I am so sorry about the loss of your kitty too on top of everything else.  Take good care of yourself and let the good people in your life take care of you too! <3

Such a lot for you to deal with. Post surgery, ileostomy care, diagnosis and a pic line. My husband had a pic line used to draw bloods, administer chemo and deliver total parental nutrition every day for 12 hours. The main thing is the need to make sure the line is kept sterile. Even being a nurse, I was intimidated at first by the care of his pic line, but it became pretty routine overtime.

They sent you home rather quickly. Did they provide any home care nursing services for you? Was anyone else trained to take care of your ileostomy and pic line? Can you request some help?

The chemo might have some side effects although they have great drugs to combat the side effects ...but you still might be tired.

You have support from us but we are not physically there to help.

Sending suggestions just because I feel totally useless to do anything else.  There might be some help available from the Cancer Society.

I love your positive attitude..making your own bed and food and feeling good about that.....each day post op, you should feel better.

Thank you for keeping us imformed. Also saying prayers for you.

I did make it through surgery on Wednesday.  Ileostomy surgery. I was supposed to be in the hospital a minimum of 3 days but the average stay is 7 days.  They kicked me out Friday.  Apparently everything was working correctly and quickly so out I went. lol. It has not been easy.  A lot of pain and then learning to deal with an ileostomy bag. Also at 11pm on Thursday, they decided I needed a pic line in my arm because I’d need to continue IV at home.  So I had to learn how to do my own IV. Crazy.  I think I’ll bill them.  lol!!!
Anyway tomorrow is a check up for the pic line which I called and told them I want it removed.  That thing freaks me out more than the ileostomy.  And then off to the oncologist.  So a busy day tomorrow.  I guess I’ll find out when my chemo port will be installed and when chemo will start.
It’s a lot. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.
On the plus side I felt good enough today to take a long shower put fresh sheets on my bed and make my own food. I still hurt but not quite as bad and movement is good. Hopefully I’ll be feeling much better next week. 

Thank you so much, Reinventing! Realising that this is all kind of textbook is a relief, and less crazy making, though I wish none of us had to experience this. ‘Fake it ‘til you make it’ is my motto at the moment!

Journalling:

This weekend was so much different to last one when I went to candle making and was shaking with grief. What has changed in that time I don’t really know, other than I have been reading so much of this forum and I suppose firming my acceptance that this isn’t my fault - I didn’t break it, I can’t fix it. One thing that resurfaced for me recently was how when my ex first crossed a boundary with me at BD, I remember restating my boundary and the consequences would be that I would not be prepared to continue the relationship if this particular boundary was crossed again, as I had stated it about a year prior (when, in hindsight, the pre-crisis was underway). He told me he was glad I restarted my boundary because he “never thought” I would actually leave him. That seemed profoundly arrogant at the time, and maybe it was, but in hindsight it shows that he also felt that he was somehow stuck with me, and feeling trapped with all the responsibilities of his life. Classic MLC. I can now see how his altered thinking perpetuated the crisis and all that came next.

Anyway, yesterday I worked an art market which I haven’t done for a few months. I have a day job, but I love selling my art too. My ex came to every market with me in the past, he enjoyed helping me (though again, in hindsight, the last couple one we did together he had just wanted to read his newspaper and not really interact with anyone, which as an extrovert was always his favourite thing to do). I was worried I’d struggle to do this one on my own. My mum and her partner took me and my stock, but they then left to spend the day together and came back later to help me take everything home. I had such a fun day, I sold way more than I expected to, and I enjoyed interacting with customers and other sellers. It reminded me that I am so fulfilled by selling my art, way more than by my day job. My ex made some comments in the weeks after BD that suggested it wasn’t a productive thing for me to do, and it did not align with his views of how people should live their lives, so I had been feeling a bit embarrassed about having this dream and enjoying it so much. This is actually rewriting, I see now, as I have boxes of cards from him over the years where he always wrote that pursuing my art inspired him, was something he would never be brave enough to do, and how proud he was of me. But nonetheless things said in MLC are painful, even when we suspect they aren’t true.

I now realise that my passion and sense of purpose are very valid and a huge, important part of feeling fulfilled in myself. I need to consider how I can still do the markets without his help, as most take place away from the town I live in, but I am committed to continuing to do them and I love them! My best friend is going to help me with one in November, even though it means he will be getting up at about 5:00am on a weekend to help me. I’m so lucky.

After the market I updated my diary with some other creative activities I will join in with. I am going to do candle making again, and one of the social groups I joined are going to pay me to run an art workshop for the members, so I’m feeling really good about all these things! I might feel hopeless and miserable a lot of the time, but I just have to turn up to the things I commit to and keep living life, even when it feels impossible.

I have an assessment for free counselling tomorrow and hope that I will be accepted.

I intend to interact more on here with everyone else’s threads now I am able to be outside of my own situation here and there. I remain so grateful to everyone who read and commented so far. The candle I made last weekend is still curing but when I’m able to light it I will be lighting it for me and all LBS on here, and sending you all so much love.