the person on the receiving end feel smaller and like their opinion and feelings don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to a stifling of personal growth, or even reversion back to older, less sophisticated forms of dealing with stress. A healthy relationship encourages growth and dialogue on both sides.

3. Letting go of a toxic relationship creates room for a healthier one.
Toxic relationships by their very nature push aside other relationships, such as with friends, family, and even co-workers. A toxic relationship is less than a step away from outright abuse, if it isn’t there already. By being willing to let go of a toxic relationship, you are subconsciously telling yourself and the world that you’re ready for something healthier and better with someone who loves and cares for you as much as you do him or her.

4. Toxic relationships often become abusive ones.

I hammer on this point because it’s important: toxic relationships don’t have far to fall to become psychologically, emotionally, physically, or even sexually abusive. Especially if you have kids, you owe it to them to show them what an open, loving, caring relationship can be. Your children are going to follow your example, and if they see Mommy or Daddy staying with someone who constantly says she or he’s worthless or strikes him or her, your kids are going to fall into the same trap as adults. Brazening it out is your right as an adult, but you need to bear in mind that if your partner is willing to strike or emotionally hurt you, it’s likely only a matter of time before they start doing the same thing to your children because your partner doesn’t think you have the courage to stand up to them or leave.

5. Walking away from a toxic relationship shows personal strength.

“You couldn’t last one day without me.” “If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.” “You made me do that, you know.” All of these are flat-out lies, told by a toxic partner because your partner is trying to convince you it’s true precisely so you don’t walk out. Do not believe the lies or the hype here. Walking away shows personal strength and the courage to stand on your own two feet, without someone else rubber-stamping your daily activities or life.

6. A toxic relationship is unhealthy.

Toxic relationships lead to social and emotional isolation. They can also cause anxiety, depression, physical illness, or even lead to suicidal thoughts and actions. This ignores entirely the possible emotional and physical harm an abusive partner can perpetrate on you. You’d be surprised just how cheap walking away is compared to therapy and anti-depressants, especially when children are involved.

7. You are worth more than what a toxic relationship can offer.
alone

A toxic relationship is extremely one-sided. It’s all about one person to the exclusion of the other. This can leave you feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. The reality is, you are none of the above. You are your own person, with your own unique value and things to offer the world. Anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so precisely so they can keep you under their thumb. You know you’re worth more, so be worth more. Walking away from a toxic relationship is the first step to finding something beautiful with someone who will love and treasure you because of everything you are, not in spite of it.

No one should ever feel imprisoned in a relationship of any kind where their peace of mind, emotional and physical health, safety, or security is or could be compromised.

You are a unique and beautiful individual with a lot to offer, and you owe it to yourself (and your children, where applicable) to find that special someone who sees and loves you for you, not what they think you should be.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 29, 2015, 06:29:34 PM: Hound Online:

No contact is essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it. You have the upper hand with no contact, Hang on to with dear life.

Establishing, and then sticking to the no contact with a an ex or STB is extremely difficult, at best! However, it has to be done or the viscous cycle of hell you have been in will continue. You probably want answers to many many questions, but you will never get those answers. And if you do, they most certainly will be more lies.

There are so many things you want to say to them, but your words will fall on deaf ears. But you can and will recover! You just have to establish the no contact, and stick with it!! Here are some reasons why the no contact is imperative:

You want to have the last word, you want them to understand the pain they have caused-remember, they don’t feel mental & emotional pain.

You want them to apologize. An apology will do what? Make you feel better for a moment? Remember they are never wrong

You still love them. You are in love with the illusion they created of themself to manipulate you. Understand, they never loved you, they are incapable of love.
You feel sorry for them. This is an easy ploy the Sociopath uses to manipulate you back in. Do they feel any remorse or sorrow for the destruction they caused you? Absolutely not! Remember, they are without consciousness.
You want answers & accountability for things they said and did to you during the relationship. A sociopath is not going to take accountability for anything! Even if you have positive proof of their lies and deceit.!
You want to know how they could walk away so easily. They can do this because they are hollow, soulless individuals.

Sociopaths destroy us piece by piece. By not allowing contact you will be able to start putting the pieces back together.

You want to see how (or with whom) they moved on-if you have them as a friend on Facebook-BLOCK them immediately! If you snap-chat, block them. Block them on your phone. Any means of contact you have had with your Narcissist Sociopath you need to remove and/or block. All you will be doing is causing yourself more pain.

It does not matter who they moved on to next, they don’t care what is happening with you, so give them the same lack of respect! And just know, it will be only a matter of time before their next victim realizes who and what they are. Let that give you some peace.

You will find yourself, early on in the no contact stage fighting many emotions. You will have an overwhelming urge to contact your Ex, and then that feeling will subside followed by anger, then more questions and so on. This is completely normal! The end of a relationship is like a death, it has to be grieved. It is a death of your future together with that person, a death of the love you had for them. And during grief you are on a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes hourly! But remember, during the no contact you will start to see things more clearly……the manipulation spell you have been under starts to dissipate.

If you feel like you just have to contact your Ex, compose an email and save it to drafts, DO NOT SEND IT. {I will have a post about establishing boundaries if you have to have contact because of children and/or other situations that bind you to the sociopath}.

It does help to get your words out, however getting those words out to the Ex does nothing except give them control again. If you want to text because you ‘miss them’, or want to know ‘how they are’….again, you are giving back control!

They have your number, and your email, IF, big IF they wanted to contact you~they would. But sociopaths do not work in reverse….they are constantly moving forward looking for the next source of supply. Be the one that end’s the supply source from you!

You are a strong person! And you can do this! You may have to establish the no contact multiple times because you are just crawling yourself out of hell. And it’s ok! Each day that goes by is another day YOU are healing. The scars will forever remain, the pain however will eventually lessen. You may be starting your life completely over, and we all have fear of the unknown…try not looking past today (or tomorrow).

The Future Happens One Day At A Time
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on September 30, 2015, 06:09:11 AM: 10 Steps to Speed Recovery from a Divorce or Breakup

by RELATIONSHIP COACH RINATTA PARIES on APRIL 5, 2012
in ARTICLES, BREAK-UPS AND DIVORCE, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIPS

3
Divorce can be a devastating ordeal, and recovering can be a difficult, treacherous road. Sometimes people don’t recover at all. Others, although appearing to be past their divorce, still carry the pain of it and the fear of getting close to a partner again.

A breakup of a non marital relationship can be just as devastating. The pain can be intense even if the relationship did not last a long time.

Here are 10 steps to help you recover from a divorce or breakup, plus an opportunity to work on your own recovery, faster, right now! These steps will show you how to start to heal deeply, get your life back on track, re-create your life and your relationships to be far more fulfilling than before the breakup and start on a bright relationship future for yourself.

1. Grieve deeply and completely.

Many times people are terrified of their dark feelings, such as sadness, depression, anger, etc. The intensity of these feelings can seem strong enough to take hold of your soul completely. But you need to know that although these feelings are indeed strong, they will not last forever. Nor will feeling these feelings in some way damage you or destroy you. You will feel better once you allow yourself to feel.

On the other hand, if you do not feel the dark feelings arising in you as a result of the breakup, they will last forever and will deeply affect your life and future relationships.

Go ahead and feel your feelings. Feel the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the confusion. Avoid going into your head and obsessing instead of feeling. Avoid overeating or using other addictions to escape your feelings.

This is your dark night of the soul, the time to dip into your feelings. Feel your feelings now, and you will be free to move on with your life post-divorce or post-breakup.

2. Grieve for the future of your marriage/relationship, which now will never be.

When people come together in a commitment, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not simple to let go of, because we use dreams and hopes to guide us to our future. Look into what dreams and hopes you had created for your relationship. Then separately grieve for each one. Know that your dreams and hopes are not dead. You will re-create them again with someone else, or even alone.

3. Spend time with people who will listen to your feelings with love and acceptance.

When recovering from breakup or any devastating loss, it is critical for you to be allowed to speak your mind as much and as often as you need to. Many people are not comfortable listening to others’ dark emotions.

Listening to someone else’s anger, fear, or grief often makes us afraid that their emotions will overtake us. This is why seemingly loving, caring people often try to “fix” us when we share our painful feelings. It is important that you are not interrupted or given advice – sharing your feelings is how you will heal.

4. Understand what happened in your relationship/marriage.

In order for you to be able to come to terms with the breakup and to move on to create a wonderful life, you need to understand what happened. This is the part of your journey in which you will have to be extremely honest with yourself. It will do you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you and your partner created together. You need to clearly trace the events that led to the animosity or the cooling off in the relationship.

You will have to find your part in what happened to the marriage or the relationship. You will have to look back and recognize the signs that your relationship was headed for trouble. You will have to look back and look for critical decision points for both you and your partner, at which another road could have been taken that might have led to a different outcome.

This introspection is not for the purpose of blaming yourself. It is for the purpose of returning your power to you. You are not a victim, and seeing yourself as such will only cause you more pain. When you see how you contributed to the demise of your relationship, you will begin to heal from the current breakup and gain insight that will save your next relationship.

5. Understand why you chose your former partner.

People choose relationships for many different reasons and call it being “in love.” But what many consider to be love has nothing to do with love at all. Here are few of the reasons people choose each other:

Deep need to be wanted, or wanting someone to make you feel good, loved, adored, etc.
Lifelong struggle to meet someone like his/her parents and save them or change them so as to heal childhood pain
Fear of being alone
Infatuation or chemistry, attraction
Security, support, etc.
Someone to have a family with
Wanting to stop feeling lonely
None of these reasons are bad in and of themselves; they are just not good enough reasons to end up in a relationship with someone. Why? Because they are not about connecting and having a relationship, they are about meeting your needs. When you choose partners out of need the relationship usually does not work out.

See if one of the primary reasons for getting into the relationship you are now in the middle of ending from is on this list. Which needs were you trying to meet?

If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, you will also start to build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.

6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself.

Now it’s time to forgive. Understand that you and your ex-partner did the best both of you could. Understand that even when you were doing things to hurt each other, it was still the best you could do at the time. Perhaps the painful actions came out of self-defense or self-preservation.

Perhaps they came out of revenge for the pain you felt the other was inflicting. Forgiveness is a sure way to free yourself up to have a wonderful life in the future.

Do not expect forgiveness to come easily, and do not expect yourself to want to forgive. Forgiving your ex-partner is something you may have work on again and again. Forgiveness is an action you will need to take daily, or even many times a day. Think of your ex-partner and forgive, again and again.

7. Create distance between you and your ex- partner. Spend three to six months with no contact.

One thing that is so difficult about breaking up is no longer having another person around, no longer having your best friend and confidant. It is difficult to let go of the everyday interactions and the friendship. And yet, if you are to heal well, you must sustain three to six months of no contact with your former partner (or as little contact as possible in case you have children together). This will give you the opportunity to grieve and work through your anger. It will also allow the relationship between you and your ex-partner to begin again (if at all) on a different footing.

The kind of contact you specifically want to avoid altogether is having your partner meet your needs or you meeting his or her needs. If you are to successfully heal and move on, your ex-partner must cease to be a source of need fulfillment for you.

Think twice about getting your ex to help you with anything or helping him or her. You may feel better temporarily, feel less lonely in knowing there are still feelings between you, but you will feel worse in the aftermath. You will feel the old pangs of attachment and the feelings of loneliness will redouble their strength.

8. Create a supportive community.

You need to be listened to. You need to know that you are wanted and loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community is critical to your recovery. A community can be a religious/spiritual group, an online community, or a group of friends you ask to support you. Make sure your community clearly knows that you need support and how you need to be supported.

9. Resolve to learn everything about you and relationships.

If you are to create a better relationship in the future without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine yourself in regard to relationships. You need to know what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner would be best suited for you, what you absolutely need in order to feel satisfied, and what you absolutely will not accept.

You also need to look at your behavior in past relationships and start looking for what and how you need to change so that your next relationship can be happy, healthy and lifelong.

It is always a good idea to set yourself on a course of relationship education. Relationship skills are not taught in school, and they very much should be. Given that you ended up losing your relationship to breakup or divorce, you most definitely could use more healthy relationship skills. Throw yourself into the study of relationship skills with determination to learn all there is to know, and you will reap the rich reward of an emotionally healthy you and later a healthy, loving relationship.

10. Take great care of yourself in the process.

Divorce or breakup recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves extremely well. A good rule of thumb is to treat yourself as if you have a cold – delegate or reduce your workload, eat well, exercise gently and get lots of rest. To nourish your spirit, add in extras like a massage, taking a creative class, doing activities that you consider fun, reading, going for walks, laughing, etc.

Although recovering from divorce or breakup is not easy, it can be done. Take it gently, one step at a time, but do move yourself forward. You can succeed and come out of the process healed and eventually be ready for a healthy relationship if you follow the above suggestions.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 05, 2015, 03:09:33 AM: Bump for MsT
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 09, 2015, 07:56:15 AM: From the Let Me Reach Website:

A large percentage of people who’ve implemented No Contact with their Narcissistic partner will inevitably ask this question. Why? Because they are often consumed with missing the Narcissist, and they wonder if he or she has the same feelings of loss and sorrow…perhaps wondering if there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship.

The short answer is no. When we wonder if the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our loving, caring feelings onto them. The important thing to remember is that Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions.

They operate solely from ego, so the usual emotions of missing someone or feelings of sadness and regret typically don’t affect them. Below are the most common stages (emotional and physical) a Narcissist goes through when one has implemented No Contact (**These are not listed in order of rank. These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual).

1) Anger – When you’ve implemented No Contact with an emotionally abusive partner, the first thing they feel is anger at your attempt to set a boundary. They’ve been so used to having you under their control that they become indignant when you choose to have an independent thought and act on it. During the relationship, you became an extension of them, so when you begin to break away and reclaim your conscious thought process they typically go into a rage, although this isn’t always obvious. Oftentimes they’ll conceal the rage in order to fulfill ulterior revenge motives.

2) Silent Treatment – In the Narcissist’s mind, you are still their property and they believe it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses. Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment. This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them. Then, when the victim doesn’t receive any form of contact from the Narcissist, they begin to think the break-up may possibly have been their fault, after all. In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message. Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the N then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them.

3) Hoovering – Hoovering presents in many forms. Mostly, it’s the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because they’ve had a “life-changing” epiphany where, through some kind of divine intervention, they’ve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change. Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist:

Scenario: The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later. You crack the door and he tells you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else. He may manage to squeeze out a tear or two. He tells you he hasn’t been perfect, but he is willing to try and change for the sake of the relationship.

Your internal dialogue: “He must really care about me. He’s finally seen the error of his ways, and he’s obviously sorry for the way he’s treated me all this time. Thank goodness. This is great! I forgive him and love him more than ever.” You open the door and throw your arms around him.

His internal dialogue: “Damn. Those flowers were friggin’ expensive. Why am I doing all this hard work? Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such. I guess I’m getting off pretty cheaply here. I can’t believe she’s falling for this…again. But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing.” He forces a smile and returns the hug, which doesn’t seem as genuine as yours.

4) The “Torn” Lover – He’s already shacked up with a new mistress, whom he says he just met, but in reality has been seeing for the past few months behind your back. He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he unsuspectedly fell into the arms of a new lover. But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work.

The scoop: What’s happened is he found out the new lover doesn’t have as much money as he thought, only works part-time at the local Wal-Mart and can’t support him, and/or lives in her parents’ house. Or, maybe she can support him, but he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.

Whenever a “new” lover enters the scene, don’t fall for his “torn between two lovers” act. You are being played and need to go full-out No Contact.

5) Jekyll and Hyde: If he’s really sociopathic, once you fall for the feigned romance and let him in, he immediately drops the mask and makes you pay for implementing No Contact. This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical. If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity. There’s only more to come.

What He Really Misses

He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
He misses not being able to be himself. He can’t do that with new supply.
He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
He misses having someone to mop off his stage, all while paying the bills.
He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
He misses being “God”.
He misses not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. It’s all about their ego and having control. These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self. When you implement No Contact, it’s the ultimate form of Narcissistic injury, and they will do whatever is necessary to gain back control, and then devalue and discard you.

That’s why implementing No Contact in its true form is critical when detaching from a toxic, emotionally, abusive person Don’t leave them open.

You will only regret it in the end…every. single. time.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on October 21, 2015, 08:51:12 PM: Found online:

Break Up Pain
Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).

But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?

I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.

Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.

Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.

Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.

Conscious Healing

Is a break up painful? I know it is. Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let’s see.

For effective and in depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach. That’s what I am teaching in my coaching.

Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it. What could she do about it anyway?

There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing”.

A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.

Before you start with exercises, because you really don’t feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your well being in a negative way?

Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?

There is a common behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (especially at the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.

What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?

Please read on.

7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain

Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months. This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.

You could call this “indirect healing”, because it doesn’t take a direct initiative, just a change of thinking.

This is much easier, as the first phases of a break up are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.

Sound’s good?

So, let’s start:

1. Neglecting the Body’s Needs

I know you don’t feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much). I know you don’t want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the elementary needs of your body.

If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you’ve had before your break up or divorce. Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.

If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.

2. Continual Mental Reasoning

I know that you rethink the past events over and over again. It’s almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the break up, then it would make sense eventually.

You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!

This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.

Distraction and mind-control through meditation are the keys for getting over this blocker.

3. Isolation

Never isolate yourself for better suffering.

Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don’t have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people. Action is the key.

Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.

4. Trying to get your Ex Back

Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a break up.

There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not. But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.

If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.

5. High Ex-Attachment

It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex. Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don’t throw it away, you might regret this one day.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.

Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule. Once you know that it’s over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely. No phone calls, no e-mails, no text-messages. Don’t go to the places you could meet accidentally.

Believe me, it’s for your own good and this is the only way.

6. Taking No Charge

You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it’s yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness. Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex in order to be happy.

Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!

If you consciously take charge, and realize that it’s only you who can make a change, then you’ve made the first step towards a happier life.

7. Self-Punishment

There is something I constantly observe when working with clients: Most break up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain. It is almost like “Oh, this is a break up, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.

Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.

Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song”, to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.

Do not torture yourself. Resist!

I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.

You have a right to be free and feel good. It’s your choice.

Conclusion

The first months of a break up or divorce are extremely difficult. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.

The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy. Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.

Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up, but gain so much more.

That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on November 08, 2015, 05:59:45 AM: Thabk you in it for both of those. Even those of us who have been in this a while need these to remind

You were very vocal to me about no contact. It was so hard at first but it has been the only time I was able to find peace and really work through this for myself.

I've tried to deny for so long that my h is a narcissist. Hoped so much for a reconciliation. I have realized now he has always been quite narcissistic.

The part where it says if you want to get your ex back chances are with time you won't also spoke to me. It's not just that you finally open your eyes to what they have become or have always been, but that you have grown and begun a life of your own and begun a life of your own that they are not a part of and most likely would not fit into.

I do look back over all this and now think maybe he did me a big favor. I know that wasn't his intention but Its how it feels now. My life is very different and so much better in so many ways.

I still falter on no contact and fall for the bs but I keep on working at it and I get better at it each time. It has been the one thing that has saved me.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 08, 2015, 10:21:16 AM: (((Hugs)))

I delayed my healing for years.
I wish I had just gone nc 5 years ago.
So I am behind healing by 3 years.
Going back was a huge mistake.

I'm grateful I lived through leaving.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Ready2Transform on November 08, 2015, 11:49:04 AM: Quote from: in it on November 08, 2015, 10:21:16 AM
(((Hugs)))

I delayed my healing for years.
I wish I had just gone nc 5 years ago.
So I am behind healing by 3 years.
Going back was a huge mistake.

I'm grateful I lived through leaving.

In It, it's my believe that we do what we feel is right in every moment. It may not have been the choice you would make again, but I absolutely believe you are not "behind" in anything - you have come a LONG way and everything that has happened may not have been for a reason (I don't believe God forces us to be hurt), but has certainly put you on the path that is the right one now.

And just to share my own NC story, with the exception of the conversation my xH and I had at the courthouse on the day of our hearing in 2013, we have not had purposeful contact since September 2012. I had to initiate week before last and we have since had words back and forth. I can attest that he is in the exact same place, but I am NOT. I don not have the stress and anxiety I used to have when communicating, and the NC definitely helped. I do not believe it hindered his crisis at ALL that I did not talk to him. I feel in many ways like it has been picking back up in the exact spot we left off, only with me miles ahead. For those who think NC is the END - I do not believe that. But I think it saved me over three years of the constant reeling to and fro from his rollercoaster.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 08, 2015, 12:43:12 PM: I have thought about that.
And if I hadn't gone back I never would have figured out just what I was dealing with.
I'm not perfect nor profess to be.
I always would have felt guilty and would have been hoovered back in eventually.
This way it simply isn't possible.

I have a whole lot less stress an anxiety since I'm no where near him. And theres no communication.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on November 24, 2015, 02:20:50 PM: The holidays are here..give yourself a break from the drama,games, and emotional rollercoaster. No contact will be a more peaceful way to spend your holiday.

I miss my children. :'( :'(

This will be my third Thanksgiving without them.I thought that in time it would get easier..it doesn't seem too. Or didn't this year.

I am choosing to focus on the people (and family) who want to spend time with me instead of the ones who don't. On who's "there" instead of who isn't.

I find it really hard not to be sad.

This too shall pass..
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on December 01, 2015, 10:24:23 PM: I'm so sorry in it that your children are still blinded by him. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel very bad for them because they are missing out on such a wonderful mom. I hope one day soon they realize how much you love them and how much more fulfilled their life would be with you in it.
I know you are like me in many ways. I don't back down, a little rough around the edges sometimes and I speak my mind. But I have a huge heart and love my family with all of it.
Your guidance has me and many others here because you say it like it is. Maybe you aren't a hand holder and neither am I very much. Truth and reality.
And I honestly don't think no contact drives them away. I've read some reconciliation stories where there was no contact for years. It doesn't matter what YOU do. They have to heal if they want to. So that's why we have to focus on our healing. That's our job. And for some of us, like me, no contact is about the only way to heal and move forward.
Hugs to you in it. Your a very special person. Always remember that.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 02, 2015, 04:52:03 AM: Thank you TMT.

I was just thinking this morning about how I attended an Alanon meeting in my 30's in regards to my mother. A total stranger told me about these meetings and I was skeptical to say the least.

After the meeting I called my father and said "There is nothing wrong with me!
He said "I've been trying to tell you that for years"...but those words never came out of his mouth.

How I ended up that time trying to deal with my mother again after that time I have no idea.

She and I went through quite a few times throughout the years of no contact. Usually due to her behavior and lack of respect. I just didn't know what I was dealing with. Someone who is incapable of change and cannot heal.

Somehow she always sucked me back in. As did the ex..it won't happen this time.

People think it should be easy to walk away from an abusive dysfunctional relationship. If it feels familiar and travels in cycles two people are participating.

I think he and I split up at least 4 times in the years he and I were together..

I didn't make the connection I always looked at it as I was the one with the problem,I was the one to blame for the unhappiness because he's perfect. He'll tell you - ask him.

Take your power back and don't play.

Anything I have read about any relationship that has suffered a break up, divorce or damage suggests a no contact length of time.

Personally? I have had enough pain and abuse.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 02, 2015, 10:00:58 AM: Init, your story is what worries me about my wife and the alienator. My daughter says he is just like her deceased husband. Her husband cheated on her several times, yet she says that if he wouldn't have killed himself after she had him served with divorce papers she would have dropped the divorce and taken him back if he would have asked.

My wife doesn't seem to be happy with the alienator, it doesn't look like he treats her very well, and she's mentioned getting a place of her own several times, yet she's still with him after 17 months. It's crazy, yet I do understand it. But it's driving me crazy, too.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 02, 2015, 11:18:39 AM: Mbib I don't want to worry you anymore than you might be but if I were you? I would fight her for as many assets and much money you can get.
That may very well be what he's after.
Don't worry about how she's attached herself to him.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Ready2Transform on December 02, 2015, 11:30:58 AM: Nodding my head at all of this. I knew that if I didn't cut my abusive mother off at 20 when I had the chance during my parents' divorce, I never would. She would become too embroiled in my adult identity, and I took advantage of the crossroads. It changed the outcome of my life, I know that, but without the closure I continued to draw other friendships into my life that mimicked her dynamic. Maybe they didn't swing fists but they were all needy borderlines who kept our relationship unbalanced, as I allowed myself to become inferior to their needs. Though I have never met her and hope I never do, I think it took my xH's OW to finally say, "Enough!" of these people taking everything from me while I sit there. THAT is why I was NC with him for so long (think I just had an a-ha moment about that) - because that archetype can no longer take my attention.

She's got issues that have nothing to do with you, MBIB, you know that. When you view it from this clinical space, whether it is NC or not, it makes sense to check out and let it play out. She can't be responsible for what drives you crazy right now - she is not capable of even her own sanity. But *you* are in the driver's seat (literally sometimes, with your EMT work!), so go with that and *trust* it is going to work out without your hands on it. If you are afraid letting go means you don't care, trust me - it doesn't. I still care very, very much, but in a way that doesn't further complicate either of our lives. But I do agree with In It that these people are also after financial gain. I know that's it in my case (verified by what she told a friend of mine) and I am near bankruptcy.

As for the dynamic between the two of them from the xH's perspective, this OW also mimics xH's first girlfriend, who at 16 moved in with his family so he could "save her" from abuse. She cheated on him with a boy from another school during that time, and he was still forced to cart her around and be her savior because it made his parents look good at their church. It is not a shocker that his affair partner has so many problems and needed rescued from her own marriage, and that again, my in-laws and complicit. And right after BD while he was still here, we saw the old girlfriend one day at a store. He was texting OW at the time (Monster LOVED to do that in front of me), and it was as if he'd seen a ghost. I actually believe there was a time he combined the two mentally. He would play this song over and over that he'd written in high school for the old gf (long before me) around this time, too. So much unfinished business for what we all assumed were distant memories! Is it lack of serotonin drawing these memories out? Would this have happened without a chemical imbalance? I hope we have the answers someday.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 02, 2015, 04:39:47 PM: MBIB she may be replacing this guy with the one who killed himself..but really she had nothing to do with that either. They are trying to go back and change the outcome of something. What that is? I don't have a clue.
The ex said he thought he took a wrong turn with me. He wanted a clean slate someone he had no history with..turns out the exow was exactly like him. The whole thing blew up in 4 months.
MBIB does your W have a job? Or is she living off the money you are giving her?
I would not have gotten closure or added this up if I hadn't been forced to deal with my mother again..I really had no idea the ex and her were the same kind of person!
Until you can get some balance and heal... I still agree with NC.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 04, 2015, 04:29:44 PM: Hi Init,
Yes, my wife does have a job. But the guy who killed himself was our son-in-law so I don't know why she would be replacing him with anyone. She didn't even like him. That's kind of funny when I think about it because the OM is a lot like our SIL.
R2T, trust is probably a big part of my problem. Trust is not easy for me. It never has been. Yet I always trusted my wife.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 05, 2015, 04:33:01 AM: Oh I misunderstood who that person was. I don't have a clue why she wouldn't be out on her own then other than they can't really be alone.
Looks like I have to stop going to the local grocery store ::)
Besides running into the ex about a week ago I went in for some things yesterday and a girl ( about my youngest D's age) I did not know her (cashier) asked me how my youngest D was. I replied
" Good..I guess"
And then I left.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Reallytrying on December 05, 2015, 06:36:24 AM: I am sorry that you don't have contact with the kids. I hope that changes for you soon.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 05, 2015, 11:16:02 AM: Thanks rt
Somedays I ache to see, talk to, hug them and hold them.
Some days I'm conflicted whether I want to have contact or not.
I have no idea who they are anymore...might sound strange but I feel like I'm being protected from something.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Reallytrying on December 05, 2015, 02:16:02 PM: That thought makes perfect sense to me. I would feel as though there is probably a good reason why I'm being put through this. I tend to try to find the bright side to everything though some days that is arguably very difficult.
Hang in there when you have those down days.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 05, 2015, 06:40:00 PM: Yep I struggled today..so sick of it. I'm the type that is something is wrong I want it out in the open right away....talk, scream, yell whatever you have to do to get through it. Come to some kind of closure or resolution or compromise to a problem and realize it may have to be revisited.

I'm not sure just what the firetruck some peoples problems are but for me the more time that goes by with no contact the worse it gets for me.

And that includes the girls..do they think I'll just forget? I can't allow myself the happy memories I have of them It just makes me sadder..like my whole life with them was a lie somehow.

I will not ever forget just how hurt I got at every level dealing with this jackass..so if anybody thinks time passing will heal this and there will ever be a "happy divorced family" at a table again they are sadly mistaken.

I'm not holding a grudge The ex is mentally unstable and no one will ever convince me of anything else.

Some of you will go on. Time will heal ..you may even become friends at some point. Be able to parent your children together, spend holidays, attend milestones in their lives together.

I will not. Does that make me angry and sad? Yes it does..it really does.
Those who have children.. Hold them close. Treasure every moment with them and do not worry about these firetrucking idiots who do not know what's important.

Cut these creatures out of your life. They are insidious attention ows right now..cut off their supply. You cannot help them and the kindest most loving thing you can do for YOURSELF is LET THEM GO.

MAYBE they will grow up.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: toomanytearss on December 05, 2015, 06:57:51 PM: I can relate. I want resolutions. I hated how h would just say whatever when there was a disagreement. Nothing was ever resolved. The crap just kept piling up. I can't stand that. I'd rather argue it out and resolve it even if that meant a hey we are so far apart on this we can't resolve it so let's agree to disagree for right now until we come up with another plan. At least I would have felt heard.

I'm so sorry about your kids. This time of year I'm sure it's extremely painful. And I also don't think time will make this go away. I can't see my h and probably never will be able to. It's too painful. I don't think time will change that or even having someone else in my life will change that.

This is my second Christmas and I still haven't put up my tree. I feel exhausted and defeated. I feel I'm letting down my kids and I'm trying so hard not to. Everytime I'm with them and we are enjoying the day when they leave all I can think as I cry is that I wish h was with us to enjoy them too. When my bf hugs me goodnight and tells me how special I am to him when he walks out the door I cry. Because I wish it was h. How pathetic.

This crap leaves a wound that I don't think will ever fully heal. Maybe we just get better at dealing with it. I don't know. But I'd sure like to go a whole day even without giving it a thought. It hasn't happened yet but I keep hoping.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 05, 2015, 08:51:17 PM: Quote from: toomanytearss on December 05, 2015, 06:57:51 PM
This is my second Christmas and I still haven't put up my tree. I feel exhausted and defeated. I feel I'm letting down my kids and I'm trying so hard not to. Everytime I'm with them and we are enjoying the day when they leave all I can think as I cry is that I wish h was with us to enjoy them too.
This is my second Christmas too and I'm in the same place you are. This is really hard.

(((((HUGS)))))
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 05, 2015, 09:03:13 PM: This will be my third without my children. I could care less about the ex. He just ruined any holiday anyway.
And the first time in my life I do not feel like putting up a Christmas tree.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 05, 2015, 09:08:25 PM: Quote from: in it on December 05, 2015, 09:03:13 PM
And the first time in my life I do not feel like putting up a Christmas tree.
This is sad but I completely understand. I've had the same feeling.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: Reallytrying on December 06, 2015, 08:16:32 AM: Me too. I love Christmas and there is no tree up yet - no lights up outside. First time in my life I haven't even bought one present. This is the third Christmas post BD but my first with OW. I really am mad that somehow I am allowing them to steal my joy.
Title: Re: No Contact II
Post by: in it on December 06, 2015, 04:27:24 PM: RT- Do not allow him access to you if he has an ow.
Found online:
No Contact: Why you need to keep your proverbial door closed…even when they try to break it down by any means necessary

(http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/skitched-20111209-233322.jpg)

No Contact is essentially closing your door on the relationship by cutting contact and distancing yourself, so that you have a chance to gain objectivity, break an unhealthy partnering, and gradually rebuild your life. By closing the door, you signal that the privileges that they’ve enjoyed in or out of the relationship no longer exist, and by enforcing boundaries, you also impose limits on your own behaviour, which may have detracted from you.
But as some of you have discovered, after the breakup or during No Contact, your ex may periodically, or even often, try to get your attention. They might do the same thing, almost like clockwork – I hear from readers who have exes that always reach out on the same day, or every X weeks, or Y months. Or during the holidays or whenever. Some of you have let the same ex back in with the same con numerous times.
When you’re broken up but are still receptive, it’s basically like having a security keypad on your proverbial door.
Because you’re still receptive even before they attempt contact, you’ve avoided doing anything as ‘drastic’ as changing the lock or taking back their key. With the access code, you either haven’t changed it, or you have, but you’ve either changed it to a code that you know they’re likely to guess, or you keep dropping hints making it easy for them to figure it out. Maybe you send texts saying that you miss them or that you’re really hurting and finding it hard to move on and they get an idea of which ‘buttons’ to press.
Quote
Your post breakup access code can be made up of validation (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-still-trying-to-be-the-exception-to-the-rule-maybe-its-time-you-know-the-rule/), Future Faking (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/) such as plans and claims of changing, and Fast Forwarding (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fast-forwarding-when-someone-speeds-you-through-dating/) including seduction.
When they successfully gain access and are basically inside the perimeter of your heart and mind, your ex may also take it upon themselves to press The Reset Button (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-someone-keeps-presses-the-reset-button-on-your-relationship/) which can be as drastic as restoring you to your ‘original settings’. Then you end up having to ‘relearn’ why you broke up with them in the first place and gather the strength to boot them out and change the code and lock your door.

(http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/skitched-20111209-231531.jpg)
It’s the same when you have an ex that attempts to get their foot through your proverbial door by any means necessary…sending you dumb jokes, weather and sports commentary, asking if you’re friends yet, provoking you with information about them with a new person, sending nasty messages, sending apologetic messages, turning up, moaning to your friends, pitching themselves to your family, slagging you off knowing full well that you’ll hear it back and may confront them, making up lies, claiming that they’re ill, claiming that they’re dying, claiming someone else has died, claiming that they don’t think they can live anymore, saying that they have to get something from your place even though there’s nothing there, reneging on agreements to pay you back, etc....
Quote
It’s natural to be affected by this onslaught, but as I explained , they’re being tactical to break down your defences so that you ‘open the door’. They don’t want you; they just want to win.
When you remember this, they have less power.
Don’t misread this bull$h!te and see it as flattering (it’s not, it’s boundary busting big style) or where it’s particularly unpleasant, as being reflective of who you are. You must recognise that when you have boundaries and/or try to move on, for some people, this makes them feel out of control so they have to pull this stuff to try to give themselves a sense of being in control of you. If you give in, with the control follows a loss of desire erection.
[/font][/color]
Imagine yourself as a door, that you’ve now closed and locked.

Your ex comes along and tries to open the door, but discovers that their key doesn’t work. They keep trying it but no result. They have a root around and pull out a selection of keys that they know used to work on you. Still nothing. They come back another day and try to jimmy the lock with hairpin. Another day they try with a credit card. Another day they kick at it furiously and you’re near crapping yourself and feeling you should cave in and unlock, but you hold your ground.
The next time, they try the gentle and polite approach with the door, maybe pressing the doorbell, and trying to look through the letterbox. The time after that they serenade you (reminds me of Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore), or leave flowers or rat droppings (snigger) – let’s hope they don’t put poo through your letterbox… Then they get pissed off again that the door isn’t open so they try to take a hammer to it. Maybe they kick at it, thump the crap out of it, or stand a few feet away throwing rocks and hoping you’ll be intimidated. You’re scared and wondering why the hell they’re doing this. They then try a calmer approach to the door. Then get frustrated again. And lather, rinse, repeat.
Quote
What you don’t do is open the door. Especially when you’ve previously opened the door and got yourself hurt for your trouble. It’s like letting someone pull the same con on you more than once. Where’s your door chain?
Yes their antics are a pain in the arse but the best thing that you can do is recognise how unbelievably inappropriate their behaviour is and use it as further validation of why your relationship needs to be over.
Let me say it again – it’s not flattering; it’s effed up.
You don’t need this type of negative attention – not all attention is created equal.
Door bashing relies on either a receptive occupant, or the perception that the person will be receptive, and if they keep being met with a closed door, they’ll eventually fade away and find some other fallback option to pester. In the meantime, don’t let their antics own you and keep moving forward.[/color]

new thread - No Contact III http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7305.0