[xyzcf]

Thanks osb for the update! So often people moan that there are very few reconciliations and I have often pointed out that those who are reconnecting are not usually spending their time on HS.

It is very encouraging to hear good news of marriages restored!

[Anjae]

Hi osb.

Nice to read you and thank you for the update.

Well, those of us whose MLCer is still in crisis for nearly or over a decade look at shorter crisis as easier and milder. Same for those of us with MLCers who are constantly in a rage.

I would prefer no arrow and to keep my hat.

However, now, this whole MLC is just something I know existed and changed my life forever. I don't feel it. One of my sister's gave mum Mr J's dad latest book for Christmas. Mum likes Mr J's dad books. It didn't bother me at all. It was like Mr J's dad is merely a sentence, not something I feel.

I love reconciliations stories, but wonder why do we want to have a marriage with these people. They were vile, horrible, abusive for years on end. It was MLC, but it does not change what they were and did.

it is quite confusing to me, why we, myself included, thing these people are worthy. Or thought.

[Mitzpah]

osb,

I am overjoyed with your news!

I love your sensible, down to earth, sensitive writing! Like Xyzcf, I love it when old/long timers post their stories of reconciliation.

Your IL's are quite a package Love it that your sister is coming to terms with his changes.

xxx

[Milly]

osb, thank you so much for coming back to update us. I'm very happy for you!

[osb]

I would prefer no arrow and to keep my hat.

Of course!   That would be the ideal; but i have no time machine. I am stuck hatless, and happy I have my head.

You mentioned 6 years while talking about your sister’s reception of your H.  Does the number reflect the length of time from BD or whatever that indicated that his sane mind went AWOL? 

Coming up to 7 years since BD, preceded by a few years of inexplicable anger. Think he went off the deep end a decade ago. Returned half-baked in 2014, and we've been in the "light purple" phase since 2016. I think. All this only apparent to me in the rear view mirror, so my sense of timing may be off.

I love reconciliations stories, but wonder why do we want to have a marriage with these people. They were vile, horrible, abusive for years on end. It was MLC, but it does not change what they were and did. it is quite confusing to me, why we, myself included, thing these people are worthy. Or thought.

True. Undoubtedly true.
If you are asking me, do I need my H back? I would answer no, I'm as happy alone. If you're asking why do I think he's worthy of reconciliation, I'd say we have a detente...  Reconciliation doesn't erase the past, which was indeed horrible (though briefer than many others' stories). But this man as he is right now, is he worthy of me? Perhaps. Am I worthy of him? Also perhaps. I don't know how to answer that question. Did I settle for something / someone lesser than? Examining my own motivations as best as I can, I don't think I settled. Certainly to walk away would have been easier for me (like Aesop's fox who walked away from the grapes he couldn't reach, deciding they must be sour). I still challenge my H daily, to prove to me that he hasn't settled - that he has actively chosen this life, with me in it. For the longest time he was more diffident than me, like so many post-MLC men who don't know whether they want to be loved or left alone. Now sometimes I'm more diffident than him. But it is an active choice made every day. I can't promise you it will be my choice tomorrow. But for now, the man H is right now worth my making an effort to set aside memories of pain. That's as honest as I can be, and still as confused.

[Anjae]

Thank you for your reply, osb.

I was asking why a reconciliation is worthy. I know you don't need him. We all get to a point when we no longer need the MLCer.

I don't see reconciliation as settling. I know MLCers get back to normal. I did, my cousin did, real life MLCers who are out of crisis did. My counsin and I didn't broke a marriage or had an alienator. That is something none of us have to live with.

My cousin's crisis was different than mine. I don't think anyone noticed mine, since it come with BD. What I see as my crisis and its behaviours, everyone else saw as a consequence of what had happened.

I understand why my cousin and his wife reconcilled. His crisis was an obvious depression and the damages he caused were very limited and mostly to himself - like trying to kill himself because of wrong medication.

A person like Mr J? That is another matter. I have no idea how out of crisis Mr J is going to be. But he will remain the man who did all he has done. And all he has done is problematic, wrong and against my values. Not that I am thinking about reconciliation. Even if I wanted it, it would be impossible since he remains in MLC land.

In latter years Mr J hasn't done any horrible thing. In fact, it has been more than 4 years since he done anything really awful. But he also hasn't changed nor done a thing to try to make amends. Amends to not equal reconnection or reconciliation to me.

It could be said things improved because there hasn't been any new nasty, aside from a bit of monster on one e-mail and on one phone call. Very mild by his standards. Strange, how he does not seem to move on his crisis. Or better, I think he moves. A strange moving that is slow and looks identical, but it isn't exactly identical.

Despite his calming down = years without atrocious things, current Mr J is still not worthy. Or interesting. Or someone I would like to spend time with. Still clubbing, still djing. Still not sleeping. Still having his left eye almost closed.

He tried a little to come close, by e-mail and used the exchange things excuse to try to see me. No luck, I told him he is not safe and his moods swing too much. And I did saw him briefly yearly this year on a social setting by chance. I said I, he gave a step back, totally scared, and said nothing. I went back to my friends and keep talking with them. When he left he put his hand on my left shoulder and said "so goodnight".

Did I felt anything? No. He was just someone I knew I knew, but that was all. He didn't raise any interest in me. Very strange, if you ask me. I used to really love him and to find him very attractive. Well, the MLC does not look attractive in any way.

How does one goes from someone being the love of our life to being someone we are indifferent to even when we see them in the flesh? I don't know. 

[xyzcf]

How does one goes from someone being the love of our life to being someone we are indifferent to even when we see them in the flesh? I don't know.

I do not feel this way. When I see him, which is rarely, when we are together, even now, even after he divorced me....I still feel a great deal of love for him.

In a therapy session recently, my therapist noticed that there were 2 times in the hour when my face showed joy...both had to do with something he had done recently.

I have not erased any of the magic of those 35 years and I continue to see him as being "infected" by something that he had no control over..his continuing connection to me shows me that somewhere inside of him, he still has some pretty intense feelings for me.

[Anjae]

We're all different. I remember when we seated side by side in the court waiting room, October 2014, it felt quiet and homely. We didn't exchange a word. Mr J took out a book and start reading, I did the same.

But I felt nothing when I arrived. I didn't even recognised him. Can't say I felt much that day. And what I felt was short lived. As soon as Mr J opened his mouse to address the judge the homely feeling was gone. His arrogant, disdaining tone of voice was not the person I knew. Minutes before, when our lawyers returned, the four of us made small talk. His voice was normal. All of a sudden, it changed.

Like when I say him in January, he seemed scared of me. No idea why. It kind of his above my pay grade and I don't have much, if any, interest in figure out why he is scared of him. I am not the one who cheated, was physically and financially abusive, etc.

I have neither joy or sadness when it comes to something Mr J may do - I am talking about non nasty things. Just indifference.

Hardly remember the magic of the 20 years we spend together. It was too long ago. I have no idea if Mr J has pretty intense feelings for me inside him. I don't have them for him. Can't say I still see/feel Mr J is "infected" with something. He just seems to have remained in that life. After all, it pays well, allows for a fancy flat in the capital, he inherit family money, etc. The only reason I can see for him to change his lifestyle is becoming bored with it. Or a very serious health issue.

Regardless of what we feel, or don't feel, for the MLCer, why do you find this horrible people worthy? There is no denying they are horrible while in MLC and that they do horrendous things. Why do we give them a pass and would like a marriage (those of us who still would) with these people? Certainly there are far better people out there for those who want a new partner and those who do not why not remain alone?

For me the other things is that Mr J was 36 when he left. I was 37. I am now 50. He is stuck in a 36. A childish 36. He never had to deal with hardships in his life and I had to deal with even more because of the consequences of his crisis. We have very different life experiences. His tastes also no longer really match mine.

An old friend - who was with me when I saw Mr J in January - says people often think they no longer have anything in common, but they do. We both like music. But now different types. Art, but, again, now, totally different genres. I am not into trends and being a hipster, Mr J is. His life experience of comfort and getting away with murder is the opposite of mine.

I find him very boring and very uninteresting. Even his real self is now boring to me.

What would Mr J add to my life? Money aside, nothing that I can think of. He can give me the money, no need of him coming along with it.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I know that my words are not of little value since I am no longer standing. Been involved in another relationship for starting our fifth year. We just go married a couple of months ago and everything is fine. Our kids get along well and we are planning a family trip to New York this summer.

I think that my stand ended because of the divorce. She asked for it, she tried to state I was abusive and not involved in our children's lives. Once I began to see her as my opponent who was trying to hurt me through lies, I lost all feelings for her.

Since the divorce, I made all my payments to her on time. Never missed one payment. Any thing she needed, I complied promptly. I grieved the loss of my marriage and went through denial, anger, and finally acceptance. Then there were just some things that pushed me over the edge. While I was struggling with finances and paying my oldest daughters tuition, I find that she takes two trips to Vietnam and United Kingdom to be with her OM. While my youngest was visiting, I found out she told my youngest that the only reason why she didn't move to UK to be with OM was because I didn't want my youngest and I forced her to take my youngest to live with her. Finally, I found out that she and OM were seeing each other while we were married. Ugh!

I don't have the feelings that I used to have and with no trust, there is no relationship. However, I am very happy when I hear about reconciliations and I support those that still stand for their marriages.

Just my feelings and I have nothing but the utmost respect for the men and women that are on this site.


((((Hugs))))

Ready

[Anjae]

It is quite interesting how pretty much all male LBS pay alimony and child support to their MLC, but male MLCers often don't pay a cent to their LBS and children. Even if they are court ordered to do so. And several are divorced without a financial settlement.

Money and assets wise female MLCers have it better than many female LBS. It is always the wronged part that sucks out the non-wronged part. Go figure.

Trust is an issue, of course. Even if I know that once out of crisis Mr J will be trustworthy again.

The nasty lies and their legal crazyness aimed at us are a bit too much.

It is often said it is not personal. But I only see the LBS being dragged to court. OK, it could be someone else they were married to. Or not. The someone else may had divorce the MLCer pronto.

Truly love reconnection and reconciliations stories. MLC is not easy and reconnecting and reconciling are even harder than deal with Replay. One more thing that puts me off.

To be fair, I am interested in a new relationship. But it has to be a good, smooth one. No more problems. No more complications.