[Treasur]

I believe he has no contact with me due to ow and that has an impact on his contact with our kids as I’m in the back ground.
Or his life is so fantastic with his doing different things that he really doesn’t give a sh**te! Xx

No kids here, RP, but exactly the same pattern on his new life...removed everyone pretty much including me. Even his recent wedding photos had not a single friend of his own, bar a couple of family members...all her friends and co-workers. Bit weird and sad at 40 to have no friends of your own and to have erased half of your own life as worthless...but not the case for me, if i had a party now it would be a mix of old and new. And not my problem.

my xh has no choice now because I've shut the door for my safety, but I think their contact style does change as a function of what else is going on in their life or head. My xh went from boomerang to vanisher, then a quick pop-up then back to vanisher, bit more monster on and off as the divorce progressed and now I presume his energy is invested in making his new life/wife worth blowing up his old one for. i suspect he is wearing his big happy mask as a newly-wed h and doing everything he can to forget he ever had a first wife or failed so spectacularly to keep his first set of vows or that he/it will be different now because a) it was all my fault and/or b) ow is his perfect soulmate of destiny so everything will work perfectly now...guess time will tell if he's right!

[Rising Phoenix]

Ow posted last yr in social media that a lot of negative comments and so they will make it work so they can put the middle finger up to everyone! Such a mature pleasant woman don’t you think? 🤮

[Rising Phoenix]

What I find hard is the silence, not even a can I see my kids or hi kids love you and miss you.

I would like an apology or something but I know that’s never going to happen. I suppose as they don’t see what they have done wrong.

You can’t get things moving as they only move along with what they want to move along with. They move on with divorce but not sorting the finances. They buy expensive motorbikes but can’t buy their kids a b day present.

I find a vanisher is so frustrating or is that just me. Xx

[ChrissYAH]

RP, X got a settlement payout of  $270K yet refused to pay for my daughters school fees she was told she's not allowed to go back until at least half the fees were paid yet he's taken his hag and himself overseas where he is atm, I had to scrape the money together along with the help of my brother.

[Rising Phoenix]

It’s unbelievable isn’t it how they can just say yep that’s my old obselite life and family that I don’t need or want anymore so I will just ignore them. Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

Chrissyah, it’s a struggle isn’t it for lbs. the mlcer walk away from responsibility and we then lbs are left struggling to pick up the pieces and keep on top of the responsibilities. I have school uniform to buy, xmas is round the corner, paying all the bills including h car payments as in my dads name.’

I also want to know why the really affair down ow ( I’m really trying not to call her names today as I am better than ow) feel they need to comment on how we raise our kids and how much is paid and when h gets to see his kids which is not at all as interference in her time with h which is 24/7. 
Perhaps that a topic for a different thread.
Xx

[Treasur]

It’s unbelievable isn’t it how they can just say yep that’s my old obselite life and family that I don’t need or want anymore so I will just ignore them. Xx

It is, RP
But - and it's taken me a long time to get this - in some ways it is pretty simple
for vanishers and mostly vanishers, it just means that what they want to feel better is absolutely more important than the impact on anyone else or the practical consequences...pretty black and white really...and they choose not to be exposed to it by removing themselves
It is a very pure sort of 'Me, me, me' really.
It's just difficult for emotionally balanced adults to understand.

i think for those of us with mostly silent/disappearing spouses, our journey is less about the rollercoaster of monster and more about the push to accept that they have chosen to walk away and ignore us/kids/friends/old life when we can't conceive of how or why they would or imagine we could do it.
we get no answers or hints from them so it takes time to make or find our own
it isn't a measure of our worth even if it feels like it but more a measure of what is easier for them and their character
are they happy? well, i guess they must be happy enough if they stay on that path
and eventually, hard stumbling step at a time, we find a way to know in our guts that this says everything about who they are choosing to be and nothing at all about who we were or choose to be next
and when our peace and happy matters infinitely more than what the karma bus brings them perhaps, our own version of 'Me, me' maybe 

[ChrissYAH]

Mind boggling how someone can just throw away their family find some hag and erase the past, is it a choice or is it a brain inbalance??? Ill never know, although I think the loon kinda feels some guilt why else would he keep in touch with my youngest? other than to catch up on gossip and what we're all doing.

[nah]

it isn't a measure of our worth even if it feels like it but more a measure of what is easier for them and their character

This should be on the top of every page of every vanisher thread.

It took me so long to understand exactly what Treasur wrote.

In the early days, I just didn't get it.  On here there were so many clingers, boomerangs, or even wallowers that seemed to at least care enough to hesitate.  Not mine.  Even BD only lasted a minute or two and then he ran.  I went to talk to him that night (he actually didn't even cancel his band the night of BD, that's how much he seemed to not care).  That very night he didn't hesitate, not even a little.

EVERYBODY told me he would show up at my door in RL.  On here?  There was drama, drama, drama of everybody else's MLCer going back and forth.  Why not mine?  Was our marriage that big of a lie? 

But then the old timers with every kind of MLCer says the same thing, "It's not about us or our marriage, it's about them."

It's that simple.  Even the type of MLCer has nothing to do with us. The type of MLCer has nothing to do with our marriage.  My MLCer even admitted and STILL admits that I was a great wife and mother, he never monstered about our past, so what gives?

It's easier for HIM not to look, so he doesn't, plain and simple.  It's not that the clingers love their spouse's more, it's just it's easier for THEM to keep plan B close, that's it.

[Treasur]

this x a million 
i think the reason this thread matters is because it's so easy to feel that we/our m weren't even worth a monster conversation or being a boomerang plan B or a guilty touch and go or a period of doubt.
nothing, or hardly nothing
no love or concern...but also no respect or acknowledgement or signs to read or odd behaviour to watch...just a void that we try to fill in by connecting invisible dots for a while
and that sucks and feels brutally painful and perplexing
we feel like an abandoned dog on the kerb or a small child for a while perhaps
it's a primeval kind of emotional abuse

but the simple truth is that in crisis they just do what feels easier for them
and people are different, crisis or not, so easy looks different too doesn't it?
and it's their life so i guess time will show whether easy=better for them or not

one could just as well make the rational argument that if it is easier for vanishers not to see our pain or the damage, it is because it is hard for them to see it...which means it distresses or bothers them somehow...which means in a weird way it does matter enough that it's easier for them to not do it    weird encouraging thought for the day though fwiw

the one thing that is obvious with a vanisher is that running away is easier for them than dealing with things
and it isn't rational - unless you were the Scariest Spouse In The World - that their fear says anything useful about you at all.

Sort of Weird LBS Logic 101 LOL