So now I have another book.
"Controlling People - How to recognize and deal with people who try to control you"
by Patricia Evans
I just finished reading this book this morning.
It was quite interesting and I will try to put down some notes for myself and others.
Here is a website fro Ms. evans on an overview of the book:
Also there is some more explanation if you click in the upper left hand portion of this page.
http://www.patriciaevans.com/book3.htmlThis is a little story from the book which is somewhat crucial to the crux of the title;(somewhat paraphrased from the text)
"When Jack was three years old his parents, D & J took him to get some winter clothes.
While in the store Jack fell down and injured his knee and began to cry.
His parents said almost simultaneuosly as they pulled him up " You are not hurt. You have nothing to cry about.
You are just trying to get attention." Each of these statements invalidated Jack's pereception and was the
opposite of the truth.
Jacks experience was presented to him
backwards. An inner occurence his experience was defined from outside of himself by his parents.
If this is the way Jack was always treated, How might he have defined himself'"
If we believe that his parents definition is more real than our own we come to know ourselves in a
backwards way. from the outside in, not the inside out."
There is another story which i believe is too long to recant her but the jist of it is that as a child you have a "Teddy Bear", you hug him and hold him,throw him around.
When you grow up Teddy becomes a real person and all is fine with life, until one day, Teddy actually talks back and questions you. You start yelling and screaming at
Teddy becuase he is not acting like the
pretend person that you have come to know and love. This pretend person is the one that is being controlled by the controller.
At the very end of the book she goes into how to break this control. Her theory is that the person needs to confront the controller with the word "WHAT?"
Also by setting clear boundaries.
I was expecting her to say by detachment but that was not used.
She did say that the controller needed connections with the controlled person so I believe that we are on the right trail with detachment, to break the connection that the controller.
Next book on the menu is "Talking to Depression" by Carol J Strauss