[Treasur]

Makes sense to me too.
And you know what? With vanishers, we can choose what we think if we don't know. And pick the 'story' that helps us cope and move forward. Like Schrodinger's Cat.

[nah]

And you know what? With vanishers, we can choose what we think if we don't know. And pick the 'story' that helps us cope and move forward.

I see your point but I always encourage to take it one step further.

So common for us to imagine they are having such a wonderful life.  It's probably what we talk about the most.  I can see why we do this,... everything we ever thought we knew was real was suddenly turned upside down.  For a time, I doubted what I thought I always knew was real, I especially doubted myself.  Plus, it just made sense, why would anybody run away from what we thought was good unless they were going to something better? 

I had to step back and think about not what I thought but what I knew.

I don't know his thoughts, or anybody's for that matter but I KNOW my own.

My memories are real, I know this, I lived them, they are in my heart.  I KNOW I loved him, I KNOW I loved my family, I KNOW I genuinely would have done anything for all of them b/c lets face it, I was put to the test and I did everything in my power to keep us together, yes I failed but I tried.  He did not.  He didn't even try.  He ran and hid.  Again, this I know b/c it was a fact.  I offered for him to just talk to me, on HIS terms.... he refused.  His terms were to do nothing.

Who is the well-adjusted adult?

What else do I know?  I know how I behave when I see a once longterm married man with a young blonde that I knew were having an affair.  I was disgusted.  I didn't know but I assumed that other women my age would behave the same way as me.  I was so taken aback when The Leaver and his girl seemed to be accepted in the crowd of wives that were my age.  Were my instincts off?  Did everything I ever knew was wrong?

No, I was right.  They just seemed to be accepted b/c people smile for pictures they know will be posted.

There was so much drama and turned backs, that after time, The Leaver and the girl couldn't take it anymore. 

Do I know that they still have to deal with this kind of treatment with other people?

No, I don't know.

Somethings we might never know, but a good educated guess is most likely on the money.

[Rising Phoenix]

I have asked to talk aswell nah and for him to see his kids or even just contact them but I don’t even get a refusal. I just get ignored and ow posts some rubbish.
It’s sunny in uk and I wonder on sunny days when we would be doing family stuff what he is thinking or doing. Prob a motorbike ride with ow or just playing his game as he doesn’t like the heat.

It is hard to not think they are having a fabulous life but then ow posts quotes on how to heal a heart from trauma and to not talk about trauma is best so I think that tells me he doesn’t want to talk. Or ow is worried he may.

It is easier to imagine their life is fab without us. I don’t think I will even be getting to mediation as he wants separate rooms and I have said no. I don’t know if that’s he can’t face me or ow again doesn’t want him any where near me.

It amazes me how they can just shut the door on 30 yrs of love and memories for an affair down and certainly is for h!

What I try and focus on is what I have achieved by myself that I never thought I would be doing such as decorating and driving to London.

Tbh as h once said to me I can do what I like when I like. Xx

[Nas]

I do very much appreciate all of the insight you all were kind enough to provide in response to my pity party posting last week.

I did believe in the beginning that he was staying away because he can't face me.  But I don't really think that anymore.  Just for example, he just tweeted two things: 1) a retweet of a contest to win a year's supply of golf balls, and 2) a very excited 'atta boy!" congratulations to some local midwestern sports broadcaster he's never even met (who calls games for a team he doesn't even follow), congratulating him on getting his first ever hole in one. 

Life is going along just dandy for him.  He's spending his days immersed in golf and sports and whatever else he wants and he's having a grand old time.  He's getting away with starting over with a whole new life but not divorcing (and therefore not paying) me and can just pretend I never existed.

Wonder if he'll even feel a twinge of guilt this coming Mother's Day weekend.  He's obsessed with golf and baseball and all the MLB players and the PGA players will be wearing pink for breast cancer awareness.  I have a feeling at this point, it won't make him even bat an eye. 

[nah]

A couple of tweets? That’s your window into all of his thoughts?

What about the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day?

Things are rarely as they seem in MLC-land.

[Milly]

Nas, my H was, not sure he still is, golf and baseball mad. OW went out golfing with him too, spent weekends in beautiful golf resorts with him, and even created a website where my H would teach tourists to golf while on their holidays in Tuscany. Even before BD, my H spent every day playing golf, spending money when he should have been working and earning for his family, then watched baseball on TV during the night because of the time difference. These are all escape and avoid activities.

His 'atta boy' is so immature. Mine says these stupid things, too. He's pretending, Nas. Don't read into it anything but desperation to seem cool, just like a teen who is insecure.

Listen to Nah. And regarding mother's day, he is definitely going to feel guilty. But he won't do anything to make it better for you. That's what most of them are like. Don't have expectations of mother's day, but don't think that yours cares less than any of the others. Yours is just at an earlier phase. We've all gone through your thoughts.

Nas, it's going to be ok. You focus on what you need each day. We all faked it until it worked one day. Keep pushing on.xxx

[Nas]

My vanisher is such a sh*t.  Today is the anniversary of his grandfather's death.  They were extremely close.
Every year, I get the Facebook "on this day" memory of the photos H uploaded the day his grandfather died.  He tagged me in the post where he uploaded several pictures of his grandfather, including one of me, H and his grandfather and grandmother at our wedding reception.

Today I got the "on this day" notification and when I looked, I noticed the picture of me was not there.  So I clicked on the "view edit history" and it looks like although this is a post from May 15, 2014 (so it just popped up today as a memory), H edited this particular post on April 8, deleting the picture that I'm included in.  All the other pictures are still there.  The coward really wants to erase me.
But for some reason, he left me tagged on the post. 

[Schratz66]

I am so sorry Nas that is a really $h!tety thing to do. At least he could have then untagged you as well. Such cowards.

[Rising Phoenix]

A coward nas. I don’t know how they sleep at night.

I signed his divorce today. I did one last fight for my marriage on Saturday and emailed him saying I didn’t want to sign it but if he was 100% confident in his decision then he would have no problem in telling me to sign it.
I said that he will miss the things only a family can do and miss family b days, xmas, prom, weddings and grandchildren in the future. I said I am a strong woman and he missed it and that I do not fear the future but prefer him in it and I am strong enough to ask these questions. I said what I have achieved by myself and the things he used to do with my safety always in his mind like grab my hand to cross the road and text me to be careful driving if the roads were bad.
I said someone showed me a pic of him at xmas and he had a shirt on that I bought. Funnily enough ow removed or made private all pics of them.

When I email ow quotes come thick and fast.  I’m sure she has nothing better to do with her time. I said is your life everything you hoped and dreamed it would be and within minutes she posted about how to deal with toxic family members and life is amazing when you don’t surround yourself with people that are pieces of s**t.

I told about daughter self harm up her leg but I had no reply to any of it.

I don’t know if he is 100% confident in his decision or just doesn’t give a s**t to even reply, not even about d13!

So today I signed and sent an email with pics of the kids and said we say our goodbyes to you. Goodbye to a father and husband we no longer have. We will always miss you in some way but we will be ok.

Ow seems to have gone quiet.

[Nas]

I'm so sorry, RP.  Your H sounds like he's a real mess and his OW is as crazy as they come.  They're acting like very sick people and it's very, very sad. 

The fact that he doesn't care about his daughter self-harming is exactly why MLC sucks so bad.  How a man can be so self-absorbed that they don't care about anyone or anything else is so hard to come to terms with.