[in it]

bump

[Pixiegirl]

That's why LBS'S spending time alone is so important. You cannot just let them back in your life and "fix" it for them. No saving, no enabling. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.

You cannot tell them anything. They have to learn the lesson on their own for them to accept it.

Thanks for bumping this up Init. I needed to read THIS today! I am doing the right thing. YES I am.

[in it]

Yes you are Pixiegirl. Have fun with your son and let go.

Your H have to sort the mess out for himself. It isn't like this hasn't happened before and will continue as long as you allow it.

The games are over.  Break the cycle.

[Blackhen]

Thanks Init. I am also working on not feeling sorry for my P.

So true - he got himself into this mess, he can get himself out.

I had a pattern in our relationship of tidying up his messes. I will never have a relationship like that EVER again, with him or anyone else, unless they are an infant who is not potty trained.

Keep up the good work

xox

[in it]

Thanks BH..I think more often than not our compassion and sympathy get the better of us.

We have educated ourselves through reading articales here and online as to what may be going on with them...we know them better than anyone ..correct?

We may even have a better understanding than they do of what's wrong with them. That education may be something that gets in the way of us laying down boundaries and standing up for ourselves.

We may understand it; but we cannot fix, control, or enable it.

Here's the deal:

 The second you feel sorry for them they haul you back in to repeat the cycle again and again. As many times as WE allow it.

And that relationship you speak of (minus the diapers?) is simply too much work.

Take zero abuse. ((HUGS))

[Blackhen]

I have so much fun stuff to do and I've already squandered way too much time on his problems.

My new acronym: TZA

Rock on!

 

[in it]

And you do get to that point where you realize you have wasted way too much time on trying to figure out what their problem is.

In order to regain some of myself I have had to simplify it.

Not dealing with someone who wants to make you miserable, CONTROL everything you do, would not consider anyone else might be right , criticize the $hit out of you, create drama, brainwash and feed people bull$hit, or even entertain how someone else thinks, not to mention the exs anger issues and screaming and yelling and physical violence has HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY.

We won't even go into the lack of respect that I've seen in the sharing of this agonizing part of peoples lives on here I've read. The healthiest most peaceful thing for us is NC.

I am quite content.

And fun is very important.

[in it]

Found online


TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

1.   No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.

2.   No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out."

3.   No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.

4.   No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust not to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Use Caller ID or let your machine pick up.

5.   No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their e-mails, IMs, and ability to see when you are online.

6.   No meetings to "talk things over" or "work things out."

7.   No cards or letters, and No responding to cards or letters. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No Mother's Day or Father's Day cards.

8.   No giving gifts and No accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, No acknowledging it and No responding.

9.   No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.

10.   No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a response. He will interpret it to mean that you are still emotionally connected to him, you still care, and if he keeps trying, he can wear you down. Just ignore all communications.

11.   No visits, including hospital visits.

12.   No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Monitor your children's e-mails and cell phones, changing e-mail accounts and phone numbers if necessary. Warn your children to stay away from them, and to run and tell a teacher if they show up at their school. Notify your children's school to call you and the police.

13.   No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place, ignore them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud voice, "Leave me alone!" and "Do not talk to me." If they persist or you believe you are being stalked, call the police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of.

14.   No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.

15.   No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information or spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not loyal to you.

16.   No listening to any news about them. If you are absolutely dying of curiosity, listen, but do not show any undue interest, do not get baited into responding, and do not reveal any information about yourself in return.

17.   No giving other people information about you or your family that they could carry back to your abuser.

18.   No invitations to your big events and No responding to invitations they send you.

19.   No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead.

20.   No big announcements and No telling them anything about your life- No letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work, or go to school, or when your grandkids are born.

21.   Print out e-mails, tape voicemail messages, and keep all cards, letters, and other communications in a file for future harassment or stalking charges, but do not respond.

[in it]

Protect yourself and any possible future relationship with NC.

These MLCer's can do a number on your self worth and your self esteem with what they may do but especially what they say.

 Any negativity should be avoided in any way possible. Love and protect yourself first.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Protect yourself and any possible future relationship with NC.

Do you think it's possible to reconnect/reconcile after NC?