[Anjae]

Beacon, I think you can pick up on your old thread and post what you've posted here. A mod can change the icon for light purple. Like Treasur said, it is important for people to know that there are reconnections going on.

[Not Applicable]

Anjae has a point. A light purple thread would get a lot of eyes on it I am sure.

[Songanddance]

Beacon - contact OP or RCR and ask if you can go light purple.

Reconnection is very tough - I've been in it for 18 months+ now and am wondering if it is really worth the effort because H has still made no commitment to the marriage but wants to get on well with me.


If you go onto your profile and click on my posts you should be able to find your old thread or ask OP if you can start a new one and he will merge the old with the new.

[Treasur]

Beacon, also don,t think you have to do the colour change if you think it might make you feel under pressure or that it is too early 
As those who know say, reconnecting is hard and takes time and still has an uncertain outcome as song says. And I guess you don't need to feel more pressure 

[Anjae]

Six months of reconnection used to be the rule to change a thread icon to light purple.

It brings no pressure. It can be changed back to white. RCR always said that if HS and pink icons existed hers would keep changing, light purple. white, light purple, and so on, because her husband come and went.

When I was a tech mode I changed many icons to light purple, a couple from light purple back to white, and some from light purple to dark purple. Dark purple can be changed  back to light purple or even to white.

[Milly]

Beacon, I would love to follow your reconnecting thread. I have no experience in reconnection, but from what I've read, I would say be patient. Let her do the advancing. Remember the scared squirrel image. I'm sure it's very hard as you're dying to feel her fully yours again, but she's probably terrified of destroying you again.
Best of luck.

[Beacon]

I would like to post about my reconnecting because I do think its important even though its frustrating. I think others could benefit from the topic.

Sometimes after spending time with her I get mixed emotions about if it's worth it or not. I do love her very much and I know that she loves me but I just get a wave of feelings. I guess it boils down to trusting her and I'm not sure im there yet. She told me she is done with AP and her actions often depict that she is but sometimes I dont trust it.

[Slow Fade]

Beacon it just takes time. I still can be triggered very easily as can my S15. And all of this started over 6 years ago, BD being April of 2012. We've been back together since 2014, but even after 4 years its still hard. One day at a time.

Wow, I can't believe we've been reconciling for 4 years. Feels like yesterday......

[osb]

It's been months, but suddenly HS popped into my mind and I wanted to catch up, so I dug up this thread. Lovely to revisit the stories of folks of my vintage and beyond!

If I were still writing in my thread, it would be dark purple now I think. There's a certainty in my mind that didn't used to be there (and thus perhaps, my months away from the forum). H has mostly gotten his head back together. Though he has kept an old article on mid-life crisis he clipped some years ago; I found it when tidying his heap of papers on the coffee table, smiled and let it be.

We had a reasonably good Christmas, despite some family drama. H's very difficult parents are getting older, sicker, and hence more difficult and ornery (and just as bigoted as ever ). Other day H's mom phoned; I picked up and said hello, she asked for H, I said 'I'll get him; Merry Christmas to you', she said 'ask him to call me' and hung up click. I was laughing because there's no other way to react; even H just looked sheepish. I have learned to stay the hell away from them, and my H has learned to not be led by the nose every time they yank his chain; but he's still being a good and compassionate son, and I applaud that. H is getting older, a bit paunchy (which he is sooo self-conscious of ) and not the lean mean mountain-climbing-machine of his MLC days; but aging is natural and healthy, and we still go rock climbing together looking like the gentle old coots we are. My sister has even started smiling at my H again, we had a couple of genuine family gatherings and they chatted casually like she hasn't actually hated his guts for the past six years... I guess eventually everyone has to lay down arms and just learn to live with each other again.

Even the things that used to trigger me are not so visceral; I may wake early and lie in bed dreading nameless thoughts, but then I quiet my mind and go back to sleep. By morning, everything seems bearable again. I don't think it's unnecessary mental drama, trauma healing evidently takes time even when the wounds no longer show on the outside.

There was some discussion on this thread some time back about the relative depth of various crises, and the recurrent question of "how bad we've had it". I've been on the fence about this; I know my H's MLC could have been much worse for me, but when I was living through it I couldn't imagine how. Only once the fallout was contained, did I get perspective. There's an old country saying that "the arrow that came for your head left with your hat". Do you feel unlucky to have been shot at, or lucky to only lose your hat?

You are all so precious, my virtual friends. Wishing wonderful things for the new year.

[Acorn]

Thank you for visiting and sharing your update, osb.  I certainly don’t belong to the ‘oldies’ club but I visit the thread to learn. 

It’s good to read that life does settle and there is healing to be had. 
I need to revisit your thread since I cannot recall when your H’s MLC drama started.  You mentioned 6 years while talking about your sister’s reception of your H.  Does the number reflect the length of time from BD or whatever that indicated that his sane mind went AWOL? 

If I were still writing in my thread, it would be dark purple now I think. There's a certainty in my mind that didn't used to be there (and thus perhaps, my months away from the forum). H has mostly gotten his head back together.

I see 2 components here.  Dark purple state of your mind and your H’s healing.  So obvious. 
It’s not beyond my silliness to give much heavier percentage to MLCer’s healing to indicate the health of M.  You woke me up, osb.