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51
Our Community / J to the B part 3
« Latest by JohnnyBravo on September 20, 2026, 09:13:33 PM »
Just unloading:

I found out last week that a co-worker (I'll call Blondie) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. (I knew she got some bad news a few weeks before that, but not the specific issue.) I think she's in her late 30s or early 40s, and has a six-year-old son. She's pretty private, so I don't know her personal situation beyond that regarding husband/partner/family/etc. We both worked on the same program for a couple of years; I was the "overhaul" lead, and she was the "maintenance" lead. She moved to another department in 2021 or so, and I applied for and took over her old job since the program overhaul was being completed and the new version was going into maintenance status. (That was about a year after my wife left, so I had a lot going on, to say the least.)

We both work with someone I'll call OtherJB (we have the same first name), and OtherJB and I wound up moving to her department. He had a miserable manager and went first, and then recruited me to work on a new program he was leading. Blondie and OtherJB are much closer friends, as they both had the same manager for a while at the old job, and their kids both go to the same school. Blondie has mostly been working remotely but came in to work for a meeting last week; she was going to tell people her diagnosis then, but couldn't bring herself to do it. (I don't know if I could either. I'd probably just quit and go on the big motorcycle ride.) She texted OtherJB after the meeting and gave him permission to let people in our close circle know, which can't be easy for him either. (Our manager is also BFF with Blondie, from working together on another high-stress program. We have a lot of those.)

Blondie is really sharp and has a pretty wicked sense of humor; something in me clicked at the start of this year and I finally decided I was past my divorce, and realized I had a crush on Blondie. Of course, coworker + unknown personal situation = keep it to my dang self. But, it was nice to know I could feel that way about someone again.

I also found out that this was Blondie's dream job; I felt she put too much time into work and too little into life, but if that's what made her tick... She's still consulting on all of her projects, but we're distributing lead responsibilities. I don't know if her chances are greater than zero or how much time she has; we have limited medical expertise in this state, but I have to think she got a second opinion or it's so bad it's plainly obvious. The whole thing makes me think of Warren Zevon's "Keep Me In Your Heart." I'm sure we will, and if the end comes I'm thinking of getting her a plaque at the local museum related to our industry. Maybe someone else will think of it as well, but as our department's ersatz Morale, Welfare, and Recreation officer, I feel like it's up my alley.

I'm not sure if this was inspired by Blondie's situation, but you know how we recommend that standers put their marriage in a box and tuck it away on a shelf for the time being? I took that literally: I made a wood box and put the pair of funky wine glasses we bought as our sort of wedding memento to ourselves in there. This weekend I opened the box and put the wine glasses on the shelf for use. No point in keeping them tucked away any longer. Not sure I have any other use for the box, but I hate throwing useful things away.

To end things on an upbeat note, the YouTube algorithm pointed me to a guy who made the most of the Covid lockdowns. (This is one of the few of his videos that's safe for work...) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vBwRfQbXkg

Enjoy every sandwich,

JB


52
Our Community / WHISKEY ME AWAY
« Latest by Watcher on September 20, 2026, 07:10:31 PM »
Thank you JohnnyBravo, FaithWalker.

She definitely slipped something into my drink during my August visit because I have never behaved this way before and I am madly in love with her.

So we had no plans to meet this past weekend. On Friday night we talked and she was dancing around the issue on whether she needed me. She was finding excuses as to why I was busy. I had marathon training, the drive is 5 hours, I don't want you to have an expense etc.....she worried she wouldn't even be able to see me.

She had an event on Saturday and just needed support so I took it out of her hands and just said I would come support her since I was off from work.

So my initial plan was to drive 5 hours , attend the event and drive back home however I decided to stay a night to give her more time at the event and not have to rush. She was already worrying I was going to hit deer if I drove home late at night.

So we were probably at the event for at least 4 hours. Maybe a little longer. She didn't need me to do anything. I was just there to be present for her. So she mingled around and talked to people.

I got some food, sat at a table and talked to her dad for a bit. The place was packed. Easily 200 people at some point. Maybe more.

She looked radiant in her element as I watched her. She loves to talk and be social and she was all over the place so I didn't always have an eye on her. I love how she interacts with people and I love watching her interact with men. There is something vey sexy I find about it and I find it attractive. Always have and she knows how I feel.

So she was smiling, laughing and having a good time. She would circle back to me at times and just give me a touch with her hand to make sure I was still there for her.

Her son was riding on a horse like Paul Revere telling all his mom is engaged. He is so extremely happy for his mother.

I'm very secure and I love letting her breathe. I usually let her do her thing at these events and she will circle back to me if she needs me. I find plenty to do to entertain myself.

So at some point I saw her facial expression change and it was time for me as her ex husband had arrived at the event. I would say he stayed at least two hours by my estimate.

I have never met him before in 8.5 years. That very first weekend in April 2018 we had a close run in. He was departing the driveway with his son in the car and she and I were returning to her house. That was the closest moment.

So idk if he knows about me and whether his ex wife is dating. He certainly knows now that his ex wife hung out with this guy all night and we didn't leave each others side. He did have a close encounter as he passed us early on as he definitely was curious. He said something to her as he passed and I looked at her like, is that your ex husband. Just an odd comment he made.

Had she been alone there is no doubt her would have engaged her. Later on he did come closer again as he talked in a group setting.

It really dawned on me that I have had it far easier then her. My divorce was final Dec 2020 and I last saw my ex in 2021 and I will absolutely never see her again because she is pure evil.

Meanwhile she has to see or hear from him at times. My first impression was how radiant she looked, how young she looked and how happy she was. He looked dated and aged. Overall he just looked gray. Devoid of color.

I never realized how bad she had it. I have such empathy for her after witnessing that Saturday event. I really feel bad for her and I wish she had the clean break that I had.

We saw each other for breakfast this morning before I left. Yes we are crazy in love. I told her I'm working next weekend and there is no way I'm seeing you lol. Well we do have plans to see each other in 11 days lol.

I have no clue why our dynamic has changed so much. We had some deep conversations in August and I became the leader lol. I think she is happy I took the reigns.
53
Our Community / Heart of a Hero
« Latest by FaithWalker on September 20, 2026, 05:30:18 PM »
I have had such a good week.  Although I was sick last weekend and worked a lot of hours this week, it was still such a great week.  Last weekend was the last weekend I worked the HOA job, so this weekend I had an entire weekend back!  So nice!

Monday, I was still feeling puny so I skipped my ladies group so I'm looking to get back with my peeps this week.  It's been such a great group of gals.  We've bonded over happiness and heartbreak.  We've lost one of our own and we've all had ups and downs.  It's a great mix of ladies, some going through D's, some married, some blended marriages, etc.  I feel that I can be a voice of wisdom based on my journey here.

Tuesday I went with a couple friends and met some of their friends for dinner and Marg's at a Mexican Restaurant.  I stuck with a virgin pina colada that night.  I've been off my program but planning on starting it again soon.  We then went to the movies together and had a great time, even though the movie got out close to my bedtime.

Wednesday I drove 45 minutes and met up with a friend of mine for a Paint and Sip night.  We had hard ciders and a cheese and fruit platter and had a lovely time, even though my Fall painting is pretty elementary!  I still hung it up in the hall upstairs.

Thursday I was going to go play pickleball again with the singles group, but the rain and thunderstorms kept me away, especially with my recent sickness.  Plus I needed to finish a report so I ended up just working from the couch all evening.

Friday was a little bit long at work but then came home and made dinner for Mom and I.

Saturday worked on the house some and then went to a tailgate party for a college football game with the singles group and then went and picked up groceries and came home and put them away and finished laundry.

Today my SIL picked up my M for Church so I had a few hours to myself.  I enjoyed having the house to myself.  Then I went and got a pedicure and upgraded to the 25 minute calf massage, hot stone, wax, all the details.  Very much needed!  Decorated for Fall around the house and it's very cozy.  Cleaned up the patio and started winterizing a little bit.  Tried to get the Broncos game on with no luck, just to hear football in the background and peek in on the score.  So I found a ambient video on youtube of a little coffee shop in the Fall and ambient jazz music.  Making some lasagne and going to have a glass of wine.  Not diet friendly, but have a plan to get back to it.  Celebrating the arrival of Fall today!   ;D
54
Our Community / 10 years coming up
« Latest by FaithWalker on September 20, 2026, 05:18:13 PM »
TMT, I am so sorry!  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I wish nothing but the best for you and I'm glad your family is with you.  Just a reminder to all of us that time is not promised, but I am praying like crazy you get lots more time.  And that you are pain free and can do things with your family and make the most of whatever you have. 

Yes, definitely some transferrable skills, and it really does put life into perspective.  ***Hugs from afar***

FW
55
Our Community / Newbie: the first 3.5 months
« Latest by FaithWalker on September 20, 2026, 05:13:34 PM »
Hello Sunshine and Rain.  I was 37 at the time of Bomb Drop and my H had just turned 40 a few months prior.  I turned 38 the month after our divorce, which was 4 months after BD.  The D was 10 years ago in April if you've not ready my story.

You are in some good company and I'm glad you found your way here!  My kids were 10, 13 and 15 at BD and we had been married for 14 years.  I think if I had not had the kids to keep me connected, I would have done the same as you, either put boundaries in place or moved somewhere else to get away from it all.  For my peace, for my healing.  I don't think you putting boundaries in place and him becoming a "vanisher" really changes the odds either way.  Everyone's story is different and you have removed yourself from the equation, so he may find his way back, he may not.  However, you and he are both irrevocably changed by his shattered trust and if there is a relationship in the future, you will both have changed and grown.

It will be 11 years for me come December that I have been on this journey of healing.  I'm not the same person he left.  I have raised my children, I've pursued hobbies and passions that interested me, I've traveled, I've changed jobs, I have done inward work and I'm in a really good place.  It took me a while to heal, and grief is not linear, so there were times that I rotated through all the emotions and back again.  Sometimes in this upcoming season (the Holidays), I still feel a residual effect, but I've learned that life is still beautiful and I'm still worth any and all trouble I may have been!   ;D

You are newly in, so be soft on yourself.  Take care of yourself.  One day at a time, that's sometimes all that you can do.   One foot in front of the other, two steps forward, one step back.  But you've go this!  You will be okay.
56
Our Community / WHISKEY ME AWAY
« Latest by FaithWalker on September 20, 2026, 04:46:00 PM »
57
Our Community / Heart of a Hero
« Latest by FaithWalker on September 20, 2026, 04:37:01 PM »
LOL  - No, I'm still pretty soft and squishy!  Definitely made progress but have a lot of squishiness and probably will always have some squishiness, even at my most fit, which I definitely am not there yet.  I like food and wine and coffee and London Fogs so they say you can't really out-run a bad diet.  And I don't really run anyway, so...

I will always have ups and downs, because...life!  I can eat really healthy for a season, but then my brain says...live a little!   ;D
58
Our Community / 10 years coming up
« Latest by OffRoad on September 20, 2026, 02:14:24 AM »
Oh, TMT, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think this is where those "transferable skills" come in. One day at a time, one thing at a time.

Sending you positive energy and strength.
59
Our Community / Newbie: the first 3.5 months
« Latest by OffRoad on September 20, 2026, 02:02:52 AM »
I am so sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. Your emotions are still very raw, imo. It was 2 years before I felt truly normal again, but everyone's mileage will vary. I had an 18 month stay at home, which was a massive mistake all on its own, for me anyway.

As you have heard,, take care of you. It's good to see you attempting to get out and about, but be gentle on yourself if things don't go as smoothly as you'd like. You have been betrayed by the person you trusted would not do so. It's a shock to the system, because who does that? Well, people in crisis obviously do. But that doesn't make it easier on you.

Did you "cause" him to be a vanisher? I'm going to be honest, a consequence of your actions may have been his respecting you not wanting to talk to him and needing space, so he stays away. And here's the rub. Sometimes they vanish because they don't want you to see how messed up they are. Or don't want to "hurt" you. Or countless other reasons they use to justify their behavior.  Even if your behavior "caused" him to vanish, and I'm not saying it did, that isn't a bad thing. Respecting yourself and having boundaries is how you heal yourself. You teach people how to treat you.

I always say, keep moving forward. If he heals himself and catches up to you, you can figure out if it can work then. If he doesn't,  then you are still moving forward and working to be in a good place. That is always a win for you.

I don't know where you live, but I joined meetups. Coloring. Knitting/crocheting. Off road driving, the latter of which saved my sanity. For a day or a weekend, I drove with a group of people where no one was left behind, no matter what. Restored my faith in people in general. Maybe you can find a thing you like to do. Volunteer somewhere, perhaps. But don't be upset if it takes a while to get to feeling normalish.

It's not likely to be linear (wasn't for me), but you will get to a place that feels calm and right. Remember that when your mind is racing at 2 am and you have work the next day.  😉  it sometimes helps get you through.

Big hugs. I can't say I wanted this journey, but I came out better for it. I hope you can, too.
60
Our Community / Newbie: the first 3.5 months
« Latest by xyzcf on September 19, 2026, 12:51:36 PM »
Sunshineandrain...I wrote earlier "allow yourself some grace"...I think we all did what you are doing, searching for some "hope"...indeed I did not think I would ever be ok if he did not return...but I was.

The triggers you experience are also very familiar to me. His place, where you have so many memories is a huge trigger. Give yourself some grace.

I never tried EMDR although others here have.

I want to share this polyvagal chart with you. It really helped me to figure out how my physiology was responding...but it was introduced to me several years after BD by the amazing therapist that I have. Still, printing it out might help you to find what allows you to return to the green area.

https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

There is a lot on the internet as well that explains this theory.

Quote
I already sense friends and family being perplexed that I am not over this already, so I can quite imagine how confused the people in your life must be but I am so glad they support your stand!

They can't get it...I think because it has never happened to them. Before BD, I always thought that divorce was something that both people agreed to, that their marriages had not been good for a long time...oh boy, was I ever wrong!

When I was looking after my husband in his cancer journey, a good friend said to me "xyzcf, why are you doing this? He can afford to hire people to take care of him"....no amount of money would have "bought" him the continuity of care that I was able to provide...not only am I a nurse...but I loved this man, he is family and our daughter was relieved that he was here with me. I don't regret his coming home and indeed I feel looking after him was a "gift".

But, each of us are allowed to decide what we wish to do regarding contact, standing, finding another love...no one has the right to tell us what is right for us.

You will be given many different views, both from family and friends as well as on HS. Take what fits for you and leave the rest behind.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights? You were in a common law relationship for 10 years and as hard as it might be to think about this, you might be entitled to some financial compensation. I absolutely did not want to do anything as I thought he would always be fair with me..he was not...it might be worth having a consult...I also didn't want to push him further a way but nothing we say or do will make any difference anyway.

Keep writing here, asking questions. Have you a friend who understands what you are going through? I needed to talk and talk and talk to my best friends just to help calm me down.

Take care

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