[nah]

I hear ya, all MLCers are cowards but the vanishers are the biggest cowards of them all.

Mine is similar to yours. Face to face, messages, phone calls, they don’t happen often but when they do, he usually talks a good game. Mine was never violent, never called me nasty names, no major accusations other than making him feel guilty or making everybody hate him 

He just rarely follows through on his promises, we were supposed to have meetings - never happened, he was supposed to help me with the house - didn’t, if he sees me in public, he will do his best to pretend he doesn’t see me.

How did these once strong, caring, powerful men become such wusses? 

[Nas]

How did these once strong, caring, powerful men become such wusses? 

Beats the heck out of me.  It's so baffling.

I feel like the stars are aligning to make H's new life work out, especially in the area of his new career that is going so well.  The way your exH saw his career crash and burn didn't make a difference to his MLC, but I hate to say it, I kind of would like to see something go very wrong for H so that it feels like he's seeing some kind of consequences for his actions.  Right now all signs are telling him he did the right thing because things are working out for him.  I think his "vanishing" is probably due to his feeling guilty that his life is on an upward trajectory while I got cancer and lost everything.  He'd rather not "see" me or think of me and continue on with his life and hope that someday the guilt will just subside. 

[CallingHeart]

Just thought I’d pop on the new thread with a vey important Vanisher update:

//—**** Crickets ****—\\
LOL - I swear that’s how it is with a V

Sorry Nas, unfortunately I’m not surprised to hear your Vanisher crawled back behind the woodwork as it seems he did.  I honestly think yours is running away from facing his D because that would cost him money and he can avoid going there. 

Vanishers really are cowards and wusses...

[Nas]

It's definitely to avoid the cost of a D, even though it wouldn't really cost much.  We have no assets and nothing to divide.  All I'd be getting from him is one retirement fund, which isn't worth all that much anyway.  So it would cost him the filing fees and some court fees and the cost to transfer the fund to my name.  So not all that expensive to end a marriage he has no interest in, and yet he still avoids it.  Goes to show how incredibly cheap he is. 

[nah]

It's definitely to avoid the cost of a D,

Possibly... but your trying to use logic to find a reason.  Rarely is any of this logical.

I still go with the coward/wuss theory.

[Anjae]

I hear ya, all MLCers are cowards but the vanishers are the biggest cowards of them all.

Maybe. But vanishers surely are better than having a über clinger around. Mr J was an ultra clinger when he left and until I come back home, then he was a super clinger for like more 18 months or so, then still remained a bit glued. It was impossible to have peace.

Even his crazy divorce court cases meant he wanted to be attached and fight = drawing my attention. Sadly for him, there was no fight and his court cases were closed. I made him vanish, bu cuttting contact, an I don't regret him. Were it up to him, he would still be cake eating and clinging.

Nas, maybe your husband just forgot. They do tottaly forget things I would try once more. In a week or so.

[Thunder]

I have to say Nas, I kind of agree with Anjae.

If it truly means a lot to you to have your dogs collar, why not remind him that you are looking forward to getting it?  Who cares what he thinks?  It doesn't matter anymore.

He took your beloved dog away from you, the least he can do is give you something to remember him by.

I saved the collars but the tags meant more to me.  I still wear them on a chain around my neck.
The collars I keep with their pictures in a frame.

[Shocked]

Hi all,
Always glad to hang out with my fellow LBS of Vs! I don’t post on my thread because it’s bern so long that I have had anything to tell about my V. We have virtually no contact in two years. With that said to answer Agirl my vote is to leave them alone and live like they are never coming back. They simply aren’t the person we once loved anymore as hard as that is to believe and accept. Sending you a wish a peace and endurance.

[Milly]

Nas, first I'm sorry you are going through such a battle with your cancer right now on top of this MLC crap. I send you lots of strength and hugs to help you push on through your grueling treatment. It's just not fair.

Regarding your doggie's collar. We kept our previous dog's collar and I know how much we want to have something that was on them. I'm with Thunder on this one. If you want the collar, contact your H. It doesn't really matter in the end if he won the control issue this time. Controlling us, and the kids if they have them, is what they do. It's irritating, but totally stupid of them.

I've forgotten, when your H asked how your treatment is going, did you answer him? I know he didn't word in the best way, but I sense he was trying. It's always up to you of course, but if you are standing and your H does try to communicate, even if in a childish way, I would communicate back otherwise he feels judged (and rightly so!), however judgement and guilt makes them withdraw. If he felt comfortable with your answer, he might try it again.

If you want him to stay vanished so you can erase him from your mind, then absolutely don't contact him about anything.

[Trustandlove]

My H isn't a vanisher by the definition RCR gives, although he has certainly become more of one over the past two years.  The kids hear from him once every couple of months, otherwise there is no contact.

I was just going to say that throughout this mess every now and again I would get "nice" texts or something, sometimes he even asked about how certain things were with me (health, relatives, etc.); I would respond thinking he was reaching out, but he always then ran again.

My own take is that he does things like that when he is either feeling guilty about something or thinks he "should", then completely forgets when his own life takes over again.  I got the feeling that he thought he was being polite and "behaving how one should in these situations", but always at more than arm's length - the way you might with a distant cousin or so former university acquaintance. 

He no longer contacts me at all; he now does that to the kids -- random texts every few months, the cynic in me says that he does this so that he can say "well, I tried, but they don't respond", in response to queries about his relationship with them. 

As to asking for something; I agree that if it is important then ask, without any expectations.  I have done so in the past, I've usually got what I've asked for (the request was always very specific, no embellishments or chit-chat), but there have been plenty of times when I've decided that it wasn't worth the contact and just not asked.