Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: BlueBittz on March 13, 2016, 07:52:54 PM
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It would be so helpful to hear from those who have dealt with having a midlife crisis of their own and help us LBS to have a better understanding of what they went through. Did you really stopped loving your spouse? What went through your mind when you left you family behind? Did you care? Did you acknowledge how your choices was going to impact your family and yourself in the long run? Were your choices more about power struggles?....anything would help really. It would be nice to understand a little more from another point of view.😓😌
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Blue, there have been a few on here. MeNow was one and he was very helpful but he no longer posts on this site.
He has explained a lot of how he felt.
There were a few more but maybe someone else can remember them.
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Thanks....im going to try to search him up in hopes to read his previous posts on here.
Blue, there have been a few on here. MeNow was one and he was very helpful but he no longer posts on this site.
He has explained a lot of how he felt.
There were a few more but maybe someone else can remember them.
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Sewing22 is a more recent person with her own MLC insights. I think Willitgetbetter is also one. (someone correct me if I am wrong)
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Thank you so much!! Offroad
Sewing22 is a more recent person with her own MLC insights. I think Willitgetbetter is also one. (someone correct me if I am wrong)
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There is a thread in the resources section, I believe. I think it is called Stories from the Fog. Shantillylace wrote a great deal about her feelings.
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One of the very best accounts I've ever read was on a thread written by someone called 'Moment'. She wasn't the mlc-er, but she knew one and posted his story, in two parts. If you search for Moment, you should find it, and if not, a moderator can help, I'm sure.
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Here's another piece that I found which gives some insight into the mlc-er viewpoint. Not sure where it came from, but from THS certainly.
I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of OM before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile, though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 (SP: 3 years....) I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN.
I had all my family in support of my efforts.
Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.
He stood for over 2 years, though.
Alone.
Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.
You might think that's a shame.
But the rest of my story is still being written.
I don't know why I wrote all that.
There are some new people here I guess.
Trying to determine if there's hope.
Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.
To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.
This isn't just her journey.
You're also here for a reason. _____________________________________________________________________________
As for me being in MLC was sort of like marbles rolling around in my head and maybe even my heart. It was a dull pain, I cried a lot so I justfied my behavior by being mean and using other people's niceness to me as their weakness and took advantage. I often thought that running away was the answer. If only I could get away from all of these nagging people who had made my life so miserable all of this time. CRAZY.
It did not feel "Bag Ladyish" to me but felt heavy. That is the only way to describe it. HEAVY. You are not in your right mind at all and you feel justified. I know one thing for sure. She will have to come to you when she feels that it is safe to do so. Not to give false hope but if she is looking that bad/lost ... she needs a friend. Maybe you could just reach out as a friend. Nothing heavy, just a touching base sort
of thing so that she can see that she can feel safe when she is ready. Just my thoughts, wish you well.
Oh, before I forget... Not uncommon for friends and family to sort of pull back from the MLCer. I recently spoke with MIL and SIL both of whom state that H is in a place where no one can go and that he will have to find his way out. When this all started to go down his older brother went to see H everyday. His sister called often and sent emails frequently, came in at least twice from Florida. His best friend called often. No one comes near it now.
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l don't really think mine was an actual mlc and this is one reason l'm never all that sure if here even are mlc's. Bc the way l felt and was going , was almost the same as what a lot of people here describe .
Is it an mlc , or were there just things we didn't know about. l've seen a lot of blind people in marriages you know , not even seeming aware of how it all is , they are , what's been let go so much over the years and how it's become , in women and men and l tell ya , l wouldn't stay married to a lot of them and in most ways ,l couldn't really blame my w for leaving in our last few yrs but l also do ,bc she did when l'd turned and she was 1/2 to blame anyway .
Mine was one of those to me and that's what set me off. We'd also had the perfect storm with years of stress , money stuff but that was finally paying off, housing , same but her health too .
But in herself her face was either buried in the iphone , or talking on it, or the tv blaring so loud you had to mute it if you wanted to say something, during an ad , she was always busy 1/2 of it just bs , never made time for us and she'd let herself go and was dressing really bad too .
Basically , l'd tried in every way l could think of to tell her and warn her of how it was all effecting me and for 3-4yrs before and l often tried to set up some us time , get us back into that .
l was just sick of it and started partying and drinking and enjoying myself on my time, not wanting to be around her. l got impatient and brash , l just couldn't be bothered with this her and l'd lost all interest bc it just got worse and worse . lt was like the male is suppose to be the unaware one but l tell you what from what l see around and from my own , l much more aware of it all than she was.
lt was like she expected the marriage to live of it's past type thing and she could just do and be like whatever she wanted now and not lift a finger.
So l went into a lot of the stuff people talk about here but to me it wasn't mlc it was just fed up .
Just before she bd'd me though , some things happened and made me wanna give it one last try , maybe recapture the old us , the old caring and great to talk to and sexy and fun her again.
l don't know how it would have gone though even if she didn't bd bc l still see all that mostly in her now as l come and go for d and l often think about it after .
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hawk, that's why I say not every MLCer is an MLCer. Some people just are truly not happy in their marriage and do need to get out of it. Sadly, it does happen.
Then when the LBS gets a bd their shocked into looking at themselves. Some try to change but its too late.
The spouse has given up.
Not many on this site but I would bet there are a few. JMO
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Hi Blue
I collected a huge amount of info on things MLC'ers have said about how they felt looking back and what they said to their spouses after the event and I posted it on here for people to read, but just tried to find it and it appears it has been taken down for some reason, I don't know why.....
If you want me to send it to you just let me know
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1trouble...I think this is from the thread where you posted so much that you had accumulated
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7386.msg481344#msg481344
It starts there and continues for several pages.
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I think the difference between MLC and a simply bad marriage is that before MLC the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the next day they wake up not loving us anymore and can't see any way that we will be together again. Without even trying to fix any problems.
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Here is a link for her thread with several stories of people who have had MLC. The thread has link to other threads and stories. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2600.0
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l know l gave up for a good few yrs but for reason.
But w , she's a real 50/ 50 mix of mlc that's why she's so hard to tell bc a marriage was gone bad too even if temporarily .
She was even early menopausing 2yrs before bd and l know, no wonder she'd changed so much. People right through my threads have said she's still depressed too.
So to this day l really just still can't tell which one it really is for her where as for me it was pretty clear , to me anyway.
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I wonder....after reading numerous MLC behaviors..i think i am the one who is going through that. I think i have pushed my husband and daughter away, without realizing it. I have had all the " syptoms" except i was never unfaithful to my husband. I am currently in deep depression, feel lost, not motivated at the moment, but now that i am forced to look back, trying to find answers of why all this happened....i remember being so fisty, angry, bored of my job and home life, wanted to disappear....i cut all communication with family (who are difficult to deal with anyway) and never stopped to think about how my behavior was affecting everyone...i just wanted to disappear (36 years old when it started). After quitting my job, i was not able to get back on my feet for about a year. Was lost in a mist (still am)....and here i am pointing fingers at my husband!!!.....i feel more lost now...did i provoke the failure of marriage? Now i feel more like sh*t for not seeing things clearly when i had the chance to...was too busy lamenting on how terrible my life was. Or did he project all this on me??....i am so confused right now....i think that standing and waiting for him will only hurt my self esteem even more. He said he gave up, that he tried (never sat down to discuss what was bothering him). Im taking it a day at a time, but feel that learning how to let go is also allowing me to stop loving him also...it still hurts to think that he stopped loving me and actually went ahead and dated someone else, but i am feeling physically sick due to all this stress and think it would be better off moving on and leaving him behind like he did with me.😰😭😢😓😓
Here's another piece that I found which gives some insight into the mlc-er viewpoint. Not sure where it came from, but from THS certainly.
I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of OM before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile, though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 (SP: 3 years....) I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN.
I had all my family in support of my efforts.
Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.
He stood for over 2 years, though.
Alone.
Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.
You might think that's a shame.
But the rest of my story is still being written.
I don't know why I wrote all that.
There are some new people here I guess.
Trying to determine if there's hope.
Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.
To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.
This isn't just her journey.
You're also here for a reason.
_____________________________________________________________________________
As for me being in MLC was sort of like marbles rolling around in my head and maybe even my heart. It was a dull pain, I cried a lot so I justfied my behavior by being mean and using other people's niceness to me as their weakness and took advantage. I often thought that running away was the answer. If only I could get away from all of these nagging people who had made my life so miserable all of this time. CRAZY.
It did not feel "Bag Ladyish" to me but felt heavy. That is the only way to describe it. HEAVY. You are not in your right mind at all and you feel justified. I know one thing for sure. She will have to come to you when she feels that it is safe to do so. Not to give false hope but if she is looking that bad/lost ... she needs a friend. Maybe you could just reach out as a friend. Nothing heavy, just a touching base sort
of thing so that she can see that she can feel safe when she is ready. Just my thoughts, wish you well.
Oh, before I forget... Not uncommon for friends and family to sort of pull back from the MLCer. I recently spoke with MIL and SIL both of whom state that H is in a place where no one can go and that he will have to find his way out. When this all started to go down his older brother went to see H everyday. His sister called often and sent emails frequently, came in at least twice from Florida. His best friend called often. No one comes near it now.
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Thanks....going through it right now!😓😓😓😓
Here is a link for her thread with several stories of people who have had MLC. The thread has link to other threads and stories. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2600.0
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BlueBittz,
I have just read your first thread about what happened in your marriage. It is quite normal for us to blame ourselves and yes, we do play a part BUT, if there were problems in the relationship, why did our spouses run away instead of attempting to look at what the problems were, get some help, talk to us about their unhappiness? Instead, they leave and do only what they want without any regard for us.
This is from your first post:
He had completely blocked me emotionally since bomb drop day. He treated me as if i was a roommate...never stopped assuming his responsibilities with bills, etc....but i became another peace of furniture. He came and went whenever he wanted and god forbid if i asked him anything about his whereabouts. I tried letting him be and we barely spoke about anything besides what he wanted for dinner. I tried i really did to, but he pushed me away...never let me in.
I was willing to fix this, but he said it was to late to try...that it was over..that no longer loved me the same. When i asked him what went wrong he said ... " it was a combination of things" but was never able to pin point them. He then started to criticized how i dressed, walked ( said that my walk is slow), my cooking, said i was a terrible house wife (that i was messy). Said i was lazy and so much more which i prefer to forget...to painful. He said he does not desire me as a woman :( . I felt so ugly and disgusted for so long and still do. Now coming back to todays date...divorce will be finalized in april of 2016... He does not want to talk about anything that has to do with our broken relationship...he become extremely angry...says to me that i have to stop living in the past and live my life, to move on...that i bother him..that im needy and pathetic.
I feel as if i was thrown into a pitch black pit of hell, blinded and bruised beyond repair and spit on from above by him, while he succeeds in his career, along with a successful lover beside him. I have to depend on him economically for everything after i was fired back in december due to the depression after finding out about affair. I feel powerless, humiliated and misunderstood. What happened to my caring and loving husband. A person who i trusted and loved. We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union. We were one. I feel so lost.
As you continue to read and learn about MLC, you will be able to see that this doesn't make any sense. You stated We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union.
Do you think this would have been the case if you were the one who was the reason for him leaving? Many of us had good marriages, marriages that others looked at as an example of how married life should be....we were not the only ones who saw it, others did too and then WHAM.....we are left asking so many questions and they will not even attempt to help us to understand why?
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Yes....i am soooo confused...im trying to find reason why this happened...it feels surreal. To make matters worse, i am stranded at home, in bed (going on to 3 months), because i cant function. This has destroyed me beyond measure. I try so hard to snap out of it and try to view this in a positive way, but the anger, the betrayal and the confussion has left me mentally and emotionally handicap. I see everyone going about their lives so normal, without a care in the world...time passes by so slowly but at the same time so fast leaving me feeling stuck and left behind.
My daughter left to live with my mother (D16), because she said she did not want to deal with me (all i ask her is to cooperate with home chores and not miss school). Damn if i do damn if i dont....i feel like im expected to move on, stay silent, dont complain or share my fustration (even if i try to have a normal conversation about whats going on). It seems as if its better of starting a new life elsewhere, new family, new friends...where no one knows me...feel wanted and loved and at least aknowleged and respected.
The worst feeling a woman can feels is havibg to deal with the regection of a partner she loves and a child she loves...having to accept that one no longer has a family...that it was all a lie. That all the sacrifice and effort put in to hold things together was in vain....realizing that as a wife and mother one CANT fall apart at any given time because you will be replaced or dismissed as useless. At least thats how i intrepret all this.....how else should i see it?..
I was not even worth a chance to discuss things....i was not given an opportunity to be heard or understood...i was forced to face a reality that i feel was not even necesary...a reality that i see has not affected anyone but me.😭😢
BlueBittz,
I have just read your first thread about what happened in your marriage. It is quite normal for us to blame ourselves and yes, we do play a part BUT, if there were problems in the relationship, why did our spouses run away instead of attempting to look at what the problems were, get some help, talk to us about their unhappiness? Instead, they leave and do only what they want without any regard for us.
This is from your first post:
He had completely blocked me emotionally since bomb drop day. He treated me as if i was a roommate...never stopped assuming his responsibilities with bills, etc....but i became another peace of furniture. He came and went whenever he wanted and god forbid if i asked him anything about his whereabouts. I tried letting him be and we barely spoke about anything besides what he wanted for dinner. I tried i really did to, but he pushed me away...never let me in.
I was willing to fix this, but he said it was to late to try...that it was over..that no longer loved me the same. When i asked him what went wrong he said ... " it was a combination of things" but was never able to pin point them. He then started to criticized how i dressed, walked ( said that my walk is slow), my cooking, said i was a terrible house wife (that i was messy). Said i was lazy and so much more which i prefer to forget...to painful. He said he does not desire me as a woman :( . I felt so ugly and disgusted for so long and still do. Now coming back to todays date...divorce will be finalized in april of 2016... He does not want to talk about anything that has to do with our broken relationship...he become extremely angry...says to me that i have to stop living in the past and live my life, to move on...that i bother him..that im needy and pathetic.
I feel as if i was thrown into a pitch black pit of hell, blinded and bruised beyond repair and spit on from above by him, while he succeeds in his career, along with a successful lover beside him. I have to depend on him economically for everything after i was fired back in december due to the depression after finding out about affair. I feel powerless, humiliated and misunderstood. What happened to my caring and loving husband. A person who i trusted and loved. We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union. We were one. I feel so lost.
As you continue to read and learn about MLC, you will be able to see that this doesn't make any sense. You stated We were so close and everyone who met us used to bless our union.
Do you think this would have been the case if you were the one who was the reason for him leaving? Many of us had good marriages, marriages that others looked at as an example of how married life should be....we were not the only ones who saw it, others did too and then WHAM.....we are left asking so many questions and they will not even attempt to help us to understand why?
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lt's probably just too hard on your d to deal with Blue, she's only 16 , her dads took off , she couldn't cope with all that and your stuff alone too plus her own life . Give her time ,don't give up on her . l don't think she had a choice.
As for h , well just touching on it for now. But l was of the rails for about 2yrs but there was somuch going on in our life too , it was about the worst time to cave in and let w thinkk l just didn't want the marriage anymore , yet she was going thtough all this very very heavy stuff that she;d hid from me on top of it , perfect storm.
l can see why she fave up at the time but l just can't see why she never actually talked to me and complained for 12mths first , before giving up. And then around bd , when everything came out from both of us , why she didn't stay to try and give it time , we would have been fine in time now that we both knew what was going on.
So , similar to your h , just gave up and walked. l get what happened with us over about 3 yrs but so what , marriages go through rough times , so does life, but that part l don't get at all.
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Hi BB,
Yes, I have gone through a MLC and live to tell about it. Please ask me any questions you like.
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Hi Sewing
first question can you remember that much about it, we are told a lot of it goes from recollection?
Can you remember how you came out of it, gradually and then wham mind of thing.
Sorry you are going though it again on the other side, no matter what you did yourself I dont wish this on you and of course it appears the mlcer has not very much control and a sense of reverse reality.
Hugs x
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lol kind of thing not mind, typo.
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Hi Hauk, yes...he just gave up...i actually met up with him yesturday and during our very brief conversation he told me that he felt he was dieing and getting sick during his time with us. You can just imagine the pain that caused me. And slso stated how much his new girlfriend understands him. In other words, living with us was hell and basically i never understood him. He ask me to not feel bad.
He also still talks about death often. He tells me he feels like he has to hurry up with whatever plans he has because he has little time....this is driving me insane. I begged for him to tell me if he discovered an illness of any sort...if he was diagnosed with something...and he tells me he does not want to go to see a doctor but that he knows his body and knows he is dieing.....as you can imagine...he is telling me all this, plus how he was not happy with us, plus how slow i am in terms of progressing in life, plus how he states that where we live is aweful. Its likes everything he sees in us is not good enough for him. Insult on insult....and he calmly states...."oh, i know its not your fault or D fault, but god does things for the better". Is this crazy or am i going crazy????????.
lt's probably just too hard on your d to deal with Blue, she's only 16 , her dads took off , she couldn't cope with all that and your stuff alone too plus her own life . Give her time ,don't give up on her . l don't think she had a choice.
As for h , well just touching on it for now. But l was of the rails for about 2yrs but there was somuch going on in our life too , it was about the worst time to cave in and let w thinkk l just didn't want the marriage anymore , yet she was going thtough all this very very heavy stuff that she;d hid from me on top of it , perfect storm.
l can see why she fave up at the time but l just can't see why she never actually talked to me and complained for 12mths first , before giving up. And then around bd , when everything came out from both of us , why she didn't stay to try and give it time , we would have been fine in time now that we both knew what was going on.
So , similar to your h , just gave up and walked. l get what happened with us over about 3 yrs but so what , marriages go through rough times , so does life, but that part l don't get at all.
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BB
Hi
From what I have picked up over the years mlc is actually a spiritual death, so yes that is what your h feels but he isnt actually dieing in the physical sense.
Mine told his mam in the early days when she was asking him questions as to why he left, like he had felt like it was like a slow death!!! I mean who would say something like that about their marriage.
Its totally script they all say similar bs.
hugs x
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Hi Sewing
first question can you remember that much about it, we are told a lot of it goes from recollection?
Can you remember how you came out of it, gradually and then wham mind of thing.
Sorry you are going though it again on the other side, no matter what you did yourself I dont wish this on you and of course it appears the mlcer has not very much control and a sense of reverse reality.
Hugs x
Crazyjourney,
This site is helping me to remember things that I went through, so yes, so much of it is hidden in the subconscious.
I came out of it only when I attended to thing(s) that made me feel broken. For me that meant gaining my independence and claiming my self-esteem, which before my MLC I now know had been low, but I hid my feelings of shame and low self-esteem through EGO and defenses. In other words, before my MLC, I had no idea who I really was and only after my MLC did I start to live in my true essence. Before MLC, I felt like I was going through the motions, not really connected to anything, only I never knew it. I thought I was normal and that I enjoyed life. If you had asked me pre-MLC is I was truly a happy and fulfilled person I would have most certainly told you, YES. But I believe I never knew any better. I now know that I was covertly depressed for years, hiding behind defenses such as BEING A KNOW IT ALL, being extremely competent in whatever I did, being judgmental of others, hiding behind knowledge in place of exposing my true vulnerability, and last but not least, using grandiosity as a way of feeling in control.
These were all of my pre-MLC behaviors. And then I got knocked down. The worse thing that could ever happen to me, happened. I lost my first child during my first marriage at 8 months pregnant to stillbirth. And it knocked me down. For so long I had held ugly truths away from my life. I had everything in control, all the time (or so I thought). For the first time, I had no control over my sadness, my emotions, my life and my image. And I became depressed.
I lost all feeling for my then h, almost overnight--this is what depression does to a person. The chemical imbalance in your brain lowers your serotonin levels to where you lose feelings. I was numb. And I knew I was in trouble.
Our feelings are our truth, so if I no longer had feelings for my h, then I must not love him any longer, right? Only, it was the depression, the chemical imbalance that was telling me this. Which is why I believe that we really do need to get actively more aggressive as a community in speaking out about covert depression and its wicked affects, so that people know that depression takes on many forms, not just the typical overtly depressed symptoms that are most commonly associated with it. And we need to get clear on what depression looks like particularly in men so that health professionals can more readily identify it.
I was in so much pain (numb) that I could no longer deal with feeling the pressures of giving to my h emotionally. I could not be a wife because as a wife I was expected to give and I just didn't have a thing left. Looking at my h every day was a constant reminder of how much I didn't have, how incompetent I was, basically, it was a constant reminder of the unhappiness I felt. I never believed it was him who was at fault, I just had no idea what the hell was going on, but I knew that I had fallen out of love with him and needed to break from the pressure to perform. And the guilt I felt for not being able to deliver as his w was overwhelming and I believed that by leaving I was not only doing myself a favor, I was doing him a favor as well. he needed a better w than me.
I gradually began to come out of it by living on my own. After dating for about a year and a half, I realized that none of that was working for me, so I spent a lot of time on my own. Going to work, studying buddist principles, learning to meditate, spending time with friends and healing myself through self care. I don't believe I had ever done that before.
Only after learning how to give myself the gift of self care-- being good to myself through eating right, sleeping right, buying my own home and licking my wounds, so to speak did I begin to come out of it. But the OW/OM thing is only a filler. Its a distraction from facing your wounds that got you here in the first place.
I am a believer that the MLCer--depressed person much first learn how to care for themselves in a real, authentic way before they can snap out of it. This is what is meant by coming out of the tunnel. This is why the MLC can't attend to any one else's needs, because they need to figure out how to attend to their own needs, first. I don't believe that people who already know how to take care of their own needs ever even find themselves in MLC.
But the end result was claiming my true happiness. I now know that I had no idea who I was before my MLC. Now live in the moment and enjoy life in a real way.
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Thank you Sewing22 for explaining so well what you went thru. Really adds insight for me about my h.
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From what I have picked up over the years mlc is actually a spiritual death, so yes that is what your h feels but he isnt actually dieing in the physical sense.
This is a good way to describe it. I remember feeling that I couldn't be the person I had been any longer because that person no longer existed.
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Great post sewing and thank you for sharing.
And the guilt I felt for not being able to deliver as his w was overwhelming and I believed that by leaving I was not only doing myself a favor, I was doing him a favor as well. he needed a better w than me.
I heard this line so many times prior to my W leaving. She would always talk about how much of a monster she is, how I deserve better then her, how bad of a person she is.
It's just horrible for me to think that she thinks of herself like that but that is the depths of the depression and I agree that covert depression needs more attention in the community.
I think these stories from those who have been through MLC are very enlightening and really help out us LBSr's. So again thank you!!!!
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Beacon,
Its because the MLCer feels like crap. You feel confused and so unsure of just about every thing and you have no idea why you can't feel any more. You don't believe you are depressed because every thing you know about depression is not exactly what you are going through--like you can still get up out of bed, you can still go to work, you can still have an occasional laugh. Although some things will be obvious to others, like I didn't cook or clean for two whole years (it wasn't until recently when my mother told me that she knew something was off because I never went into the kitchen and I stopped picking up around the house--my h at the time knew it also and did EVERYTHING around the house). But honestly I thought I was still acting normal, even though I knew I didn't feel normal. I felt nothing. So you don't get help because you can function, and that't not what you know about depression. So you wait and wait for yourself to get back to normal. Only, it never comes.
And when you've waited long enough and can't wait any longer because you are in so much pain and the people you used to love and call family haven't been able to help you, you subconsciously begin to search for something that will make you feel. ENTER THE OW/OM. They are so far removed from your trauma, they are separate and apart from your history and you can start over with them. You can be new and lighthearted, and you can suddenly FEEL again. So what could be wrong with something that saves you life!!!???
For a time, the OW/OM feel like they have saved the MLCer's life by helping them to FEEL again!!! So can you understand how powerful that is??? Its like you have just found the medication that will help you out of your depression!! POWERFUL STUFF.
Only, sadly, its only temporary. My numbness was lifted, but the same ol' cloud still hovered over me, while the sun shown just steps away from my shadow. I still wasn't happy because things were all wrong. I had developed an affair while I was married, I had left my h (who loved me dearly), I had taken our D (we had a child after the stillbirth of our first child that sent me into depression) who was 2 years old at the time and put her into a broken family dynamic. The list was looooooong.
True happiness isn't born out of painful chaos, no matter what the MLCer tells you about his new life or what it looks like. Its only temporary because God, the earth the universe is GOING to make you face yourself.
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Sewing-
I am in tears with your words. The clarity you bring is amazing! Also, it really helps to understand where the MLCer is coming from and how their brain is or isn't working. Let me ask you this though. My h is still very much interested in me sexually-I don't feel that there is much of a connection there but I feel that he uses it to help him hold on to "us". Is that a possibility with his thought process? There is an OW and supposedly on a PA. I am about 8 months post BD and about 3 yrs in.
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supposedly an EA but come on now! :o
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whatthe,
it means that your h is still attracted to you. It means that he is just as confused as any one else in depression and having sex with you is still a way for him to FEEL.
I completely stopped having sex with my h once I started my EA, that did lead to a PA at some point (but the physical part with OM was very infrequent because he was married himself and also going through a MLC, I can see that now, OM was also out of my h's league in every way--my h (now exh) is a great guy!).
Its probably soothing to your h to still have sex with you. It could temporarily relive him of his pain. Ya know?
Men use sex as a way to attach themselves. So at the very least, he's still trying to stay attached to you on some level.
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Sewing,
Thank you again for sharing your story. I have copied and saved your post so I can read it when in need. I now feel like I have a better idea about what's going on inside my W's head. Everything you described it her. She has even shared with me some of her thoughts and feeling at the beginning of her crisis which I know may not be common because most don't know what is going on but I think she has her moments of clarity. I knew it started when she told me one day crying "I have no idea what i'm doing honey, ive gone bat sh!te crazy". That is when I knew there was problem and it just went downhill from there.
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Thank you that was a very heart felt post.
I hope you didnt get traumatised going back to it, its a very sad thing isnt it, I hope more research is gone into and some day it can be out in the open and understood and of course helped.
I wonder do you have any idea how you think it happened to you in the first place, do you look back and think you missed parts of important development in your earlier years for some reason or other.
Thank you again.
x
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5388.0
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crazyjourney,
I believe that the parts of myself that made me feel broken, combined with the depression (chemical imbalance) that I went through (making it a midlife crisis) lead me down that path.
I don't think I had ever learned how to combine responsibility with passion. This means that once I got married, I very much felt like I was going through the motions the whole time, like I wasn't a W, but playing the role of one. All of this was unbeknownst to me, however. I hadn't figured out how to engage in true intimacy and that is what I had to face. If you can't engage in true intimacy by way of real vulnerability, you create all sorts of ways around that. I explained all of my pre-MLC behaviors in one of the other post above. I replaced true vulnerability and intimacy with those behaviors. But once I became covertly depressed, I couldn't hide from myself any longer. I didn't know who the hell I was because I had been living so unauthentically for so long by replacing true vulnerability and intimacy with my pre-MLC behaviors that I hadn't developed into a secure adult, but a replica of one!!!
The façade came down once I had lost my baby and became depressed--I no longer had the energy to act out the pre-MLC behaviors, and these were the things that kept me covertly depressed for years (although I never knew it, hence the "covert depression"). These were the tools I used all of my life to cope, to keep running from the shame I felt for not feeling good enough. They weren't working anymore.
This is what a MLC is. It really is an awaking, an acceptance and a transition (if you're strong enough to go through it without getting stuck) into feeling the pain about yourself that you have been keeping at bay by any means necessary, walking through that pain and coming out on the other side of it.
Does this make any sense?
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This situation is by all means the worst experience ive had to dealt with...its unbelievable the sh** one has to endure. I sometimes feel so angry to have HAVE to understand that all this is a normal transition for some....but lord help us all...this is all craziness.
BB
Hi
From what I have picked up over the years mlc is actually a spiritual death, so yes that is what your h feels but he isnt actually dieing in the physical sense.
Mine told his mam in the early days when she was asking him questions as to why he left, like he had felt like it was like a slow death!!! I mean who would say something like that about their marriage.
Its totally script they all say similar bs.
hugs x
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Thank you sooooo much sewing for sharing your experience with us. Everything you have said does help tremendously. Having a MLC point of view helps with all these torturous questions running through ones mind nonstop...🌸🌸
Beacon,
Its because the MLCer feels like crap. You feel confused and so unsure of just about every thing and you have no idea why you can't feel any more. You don't believe you are depressed because every thing you know about depression is not exactly what you are going through--like you can still get up out of bed, you can still go to work, you can still have an occasional laugh. Although some things will be obvious to others, like I didn't cook or clean for two whole years (it wasn't until recently when my mother told me that she knew something was off because I never went into the kitchen and I stopped picking up around the house--my h at the time knew it also and did EVERYTHING around the house). But honestly I thought I was still acting normal, even though I knew I didn't feel normal. I felt nothing. So you don't get help because you can function, and that't not what you know about depression. So you wait and wait for yourself to get back to normal. Only, it never comes.
And when you've waited long enough and can't wait any longer because you are in so much pain and the people you used to love and call family haven't been able to help you, you subconsciously begin to search for something that will make you feel. ENTER THE OW/OM. They are so far removed from your trauma, they are separate and apart from your history and you can start over with them. You can be new and lighthearted, and you can suddenly FEEL again. So what could be wrong with something that saves you life!!!???
For a time, the OW/OM feel like they have saved the MLCer's life by helping them to FEEL again!!! So can you understand how powerful that is??? Its like you have just found the medication that will help you out of your depression!! POWERFUL STUFF.
Only, sadly, its only temporary. My numbness was lifted, but the same ol' cloud still hovered over me, while the sun shown just steps away from my shadow. I still wasn't happy because things were all wrong. I had developed an affair while I was married, I had left my h (who loved me dearly), I had taken our D (we had a child after the stillbirth of our first child that sent me into depression) who was 2 years old at the time and put her into a broken family dynamic. The list was looooooong.
True happiness isn't born out of painful chaos, no matter what the MLCer tells you about his new life or what it looks like. Its only temporary because God, the earth the universe is GOING to make you face yourself.
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Hi Sewing
Yes it makes perfect sense, if I wasnt staring at a mlc with my xh then no it wouldnt but looking back I can see how he was a recipe for this to happen.
I think he has been running to a certain extent all his life, so sad because he is such a good and nice person at his core.
Funny you should mention passion, one of the things he said at BD was that the passion had gone!!! course I was taking it all personally at the time, who wouldnt eh.
Thank you, I think you have added a lot of very important information for us all.
xx
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This may be a dumb question , especially from me as l've now been at it awhile and l went through my own crap too.
But is there a way we can tell yes or no for sure , they are or aren't mlc ?
It was the first thing l suggested to my w , especially as she'd gone into very early menopause to boot. But she said l knew that's the first thing you'd jump to but no , it isn't mlc and she's been a nurse 22yrs so l guess maybe she'd recognize her own mlc, you would think anyway .
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I think one can never look at him/herself in an objective way.
In sewing22's story, I noticed how she mentioned that the post MLC herself was a facade, a made-up one that she had to destroy and get her true personality. That's how she sees it now. I think that her previous persona was just as true THEN as the one is now. The previous one didn't fit her life anymore and had to be destroyed and a new one had to be built.
So I think people in MLC can't tell that they are in MLC at the replay phase. They see their choices as valid choices that they made because that was the right choice. As they progress, they will see that it wasn't, causing guilt, etc.
A few years ago we talked about affairs with my wife. We were 100% sure that if anything remotely similar comes up, we won't be like those cheating bastards, we will try to fix the problems. We are not like those people, we are honest and we respect each other. Yes, we were like that, she was like that. She couldn't imagine to be a person she is now.
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But is there a way we can tell yes or no for sure , they are or aren't mlc ?
It was the first thing l suggested to my w , especially as she'd gone into very early menopause to boot. But she said l knew that's the first thing you'd jump to but no , it isn't mlc and she's been a nurse 22yrs so l guess maybe she'd recognize her own mlc, you would think anyway .
I will only say DENIAL.
Why do you think she would admit that their is something wrong with herself?
Do you admit that their is something wrong with yourself?
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This is just an awesome post! Thanks so much for sharing everyone! I'm reading right along. This topic continues to fascinate me because honestly, I never knew much about it before and I'm learning so much!
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Hmm , good point op.
Yep l don't think they do come to think of it ether Samurai . The other day she told me to just chill out which coming form her was a bloody joke as even D reckons she's wound up like a spring 90% of the time but , she doesn't seem to even know it.
Sadly , we use to talk like that too and l even use to make jokes from a line in this song, " if you leave me can l come too "
One day she made a joke, ok , l'm leaving , l said ok lets pack , who's car we takin ;D
Maybe l jinxed us .
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I don't know if this is an appropriate place for this link but I found it to be very helpful and still reread it when in doubt. It is mostly for LBS but I think it could easily go both ways.
http://ecmaterials.s3.amazonaws.com/HusbandWarned-WifeMidlifeCrisis.pdf (http://ecmaterials.s3.amazonaws.com/HusbandWarned-WifeMidlifeCrisis.pdf)
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Beacon, WOW! that is one great article! I think that should be in another place as well, but I am not sure where. Reading that made things so simplistic and straightforward. Thanks for posting this and I hope it helps other husbands going through this MLC process.
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Larry Bilotta certainly has some good insights on the topic. I'm glad it was helpful, it certainly explains a lot and gives some straight forward advice.
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Larry Bilotta certainly has some good insights on the topic...
Do you know if the MLC product he is selling is any good?
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I personally have not bought them as I have found a lot of the material such as what I posted online. I suppose the individual counseling calls may be productive however I am not sure if it's worth the money or if going to your own IC is a better option.
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ls he a doctor or something ? Anyway , only made it part through bc really isn't that all exactly what we've been getting told right through anyway.
Ps , my w doesn't fit any of the early child hood stuff but their actions going into mlc was pretty well her to a T.
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Ps , my w doesn't fit any of the early child hood stuff ...
Mine had all of those. :/
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Great link. Thanks, Beacon. It was a reminder to me to keep the new life - the GALing - going strong.
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My h fits the bill on chaos kid for sure.
There was an interesting comment about not using their name. Any ideas anyone on that?
Sd
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Superdog,
I am not sure about that either. I don't know what he means by not using their name and I can't even begin to speculate on why that might be.
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Thanks for posting the link to the article. I've been at this for nearly 2 years and I think that's probably the most helpful thing I've read. And re-read.
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Wonderful post by Ukstander. An insight from inside the "tunnel".
Maybe I haven't read all the following posts, but everybody talk so much how much they have changed while in the tunnel. I would like to know if this female MLCer has changed so much after that and what has she changed, . It is interesting that some bits and pieces of the marriage, she wouldn't recollect. Do they go through mind lapses? do they have gaps in their memory? this is so scary...... ???
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Sewing22 thanks for sharing your story with us, my question is in knowing all of this what is the best thing as a LBS to do for their MLCer? Is it just standing and not giving up on them? Paving the way? What do you think your H could have done to help you, maybe insist on going to a doctor about the depression?
When this first started I had my H convinced to look into testosterone therapy and we actually went but it was so stupid expensive he was like no way, seriously we couldn't afford it. So we didn't do anything and I regret that. I have always felt like it was something hormonal, also I was going through menopause myself and I think we went through it together but he has some serious health issues that I think really depressed him like a death sentence even though he has gotten treatment and doing better health wise....except for his brain... :o
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I think one can never look at him/herself in an objective way.
In sewing22's story, I noticed how she mentioned that the post MLC herself was a facade, a made-up one that she had to destroy and get her true personality. That's how she sees it now. I think that her previous persona was just as true THEN as the one is now. The previous one didn't fit her life anymore and had to be destroyed and a new one had to be built.
So I think people in MLC can't tell that they are in MLC at the replay phase. They see their choices as valid choices that they made because that was the right choice. As they progress, they will see that it wasn't, causing
Spot on Samurai.
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Sewing22 thanks for sharing your story with us, my question is in knowing all of this what is the best thing as a LBS to do for their MLCer? Is it just standing and not giving up on them? Paving the way? What do you think your H could have done to help you, maybe insist on going to a doctor about the depression?
Scooter, back then I saw a therapist for a whole year. Looking back I know I should have been put on antidepressants, but I wasn't. Also, the therapist who treated me did not counsel me on helping me with my marriage, but steered me in the direction. Of saving myself. This is why I'm convinced that the wrong kind of therapy can do way more harm than good, and that marriage counselling, even when treating one half of a couple should be about preserving the family, all things being equal of course.
I know standing is a very personal choice and is in itself it's own journey, but I will always say that after I came out of my fog (no other word could describe this better, by the way), I could have gone back to my marriage, but my ex-h at that point had become so bitter that it wasn't an option. Uhh, I guess he never was a member of this site!!!
We don't know if everyone whose h/w leaves is in MLC, but out of the ones who truly are, I can tell you with certainty, if they can make it out of that tunnel alive, there is a chance they will want to come back if their life with the LBS was a good one. I know I could have tried again just by wanting to get back everything I had lost. It would have been like coming home from the 100 Year's war, opening the front door, putting down my worn and tattered bags and asking, what's for dinner?
I was pissed off at how I lost my family and my life.
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I was pissed off at how I lost my family and my life.
I don't doubt this and I suspect you may have also been a little hurt that your husband didn't look past the surface and try to understand what you were going through.
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Attaching and reading along. X
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I think the difference between MLC and a simply bad marriage is that before MLC the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the next day they wake up not loving us anymore and can't see any way that we will be together again. Without even trying to fix any problems.
Sorry Ive dragged this one up, Ive been having a read through and just found it,
What you say there is is exactly what my X done, went to bed one night with the sweet loving person I shared warm sexy relationship with for 11 years and woke the next morning with someone different, it destroyed part of me I dont think I'll ever get back
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I just found this thread too. Is there any update. It seems it ended in march!
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Wow what a great thread, one of the most useful by far (for a newbie).
I'm realising that in the few days post bomb drop, the way my H acted was real - he was v. v depressed, said he felt numb, no feeling, was craving excitement (messages flirting with OW) and that he couldn't even feel for his family - he felt he was acting. I think it was covert depression suddenly surfacing. But then he left and when he reappeared a week later it was like he had pushed all this down inside him and did the whole 'don't love you' 'I have to go' and ran. He's still running, he's in replay and Sewings descriptions of feelings, covert depression etc is so insightful.
So glad I found this thread!
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Hellllllo!! Is Sewing22 still here??? I was curious if she thought there was much difference in male and female MLCers?