[Hopeful5]

This whole process of detachment, mourning the loss of my W (as I knew her), and dealing with the mindfu$# of the blame, gaslighting and abusive behavior is the most hellish experience I could have ever imagined.

One moment I think Im able to see things clearly, and the next moment I still feel like I'm to blame for this whole situation, and that I've failed to fix my marriage.

What are some of the ways you've all found to cope and heal?  I'm asking especially for those that choose to stand (stay married) to the MLC'er.

[Ichoosefaith]

As much as you have probably done wrong in your marriage ( we all have and none of us were perfect ). You have to understand THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. No matter how much she blames you or makes it personal or points out any of your flaws or shortcomings or insecurities. That is her way of projecting. Half of what she says she doesn’t mean or truly believe it is honestly just to hurt you.

Her poor coping skills have caused her to  blame you for ALL her own demons. And no matter what you do right now you cannot get through to her.

Some day long down the road years even, she will come out and realize that. Or she won’t 🤷‍♂️. But you have no control over that.

You have to decide how you want to live your life and start piecing it back together even in her absence.
You have to do the work on yourself so when the dog starts lifting you are the best man you can be. Not for her but for you. She may NEVER come back so start living life and moving toward making a life for yourself that is good for you regardless if she does or not.

[Hopeful5]

As much as you have probably done wrong in your marriage ( we all have and none of us were perfect ). You have to understand THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. No matter how much she blames you or makes it personal or points out any of your flaws or shortcomings or insecurities. That is her way of projecting. Half of what she says she doesn’t mean or truly believe it is honestly just to hurt you.

Her poor coping skills have caused her to  blame you for ALL her own demons. And no matter what you do right now you cannot get through to her.

Some day long down the road years even, she will come out and realize that. Or she won’t 🤷‍♂️. But you have no control over that.

You have to decide how you want to live your life and start piecing it back together even in her absence.
You have to do the work on yourself so when the dog starts lifting you are the best man you can be. Not for her but for you. She may NEVER come back so start living life and moving toward making a life for yourself that is good for you regardless if she does or not.

Thank you... This truly made my day and helped clear the fog of confusion in my own head.  Bless you.

[BurnedBridge]

I am just stepping inside the storm of MLC with my STBXH, and plan to move ahead with my life not stand. I am curious, though, how has life been for you after MLC, or in the middle of it, as you GAL? Whether you are choosing to stand or have moved on, were there any newfound hobbies or passions? For those that are no longer standing, did you go on to find a new love, casually date for fun or just decide you prefer your own company? I'm so curious if you discovered more about yourselves while your spouses are off/were off in the MLC tunnel.

[beyondblessed]

BB, if you search through older threads, you will eventually come across mine.  I am all the way back from the beginning of 2016, and I pretty much decided not to stand, as soon as I found out my xh was cheating.  For me, that was a line that could never be un-crossed.  We went from married almost 17 years to divorced within 6 months of his mental meltdown.  2 weeks after we divorced, he got engaged to the OW, he had been denying the previous 6 months lol. Sounds pretty standard, right?

Anyhoo, I truly didn't want the D, but I knew there was no way I could get past all the BS...the lies, cheating, stealing, and the absolute betrayal  of my trust. Too much damage had been done for me to ever be able to respect him ever again.

I started a new job, cut him and his family completely out of affairs, which for me was necessary because they were sadly a large part of the problem with their need for chaos and drama, and most importantly, I started to rediscover ME again. 

I started going to the gym and making my health and well-being a priority, and the rest of my life flourished.  I did probably start dating too quickly, but I don't really have regrets about that fact because it allowed me the opportunity to learn what it was in a partner that had to be absolute "musts".  The MLC meltdown showed me what I didn't want pretty clearly.

I started diving deep into what attracted me to my xh in the first place, and then steered clear of those types avoidant and emotionally unavailable men....the Peter Pans, as I came to view them.  The ones who live in Neverland and never seem to grow up and mature into actual men, and believe me, I came across my fair share of them, sadly.  And, for the first time in my life, I started to love me and who I was and who I was becoming.

It was about that time, roughly 4 years after BD, that I met my now H.  We married in April of 2022, on a beautiful beach in South Carolina, where he'd been stationed in the Navy.  He has since retired after 20 years in the Navy.  He always says he lives by their code of Honor, Courage and Commitment, and by his actions, I can tell you he absolutely does live by those convictions.  He is a man of his word, a protector and provider and he loves me unconditionally. 

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined my xh doing the things that ultimately lead to our D.  It is truly bewildering in the beginning that someone you loved and trusted with your life could so callously betray you, but given enough time and healing, you begin to see things more clearly...about you and about them. 

And, in case you are wondering what happened to my xh and his "soulmate" OW, they stayed engaged for many years, but never married and it turns out that a relationship built on lies and cheating really isn't the foundation anyone wants to begin with.  It's just sad for us as collateral damage to know all of this from the start and not be able to do anything but stand back and watch the train wreck in slow motion.

[BurnedBridge]

BB, if you search through older threads, you will eventually come across mine.  I am all the way back from the beginning of 2016, and I pretty much decided not to stand, as soon as I found out my xh was cheating.  For me, that was a line that could never be un-crossed.  We went from married almost 17 years to divorced within 6 months of his mental meltdown.  2 weeks after we divorced, he got engaged to the OW, he had been denying the previous 6 months lol. Sounds pretty standard, right?

Anyhoo, I truly didn't want the D, but I knew there was no way I could get past all the BS...the lies, cheating, stealing, and the absolute betrayal  of my trust. Too much damage had been done for me to ever be able to respect him ever again.

I started a new job, cut him and his family completely out of affairs, which for me was necessary because they were sadly a large part of the problem with their need for chaos and drama, and most importantly, I started to rediscover ME again. 

I started going to the gym and making my health and well-being a priority, and the rest of my life flourished.  I did probably start dating too quickly, but I don't really have regrets about that fact because it allowed me the opportunity to learn what it was in a partner that had to be absolute "musts".  The MLC meltdown showed me what I didn't want pretty clearly.

I started diving deep into what attracted me to my xh in the first place, and then steered clear of those types avoidant and emotionally unavailable men....the Peter Pans, as I came to view them.  The ones who live in Neverland and never seem to grow up and mature into actual men, and believe me, I came across my fair share of them, sadly.  And, for the first time in my life, I started to love me and who I was and who I was becoming.

It was about that time, roughly 4 years after BD, that I met my now H.  We married in April of 2022, on a beautiful beach in South Carolina, where he'd been stationed in the Navy.  He has since retired after 20 years in the Navy.  He always says he lives by their code of Honor, Courage and Commitment, and by his actions, I can tell you he absolutely does live by those convictions.  He is a man of his word, a protector and provider and he loves me unconditionally. 

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined my xh doing the things that ultimately lead to our D.  It is truly bewildering in the beginning that someone you loved and trusted with your life could so callously betray you, but given enough time and healing, you begin to see things more clearly...about you and about them. 

And, in case you are wondering what happened to my xh and his "soulmate" OW, they stayed engaged for many years, but never married and it turns out that a relationship built on lies and cheating really isn't the foundation anyone wants to begin with.  It's just sad for us as collateral damage to know all of this from the start and not be able to do anything but stand back and watch the train wreck in slow motion.

Thank you for a backstory on your MLC experience, beyondblessed. That's very similar to my sentiments. I thought I could forgive, the supposed only, emotional affair after the first time I caught it, but then he watched me breaking down and continued it with her as soon as the weekend was over. That, to me, was the nail in the coffin that seeing the pain he put me through was not more important than the momentary ego boost talking to another woman (with her own relationship as well as kids  ) gave him. I get why some stand, I just didn't have any faith that my husband was still that loving, kind, selfless man that I married.

Hopefully cutting out not only him but his family as well did you a world of good that maybe wasn't as obvious as the time. I'm glad to hear you rediscovered you. I'm both excited and scared for that, oddly enough. It's almost like when the MLCers are going through their own manic self-discovery and blowing through life  , a lot of the LBS go through a more sane period of self-discovery from what I've seen.


It sounds like, in spite of all the hardship, you came out the other end in a really wonderful place in life with a loving partner. The self-love part is something I really want to work on, so that I enjoy my own companionship until I feel ready to seek external companionship. 

Thank you for sharing, beyondblessed. You sound like one determined, strong person and seeing how you have done post-BD is super inspiring to me. 

[beyondblessed]

Yes, BB, while xh was destroying his life, I was definitely having a MLT, and undoing all that I'd become by being married to him.  And, yes, separating from all of the crazy from him and his family helped me see just how crazy and dramas filled and dramas driven they all were.  So toxic!!  They grew up in a home that functioned on addiction, infidelity and abuse, but me in my ignorance to all of that wrongly assumed xh was mostly unscathed by that environment, sans being a little immature and selfish, at times.  But, as our marriage, those two characteristics grew and grew, or at least became more obvious to me.

Getting away allowed me to decompress and breathe fresh air again.  Maybe my situation was different, but once my D was done, it was like freedom again to just be me and love the life I was creating.  I'm incredibly happy now.  I'm still pursuing everything I did while GAL and am married to wonderful man, who is rock solid.  MLC destroyed my xh, but I didn't let it destroy my life.

[UrsaMajor]

I can second the "I had my own MLT after Atomic Bomb Drop" story. And it was a doozy.... but I didn't harm myself or anyone else, didn't blow anything up in terms of relationships and rediscovered several things about myself that I had buried for the sake of peaceful co-existence in the house... Like that I enjoy riding motorcycles... like I am connected to my church.... like I can have fun doing things with my kids that do not include plopping them in front of a screen while I go off and do other things....

[FaithWalker]

I am curious, though, how has life been for you after MLC, or in the middle of it, as you GAL

Life has been pretty good.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  I am 8 years 8 months from Bomb Drop.

Whether you are choosing to stand or have moved on, were there any newfound hobbies or passions?

I took up paddle boarding in the Summer of 2016 after Bomb Drop and D.  I also noticed how much nature just really healed me.  Sunsets took my breath away.  Rain and the smell of the dirt and rainbows really reminded me of the cleansing of the rain and the promise of the rainbow.  I also started to travel more, something that my xH always had an excuse for why we couldn't do more of it.

For those that are no longer standing, did you go on to find a new love, casually date for fun or just decide you prefer your own company? I'm so curious if you discovered more about yourselves while your spouses are off/were off in the MLC tunnel.

I went on a few casual dates after xH got remarried and I grieved the end of my stand.  Ironically, the first one was on the year anniversary of my xH's new marriage.  I remember coming away from that one feeling like I had gotten a glimpse into my xH's brain and his justifications for leaving the marriage as this person was speaking about their x.  The next one we did 2 dates and he was an LBSer like me, but there was a 12 year age gap, and he had been an LBSer for 8 years already (ironically where I am now) and I was still earlier on.  He had gotten pretty used to being alone and stated that he was selfish now as he was used to being his own person and doing what he pleased.  I figured that the desire to be with someone specific would have to override that desire to be alone and do what one pleased, and now that I am 8 years on, I can see that it easy to get a little set in your ways and be happy about just being on your own.

Finding joy has been a theme for me throughout my xH's MLC.  I learned early on that the secret to finding joy has nothing to do with your circumstances.  xH was off chasing the external "happy" while I was finding that "joy" is internal and goes much deeper than the "happy" ever could.

The doors for our marriage reconciliation are firmly shut.  There was an invisible rope tying me to him for some years but that has been severed now.  He has tied his soul to someone else now and there has been a new merging of two becoming one. 

The ripping of one becoming two again was extremely painful for me.  But through it I was able to discover a lot about myself and I am at peace with where I am at in life.