[Ausgatorgirl]

Sorry, just got sent an application to divorce in ‘joint’ mode. I’m in Australia. I have gone back to my lawyers and said ‘no, his divorce he can file solo’. Did I do the right thing? Australia. No children under 18 and financial split done.

Any advice? I don’t want to make it easy on him, not stalling,just principles.

[And breathe]

Hi Aust

Your decision..no right or wrong.. I too am in Australia... H took copy of marriage cert few weeks back to "move on with things"

He has mentioned D a few times but seems like he is going ahead...I have always told him that it is his Divorce and whilst I have no choice he can file solely (also told him to put adultery as reason) , as you know he does not need to put a reason but I needed to put across to him that his actions have led to his decision to D (whether that ever resonates with him who knows)

xx

[Ausgatorgirl]

Thanks AB. We have NC so I don’t care what he puts. I guess it will be done and dusted by Christmas. Thanks.

[nah]

I have called The Leaver a vanisher since the beginning. 

However, if I listed the contact I had with him, especially the first year, he would not seem like a vanisher to most people on here.  For me, I wanted contact every day... he ignored messages, "Forgot" to go to scheduled meetings (including a divorce hearing) or just canceled meeting outright.  I think he would have been a true vanisher if the courts didn't force him to show up.  Things like my FIL's funeral, he had no choice.  Oh he tried to ignore me, "didn't see me"  ,... same at my nephew's funeral, "didn't see me".  "E" thought I might be exaggerating about The Leaver until he saw how I was treated at my nephew's funeral.  No, I wasn't making it up, the interaction was weird.  After the divorce was done, contact is about 2-3 times a year, usually b/c of finances. 

I have many stories b/c it's been over five years so I just keep repeating the same stories... 

Question for anyone with vanisher after divorce final plus 18 month. Does anything change - do they ‘want’ to touch base etc. Anyone got any idea what could be expected? Otherwise I guess I may never see him again after 34 years of (wonderful?) marriage?

No expectations, just after other experiences?? I’ve GAL, just discussing.

Not everyone agrees with this advise, so take it or throw it out.  I have zero intentions of ever reconciling with The Leaver, I'm remarried to someone else and very happy with my life now.  I do however, still reach out (rarely but I do), to my ex.  Hey, we were "happily" married for over twenty-five years, we have two adult kids, many mutual friends and family, just b/c he went bonkers, doesn't mean I have to change who I am.

So, the first Christmas after he left, AND we were in the trenches of divorce, I sent him a photo album of his life.  I was in a few pictures, since I was most of his life BUT mostly were of him, and many of him and the kids.  He didn't respond after receiving it (I could tell by the delivery tracker), until I messaged him and then I got a "yes"... minutes later, "Thank you"... He was mad.

Too bad, I have no regrets sending it.  I wouldn't be surprised if he still looks at it today.

Fast forward years later...

I sent another Christmas gift, a box of keepsakes, including something his grandmother made.  He sent a nice note, "Thank you that was very thoughtful of you...etc"

We had a touch and go year three... too long to talk about here.

I often send him nice messages on his birthday and Father's Day.  Sometimes he does the same back for Mother's Day or my birthday, sometimes he doesn't.

For me, it's not a contest about if he sends something back or if my contact makes a difference.  I really no longer care if it makes a difference.  It's about me, and who I am.  I just seems right to me, so I do it.

[Mitzpah]

Thanks AB. We have NC so I don’t care what he puts. I guess it will be done and dusted by Christmas. Thanks.

I quite understand this!

Here in Brazil, it is also no fault  - they just need for each one to go the registrar's office and sign.

As my h. is not really a vanisher, more like an on and offer and avoider, we met there together, but he did the legwork and paid for it. We had no assets to discuss, nor underage children so it was sordidly simple - it is true there is no need to put a reason.

I sometimes think that if the children did not still reside with me, he would really disappear from my life. At the moment I don't see him at all - next Saturday is our middle son's 25th birthday and I shall be hosting a bbq, he has been invited - I have no idea if he will turn up, he didn't say whether he would come or not to the kids.

[Nas]

My vanisher has vanished again after popping back up just to tell me my dog was sick (and then euthanizing the dog a few weeks later without even telling me).  It was the first time I'd heard from him in an entire year.

Last year I got a text from H saying happy birthday from the dog. This year there is no dog to wish me a happy birthday, so of course this year I didn't hear from him - since H can't wish me happy birthday himself or the streets will erupt in fire and brimstone.  (Not to mention he can't text me because he cut off that avenue of communication when he didn't give me his new phone number.)

And it's been 3 weeks since I reached out via Facebook messenger and asked him to send me the dog's collar.  He was completely agreeable and even offered to send me the ashes too if I wanted.  But I haven't received anything and probably won't.  I don't buy that he forgot.  I think when I first contacted him and asked, he went into "please don't be mad at me, mommy" mode, but then as soon as that communication ended the mental gymnastics started and he is still somehow "punishing" me by keeping something he knows I want.

I won't be contacting him again to ask for it.  I won't beg.  Nor will I contact him again because it's clear that he's back to "erasing" me. 

[nah]

Nas, this is totally up to you but I many times sent a follow up “reminder” of unkept promises. Yes, 90% of the time I got an “I forgot” and in the early days a more snarky, “I was busy” but the second “Reminder” almost always got a response.

What do you have to lose?

[Nas]

I thought about it, Nah, but I have this nagging feeling it's a control issue with him.  I used to contact him periodically to ask him to honor the financial agreement (he never did and it pretty much amounted to me "begging" him for something and him having full power and control by not giving it to me) and then when I got cancer, I stopped contacting him for that and so I basically stopped contacting him as I didn't have any other reason to.

He mirrored me by stopping contact. (And then of course infamously getting a new phone number and not even telling me.) I don't think for one second that he forgot that I asked for the collar or forgot that he said he'd send it.  I have this suspicion that since I no longer contact him about the financial stuff, he's holding onto the dog's collar because it will make me have to contact him and ask for something I want that he has. 

I don't want to fall back into that pattern.   I'll make do with my pictures and great memories of the dog.  If someday he finds it i his heart to send me the collar, it will be nice to have it.  But I'm not going to allow it to become another thing that allows H to try cling to control. 

Funny, last week he "liked" a tweet by a pro golfer who wrote "Super proud of my wife" and went on to praise her for her 2 years of sobriety and her new blog where she shares her story to help others.  It ended with the hashtag #proudhusband.

How he doesn't see the irony in that is beyond me.  I'm here fighting tooth and nail against cancer, barely able to function, hardly working, financially drowning, but still fundraising when I can to help raise money for both cancer research and patient programs.  Where's my #proudhusband?  Off living with OW and pretending I don't exist. 

[nah]

Pfft.. who knows what goes on in their stupid heads.

I read very early on that they regress to being teenagers and a lightbulb went off in my head. Hey, I’ve raised several teenagers/children and I know exactly how to communicate with them. I put my theory to the test. I sent a message to The Leaver and gave him 3 choices (sell the house, him move in, me keep it with alimony) hey it always worked with the kids. lol and behold, it worked. He picked one. I did it again, again he picked a choice. I would have my coworkers crowd around,... watch, he’s going to pick a choice. They didn’t believe me.

And he did it, again.

I’m not sure exactly why it worked, maybe they can no longer think for themselves but the “pick 1 of 3” was a big factor of how I got the house.

[Nas]

Mine pretty much vanished in order to avoid the subject of the divorce, but if he did, I might try that "pick 1 of 3" approach.

He's definitely regressed and is defiantly refusing to interact with me.  But then, as you saw with the brief interaction after the dog died, he was agreeable and seemed almost like he wanted to say whatever he needed to say to "please" me: "Yes, I will absolutely send you the collar. I paid extra to get his ashes but you can have them too if you want. Can you tell me how treatment is going?"  Along with adding in a whole lot of completely unnecessary (and fabricated) details/excuses to try to explain away his cruel choice of announcing the dog's death on Facebook before telling me.  Then he disappeared again and we're back to square one.