Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OffRoad on May 07, 2015, 12:05:41 PM
-
So many times, I hear a male MLCer has said that the LBS didn't "need" them. That they were just a paycheck, or a guy to take out the trash. Then they walk away, almost trying to prove the LBS doesn't "need" them.
So for you men out there, what is your definition of being "needed"?
-
This is a good question. I look forward to seeing the answers!!
-
This is a good question. I look forward to seeing the answers!!
Agreed - good question.
I am very independent, always have been. I worry a little that my independence scares off men :o H used to give me a hard about it - now I think he did that because he is not very independent.
-
Are they reading this? ::)
I come back here for the answers. I got this answer also: you don't need me, you are doing everything yourself....
Yes....I agree, because H is not there, that simple
Not to speak of the emotional needs...
-
I'll try to be as gentle as possible with my answer although I was the LBS.
My X "needed" me to provide a lifestyle, she "needed" the resources I provided, she "needed" a babysitter and a handyman, and a gardener. What I "needed" didn't matter, don't bother her with it. Its all about me, do for me, me, me, me, take. take, take. Don't even ask to have your your needs met.
As a generality when a man says his needs aren't being met, the emotional and intimacy needs have been unmet for extended periods of time., possibly even years.
Quite often men stop asking because they are tired of excuses and that everything and everyone are more important than their needs.
Part of the difficulty in moving on is the realization that you did play a role in your partner's descent, no you are not responsible, but few are ever truly guilt free.
My .02
Mac
-
Did you mean babysitter or father to the children?
Did she need a handyman or a handy partner to keep the family safe?
Did she need a gardener or someone to make the yard look good while she was busy making the house look good?
Just wondering.
-
Mimi:
3 children in school 5 days a week, only worked one evening and every other weekend. X had plenty of me time. That didn't stop her from spending Christmas 2008 with her "friend" and his family.
She was never happy unless I was doing what she wanted, If I was watching TV with the three boys, I should be cleaning up the kitchen. If the kitchen floor was not clean to her satisfaction when she got home from work, she would routinely wake me up. If after a 60+ hour week I had the audacity to fall asleep after reading my youngest son a story - well no sex for you.
I assembled the furniture, did the heavy lifting, did the majority of the cooking, held my own in cleaning, and laundry and garbage, in addition to 90% of the yard work. I would typically cut the lawn with a baby in the backpack. She never touched a snow shovel once in a 16 year marriage.
No she was lifted up, got negligent, got abusive, and disappeared into the fog. Sightings are rare these days.
Again no ones perfect, I don't express my "needs" well preferring quiet reflection to work out an issue in my head rather than openly communicate. One of the real changes I made is I'm no longer quiet. I also will never tolerate that level of disrespect from anyone again.
Mac
-
Trouble with the ex was..if he knew what you wanted or needed he would make sure he didn't do it.And easily could.
It took me a while to catch on.Example I might want a picture hung he'd tell he would do it two weeks later its still sitting there.
FINALLY I'd get pissed off and hang it myself with him making the comment
"That right..just cobb it right up there"
I told him one day "Keep going youll make a man out of me yet"
-
I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me and am now begging to feel more needed than I have in 15 yrs.
Some recognition for all the good I did would have made me feel needed.
My wife actually said at bd I don't need you anymore as I've now got everything I need in life eg job, degree money car basically everything that I had provided.
-
I'll try to be as gentle as possible with my answer although I was the LBS.
My X "needed" me to provide a lifestyle, she "needed" the resources I provided, she "needed" a babysitter and a handyman, and a gardener. What I "needed" didn't matter, don't bother her with it. Its all about me, do for me, me, me, me, take. take, take. Don't even ask to have your your needs met.
As a generality when a man says his needs aren't being met, the emotional and intimacy needs have been unmet for extended periods of time., possibly even years.
Quite often men stop asking because they are tired of excuses and that everything and everyone are more important than their needs.
Part of the difficulty in moving on is the realization that you did play a role in your partner's descent, no you are not responsible, but few are ever truly guilt free.
My .02
Mac
Thank you, Mac, I appreciate your answers, they are helpful. What I am looking for, though, is what it means to YOU to feel needed. What would your significant other need to do to make you feel like you are needed in the way you WANT to be needed? I'm not asking what your needs are, that is different. I want to know why a man would think their wife DIDN'T need him.
What reason would you have to tell someone that you feel like you aren't a useful engine to them? What way do your want a SO to need you? (And I hope I'm not only going to get "sex" for an answer, I hope there are some other reasons as well)
-
I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me !!!
How is it in this instance you did not feel needed? Is that actually the same as not having your needs met to a man? Is it more along the lines of if you don't get any appreciation, then you feel like your contributions are not valued and not needed?
-
If after a 60+ hour week I had the audacity to fall asleep after reading my youngest son a story - well no sex for you.
Insert xW dissatisfaction [ ]well no sex for you.
The first example of this was while we were still dating and I kept xW and her friend waiting at the train station for 10 mins before I picked them up. xW actually told her friend "Well that's no sex for him tonight."
Not sure if that answers the question on this thread, but I've waited for 2 year on this site to actually get that into a thread.
Lanzo
-
I don't understand women that use sex as a punishment....unless they just don't like it......I don't understand that either ;D
-
I guess I only felt needed as a financial provider whereas I needed love and appreciation to actually feel needed.
When she left she started getting friends or work colleagues to do all the things I had once done just to prove she didn't need me. But after botched work and limited finances two yrs down the line she is back to asking me to do it. I actually feel more needed now than I did due to the fact she always thanks me.
I now do everything for myself other than my ironing which she has started offering to do but mainly because most of it is her sons who lives with me so in reality it made me realise I didn't actually need her in my life as much as she needs me
-
That's a very honest and sincere answer, Family Man. I'm sure that if my husband was asked this question, his answer would be the same as yours.
I guess we women are wired differently and we don't realize how important it is for a man to feel appreciated. We learn the hard way. Of course, many of us do appreciate everything our husbands do for us. We just forget to express our feelings of appreciation because we don't have those same needs. It seems like more of a misunderstanding than an intentional disregard.
-
What I am getting so far is that men need their needs met to feel needed? That is very confusing to me. That seems self centered as opposed to giving. To me, not feeling needed is like there is nothing I can give you that you want.
Is there anyone who can help me understand this? I must be missing some part of the equation.
-
I don't understand women that use sex as a punishment....unless they just don't like it......I don't understand that either ;D
Some men are not very good at sex, and you can't say anything about that to them or they completely withdraw. Makes it not so much fun for the woman....just saying....
-
Offroad.....this is sadly true too. However most men that I have talked to are very much about pleasing their woman. Maybe it is a maturity thing, that the older a man gets the more he takes pride in his "work" ;)
-
It may depend on what particular love language one speaks. For me, physical touch and words of affirmation.
Basically I just want to know that I'm #1 in your life, you're into me, want me, appreciate me, respect me, consult me, and think well of me (and show it). I will move mountains for you if I'm feeling special.
-
So I think the question is: If I were to tell my wife I didn't feel needed what would I mean?
That's easy for me to answer because I don't feel like my wife needs me right now but my answer may not be that of a typical man.
I will feel needed if my wife turns to me for emotional support. If I'm the rock she leans on when times are bad, if I'm the one she wants to share what's happening in her life when things are going well, that's when I'll feel needed.
The rest of it, buying her things, mowing the lawn, taking care of the house, I did all of that, but that's not being needed, that's just being a partner and carrying my share of the load, and maybe a little more than my share because I loved her. And I didn't mind doing it because I've always enjoyed doing stuff for her. Not long ago I changed the oil in her truck and took it for a drive to make sure nothing was wrong with it. I enjoyed doing that for her but she didn't need me to do it for her. She could have taken it to a garage. Now if she had wanted me to change the oil in her truck so she could hang out with me and keep me company while I was doing it like she used to do early in our relationship, I would have felt very needed.
My wife used to do a lot for me, too, and even though I didn't need her to do those things because I could have done them myself, I hope she felt appreciated. Not needed, but appreciated. I hope she felt needed not for what she did for me but for who she was to me.
I told you this was going to be different. I'm not sure I'm normal. :(
-
Thank you, Brain, that is exactly the question I was asking. You answered in a way that makes sense to me, but I am starting to see that my impression of being needed is not necessarily what some men consider being needed. That there actually IS more to the equation than was ever on my radar scope.
You see, for me having someone get up on the ladder and painting the high parts of the house, even though I painted the rest, is an actual NEED because I am deathly afraid of heights. In my mind, my appreciation for that is tenfold my appreciation for taking out the trash. That isn't just being a partner. It's being the person I can count on to help me with the things I cannot do.
MeNow, your explanation goes back again to sounding like having your needs met is necessary to feeling needed. You specified needing to feel special. That your SO thinking well of you is what makes you feel needed. But (to me), my thinking well of someone, wanting them, respecting them doesn't mean that I need them. It just means that they are pretty cool and maybe nice to have around. I can respect a lot of people. Your feelings seems to be common and I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. I seem to be having a problem equating appreciation, respect and thinking someone is #1 with actually needing someone.
I'm beginning to think is a communication issue. My version of "need" is different from someone else's version of "need".
-
OffRoad - I'm with you in trying to understand this.
My H wouldn't offer to help me with things and when I did ask for help he rarely did what I asked of him so I stopped asking ??? I would get annoyed when he didn't help me if I asked him to because I rarely asked - if I asked I really needed him.
For example, he would rarely come out to help me with the grocery bags - no problem I can do it myself. If he asked me if I needed help I would accept his help and thank him. So in this scenario should I have asked him to help me instead of waiting for him to offer? I did many of the household chores and yard work to show my appreciation - was I taking away opportunities for him to feel needed?
-
Hi offroad,
Interesting discussion. And one I am trying to wrap my mind around also.
I think we are talking about both sides of "need" here. Both sides "needs" validation for whatever their love language is. And the other side needs to do the validating.
For example, if H feels he is doing something just for me, for example, gift giving. Not to acknowledge that gift in a way that makes him feel good about himself, is a form of me invalidating his need to be acknowledged for that effort.
Now gift giving isn't big for me. I would rather have time spent with him than a ruby bracelet ;D and anyway, I prefer sapphires and emeralds. ;D
So I say, that's lovely dear. And H feels has not made me happy. And never underestimate the need for a male to make his mate happy. So H feels bad. And I don't feel that special either.
So you are right it is a communication 'thing'. But it is also an awareness 'thing'. The more I am aware of his need to be validated for his efforts and vice versa, the more efficient we are at meeting those needs.
I read somewhere that resentments are past invalidations remembered. We don't usually remember what people say or do but we sure remember how they make us feel.
Peace and strength
-
I agree validation is of utmost importance. I didn't realize how much until recently, because I didn't have a name for it. It was just that weird feeling that what I did or said wasn't of any value to H, and I didn't understand why I had that feeling. It was his withdrawing from the relationship and invalidating everything I did to justify what he was doing that made me feel that way.
I really want to understand why a male would feel like he isn't needed. I realize it is probably blowing smoke for a male MLCer to say this, but I think there is value in understanding that while I may think a man leading his son by example is a need, he may think that's not important at all.
-
Offroad,
Not everyone acts in a certain way because they 'should know better'. Most times they act in a way that is familiar. So they repeat what they experienced.
My H had an absent father. How the heck was he to know better and be a good example when he didn't have one himself? I know it sounds like an excuse because he is a grown man.
But he is also a wounded child in a grown man's body. When H comes to a stage where he knows better, I think then I can hold him to account to act better. Right now, my expectations aren't really that high.
So it is my part to step up and be the best parent DS can have within my limited ability. For I know that I don't know how to be a perfect parent. They don't exist. I just muddle along.
-
I guess I have a hard time understanding why a man wouldn't have some pride and confidence in himself for what he does..why would what we say make so much difference? I did my part -did everything else- house, finaces, cooked, cleaned, laundry, planned vacations, and child related. I didn't expect him to recognize every single thing I did.
He worked ( for a while anyway) Why wouldn't just being able to come home to a beautiful family sitting down to dinner and being able to do whatever he wants be enough? Why couldn't he or didn't he appreciate that?
He came from the same kind of tradional family..did he just take that for granted?
I wasn't intrested in sex with him that much..it was very obvious he had no respect for me or what I did or my needs anyway. That was from day one. But it hadn't occurred to me until this last BD. I knew something was wrong I just didn't know what..not that it can ever be fixed in my case anyway.
If I was STUPID enough to allow him into my life again the abuse would eventually escalate and more than likely I'd end up dead.
To me a marriage is to maintain a family once children arrive. I was very busy, exhausted, and focused on them.
Communication with him was not easy . The fights usually ensued over sex or money. You have no idea how happy I am that I will not be stuck with just him (kids grown and gone) in my Golden Years.
-
I guess I have a hard time understanding why a man wouldn't have some pride and confidence in himself for what he does..why would what we say make so much difference? I did my part -did everything else- house, finaces, cooked, cleaned, laundry, planned vacations, and child related. I didn't expect him to recognize every single thing I did.
I agree completely with this. It sounds like an adult relationship.
-
Ok so what up? How much energy is one person supposed to put out in order to have someone else become or see they are a partner.
If someones validation only comes from the "outside" I guess they might set themselves up to be pretty dissappointed. Nothing anybody could ever do or say would or will ever be enough.
-
I think men like their ego's stroked once in awhile. They like to feel needed and wanted in the bedroom. No matter what went on during the day that closeness is important.
I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth. If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.
I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.
Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed. I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically. Even if it's just a back rub.
Ok, clubber away. :)
-
It may depend on what particular love language one speaks. For me, physical touch and words of affirmation.
Basically I just want to know that I'm #1 in your life, you're into me, want me, appreciate me, respect me, consult me, and think well of me (and show it). I will move mountains for you if I'm feeling special.
I agree completely with all of this, this is basically who I am to a tee.
See over the years of spending so much time alone, I have learned to do many things myself (although some are a work in progress) that are typically H type of "duties". I HAD to do them, and yes I could ask FIL for help over the years. However I tried not to do that (this was when things were a father/DIL relationship), because I needed to know that in an emergency that I COULD handle things myself. The only things I ask for help with now are things that I just do not have the physical strength to do, and my stepdad and S23 step up to the plate.
So I know this was a question for the men, but my NEEDS are not what you do for me so much as how you make me feel.
-
I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth. If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.
I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.
Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed. I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically. Even if it's just a back rub.
Ok, clubber away. :)
Thunder, I agree....so no clobbering.
-
I guess I'm about the same as you bookwrmom. I have been brought up pretty much to do things for myself. Usually if I asked for help I didn't get it.
And I have to depend on someone stronger than me for the physical things. So I have adjusted my life accordingly.
It's about how I feel when I'm with someone. If I feel safe and protected I equate some of that with love. I also appreciate a really good sense of humor.
I would like to feel desired also. Not having to make the first move ALL THE TIME.
Right now it's trust issues I'm dealing with. :(
-
Wow, tough question. I'm not even sure I know how to answer without pulling from my own experience...
As I reflect on my m, things were out of whack, but it was circumstances beyond my control (or so I felt). Bottom line-she did the majority of everything-cooking, cleaning, raising kids, disciplining, etc. My part? Breadwinner, outside work, "Mr. Fix it", mechanic, etc. Not very well balanced at all. BUT, I used to tell her many, many, many times I always thought we made a great "Team" (although she would joke she was the captain). In the last years, she would tell me "You are a great provider, and a good guy." That should have sent off alarm bells, but didn't.
I know you aren't supposed to believe anything they say, BUT, there is also some truth to some of their statements...Some of her comments, and my reflection make me feel as if I was "needed" to provide her a life that she felt she would not be able to have on her own. At this point, she no longer desires that life, and wants to go in a different direction.
So where does that leave me? In a way, I feel "used". I don't want to be "needed" ever again. I would like to be "wanted" though.
-T
-
I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.
Maybe my husband felt less needed b/c after years of being a stay at home mom, I went back to school, got a job, and now I am earning a healthy paycheck. Should I ask, is that why he left?
BUT...
If I didn't do that I could say, the pressure of him having the only income was why he left.
Maybe...it was b/c I asked him to do to much around the house
BUT....
we are both handy (me more crafty, him more mechanical) so we both liked to do fix-it jobs together, when he stopped I took over and did everything, never nagged, just did it
Maybe...I should have done less too, make him feel more special... :o
Maybe...it's b/c he wasn't getting enough sex...
BUT...
I always chased him and HE started pushing ME away...
Maybe...
I pressured him too much, maybe that's why he left.
The point is... IT DOESN'T MATTER.
We were good, better than good for over 25 years. I complimented him, laughed with him, supported him, piled sex on him to the point of exhaustion...he still left.
Why?
B/C something went wrong with him. If he was married to someone else he still would have left. There was not one damn thing I could have done differently, he still would have left.
-
I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me and am now begging to feel more needed than I have in 15 yrs.
Some recognition for all the good I did would have made me feel needed.
My wife actually said at bd I don't need you anymore as I've now got everything I need in life eg job, degree money car basically everything that I had provided.
I agree with FM. We do these things because we love them and not because we get paid for it. We love them with all the nice and less nice things of marriage. With all the perfections and imperfections. It is not a fairytale. It is real live. A little appreciation makes me feel needed. Noticing the things I DO do and not just what I dont do.
To add to this, open communication makes me understand when I do things that are not appreciated. Waiting 10 years in silence and then saying "I don't love you any more" does not make me feel so appreciated.
Am
-
I think men like their ego's stroked once in awhile. They like to feel needed and wanted in the bedroom. No matter what went on during the day that closeness is important.
I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth. If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.
I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.
Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed. I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically. Even if it's just a back rub.
Ok, clubber away. :)
Thunder you have it so right! We do need that physical contact and yes, it makes me feel needed if she is satisfied by me. It is fairly simple. Some appreciation for the things that we DO do is also important. Its ok to moan and it is ok to tell us where we go wrong and everybody fights from time to time. What is important is the respect. The appreciation. The kindness. Talking about languages of love. Ask almost any man and he would say that the physical contact (not just sex) is top or very close to the top. It is hard wired. It is nature.
It is nice to hear this from a woman!
AM
-
Ask almost any man and he would say that the physical contact (not just sex) is top or very close to the top. It is hard wired. It is nature.
About a week before BD, I thought husband was sleeping. He had been walking around with so much anger and I didn't know why. I kissed his neck, squeezed him tight, and whispered in his ear, "I love you sooooo much"...he jumped out of bed like I stabbed him with a knife...He screamed, "why did you say that?!?"...I just looked at him wide eyed, "because I love you?"
We can douse them with all the love and appreciation in the world, if they aren't receptive to it, there is not a damn thing we can do.
-
Yeah on one hand for sure it is a really tough question yet on the other in many ways, it's very simple.
Like women often go on about men and egos , yet women have as big if not bigger egos than men. They need the looks and opposite sex attention and all the compliments and the appreciation and the affection and the talking and the ego boosts and on and on.
Well , in many ways , really , we're just the same as each other.
In many ways the things that you need and that make you feel good , are the same things that make anyone feel good and feel needed, including men.
Guys need to feel good to and they need it from their women just like she does from him.
One thing with my ex for example that really drove me nuts was you always had to ask her what she thought of something .
And she always just gave some bs one or two word answer to boot , as if she was scared of spoiling me . l hated that .
-
Just a thought, I see so many of our mlc'rs are not very good at open communication. Don't say anything about what upsets them or what they like. I know that's how my h was. I couldn't tell you to this day what I did or didn't do that made him feel good or feel bad. I just went with what I thought would show him appreciation for the things he did.
I never wanted to be needed, always just wanted to be wanted. That is where we had a disconnect. I would explain it to him and how his actions made me feel unwanted and what I wanted from him. He would pretend to listen and we'd continue on and nothing would change.
So for me my need was wanting to be wanted, but I was treated like I was needed (wash the clothes, clean, cook, work, you get the idea.)
Since I didn't know what h needed from me I would do what I thought would show him how much I loved and respected him: I would talk about him all the time, how wonderful he was - to friends, family and the kids. He heard many of these conversations. I tried to show him how much I appreciated our home by keeping it clean and well cared for and how much I loved him by taking great care of the kids and always waiting up for him to eat dinner with him no matter what time he got home from work, making sure he always had his favorite foods in the house, etc. Trying to give him love and affection that sometimes he seemed to enjoy and sometimes not.
So I don't know what he needed from me, I only know what I needed from him. I just needed to be wanted. Like you T, that's all I ever wanted.
-
Too many , can you explain wanted ?
ps , hubby , maybe then it was nothing that you did TM , maybe it was him , just in there . Just wondering what did he tell you it was at bd ?
-
Can I ask the same question to the females on here what actually does a bloke need to do for you to feel needed as I thought I was doing all I could to make her feel needed and it didn't work although I still think from her behaviour one day she will realise I've been the only one who's really been there through everything she's been through when she needed someone.
-
l made a lot of mistakes FM , no doubt about it , especially in our last 2yrs. But when the chips were down l was there , no matter what , every time for 19yrs and so was she for me.
l use to hope at the start of all this that one day she remembers all that . No luck so far , it seems to be the last thing on her mind unfortunately .
-
It's hard to explain hawk. But I will try. Like when it was time to get off work I would get a text from him with a list he wanted from the grocery store and what time will you be home and whats for dinner? Not a text at the end of the day saying I can't wait for you to get home!
When his friends were around he would not want to be near me and most times if they were new friends he wouldn't even introduce me. When I got promoted to VP he didn't even tell his family. I didn't feel like we were married anymore because he just wanted to be with me, enjoyed my company, etc.
Many years ago when h was still drinking heavily I told him to leave. I packed his stuff and tossed it out in the driveway. He started crying, but you know what he said. I have nowhere to go. Not I'm sorry I don't want to leave. Back then I chalked it up to the drinking, but I think that says a lot.
-
Nah got it right--you can't figure it out. Remember there is A LOT of blame shifting and projection, and a whole helluvalotta JUSTIFICATION. "You don't need me" is the corollary of OW REALLY NEEDS ME.
Don't forget in most of these cases there is a damsel in distress, either real, or in their imagination (and it doesn't have to be a female, it could be work, or a band, or a broken down car) that truly NEEDS them and will DIE without them, may be even commit suicide... To the OW (or whatever other it is) they are a GOD and to you, they are a middle-aged man who burps, farts, leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and remember now back to the projection, looks at them as the man they are, not the man they WANTED to be, the KING of the world...
I got the same thing from my ex, you don't need me and she does... I pondered it for a while, but it was just ridiculous. She NEEDED him to rake up acorns and we had a kid diagnosed with cancer... Okay, sure, I was holding my own while you were flaking out, sorry for that, but go, be her hero, rake her acorns, that was not my problem, it was his, and still is (though, not it's hers, I hope she still has the magic that makes him want to rake acorns cause he never did it for me...). But of course I have to keep in mind the needing thing was secondary, he left me because she liked watching SportsCenter and I wouldn't clear the time off the microwave--lest you think he was being capricious, would not want to leave that impression... There is no logic in MLC, and you don't even want to get inside that twisted place that is their head, so don't try!!! Love and light, ll
-
LL you tickled me with this:
they are a middle-aged man who burps, farts, leaves dirty dishes in the sink
I honestly have to say that H would NEVER fart in front of me. Never in the 17 years did he! I think it is funny as hell, because I had no such qualms about it in front of him (I mean of course not for a while). He would call me a "nasty buzzard", and I would just laugh at him. I mean if you cannot fart in front of your H, then you are screwed. The kids say that he did it around them all the time, but for whatever reason he would not in front of me.
Anyway, just one of those memories triggered.
-
She NEEDED him to rake up acorns and we had a kid diagnosed with cancer... Okay, sure, I was holding my own while you were flaking out, sorry for that, but go, be her hero, rake her acorns,
Well, a pile of acorns can really get out of control. ::)
Mine went on for hours b/c I forgot to turn the outside light on before he got home. I was such a b!tch.
Why are we banging our heads against the wall?
-
Mine went on for hours b/c I forgot to turn the outside light on before he got home. I was such a b!tch.
Why are we banging our heads against the wall?
You were a b!tc#, glad I was just a $h!tety wife, not a full on, balls out b!tc#. If you did THAT, I can't imagine your other offenses. You probably used bagged salad and bought the wrong vitamins, too... He must have been scared in the dark for years... (And I guess it never occurred to him that he could install a motion sensor light that would turn on all by itself...)
No more head banging here, still a lot of head shaking, the wonders never cease, but banging should stop...
-
And I guess it never occurred to him that he could install a motion sensor light that would turn on all by itself..
Damn...I wish I thought of that, I would still be a married woman. Oh well, lesson learned for next unsuspecting man that I get my devious hooks in.
-
I WANTED TO BE listened TO AND CONSIDERED.THAT MAYBE i COULD HAVE AN IDEA OR AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT. Right now..There's just about nothing that turns me on more than a man who will look at me and LISTEN!
The ex HAD TO BE RIGHT. ALL. THE. TIME. AND I FOUND IT very boring.
-
I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.
You missed my point. It's not that I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I might possibly need to do right in the future. It isn't only MLCers I hear say " I wasn't needed" but since I do hear that from MLCers, it struck me that I'd like to know what the definition is for a man.
And so far I have found it means different things to different people. At this time, I am trying to comprehend how spouse 1 thinking spouse 2 is admirable, respectable, super sexy, and their #1 person makes spouse #2 feel "needed". To me, that is fulfilling spouse #2's needs, not being needed. Are they one and the same for some people?
Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. This has been so eye opening. I truly appreciate the feedback and hope for more.
-
Can I ask the same question to the females on here what actually does a bloke need to do for you to feel needed as I thought I was doing all I could to make her feel needed and it didn't work although I still think from her behaviour one day she will realise I've been the only one who's really been there through everything she's been through when she needed someone.
I don't need to feel needed. I'm ALWAYS needed by someone. I need to feel cherished and heard like my feelings and opinions matter. I need to feel safe, like my H is on my side and has my back. I need to feel like I'm the person he wants to be with, not that bimbo he's staring at over there.
Wanted? Yes. Like he wants to talk to me, wants to be with me, wants my company, wants to tell me about his day and desires. Needed? Not so much.
-
I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me and am now begging to feel more needed than I have in 15 yrs.
Some recognition for all the good I did would have made me feel needed.
My wife actually said at bd I don't need you anymore as I've now got everything I need in life eg job, degree money car basically everything that I had provided.
I agree with FM. We do these things because we love them and not because we get paid for it. We love them with all the nice and less nice things of marriage. With all the perfections and imperfections. It is not a fairytale. It is real live. A little appreciation makes me feel needed. Noticing the things I DO do and not just what I dont do.
To add to this, open communication makes me understand when I do things that are not appreciated. Waiting 10 years in silence and then saying "I don't love you any more" does not make me feel so appreciated.
Am
BBM: So here I am seeing that appreciation for what you do makes you feel needed. Just doing something doesn't make you feel needed; you need to know (get acknowledgement) that what you did was, in fact, valuable.
-
I had to ask mine for help if I wanted it...but to me, that felt like nagging...so I would just do whatever myself...and then he would act all like I didn't need him. I would've appreciated any help, had he offered, but on the other hand, I don't give out stars and lollipops for doing something like the garbage. I did not get that in return for clean undies and socks, nor did I expect it.
It seems to me that a man needs for you to notice their every move or they don't feel needed.
As for what I'd need to feel needed...is for a guy to say why he needs me. Tell me what I do that you love. I don't need a thank you for washing your socks each time I do it, but I would love it if I got a big hug from behind while I am standing there folding them and you to say thanks for always making sure you have clean socks. It's not at all about a thank you for each task...but more of a general thankfulness that you have me around.
-
I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.
You missed my point. It's not that I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I might possibly need to do right in the future. It isn't only MLCers I hear say " I wasn't needed" but since I do hear that from MLCers, it struck me that I'd like to know what the definition is for a man.
And so far I have found it means different things to different people. At this time, I am trying to comprehend how spouse 1 thinking spouse 2 is admirable, respectable, super sexy, and their #1 person makes spouse #2 feel "needed". To me, that is fulfilling spouse #2's needs, not being needed. Are they one and the same for some people?
Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. This has been so eye opening. I truly appreciate the feedback and hope for more.
This is a great thread, and a great question to average people.
A few weeks back, Stayed was talking about a couple who reconciled years ago. She said the husband who left came back and appreciated the wife more, and the wife (the LBS) appreciated him less. That was a good thing.
That's what I'm saying, generally the people on this forum have been abused, betrayed, abandoned, humiliated, and we still reach out, we have so much capacity of forgiveness, the ability to love under the most difficult situations. We couldn't possibly give anymore than we have been giving all along. We didn't need to appreciate them more, we needed to appreciate ourselves more.
After husband left I jumped right into a new relationship. My boyfriend lives with me in my house. He cooks, cleans, takes me out all the time, buys me presents, the yard looks beautiful, he is out there all the time. He buys me flowers every week. I tell him everyday how great everything looks, how I love spending each day with him.
I use to gush over husband for bringing home a paycheck (which I also do but he made more money), I constantly told people how proud I was of husband, I made sure everything was perfect when he walked in the door. Oh wait, not perfect, I forgot to leave the outside light on. Do you realize when he went on and on about this, I actually made it a priority to make sure it was on? Since that day, it always was left on. My boyfriend and I now make the light a joke, uh-oh, you b!tch, you didn't leave the light on.
All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them. What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives. It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change. It was one the first changes I made after he left. I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.
-
Thanks Tm . l see what you mean.
-
All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them. What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives. It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change. It was one the first changes I made after he left. I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.
I completely agree nah :)
This is not any easy thing to do though - I am getting better but it really requires me to be conscious of it. This was something I never learned growing up. I was always being of 'service' - mostly to my parents.
I have a very hard time allowing people to do things for me. I have a very hard time when some shows genuine concern for me - I think it comes down to not caring for myself like I should. Why would someone else care if I don't care :o I don't know how else to describe it.
I need to learn to make myself a priority!
-
All I'm saying is yes, it is very important to let the people you love know that you love and appreciate them. What I'm worried about is the type of people on this forum (me being one of them) needs to appreciate themselves more, needs to make themselves a priority in their lives. It's ok to let someone do something nice for us for a change. It was one the first changes I made after he left. I spent my entire adult life putting everyone else first, now it's time for me.
Nicely said and a very good point. This is likely one of the lessons I need to learn moving forward.