[in it]

Bump for MsT

[in it]

From the Let Me Reach Website:

A large percentage of people who’ve implemented No Contact with their Narcissistic partner will inevitably ask this question.  Why?  Because they are often consumed with missing the Narcissist, and they wonder if he or she has the same feelings of loss and sorrow…perhaps wondering if there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship.

The short answer is no.  When we wonder if the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our loving, caring feelings onto them.  The important thing to remember is that Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions. 

They operate solely from ego, so the usual emotions of missing someone or feelings of sadness and regret typically don’t affect them.  Below are the most common stages (emotional and physical) a Narcissist goes through when one has implemented No Contact (**These are not listed in order of rank.   These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual).

1)       Anger – When you’ve implemented No Contact with an emotionally abusive partner, the first thing they feel is anger at your attempt to set a boundary.  They’ve been so used to having you under their control that they become indignant when you choose to have an independent thought and act on it.  During the relationship, you became an extension of them, so when you begin to break away and reclaim your conscious thought process they typically go into a rage, although this isn’t always obvious.  Oftentimes they’ll conceal the rage in order to fulfill ulterior revenge motives.

2)      Silent Treatment – In the Narcissist’s mind, you are still their property and they believe it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses.  Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment.  This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them.  Then, when the victim doesn’t receive any form of contact from the Narcissist, they begin to think the break-up may possibly have been their fault, after all.  In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message.  Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the N then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them.

3)      Hoovering – Hoovering presents in many forms.  Mostly, it’s the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because they’ve had a “life-changing” epiphany where, through some kind of divine intervention, they’ve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change.  Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist:

Scenario:  The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later.   You crack the door and he tells you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else.  He may manage to squeeze out a tear or two.  He tells you he hasn’t been perfect, but he is willing to try and change for the sake of the relationship.

Your internal dialogue:  “He must really care about me.  He’s finally seen the error of his ways, and he’s obviously sorry for the way he’s treated me all this time.  Thank goodness.  This is great!  I forgive him and love him more than ever.”  You open the door and throw your arms around him.

His internal dialogue:  “Damn.  Those flowers were friggin’ expensive.  Why am I doing all this hard work?  Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such.  I guess I’m getting off pretty cheaply here.  I can’t believe she’s falling for this…again.  But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing.”  He forces a smile and returns the hug, which doesn’t seem as genuine as yours.

4)       The “Torn” Lover – He’s already shacked up with a new mistress, whom he says he just met, but in reality has been seeing for the past few months behind your back.  He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he unsuspectedly fell into the arms of a new lover.  But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work.

The scoop:  What’s happened is he found out the new lover doesn’t have as much money as he thought, only works part-time at the local Wal-Mart and can’t support him, and/or lives in her parents’ house.  Or, maybe she can support him, but he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.

Whenever a “new” lover enters the scene, don’t fall for his “torn between two lovers” act.  You are being played and need to go full-out No Contact.

5)      Jekyll and Hyde:  If he’s really sociopathic, once you fall for the feigned romance and let him in, he immediately drops the mask and makes you pay for implementing No Contact.  This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical.  If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity.  There’s only more to come.

What He Really Misses

He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
He misses not being able to be himself.  He can’t do that with new supply.
He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
He misses having someone to mop off his stage, all while paying the bills.
He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
He misses being “God”.
He misses not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist.  It’s all about their ego and having control.  These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.  When you implement No Contact, it’s the ultimate form of Narcissistic injury, and they will do whatever is necessary to gain back control, and then devalue and discard you. 

That’s why implementing No Contact in its true form is critical when detaching from a toxic, emotionally, abusive person  Don’t leave them open.

 You will only regret it in the end…every. single. time.

[in it]

Found online:

Break Up Pain
Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).

But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?

I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.

Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.

Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.

Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.

Conscious Healing

Is a break up painful? I know it is. Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let’s see.

For effective and in depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach. That’s what I am teaching in my coaching.

Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it. What could she do about it anyway?

There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing”.

A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.

Before you start with exercises, because you really don’t feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your well being in a negative way?

Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?

There is a common behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (especially at the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.

What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?

Please read on.

7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain

Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a relationship break up more than they should in the first months. This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.

You could call this “indirect healing”, because it doesn’t take a direct initiative, just a change of thinking.

This is much easier, as the first phases of a break up are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.

Sound’s good?

So, let’s start:

1. Neglecting the Body’s Needs

I know you don’t feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much). I know you don’t want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the elementary needs of your body.

If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you’ve had before your break up or divorce. Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.

If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.

2. Continual Mental Reasoning

I know that you rethink the past events over and over again. It’s almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the break up, then it would make sense eventually.

You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!

This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.

Distraction and mind-control through meditation are the keys for getting over this blocker.

3. Isolation

Never isolate yourself for better suffering.

Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don’t have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people. Action is the key.

Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.

4. Trying to get your Ex Back

Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a break up.

There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not. But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.

If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.

5. High Ex-Attachment

It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex. Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don’t throw it away, you might regret this one day.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.

Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule. Once you know that it’s over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely. No phone calls, no e-mails, no text-messages. Don’t go to the places you could meet accidentally.

Believe me, it’s for your own good and this is the only way.

6. Taking No Charge

You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it’s yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness. Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex in order to be happy.

Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!

If you consciously take charge, and realize that it’s only you who can make a change, then you’ve made the first step towards a happier life.

7. Self-Punishment

There is something I constantly observe when working with clients: Most break up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain. It is almost like “Oh, this is a break up, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.

Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.

Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song”, to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.

Do not torture yourself. Resist!

I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.

You have a right to be free and feel good. It’s your choice.

Conclusion

The first months of a break up or divorce are extremely difficult. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.

The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy. Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.

Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up, but gain so much more.

That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.

[toomanytearss]

Thabk you in it for both of those. Even those of us who have been in this a while need these to remind   

You were very vocal to me about no contact. It was so hard at first but it has been the only time I was able to find peace and really work through this for myself.

I've tried to deny for so long that my h is a narcissist. Hoped so much for a reconciliation. I have realized now he has always been quite narcissistic.

The part where it says if you want to get your ex back chances are with time you won't also spoke to me. It's not just that you finally open your eyes to what they have become or have always been, but that you have grown and begun a life of your own and begun a life of your own that they are not a part of and most likely would not fit into.

I do look back over all this and now think maybe he did me a big favor. I know that wasn't his intention but Its how it feels now. My life is very different and so much better in so many ways.

I still falter on no contact and fall for the bs but I keep on working at it and I get better at it each time. It has been the one thing that has saved me.

[in it]

(((Hugs)))

I delayed my healing for years.
I wish I had just gone nc 5 years ago.
So I am behind healing by 3 years.
Going back was a huge mistake.

I'm grateful I lived through leaving.

[Ready2Transform]

(((Hugs)))

I delayed my healing for years.
I wish I had just gone nc 5 years ago.
So I am behind healing by 3 years.
Going back was a huge mistake.

I'm grateful I lived through leaving.

In It, it's my believe that we do what we feel is right in every moment. It may not have been the choice you would make again, but I absolutely believe you are not "behind" in anything - you have come a LONG way and everything that has happened may not have been for a reason (I don't believe God forces us to be hurt), but has certainly put you on the path that is the right one now.

And just to share my own NC story, with the exception of the conversation my xH and I had at the courthouse on the day of our hearing in 2013, we have not had purposeful contact since September 2012. I had to initiate week before last and we have since had words back and forth. I can attest that he is in the exact same place, but I am NOT. I don not have the stress and anxiety I used to have when communicating, and the NC definitely helped. I do not believe it hindered his crisis at ALL that I did not talk to him. I feel in many ways like it has been picking back up in the exact spot we left off, only with me miles ahead. For those who think NC is the END - I do not believe that. But I think it saved me over three years of the constant reeling to and fro from his rollercoaster.

[in it]

I have thought about that.
And if I hadn't gone back I never would have figured out just what I was dealing with.
I'm not perfect nor profess to be.
I always would have felt guilty and would have been hoovered back in eventually.
This way it simply isn't possible.

I have a whole lot less stress an anxiety since I'm no where near him. And theres no communication.

[in it]

The holidays are here..give yourself a break from the drama,games, and emotional rollercoaster. No contact will be a more peaceful way to spend your holiday.

I miss my children.

This will be my third Thanksgiving without them.I thought that in time it would get easier..it doesn't seem too. Or didn't this year.

I am choosing to focus on the people (and family) who want to spend time with me instead of the ones who don't. On who's "there" instead of who isn't.

 I find it really hard not to be sad.

This too shall pass..

[toomanytearss]

I'm so sorry in it that your children are still blinded by him. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel very bad for them because they are missing out on such a wonderful mom. I hope one day soon they realize how much you love them and how much more fulfilled their life would be with you in it. 
I know you are like me in many ways. I don't back down, a little rough around the edges sometimes and I speak my mind. But I have a huge heart and love my family with all of it. 
Your guidance has me and many others here because you say it like it is. Maybe you aren't a hand holder and neither am I very much. Truth and reality. 
And I honestly don't think no contact drives them away. I've read some reconciliation stories where there was no contact for years. It doesn't matter what YOU do. They have to heal if they want to. So that's why we have to focus on our healing. That's our job. And for some of us, like me, no contact is about the only way to heal and move forward. 
Hugs to you in it. Your a very special person. Always remember that. 

[in it]

Thank you TMT.

I was just thinking this morning about how I attended an Alanon meeting in my 30's in regards to my mother. A total stranger told me about these meetings and I was skeptical to say the least.

After the meeting I called my father and said "There is nothing wrong with me!
He said "I've been trying to tell you that for years"...but those words never came out of his mouth.

How I ended up that time trying to deal with my mother again after that time I have no idea. 

She and I went through quite a few times throughout the years of no contact. Usually due to her behavior and lack of respect. I just didn't know what I was dealing with. Someone who is incapable of change and cannot heal.

Somehow she always sucked me back in. As did the ex..it won't happen this time.

 People think it should be easy to walk away from an abusive dysfunctional relationship. If it feels familiar and travels in cycles two people are participating. 

I think he and I split up at least 4 times in the years he and I were together..

I didn't make the connection I always looked at it as I was the one with the problem,I was the one to blame for the unhappiness because he's perfect. He'll tell you - ask him.

 Take your power back and don't play.

Anything I have read about any relationship that has suffered a break up, divorce or damage suggests a no contact length of time. 

Personally? I have had enough pain and abuse.